When I began my career as a porn producer I caught a lot of flack from Christians. I used their comments to fuel my drive to delve deeper and deeper into the adult entertainment business.
Now, in part, I’m using the people in the adult entertainment business to help my drive to become a full-blown Jesus Freak. While I still have a handful of people from the business who are proving they are true friends (by supporting my decision even if they don’t agree with it), the overwhelming majority of people are just getting more and more cruel with their comments.
One man I used to consider a good friend has begun publicly tearing me apart. That one instance is really the only person who hurts me at this point. The rest just fuel my fire.
Some enjoy throwing my own comments back in my face. They’ll quote things I’ve written in my old blog and smugly think they’re proving something. I guess they missed that note on the left column of this new blog where I’ve written that those past blog entries have been left on record on purpose. I’m not hiding from anything I’ve said. We’ve all been wrong in our lives. I wrote many mean, hurtful things about Christianity. At the time, it was one of the ways I vented my frustrations with organized religion. I didn’t know it then, but with everything that’s happened in my life since September 25th, it’s rather evident that I was just deluding myself. God has the power to change hearts. He has definitely changed mine.
I really enjoy self-analysis. I try to be as honest with myself as possible. I realize that I keep going back to the message boards and responding because I really, truly need to read what is being written. It drives me. It gives me further resolve to do everything in my power to never again give up on God. I don’t want to fail and prove the ignorant to be right about me.
Perhaps that’s a bad attitude for me to take, but at least it’s an honest one.