Donny's Ramblings

Almost 1 Week

25 Comments

(this is being reposted from my old blog)

It’s now been almost a week since I’ve given up porn to surrender my life to God again. And what a week it’s been. Several people have been supportive. Others… not so much. To put it mildly.

Surprisingly, some of the biggest supporters of this decision have come from within the adult industry itself. At some point in the future I’ll make a blog entry that consists of nothing but reactions from others. I think you’ll find that one quite interesting.

Belinda and I have a lot of talking to do, that’s for sure. She thinks I’ve gone “temporarily insane”. But she loves me and is desperate to know what happens next. For now I’ll say no more about the two of us.

Each day I’ve run the range of emotions from being very happy to feeling very sad. What surprises me, however, is that I have no desire to go backwards.

Right now it’s after 3 am and I can’t sleep. My mind is racing. I had photo shoots scheduled last week and cancelled them all. Cancelling my source of income brings lots of scary thoughts to mind that aren’t conducive to sleeping well.

Of course, my dad was happy to hear that I’ve given up porn and am asking God to be a part of my life again. He had some surprising advice:

“Don’t let anyone talk you into becoming ‘religious’. God doesn’t ask that of you. Stay true to yourself. We need to get together soon and have some long talks.”

This blog will soon change. I’ll archive it in its current form, but the new template will have the porn links removed. On the archived version of the blog the links will remain. That, my friends, is part of “being true to myself”. I don’t want to feel like a hypocrite and I am not going to hide what I’ve done in my past.

25 thoughts on “Almost 1 Week

  1. Since I transferred this blog entry from my old blog I’m also transferring the comments…

  2. Since I transferred this blog entry from my old blog I’m also transferring the comments…

  3. At 7:14 AM, October 01, 2006, Jeff said…Good on ya, mate! Seriously, what your dad said is true. You’ll start understanding the distinction between “Christianity (TM)” and a follower of Christ. There are a lot of people, as you already know, who use the name Christianity as a sort of weapon to wield. You see it in the “Religious Right,” “Christian Conservatism” and the like. THAT is “Christianity (TM)” and it’s a very bad thing.Still looking for some opportunities. One idea hit me in the shower today (one of the best places for me to think) and if something comes of it, I’ll email it to you!

  4. At 7:14 AM, October 01, 2006, Jeff said…

    Good on ya, mate! Seriously, what your dad said is true. You’ll start understanding the distinction between “Christianity (TM)” and a follower of Christ. There are a lot of people, as you already know, who use the name Christianity as a sort of weapon to wield. You see it in the “Religious Right,” “Christian Conservatism” and the like. THAT is “Christianity (TM)” and it’s a very bad thing.
    Still looking for some opportunities. One idea hit me in the shower today (one of the best places for me to think) and if something comes of it, I’ll email it to you!

  5. At 7:19 AM, October 01, 2006, Angela St. Lawrence said…Donny…Please don’t take this as a criticism, because it is nothing of the sort. You have every right to follow your path, and I would be the first one to say/propose/agree that every and all paths should lead to a God of some sort.But, may I ask? Why can’t you love God and do the porn thing? Who said you can’t do that? Did God (your heart) tell you that? Or did someone who has “an inside track” to God propose this. While I am not religious, I am very spiritual. And I don’t just mouth those words…I try (don’t make it every time, but I think I have a pretty good track record)I walk the way I talk. My point being, that I personally do not see why I can’t do what I do (erotic conversations/phonesex) and still love God. This is your blog, so I don’t want to steal any of your thunder and will shut-up now.But I do look forward to your response. ~Angela

  6. At 7:19 AM, October 01, 2006, Angela St. Lawrence said…

    Donny…

    Please don’t take this as a criticism, because it is nothing of the sort. You have every right to follow your path, and I would be the first one to say/propose/agree that every and all paths should lead to a God of some sort.

    But, may I ask? Why can’t you love God and do the porn thing? Who said you can’t do that? Did God (your heart) tell you that? Or did someone who has “an inside track” to God propose this.

    While I am not religious, I am very spiritual. And I don’t just mouth those words…I try (don’t make it every time, but I think I have a pretty good track record)I walk the way I talk.

    My point being, that I personally do not see why I can’t do what I do (erotic conversations/phonesex) and still love God.

    This is your blog, so I don’t want to steal any of your thunder and will shut-up now.

    But I do look forward to your response. ~Angela

  7. At 2:42 PM, October 01, 2006, Jeff said…Angela,Would you mind if others besides Donny responded as well? No problem either way…it’s just a thoughtful question and deserves to be addressed.

  8. At 2:42 PM, October 01, 2006, Jeff said…

    Angela,
    Would you mind if others besides Donny responded as well? No problem either way…it’s just a thoughtful question and deserves to be addressed.

  9. At 3:57 PM, October 01, 2006, Angela St. Lawrence said…jeff:Of course not..hop right in. I particularly liked what you had to say. I’m sure you will have some keen insight into all of this.

  10. At 3:57 PM, October 01, 2006, Angela St. Lawrence said…

    jeff:

    Of course not..hop right in. I particularly liked what you had to say. I’m sure you will have some keen insight into all of this.

  11. At 4:52 PM, October 01, 2006, Anonymous said…

    Hi! I ran into your blog a couple of days ago by running into the xxxchurch website. (Which I inturn found through googling my questions and doubts about God, my own faith, and porn)

    I like how you pointed out that you will archive your blog as the way it was, no one should be ashamed of who they are and who they once were!

    I wanted to wish you goodluck in your journey, I assume that it will not be easy, but I am happy for you that you have let God back into your life.

    – Arenda

  12. At 8:17 PM, October 01, 2006, s said…I don’t think anything about you has changed. I think the objective conditions of running porn on the internet have changed, so you don’t like it anymore, so you’re not doing it anymore. The evidence is right in your blog.But as the day goes on and the model almost becomes a part of the atmosphere you can see her relax and […] her pussy will literally start dripping 9 times out of 10. — Setting the Mood, Wednesday, October 26, 2005My goal is for models to enjoy themselves and for that enjoyment to show in the photos.– When Posing Nude Actually Raises Self Confidence, Thursday, March 02, 2006I’ll tell you why I personally don’t like to shoot hardcore sex scenes: […] She’s going to regret shooting the scene the second she leaves my house. — Donny’s Views on Shooting Hardcore Porn, Thursday, June 09, 2005Lately we’re becoming so well known that almost every model we recruit ends up found by family members.Now, I can tell myself it’s their own fault, they were warned, they signed a […] model release […]. But none of that stops the pain every time another girl calls on the phone asking what to do now that daddy and mommy are telling her she’s shamed her family.I’m […] out of the porn business […] this isn’t good for me anymore. — Donovan Phillips said… (3:27 PM), I’m Out, But the Blog Abides!, Thursday, September 28, 2006The trouble is right here: every model we recruit ends up found by family members. It isn’t you and isn’t even your site. Your traffic may be up, but that isn’t the problem. The problem is that a critical mass of adults, grown-ups, parents is now on-line. It’s a small change, but it makes all the difference.

  13. At 8:17 PM, October 01, 2006, s said…

    I don’t think anything about you has changed. I think the objective conditions of running porn on the internet have changed, so you don’t like it anymore, so you’re not doing it anymore. The evidence is right in your blog.

    But as the day goes on and the model almost becomes a part of the atmosphere you can see her relax and […] her pussy will literally start dripping 9 times out of 10.
    — Setting the Mood, Wednesday, October 26, 2005

    My goal is for models to enjoy themselves and for that enjoyment to show in the photos.
    — When Posing Nude Actually Raises Self Confidence, Thursday, March 02, 2006

    I’ll tell you why I personally don’t like to shoot hardcore sex scenes: […] She’s going to regret shooting the scene the second she leaves my house.
    — Donny’s Views on Shooting Hardcore Porn, Thursday, June 09, 2005

    Lately we’re becoming so well known that almost every model we recruit ends up found by family members.

    Now, I can tell myself it’s their own fault, they were warned, they signed a […] model release […]. But none of that stops the pain every time another girl calls on the phone asking what to do now that daddy and mommy are telling her she’s shamed her family.

    I’m […] out of the porn business […] this isn’t good for me anymore.
    — Donovan Phillips said… (3:27 PM), I’m Out, But the Blog Abides!, Thursday, September 28, 2006

    The trouble is right here: every model we recruit ends up found by family members. It isn’t you and isn’t even your site. Your traffic may be up, but that isn’t the problem. The problem is that a critical mass of adults, grown-ups, parents is now on-line. It’s a small change, but it makes all the difference.

  14. At 8:55 PM, October 01, 2006, s said…If your path out of porn is going to be into religion, then both you and Belinda need to readCracks In The Wall, Part I: Defining the Authoritarian PersonalityCracks In The Wall, Part II: Listening to the LeaversCracks in the Wall, Part III: Escape LaddersIt’s on the longish side, and it may not seem relevant until you get into part II, but the time spent reading it is well rewarded. At the very least, it will give you some tools for your journey.

  15. At 8:55 PM, October 01, 2006, s said…

    If your path out of porn is going to be into religion, then both you and Belinda need to read

    Cracks In The Wall, Part I: Defining the Authoritarian Personality

    Cracks In The Wall, Part II: Listening to the Leavers

    Cracks in the Wall, Part III: Escape Ladders

    It’s on the longish side, and it may not seem relevant until you get into part II, but the time spent reading it is well rewarded. At the very least, it will give you some tools for your journey.

  16. At 9:06 PM, October 01, 2006, Geri said…I think the steps you are taking are awesome…Just a thought on your last blog, though…Ypu said you would archive it with the old links so it would nt hide your past…but what about people who go to the archive to read your story (because maybe they are struggling to break free too) and then they have those links staring them in the face. So, hey, its your blog, and God will lead you to the best decision for you, but I thought I would point out that counter point. God bless.

  17. At 9:06 PM, October 01, 2006, Geri said…

    I think the steps you are taking are awesome…

    Just a thought on your last blog, though…
    Ypu said you would archive it with the old links so it would nt hide your past…but what about people who go to the archive to read your story (because maybe they are struggling to break free too) and then they have those links staring them in the face. So, hey, its your blog, and God will lead you to the best decision for you, but I thought I would point out that counter point. God bless.

  18. At 5:29 AM, October 02, 2006, Jeff said…Angela,OK…understand that for now, I’m speaking for me. Don’t apply what I say to Donny unless he comes in and agrees with it.Here’s the thing: Jesus doesn’t allow for the “all paths to God” theory. He said, “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father but by me.” So you cannot reasonably say that all paths lead to God. Either you believe what he said (which negates every other way to God) or you choose to believe there is more than one way, which negates what Jesus said. It’s not something you can have both ways.So, if you’re going to choose to believe what Jesus said, then you also have to accept what he said. Matthew 5:27-28 says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” The implication is that once the mind settles on a lustful thought between yourself and someone else (except in marriage), one is now sinning.How serious is Jesus about this statement? Check 29-30: “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” Basically, if I cannot control lust’s power over me, it’s better for me to poke out my eye than to be suject to it’s power. And it’s better for me to cut off my right hand than to not be able to control masturbating once I start focusing on those lustful thoughts. Not exactly just a suggestion.So, if Jesus made that statement, saying that thinking about another lustfully is sin, how much more accountable is one who makes their living by making people lust?One negative about the internet is that you can’t see who I am when I write this. You can’t see that all I want to do is hug you when I write it, wanting to show you that though Jesus does say that, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and want what’s best for you. So while this is what Jesus says, and I will never deny it, I’m not trying to throw stones with it. I hope you take it as such.

  19. At 5:29 AM, October 02, 2006, Jeff said…

    Angela,
    OK…understand that for now, I’m speaking for me. Don’t apply what I say to Donny unless he comes in and agrees with it.
    Here’s the thing: Jesus doesn’t allow for the “all paths to God” theory. He said, “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father but by me.” So you cannot reasonably say that all paths lead to God. Either you believe what he said (which negates every other way to God) or you choose to believe there is more than one way, which negates what Jesus said. It’s not something you can have both ways.
    So, if you’re going to choose to believe what Jesus said, then you also have to accept what he said. Matthew 5:27-28 says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” The implication is that once the mind settles on a lustful thought between yourself and someone else (except in marriage), one is now sinning.
    How serious is Jesus about this statement? Check 29-30: “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” Basically, if I cannot control lust’s power over me, it’s better for me to poke out my eye than to be suject to it’s power. And it’s better for me to cut off my right hand than to not be able to control masturbating once I start focusing on those lustful thoughts. Not exactly just a suggestion.
    So, if Jesus made that statement, saying that thinking about another lustfully is sin, how much more accountable is one who makes their living by making people lust?
    One negative about the internet is that you can’t see who I am when I write this. You can’t see that all I want to do is hug you when I write it, wanting to show you that though Jesus does say that, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and want what’s best for you. So while this is what Jesus says, and I will never deny it, I’m not trying to throw stones with it. I hope you take it as such.

  20. To reposted, who wrote: “I think the objective conditions of running porn on the internet have changed, so you don’t like it anymore, so you’re not doing it anymore. The evidence is right in your blog.”I was thinking the same thing. Changes of heart & spirit based on weariness are not as long-lived as those made with conviction and purpose. It will be interesting to see what progresses… Not that I have any real opinion of what Donny decides &/or does, for this isn’t about me. :)To Jeff, who wrote: “Jesus doesn’t allow for the “all paths to God” theory. He said, “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father but by me.” “Oh, Jeff, I see now. You assume the use of the word “God” is limited to not only Christiaity but to the iterpretations of men as put into the current version of The Bible ~ despite the actual historical proof of other stories, lessons and advice from other works that have been neglected by men with mortal, sinful motives.In fact, there are passages and documentation which illustrate Jesus and God were more flexible than the works currently called ‘theirs’.Please do not think I am angry with/at you. Your beliefs don’t make me angry, but the removal of Truth does ~ for if beleivers knew, if they looked at the proof of what does exist and were willing to read it, and consider it is as valid as any other part of The Bible, they would themselves be not only be aware but remain beleivers ~ just with a better sense of the spiritual world. Which is as God intended.Lastly, to Donny:I wish you well, my friend; which ever path you choose. You’ve often shown integrity at this blog. A sure sign of faith and ‘goodness’ no matter what your current thoughts on the career may be. With much affection,Gracie

  21. To reposted, who wrote: “I think the objective conditions of running porn on the internet have changed, so you don’t like it anymore, so you’re not doing it anymore. The evidence is right in your blog.”

    I was thinking the same thing. Changes of heart & spirit based on weariness are not as long-lived as those made with conviction and purpose. It will be interesting to see what progresses… Not that I have any real opinion of what Donny decides &/or does, for this isn’t about me. 🙂

    To Jeff, who wrote: “Jesus doesn’t allow for the “all paths to God” theory. He said, “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father but by me.” “

    Oh, Jeff, I see now. You assume the use of the word “God” is limited to not only Christiaity but to the iterpretations of men as put into the current version of The Bible ~ despite the actual historical proof of other stories, lessons and advice from other works that have been neglected by men with mortal, sinful motives.

    In fact, there are passages and documentation which illustrate Jesus and God were more flexible than the works currently called ‘theirs’.

    Please do not think I am angry with/at you. Your beliefs don’t make me angry, but the removal of Truth does ~ for if beleivers knew, if they looked at the proof of what does exist and were willing to read it, and consider it is as valid as any other part of The Bible, they would themselves be not only be aware but remain beleivers ~ just with a better sense of the spiritual world. Which is as God intended.

    Lastly, to Donny:

    I wish you well, my friend; which ever path you choose. You’ve often shown integrity at this blog. A sure sign of faith and ‘goodness’ no matter what your current thoughts on the career may be.

    With much affection,
    Gracie

  22. Very inspiring story mate, got a lot of respect for you.

  23. Very inspiring story mate, got a lot of respect for you.

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