Donny's Ramblings

I’m Out, But the Blog Abides!

19 Comments

(reposted from my old blog, where I used to discuss stories from my life as a porn producer)

Don’t you hate it when people politicize things and make grandiose speeches to get across even the most mundane topics of conversation? So do I. So let’s see if I can avoid that for you. I’ll really, truly make an honest effort and try to cut the crap and be straight forward with you. After all, my constant readers, you’ve stuck with me for so long. You deserve to hear what I have to say without the extra serving of bullshit.

I’m scared. I really, truly am. Terrified. Petrified. All of those things. Why is that? I’ll tell ya:

I’m quitting the adult business.

I’m weary. This has been a tough year. Mostly because I’ve been struggling with some “personal demons” (as Hollywood so artistically puts it) within myself. Perhaps, over time, I’ll reveal more of those details as the others involved in my life grow more comfortable with my apparent need to speak publicly of private matters.

I’ve always questioned the faith my father tried to teach me. There are so many things about Christianity that just make no sense to me. Right here in this blog you’ve seen me ridicule various aspects of it. But, like many of you probably do, I still pray from time to time. It just feels good once in awhile, doesn’t it? Even if you’re not entirely sure anyone’s listening. It’s a psychological thing, ya know?

This past week I finally decided to stop fighting some of the turmoils I’ve had inside. I prayed the following prayer, almost word-for-word:

“God, you know that I have trouble believing the sacrifice was ever truly made. But I want to accept it anyway and hope that you somehow help me reconcile those doubts. I’m inviting you back into my life.”

At that point I turned on K-Love (Christian radio station) in my car. This song was the very first song that played. I am not really sure why I mentioned that part of the story because, to be absolutely honest with you, I’m a bit embarrassed by so many parts of it. I’ve ranted against Christianity for so long now that it feels almost hypocritical to be talking about Donny praying and listening to Christian radio.

Part of the “blame” for me coming to this decision must be layed on the Pastors of XXXChurch.com. In fact, JR flew out from Michigan to spend a day at my house and is currently sleeping in my guest room as I type this (more on that in a future blog entry).

I feel a huge sense of relief and happiness for the first time in a LONG, LONG time. This blog’s not going anywhere. I’ll have to change the title to “Donny’s Ramblings: Diary of a FORMER Pornographer” or something similar, but I’ll still be blogging. And I don’t intend to remove any prior entries, as I think that would take away from my story.

There’s a lot more detail to share with you, but right now I’m dead tired and need to get some sleep. Earlier in this blog entry I mentioned being scared, and I still haven’t told you exactly why. Here it is:

At this point I don’t know where I’m going, what I’m doing, or what the future holds.

That terrifies me.

19 thoughts on “I’m Out, But the Blog Abides!

  1. Below I’ll be reposting the comments that were left when this blog entry was on my old blog…

  2. Below I’ll be reposting the comments that were left when this blog entry was on my old blog…

  3. At 3:46 AM, September 28, 2006, Hamper said…I think this is a hoax.Wasn’t the blog hacked a while ago? I think that it is a hacker/imposter writing the blogs not Donny…

  4. At 3:46 AM, September 28, 2006, Hamper said…

    I think this is a hoax.

    Wasn’t the blog hacked a while ago? I think that it is a hacker/imposter writing the blogs not Donny…

  5. At 1:14 PM, September 28, 2006, Jeffy (DatingMan) said…Can I have your magical nose portal if you’re done with it?Best of luck to ya! And don’t burn your bridges, sell them or recycle the wood…

  6. At 1:14 PM, September 28, 2006, Jeffy (DatingMan) said…

    Can I have your magical nose portal if you’re done with it?

    Best of luck to ya! And don’t burn your bridges, sell them or recycle the wood…

  7. I read the article that XXXChurch had about you and I have one thing to say to you: Welcome to the family! I struggle with porn myself and I know it is a constant battle. I try not to sin but I still do. Just to warn you, it’s not going to be easy. There’s a Christian song out there that says that He never told us that it would be easy (being a Christian) but that we wouldn’t do it alone. I know God has plans for you. One thing that helps me out with my struggles is to tell someone and then let my life be a testimony to those struggling with it. Again, welcome to the family!In Him!Meg from IN

  8. I read the article that XXXChurch had about you and I have one thing to say to you: Welcome to the family! I struggle with porn myself and I know it is a constant battle. I try not to sin but I still do. Just to warn you, it’s not going to be easy. There’s a Christian song out there that says that He never told us that it would be easy (being a Christian) but that we wouldn’t do it alone. I know God has plans for you. One thing that helps me out with my struggles is to tell someone and then let my life be a testimony to those struggling with it. Again, welcome to the family!

    In Him!
    Meg from IN

  9. Congrats on your decision. Now comes the hard part–actually living by faith. Professing is the first step, and an important one, but practicing what you preach can be hard.I have gone through a similar circumstance–changing ships midstream and wondering how the bills will get paid. God was amazing and I pray that he will be that way for you. YOU MUST PRAY FOR HIS FINANCIAL HELP AND BELIEVE THAT HE WILL PROVIDE.I will pray for you.AustinBiloxi, Mississippi

  10. Congrats on your decision. Now comes the hard part–actually living by faith. Professing is the first step, and an important one, but practicing what you preach can be hard.

    I have gone through a similar circumstance–changing ships midstream and wondering how the bills will get paid. God was amazing and I pray that he will be that way for you. YOU MUST PRAY FOR HIS FINANCIAL HELP AND BELIEVE THAT HE WILL PROVIDE.

    I will pray for you.

    Austin
    Biloxi, Mississippi

  11. I have been reading your blog for about a year or more, not consistently though. Anyway, congrats. I will really be praying for you and your family. My husband and I are huge believers of xxx church and tell everyone we know about getting free of porn. We know it’s possible b/c my husband did it. I am sure you are surrounded by hundreds of supporters but we want to tell you we are also here for you and if you ever need an ear to listen, we’ll be there. You are not in this alone. Hang in there. Fight the good fight. YOU ROCK!!!!

  12. I have been reading your blog for about a year or more, not consistently though. Anyway, congrats. I will really be praying for you and your family. My husband and I are huge believers of xxx church and tell everyone we know about getting free of porn. We know it’s possible b/c my husband did it. I am sure you are surrounded by hundreds of supporters but we want to tell you we are also here for you and if you ever need an ear to listen, we’ll be there. You are not in this alone. Hang in there. Fight the good fight. YOU ROCK!!!!

  13. Hey Donny,Congratulations on finding God and allowing Him to give you the good life. It takes some time but I promise you, it DOES come!I’m an ex porn actress who has been there and done that and who has been following God and living the good life for twelve years now. Check my story out and I pray it blesses you!www.shelleylubben.com

  14. Hey Donny,
    Congratulations on finding God and allowing Him to give you the good life. It takes some time but I promise you, it DOES come!
    I’m an ex porn actress who has been there and done that and who has been following God and living the good life for twelve years now. Check my story out and I pray it blesses you!
    http://www.shelleylubben.com

  15. Its always interesting as we change in life, ever shifting into new discoveries of who we are.Is it about finding god, or is it really about accepting who you are, and having peace in that? Have fun in your journeys. Having shuffled around I have found it best to hit the reset button every once and a while in my life and just explore as if I was a new person, and its very neat where you end up each time.Freedom thru Peace of ActionCasey

  16. Its always interesting as we change in life, ever shifting into new discoveries of who we are.

    Is it about finding god, or is it really about accepting who you are, and having peace in that?

    Have fun in your journeys. Having shuffled around I have found it best to hit the reset button every once and a while in my life and just explore as if I was a new person, and its very neat where you end up each time.

    Freedom thru Peace of Action
    Casey

  17. Holy crap (literally…well, except for the crap part)! When God Ran. Dude, you’ve got to read my story on my blog. That’s my song too; and, yes, I’ve sometimes been “ashamed” of the cheese factor (shoot, at least you had the newer version…I heard the old school Benny Hester version)…but it is awesome. The picture of God running to me.

    Hey, if you are sometimes around Sacramento, I’d really like to meet you.

  18. Holy crap (literally…well, except for the crap part)! When God Ran. Dude, you’ve got to read my story on my blog. That’s my song too; and, yes, I’ve sometimes been “ashamed” of the cheese factor (shoot, at least you had the newer version…I heard the old school Benny Hester version)…but it is awesome. The picture of God running to me.

    Hey, if you are sometimes around Sacramento, I’d really like to meet you.

  19. Pingback: A Blatant Case of Backside Kissin’ « Donny’s Ramblings

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