Donny's Ramblings

There's More to It Than Meets the Eye


At risk of sounding even kookier than ever before, I have to let out a bit of the excitement I feel inside. The best way for me to do this is to write. Writing is my release. And you, my constant readers, play your part in helping me find that release.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflection lately, as I’m sure you can imagine. I’ve thought back over my career in the adult industry. Out of habit, I keep telling people I was a porn producer for 8 years. In actuality I produced porn for a little over 9 years. My career started on a part time basis in the summer of 1997. It’s now fall of 2006. That equals 9 years if my math is correct. For the first few years I hid it from the good woman who is now my ex-wife. A strong Christian, she thought I was a “Technology Consultant” because that’s what I told her. Once she found out the truth we were finished.

It’s well documented how much I’ve hated Christians in the past. I’ve decided to leave all of those blog entries up because they are a part of my life. There may not be an active link to my old blog, but the search engines are full of my rebellious ramblings. From time to time I questioned the existence of God himself. Those questions were rather weak and didn’t last long. It’s hard to question His existence when nature itself screams out that an intelligent designer put everything together.

I prayed. Not all the time, but on a regular basis I’d communicate with God. I never once felt he had forsaken me. In fact, there were many times I’d look skyward and profess my belief that he must still be allowing my life to be blessed for some reason. I was able to see and do things the majority of the population will never experience.

God understood me better than I could ever understand myself. Yeah, that’s a very cliché thing to say, but it’s the truth. He was always there whispering in my ear, telling me that there is a lot more to HIS reality than what the church offered. So many people in church show up, stare blankly at their hymnals or the projection screen on the wall, listen to what the preacher has to say, and then go home unmoved. It’s routine. That must be all they need. That’s not enough for me.

I’m still bothered when I watch Christians. Since September 25th I’ve been going to church and have tried to make a point of sitting as close to the front as possible so I’m not distracted by the actions of others. My major problem is allowing myself to put my eyes on them instead of concentrating on my own relationship with God. I’ll write that again so it sinks in a little: I realize the problem is my own. I hate watching pretenders. I hate seeing people go through the motions because everyone else is, and they want to fit in.

I know it sounds crazy, and many will doubt it, but God has been communicating with me on a level I never would have believed possible. And he’s been doing so in many different ways. I’m very much convinced this has a lot to do with all the prayers reaching God’s ears from those of you who have heard my story. You’re helping so much and really spoiling me right now.

I’m going out on a limb now to show you an example of what’s been happening to me. If you think I’m off my rocker feel free to let me know. I can handle it. I still want to share this with you.

A bit more background information: I’m not one to just accept what others tell me. I need to learn something for myself. I need to understand and comprehend what’s happening. Things need to make sense to me. I’ve had so many questions in my mind over the years about events that happened in the Bible that make absolutely NO SENSE to me. Horrible things happened in the Old Testament, such as infants being ripped from their mothers wombs, supposedly at God’s command (read Hosea 13:16). I used those questions to criticize those who believe the Bible to be divinely inspired.

In the weeks leading up to my surrender to God I called Craig Gross from and told him I was done with porn but not quite ready to surrender to God because I had too many questions that needed answers. But deep inside I wanted to surrender. I finally did so, without all the answers I was looking for because I felt He was promising to help me find the answers to my questions. The search for said answers is going to teach me quite a bit more than I realize.

Dear Constant Reader, my answers are starting to arrive. I’m not going to keep quiet about this, even though I fear that speaking of the manner in which God has been answering might make me look insane to some of you. I am at the point where I really don’t care what other people think.

One of the MANY major questions in my mind has always been, “If God cares so much and loves us so much, why do people hurt and die?” Especially children.

As promised, God has begun to come through. Ready for the insanity? Here I go:

Last week I had a dream. In the dream I was in a store by a lake. My dad and step-mom were at the counter paying for something. I was reading through Hallmark cards when God started speaking to me in my head. My step mom nodded her head towards me so my dad would look my way and notice the huge smile on my face and the goose bumps on my arms. I began walking down the hall crying joyful tears and fell to the ground. God was speaking to me with a warm voice and in a tone that was very comforting. This was a dream, mind you, but the communication in that dream was answering the question I just wrote about. Here’s what he had to say:

These things are allowed to happen because of “choice” and “faith”. This earth belongs to us, and we must choose God, not because we want to have a perfect life, but because we truly want to know and commune with him. He needs to be our choice. He demands that the choice be entirely ours. EVERYONE would seek him if he made lives perfect. It’s “tough love” on his part to watch some of the suffering that happens here, but we learn things from our experiences that we aren’t even aware we’re learning. He won’t make our lives perfect for us just because we ask for it. We still have to work hard and live and love and play, but what he does offer is a comfort and bit of help once in awhile. And he also offers us the strength we need to face what life brings to us. In “the big picture” life itself is so fleeting, and the pain we experience while here is even shorter.

Some people say God has a plan for everyone. That is true, I’m sure. But we also have to be proactive to make that plan a reality. It won’t just “happen” if you know what I mean. So many people sit back in their easy chair eating bon bons and having the attitude that life will just happen for them because “God is in control”. Let me ask you a question… if you’re a parent, will you just allow your children to sit back and relax while you go out and get their life going for them, or will you encourage them to experience life on their own?

We can’t see the big picture. We can only see a tiny part of it. On the timeline of eternity we’re here on earth for less than a speck. I don’t completely understand what we learn here, but I have a feeling it’s a lot more than anyone realizes. Everything here serves a purpose. Some of the bad things that happen now are for reasons we won’t understand for a very long time.

A good parent won’t let their child eat too much candy. When children are young they may not understand why they are not allowed to eat all the candy they want. It seems so good! How can it be bad? Mommy and Daddy must be mean people to say “No, you can’t have anymore!” Eventually a child will grow and come to the understanding of “why” his/her parents were “so mean”. That’s what I was being told in my dream. I may not understand all of the “why’s” right now, but in time we all will. We’re on earth because the earth is a gift and a learning experience for us. Likewise, we have to pray because this is “our” world. It belongs to us, so we must invite God to do things for us. He doesn’t just enact his will, just as parents won’t go build a life for their child. But, like that parent, he will help out once in awhile when we ask.

All of that was revealed to me in my dream, and I am very confident such revelations are going to continue. Some of you may have already known these answers. For me, there is hearing and then there is KNOWING. Right now I’m being tutored one on one and I’m so excited I can hardly contain it.

I’ve never in my life experienced anything like this before. When people ask why I am willing to give up everything to “find God” I don’t really know what to tell them. How could I possibly explain what it’s like to have God’s presence descend on me? And how in the world can anything in my past compare to this experience? And why in the world did God choose to begin pouring his presence out on me after what I’ve been doing the past 9 years, when others seek to experience this and have never harmed others as I have done?

To those asking questions, all I have to say to you is this:

You simply can’t know… until you know. But as for me? I want more!

11 thoughts on “There's More to It Than Meets the Eye

  1. “If you think I’m off my rocker feel free to let me know. I can handle it.”As your best friend… I think you fell off the rocker a month or so back!”It’s hard to question His existence when nature itself screams out that an intelligent designer put everything together.”I agree. We were put here some how, however, the intelligent designer made a lot of mistakes. To create THIS world he was either far from perfect or he sneezed in the petri dish.”He was always there whispering in my ear”Does he have a Jewish accent?”If God cares so much and loves us so much, why do people hurt and die?”Good question! I’d like to know why I sat and watched my step father suffer, shake, and cry for help for 12 hours before his heart finally stopped beating last night.Donny, you see proof that there is a god? I see proof that there isn’t. There may have been a superior being at one time, however, he either isn’t here anymore or he simply doesn’t give a shit! If there is a god and he allows things like this to happen then he can kiss my ass!Babies suffering of leukemia, kids dyeing in car wrecks. I see no proof that there is a god. I do however see plenty of evidence that backs up the likely hood that god does not exist.”You have to seek him” Bullshit!You think I haven’t prayed? I’ve asked many times “God if your real, please let me know that you exist”Guess what… Nothing! Know why? Because there is no God!So now you are insinuating that you have communications with god because you have so many people preying for you out there. What about me? I guess since I didn’t produce porn for 9 years I don’t deserve all that prayer huh? I’m just supposed to believe. I’ll bet that If I study hard enough and try to make excuses for all my unanswered questions then I might brainwash myself in to being a believer. It’s going to be hard though since I don’t have thousands of people preying for me as you do. Give me a break!xxxChurch came running to you because you produced porn and they want to make you a poster boy. Wanna bet they don’t come flying to my house tomorrow night? How much?It’s all business and money.I’m so sick of trying to believe in a fairy tale that doesn’t exist!Just my .02

  2. the main thing is, God did’nt initially create the world as we know it today.. man in fact is to blame for all the problems. In short, we have never been very responsible with this ‘free will’ that God has endowed us with.If God built a perfect Creation, and gave it to man to be a steward of, with only one rule, and man screwed over the entire system.. I think that sending my son to die for that Creation, would be one of the things I would’nt feel like doing..

  3. I agree. We were put here some how, however, the intelligent designer made a lot of mistakes. To create THIS world he was either far from perfect or he sneezed in the petri dish.I’m sure you’ve heard the cliché sayings about how sin entered the world through Adam and Eve and blah blah blah blah blah. I won’t bore you with that. What I will tell you is that I firmly believe this earth is a place of learning. We have authority here. It’s our world. Have you noticed how the last century or so technology has exploded? Why didn’t that happen before? We’ve been around forever, after all. And the earth will be around long after you and I are dead and gone. People will keep learning. That’s really what we’re here for. We’re supposedly made “in God’s image”. I am sure that doesn’t mean we look like him. I think that means we have a lot of the same characteristics of God. Amongst other things, we’re probably on this earth to learn to innovate and create things, and to become more “God like” in more ways than most people realize.Of course the earth isn’t perfect. It would be rather boring if it was. What could we possibly learn from a perfect world? Seriously, think about that before responding to the first impulse to argue.I’d like to know why I sat and watched my step father suffer, shake, and cry for help for 12 hours before his heart finally stopped beating last night.I’m sorry to hear that happened. Although your family knew it was coming and have known for a very long time, I’m sure you’re still in a very emotional state after experiencing those last few hours. And if you weren’t my best friend I wouldn’t even continue to answer, because I don’t want to sound like I don’t care. Since you’re my friend you know I do. In the scheme of things 12 hours is such a short amount of time. Have you ever spanked your children in the past? The pain they feel goes away rather quickly, doesn’t it? You can either focus on that pain or focus on the larger lesson you’re trying to teach them. I don’t know what comes after this life. Nobody does. Some people think they do after reading scriptures, but the Bible is so full of symbolism that I’m not going to take Heaven or Hell to be as realistic as most, because I personally think at least part of that is symbolic and not literal. I do think something happens to us, but I don’t think anyone on earth has a clue what that will be (I reserve the right to change this belief at any time – LOL). The point is that I’m going to focus on being the best person I can be while I’m here on this earth. But lets assume for a second that there is an afterlife. Your step father’s suffering didn’t even last as long as the pain of a spanking in comparison to that. Since you don’t spank your kids, another analogy would be if they were stung by a bee. The pain from that sting goes away rather quickly. But the lesson they learn (don’t mess with bees) lasts a lifetime. Do you focus on the pain or do you, as a parent, realize that some apparently negative things are for the best interest of your kids, because they learn from them?You can never know if that’s the case with your step father. There may have been a superior being at one time, however, he either isn’t here anymore or he simply doesn’t give a shit! If there is a god and he allows things like this to happen then he can kiss my ass!I think you failed to let part of what I wrote in my post above sink in. This world belongs to us. We are learning more and more how to control what goes on in it. We’re a long way from being able to take full control of it. You and I see things from our own perspective. We don’t take into consideration what humanity learns from mistakes that have been made. If there was no disease, we wouldn’t learn how to cure it. It’s in that learning process that we progress. When scientist are looking for a way to cure X, they often find out a whole lot of information about Y and Z as well. Know what I mean? That knowledge is eventually passed on to a larger part of the population, and humanity as a whole becomes more intelligent because of it. God has a stand-off approach. Like you letting your kids learn for themselves instead of doing everything for them. We have to pray because that’s how we ask for help. Just like your kids have to ask you for help sometimes. And do you always answer their every whim? Of course not. Sometimes it’s because you simply don’t want to, and other times it’s because you realize, from your position of understanding more of the “big picture”, that they need to learn things for themselves. You don’t do their homework for them because they wouldn’t learn anything if you did. And they may not even realize what it is they’re learning. That’s the same as what God does with us: he lets “bad” things happen to us because we learn from it. We don’t always realize exactly what we’re learning, either.So now you are insinuating that you have communications with god because you have so many people praying for you out there. I think that has a whole lot to do with it. What about me? I guess since I didn’t produce porn for 9 years I don’t deserve all that prayer huh?It’s not a matter of what you or I deserve. It just “is”. Thousands of people have heard my story and are praying for me right now. I never said I “deserve” it. And because they’re not praying for John doesn’t mean you don’t. Have you asked anyone to pray for you? Think about that for a minute. I’m just supposed to believe.There is more wisdom in what you just wrote than you realize. I had all the same doubts as you. Probably more, because I have a good part of the scripture memorized because of my childhood experiences. Nothing began happening for me until I surrendered myself to God REGARDLESS of the doubts. I had always told him that I’d do it once my questions and doubts were addressed. Nothing happened. It was only after I let go and surrendered DESPITE my doubts that I began experiencing the things I’m experiencing. “I’m just supposed to believe”. Yep. That’s right. That’s the true meaning of faith.I’ll bet that If I study hard enough and try to make excuses for all my unanswered questions then I might brainwash myself in to being a believer. It’s going to be hard though since I don’t have thousands of people praying for me as you do.Studying hard will surely accomplish something for you, that’s for sure. If you’re not ready to surrender, instead of making up answers in your mind, why don’t you scour the internet for the answers? Believe me, with several billion people on the earth you can bet a few of them have had the same questions you have and have probably started discussion about them online.I also suggest reading what solem wrote, by the way. Lots of truth to that, and it goes right along with some of what I’ve said. I only hope you get a chance to experience some of the things I’ve experienced John.

  4. John,What if you’re right He was just another nice guy What if you’re right What if it’s true They say the cross will only make a fool of you And what if it’s true What if He takes His place in history With all the prophets and the kings Who taught us love, and came in peace But then the story ends What then But what if you’re wrong What if there’s more What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for What if you jump Just close your eyes What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise What if He’s more than enough What if it’s love What if you dig Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends What if you dig What if you find A thousand more unanswered questions down inside That’s all you find What if you pick apart the logic And begin to poke the holes What if the crown of thorns is no more than folklore that must be told And retold ‘Cause you’ve been running as fast as you can You’ve been looking for a place you can land For so long But what if you’re wrong What if you jump Just close your eyes What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise What if He’s more than enough What if it’s love What if it’s love

  5. Hey John. Sorry to hear about your loss. That just sucks, man. I don’t have any easy answers for you re: God, suffering, why… not sure there is one. You’re asking a question that has been asked by humanity for – well, a long time.Re: xxxchurch is “all about business and money”…I know those guys (Craig & Mike) personally. If it was about money they’d never be doing the xxxchurch thing. Both of those guys are sharp enough to climb whatever corporate ladder they want.I’m not sure there’s enough $$$ in the “porn-fighting industry” (whatever that is) to balance out the amount of abuse Mike and Craig have taken from both the conservative Christian and the porn side of the thing.

  6. donny, i viscerally connect with what you’re saying here. i’ve come to many of the same conclusions (revelations) within the last year or so of my life too.and thank you for taking the time to respond to john. too often i think people ‘pick fights’ rather than connect. its encouraging to see the connecting.

  7. Heya Brad,No Donny and I would never pick fights with each other. I appreciate the answers from all of you. I still can’t put logic to a couple of them but I’m not here to dispute or argue. I’m here to listen to different opinions and then try to put the most logical answers together to form my own opinion. I apologize for some of the above sarcasm because I was having a bad night last night. Due to the circumstances, once again I’m sorry for a few of the above words.Donny,Let me address some of my concerns in a non agressive way.1. It seems logical that if god purposely created us to be “NON” perfect then he would be the one to credit for our mistakes. Donny, So far I have not been able to associate logic to any of the given answers concerning this topic. The “choice” theory that I’ve heard a few times doesn’t make logical since to me because If I write a computer program that makes choices then I can’t be mad at the program for making a certain choice because it is a choice that I wrote in to the programming and it is simply doing what I told it to do. As you have said yourself “when the bible was written people were not as educated as we are today” and because of that many of the things written in the bible do not make since now.David, I like that poem.2. Donny, your timeline theory makes perfect logical since to me. Sometimes we get mixed up in today and forget the big picture. A bee sting does hurt, but as you said the 5 minutes of pain is a drop in the bucket. But what about being stuck in the chest from a stingray? What is the lesson there, not to swim next to a stingray? If so then shouldn’t sudden death be a bit much of a punishment for Erwin and his young daughter? That’s a pretty tough lesson for a little girl, too.I sometimes have dreams of my dad talking to me and last night I had a dream of my step dad talking to me. I don’t believe that they were conscious and talking to me I believe that likely it is my sub conscious mind just like any other dream. Why is it not logical that the dream you had the other night was nothing more then a dream? Sometimes they seem real, sometimes they do not. Sometimes they make since, sometimes they do not. Sometimes you remember them and sometimes you do not. They are dreams.I’m sure that it appears that I use logic to do nothing but try and prove that there is no god. What you probably don’t see, well, I believe that you see it but most of your readers do not, is that I’m trying hard to convince myself otherwise so I’m using questions of logic to try and pick peoples brains to prove to myself that there is a god. So far I’m still not there but I’m hoping that I will see something or feel something soon before people give up and stop answering my questions.I have a friend that I grew up with. His name is Steve Dixon, we were friends back in High school and come to think of it you may remember him from high school. He became a truck driver and drove for a few years. I didn’t hear from him during that few years. I heard rumors that he has become very religious and he carried the miniature version of the king James version in his back pocket and pulled it out and read it several times a day and that he would quote relevant scriptures to people all the time pertaining to problems that they were having.He had a nice house, nice cars, and he was financially set. He had stopped by my house once, not to preach, but to pay a debt, he said “remember that switchblade knife that you used to have when we were kids”, I said yeah, he said “How much did you pay for that knife and how much was it worth to you” By this time I pretty much knew what direction this conversation was going so I told him that I didn’t pay much for it and it didn’t mean anything to me. He told me that he had taken it and he wanted to make it right with me. I told him what I had paid for it and that it was no big deal at all, the fact that he driven clear to my house to tell me that he had taken it several years later meant more to me then the small price of the knife but he insisted on paying for it anyway.I asked him what happened to make you suddenly believe in god after all this time I’m curious!He replied by telling me a story of how he was laying in his room one night preying that if there is a god please show him. Then suddenly he said that this very strong feeling came over his entire body, it was so real and so peaceful yet powerful at the same time. He said that there was no mistaking that feeling.Less then a year later Steve was driving down the road in his truck in some other state, he slammed on the brakes and jumped out of his truck. He took off his clothes and started walking down the road naked. Cars and trucks were backed up for miles until he was arrested and his truck was moved off the road.Steve lost his mind, he became schizophrenic and he would hear voices and see things that were not there. I’ve seen him a couple times since that time, he’s unshaven, he doesn’t comb his hair, he’s homeless and sometimes I see his mug shot in the local county jail, usually for drunken in public or disorderly conduct. His own brother just writes him off as “he’s lost his mind, he’s crazy” this is pretty sad, I feel like I care more about this then his own brother but I could be wrong.What lesson is steve supposed to be learning from this?

  8. I’m thinking there’s probably more to that than meets the eye…There’s an answer to everything, but in his case I’m not sure what it is.

  9. Solem, Thanks for the reply. I see this blog has… MOVED ON!

  10. John,Moved on? No. The last line of my blog entry applies here, though. The part about not knowing until you know. That’s what happened to me. Blinders were on my eyes right up until the moment they were lifted. It is my hope for you that that will make sense someday.

  11. Donny, I just have to say Wow! Thank you for sharing this experience! These are certainly issues that I struggle with; and it’s good to hear what God has been speaking to you.

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