(reposted from my old blog, where I used to discuss stories from my life as a porn producer)
Don’t you hate it when people politicize things and make grandiose speeches to get across even the most mundane topics of conversation? So do I. So let’s see if I can avoid that for you. I’ll really, truly make an honest effort and try to cut the crap and be straight forward with you. After all, my constant readers, you’ve stuck with me for so long. You deserve to hear what I have to say without the extra serving of bullshit.
I’m scared. I really, truly am. Terrified. Petrified. All of those things. Why is that? I’ll tell ya:
I’m quitting the adult business.
I’m weary. This has been a tough year. Mostly because I’ve been struggling with some “personal demons” (as Hollywood so artistically puts it) within myself. Perhaps, over time, I’ll reveal more of those details as the others involved in my life grow more comfortable with my apparent need to speak publicly of private matters.
I’ve always questioned the faith my father tried to teach me. There are so many things about Christianity that just make no sense to me. Right here in this blog you’ve seen me ridicule various aspects of it. But, like many of you probably do, I still pray from time to time. It just feels good once in awhile, doesn’t it? Even if you’re not entirely sure anyone’s listening. It’s a psychological thing, ya know?
This past week I finally decided to stop fighting some of the turmoils I’ve had inside. I prayed the following prayer, almost word-for-word:
“God, you know that I have trouble believing the sacrifice was ever truly made. But I want to accept it anyway and hope that you somehow help me reconcile those doubts. I’m inviting you back into my life.”
At that point I turned on K-Love (Christian radio station) in my car. This song was the very first song that played. I am not really sure why I mentioned that part of the story because, to be absolutely honest with you, I’m a bit embarrassed by so many parts of it. I’ve ranted against Christianity for so long now that it feels almost hypocritical to be talking about Donny praying and listening to Christian radio.
Part of the “blame” for me coming to this decision must be layed on the Pastors of XXXChurch.com. In fact, JR flew out from Michigan to spend a day at my house and is currently sleeping in my guest room as I type this (more on that in a future blog entry).
I feel a huge sense of relief and happiness for the first time in a LONG, LONG time. This blog’s not going anywhere. I’ll have to change the title to “Donny’s Ramblings: Diary of a FORMER Pornographer” or something similar, but I’ll still be blogging. And I don’t intend to remove any prior entries, as I think that would take away from my story.
There’s a lot more detail to share with you, but right now I’m dead tired and need to get some sleep. Earlier in this blog entry I mentioned being scared, and I still haven’t told you exactly why. Here it is:
At this point I don’t know where I’m going, what I’m doing, or what the future holds.
That terrifies me.