Definitions of Kook on the Web:
* someone regarded as eccentric or crazy and standing out from a group
* Crank, crackpot, or quack
I’ve been holding back a little in my writing, partially because I don’t want to embarrass myself. If I told everything I’ve been experiencing it might come off as a bit “kooky” to some (particulary to those from my porn-producing past), but I’m getting closer and closer to not really caring what others think. Part of this is because I’ve been taking such a beating in the porn community from my former colleagues. Some of their comments have been posted in past blog entries and many of you have come to my defense. The majority of these attacks are posted on industry discussion boards.
I’ve been amazed to discover that there’s a positive side to these attacks: the more they make fun of me, the easier it is to open up. What more can be said about me that hasn’t already been said? Each attack seems to make me stronger. A lot of strength is something I definitely need right now. One of the hardest things to face has to do with Belinda, whom I’ve been with nearly 24/7 for almost 6 years. She thinks I’ve gone temporarily insane. She’s very happy with our former life and has no desire to change it, so for now she fully intends to continue producing porn on her own. We’re not completely “calling off” our relationship at this point, but we will be taking a break from each other for awhile to explore where our futures take us.
While I’ve been receiving a few I wish I had the balls to do what you’re doing comments from people I know in porn, my email box is literally filled with encouraging comments from the Christian community. I’ve received emails from all across the country. Some tell me that my story is an encouragement to them. Others tell me that they’ve found a stronger faith after reading my story. I’ve even received an inquiry from a publishing company introducing me to one of their authors who is willing to “ghost write” or co-author my story. Perhaps the most flattering experience I’ve had was just earlier today when I stumbled across a MySpace profile that has my name listed in the “who I’d like to meet” section. Literally hundreds of people have let me know they’re praying for me, and that they have mentioned me to their respective churches, who are praying for me as well. So in total, there are thousands of individuals who are sending prayers to God’s ears on my behalf.
If I tell you about the electric shock I received while driving you’d think I’m completely off my rocker, so I’ll save that story for another time. For now let me ask a question: Do you have any idea what it’s like to have thousands of people talking to God about you?
Let me tell you (this is where that word “kooky” comes in):
Every time I drive alone, praying, my arms and legs are covered with goose bumps and I feel God’s power all over me. Sometimes I can’t help but cry. It’s like my body can’t stand everything I am experiencing without some sort of emotional outlet.
The drive back from Seattle was especially powerful. I was praying and asking for some direction, as I have some major decisions to make very soon (I wrote a bit about them in my last blog entry). My prayers continued Friday and yesterday as well. I’ve received an inner peace with the decision I’ve come to, which I’ll tell you all about in a future update. I will tell you this much: I have come to realize that the job offer I wrote about was God’s way of “faith building”. He wasn’t necessarily telling me I had to take that job. He just wanted to show me that I have no need to worry. I’ve had multiple “faith building experiences” lately.
And for this I thank all of you who are praying for me… please don’t stop.
(my new MySpace profile is now online… feel free to send a friend request)