Donny's Ramblings

Heavy Hearted on a Sunday Morning

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This blog entry may come across as a bit of a bummer, but please know that while my heart may be heavy, my soul is so free. I have an inner peace and a joy that I haven’t had in a very long time. Many will question why I pour out such personal matters in public, but you must realize writing is a great help to me. I know others identify with many of the issues I write about, and the emails and blog comments I receive from my readers encourage me greatly. Hearing the stories of others who face similar situations helps me realize I am not alone.

So begins today’s blog…

You’ve heard the term heavy hearted. The last few days I’ve come to personally know what it means. My heart literally feels heavy, as if it’s trying to drop into my stomach.

Two factors contribute to this feeling. First on the list is Belinda. The other issue can be summed up in two words: bill collectors.

First things first.

Since Thursday, Belinda has been in Los Angeles at an adult industry convention known as Webmaster Access West. Industry conventions are great places to network and acquire new business, but the highlights of these conventions and the reason so many people attend are the elaborate parties that continue until 4am each day. This particular event culminates in the mother of all parties: a night at the Playboy Mansion for those lucky enough to receive an invitation.

It saddens me that Belinda’s there, surrounded by people who pretend to be her friend while speaking face to face or while intoxicated, yet don’t really give a crap about her at any other time. The two of us have attended numerous conventions all over the country. That after-party letdown still exists while together, but it’s dulled by being there with someone who loves you. This time she’s there alone, with nobody to truly care about her when the party subsides. She’s called a few times and admitted to feeling depressed anytime there’s “nothing going on”. I emailed her a few days ago:

All of those “fun” things are temporary fulfillments of permanent problems. I know you have a hard time understanding why I’d give everything up to follow something I ridiculed for so long. What you don’t know is that Jesus fills that void for me. Once I surrendered myself to him he became so real. Up until the point of surrender it’s impossible to realize how nice it is to just accept him. It’s really a warm feeling inside. Even on bad days, it feels good to be free of the business.

She’s been attending “after parties” in the suite of one of Playboy’s Vice Presidents. I went on to write:

It’s so “great” to hang out with the bigwigs from Playboy but none of those people truly care about you, and you’ll hardly cross their mind until you meet them again at the next show or send them a content package. Think about this for a minute: a bit of attention from them, a handshake and a few hours of hanging out drinking buys them your devotion for the rest of the year. They don’t have to recruit the models and feel the guilt when daddies no longer want to speak with their daughters, because we do that for them. They’re insulated from the human toll it takes for them to make a living. They buy that insulation from you and I with a few thousand dollars per model and a handshake at a show. I doubt they’d have the back bone to take a phone call from a crying girl.

I know deep inside she feels the same way I do about this business. But without the hope of Christ she feels there is no choice but to continue doing what she’s known these last several years. I feel so inadequate talking to her about the Bible and God’s love because all she’s ever heard from me is the bashing I used to do. Those of you who read my blog before I surrendered my life to God probably remember some of the horrible things I said about Christianity. Belinda’s heard that for the entire time we’ve been together – almost 6 years. And now I’ve done a 180 degree turn in everything I believe.

Or was it a change of mind after all? The more I think about the way I used to profess believing, the more I realize that deep inside I knew I was wrong. I fought very hard against the truth, and my words and the opinions I wrote were one of the ways I tried to convince myself that I was okay following a selfish path. How do I show that to Belinda? I’m failing hard so far. As I wrote a few days ago, anytime she begins to question my conversion by throwing some of my old attitudes in my face I get angry with her. So much for showing the love of Jesus. I desperately pray for God to help me find a way.
———-

The bill collectors have begun to call. I’ve been preparing myself for it but it still gets me down a bit. I can’t begin to describe how it feels to be able to work one day and make more than enough to pay both car payments, or even a house payment. I have a 2006 Honda Accord that I purchased new earlier this year. My payment is almost $600 for that one. And a second vehicle, a 2003 Chevy truck with a Duramax diesel engine, also runs in the mid $600s each month.

Had I been more responsible with the money I made in porn I’d have paid cash for everything. After a very poor background as a Pastor’s son, my ego loved nothing more than having to prove my income when making a purchase. It was fun to watch a salesman’s face when I pulled out documentation proving income that rarely dropped below $20k per month. The only reason it would even get that low is because I’d feel lazy and would decide to work half a month and vacation the other two weeks. If Belinda and I worked hard, our monthly income easily exceeded $50k, yet we’d have all that money spent within weeks. It was so easy to simply make a phone call, schedule a model, pick up a camera, and be paid by the end of the day, or at most 2 days later. My clients were great. I’d invoice them via email and many of them would wire the money into my account. Even the “slow” payers would fed-ex out a check for 1 or 2 day delivery. Saving was always something I’d do later. It was just too much fun to live life as large as possible.

What an idiot!

Now I have to prioritize where I spend the limited money I make (oh poor poor Donny – he gets to experience real life). My first priority is to Wendy and Caden (if you’re new here, that’s my ex-wife and my 6 year old son). I’d rather have to lose my vehicles and ride the bus than to make them suffer. Wendy’s already agreed to accept a fraction of the amount I used to pay her, but that’s still going to be a struggle to provide. Last month XXXChurch let the need be known and God came through for her. I didn’t ask nor want them to send anything my way because I didn’t want to diminish what was being sent to Wendy. I borrowed some money from Belinda, but there’s no way I’ll ever be able to pay her back. Besides, borrowing from her is still benefiting from porn and encouraging her to continue producing it. In part of the same email I referenced above, I wrote the following to Belinda:

It hurts my heart that I got you involved in this business, and it hurts it even worse knowing you don’t want to give it up. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that you’ve experienced all the same things I have, yet you wish to continue. I don’t want to be accusing, but Belinda, we ruined lives. No matter what excuses we made to justify TO OURSELVES that what we were doing is okay, the fact remains that we ruined lives. It is so selfish. SO selfish. And that’s part of the reason I don’t want any of our possessions. I don’t want things that we purchased with porn money, because it came at a really high cost to someone else. Personally, I won’t be surprised if both cars are repossessed soon. But I’m okay with that because everything I purchased while in the business was done so at the expense of models whose lives will be worse for posing for us. Poor credit is a small price to pay. I’ll almost feel guilty if that’s all I get in return for 9 years of porn production.

That’s truly how I feel, but it’s still very uncomfortable while sitting here right in the middle of the financial storm. I can’t wait for it to pass. I am encouraged by the fact that, even in the middle of said storm, I don’t have the slightest desire to resume my old life.

Thank God for that.

53 thoughts on “Heavy Hearted on a Sunday Morning

  1. I’m right there with you friend. And I’m praying for you.Ron

  2. I’m right there with you friend. And I’m praying for you.

    Ron

  3. My heart cries out for you, Donny. And for Belinda. Your testimony is a great one…all testimonies are great. And regardless of how it may feel when you’re down, you have planted seeds in Belinda’s life. The evidence is there; she’s witnessed the change. Let God do the rest. It’s not your job to save her. I will be praying for both of you.

  4. I agree with Amanda, Donny…you can’t save Belinda. She has to reach out and save herself. I know you feel guilt for her being in the business, but it’s now a choice SHE makes. The most you can do is lead by example. She will see the light that is in you. Just keep your flame lit, through the windstorms and pouring rain.You are in my prayers.

  5. I agree with Amanda, Donny…you can’t save Belinda. She has to reach out and save herself. I know you feel guilt for her being in the business, but it’s now a choice SHE makes. The most you can do is lead by example. She will see the light that is in you. Just keep your flame lit, through the windstorms and pouring rain.
    You are in my prayers.

  6. Donny,Just found your blog and I’m amazed. Too much to say to put in a comment. As you know, having God descend on you and speak to you can’t really be described, but I’m right there with you man.On finances, I’m in bankruptcy right now and have been for 3 years. Remember, God already owns everything and He loves you more than you know. He will provide for you and the people who are depending on you. When the debt and the financial pressures have done their work, they will disappear. In the meantime, God is changing your heart, and that can only happen through suffering. It will be excruciating, but God takes pleasure in transforming the painful, ugly garbage from our lives and turning it into blessings for us and others. Don’t give up, no matter what happens.

  7. Donny,

    Just found your blog and I’m amazed. Too much to say to put in a comment. As you know, having God descend on you and speak to you can’t really be described, but I’m right there with you man.

    On finances, I’m in bankruptcy right now and have been for 3 years. Remember, God already owns everything and He loves you more than you know. He will provide for you and the people who are depending on you. When the debt and the financial pressures have done their work, they will disappear. In the meantime, God is changing your heart, and that can only happen through suffering. It will be excruciating, but God takes pleasure in transforming the painful, ugly garbage from our lives and turning it into blessings for us and others. Don’t give up, no matter what happens.

  8. Donny I am so blessed by what you said- “I am encouraged by the fact that, even in the middle of said storm, I don’t have the slightest desire to resume my old life.”Do you know that I give little leaps for joy when I think of the miracle that has happened to you? It is still hard to believe it actually happened. I used to feel sad, (and yes, angry) when I thought of you. But one thing about you I truly admire is your total honesty. You say things in your blog that other people think and might not know how to express. The Holy Spirit can reach Belinda, He loves her so much.

  9. Donny I am so blessed by what you said- “I am encouraged by the fact that, even in the middle of said storm, I don’t have the slightest desire to resume my old life.”
    Do you know that I give little leaps for joy when I think of the miracle that has happened to you? It is still hard to believe it actually happened. I used to feel sad, (and yes, angry) when I thought of you. But one thing about you I truly admire is your total honesty. You say things in your blog that other people think and might not know how to express.
    The Holy Spirit can reach Belinda, He loves her so much.

  10. Donny, I am also blessed by this statement– “I am encouraged by the fact that, even in the middle of said storm, I don’t have the slightest desire to resume my old life.”It is so exciting to see the way God is working in your life. We’ll keep praying for you, and I’ll start praying for Belinda.Finances are hard, I know it! We are in a tight spot as well, but I know God will bring us (and you) through. I think He likes it when we HAVE to completely rely on Him because there’s no other choice! That’s when He can show Himself the best!

  11. Donny,
    I am also blessed by this statement– “I am encouraged by the fact that, even in the middle of said storm, I don’t have the slightest desire to resume my old life.”

    It is so exciting to see the way God is working in your life. We’ll keep praying for you, and I’ll start praying for Belinda.

    Finances are hard, I know it! We are in a tight spot as well, but I know God will bring us (and you) through. I think He likes it when we HAVE to completely rely on Him because there’s no other choice! That’s when He can show Himself the best!

  12. Donny, I am also blessed by this statement– “I am encouraged by the fact that, even in the middle of said storm, I don’t have the slightest desire to resume my old life.”It is so exciting to see the way God is working in your life. We’ll keep praying for you, and I’ll start praying for Belinda.Finances are hard, I know it! We are in a tight spot as well, but I know God will bring us (and you) through. I think He likes it when we HAVE to completely rely on Him because there’s no other choice! That’s when He can show Himself the best!

  13. Donny,
    I am also blessed by this statement– “I am encouraged by the fact that, even in the middle of said storm, I don’t have the slightest desire to resume my old life.”

    It is so exciting to see the way God is working in your life. We’ll keep praying for you, and I’ll start praying for Belinda.

    Finances are hard, I know it! We are in a tight spot as well, but I know God will bring us (and you) through. I think He likes it when we HAVE to completely rely on Him because there’s no other choice! That’s when He can show Himself the best!

  14. Didn’t mean to post twice!!

  15. Didn’t mean to post twice!!

  16. Don’t wait for bill collectors to call. Don’t wait for stuff to get repossessed. Call your creditors and tell them what is going on. If you can’t afford the cars, sell them. Write a budget and stick to it.It’s hard to do this when you don’t want to deal with it in the first place, but long term you will be in better shape.

  17. Don’t wait for bill collectors to call. Don’t wait for stuff to get repossessed. Call your creditors and tell them what is going on. If you can’t afford the cars, sell them. Write a budget and stick to it.

    It’s hard to do this when you don’t want to deal with it in the first place, but long term you will be in better shape.

  18. Jebus H. ChristMore people have killed themselves over the damage of poor stock investments than the damage that porn has done to their lives.War ruins people and your God loving president supports that.This is a fucked up society we live in.Want proof? Excuse me while I spam a porn URL on your blog. I don’t mind the extra sales that the closet pervs will be buying. :)www.playingwithtoni.comP.S. Belinda and I should be to your place by 7 tomorrow.

  19. Jebus H. Christ

    More people have killed themselves over the damage of poor stock investments than the damage that porn has done to their lives.

    War ruins people and your God loving president supports that.

    This is a fucked up society we live in.

    Want proof? Excuse me while I spam a porn URL on your blog. I don’t mind the extra sales that the closet pervs will be buying. 🙂

    http://www.playingwithtoni.com

    P.S. Belinda and I should be to your place by 7 tomorrow.

  20. Praying for you bud! I’m so glad your heart is set on Him instead of possessions… it’s SO easy to get wrapped up in things. I know you’re discouraged and probably frustrated, but the Truth is still the Truth and He WILL see you through this! When I think back to all the people in the Bible He took care of, and all the times He’s taken care of me, I know He won’t let you (or Belinda) down either. Correct me if I’m wrong, but no one “convinced” you about Jesus… they just continued to pray for you until the Holy Spirit finally got ahold of your heart and changed you. That is the exact same way Belinda will come to Christ and be saved… we’ll keep praying, and He is faithful!

  21. Praying for you bud! I’m so glad your heart is set on Him instead of possessions… it’s SO easy to get wrapped up in things.
    I know you’re discouraged and probably frustrated, but the Truth is still the Truth and He WILL see you through this! When I think back to all the people in the Bible He took care of, and all the times He’s taken care of me, I know He won’t let you (or Belinda) down either.
    Correct me if I’m wrong, but no one “convinced” you about Jesus… they just continued to pray for you until the Holy Spirit finally got ahold of your heart and changed you. That is the exact same way Belinda will come to Christ and be saved… we’ll keep praying, and He is faithful!

  22. Donny, My view differs from all of the ones that I have read so far. This may shake up a few of your “saved” readers but I know that it isn’t going to shake you up any because you have always respected the fact that I call it as I see it. Sometimes I’m wrong.Your quote..”It saddens me that Belinda’s there, surrounded by people who pretend to be her friend while speaking face to face or while intoxicated, yet don’t really give a crap about her at any other time.”Give me a break.. She is working!You know as good as I do that she doesn’t believe that those people care for her, she is playing the game to make money just as you used to do. She isn’t being conned by their gratitude, she is having a good time and drinking on their dime while associating with new people that can make her more money. It’s a job, her job.Should she be feeling sorry for you because you are working the 9 to 5 deal? After all, you are working alone in an environment full of people that don’t give a crap about you. Right?One more quote..” I don’t want to be accusing, but Belinda, we ruined lives. No matter what excuses we made to justify TO OURSELVES that what we were doing is okay, the fact remains that we ruined lives.”I think the words “ruined lives” are a bit of an over dramatic description. Sure models called up crying, and yes, at the time they thought their lives were ruined. Just as they did when they were younger and their puppy died, but three weeks later things are back to normal.An adult signing a 6 page model release and choosing to pose in the nude is not the same as some child getting molested or some woman getting raped, it just isn’t that dramatic. When they get discovered by a family member or friend…. Embarrassed, YES. Upset, SURE!It does NOT “ruin their live”.Humor me for a sec.. Is it possible that you are jealous that she is down there having fun at THE PLAYBOY MANSION? Is it possible that by sending her an email stating such that you might be trying to lay a guilt trip on her for being there? It looks that way to me. I’ve been wrong before!My .02

  23. Donny,

    My view differs from all of the ones that I have read so far. This may shake up a few of your “saved” readers but I know that it isn’t going to shake you up any because you have always respected the fact that I call it as I see it. Sometimes I’m wrong.

    Your quote..
    “It saddens me that Belinda’s there, surrounded by people who pretend to be her friend while speaking face to face or while intoxicated, yet don’t really give a crap about her at any other time.”

    Give me a break.. She is working!
    You know as good as I do that she doesn’t believe that those people care for her, she is playing the game to make money just as you used to do. She isn’t being conned by their gratitude, she is having a good time and drinking on their dime while associating with new people that can make her more money. It’s a job, her job.

    Should she be feeling sorry for you because you are working the 9 to 5 deal? After all, you are working alone in an environment full of people that don’t give a crap about you. Right?

    One more quote..
    ” I don’t want to be accusing, but Belinda, we ruined lives. No matter what excuses we made to justify TO OURSELVES that what we were doing is okay, the fact remains that we ruined lives.”

    I think the words “ruined lives” are a bit of an over dramatic description. Sure models called up crying, and yes, at the time they thought their lives were ruined. Just as they did when they were younger and their puppy died, but three weeks later things are back to normal.
    An adult signing a 6 page model release and choosing to pose in the nude is not the same as some child getting molested or some woman getting raped, it just isn’t that dramatic. When they get discovered by a family member or friend…. Embarrassed, YES. Upset, SURE!
    It does NOT “ruin their live”.

    Humor me for a sec.. Is it possible that you are jealous that she is down there having fun at THE PLAYBOY MANSION? Is it possible that by sending her an email stating such that you might be trying to lay a guilt trip on her for being there? It looks that way to me. I’ve been wrong before!

    My .02

  24. To my very good friend AaronM,I am glad you’ve decided to post links to porn on my blog. As I’ve told you, I won’t put my beliefs off on you or “preach” to you without being asked. I feel your post is a way of asking. You’ve given me permission to hold nothing back. Thank you.You wrote:More people have killed themselves over the damage of poor stock investments than the damage that porn has done to their lives.War ruins people and your God loving president supports that.Since you still produce porn, this part I’m not going to write about too much, and I’ll tell you why: it is not up to me to judge you. I would never do that. It’s simply not my place. I will ask you to “think twins” and conversations we’ve had. Yeah, you know what I mean. I don’t really have to say anything here, because you and I have had similar experiences. There are a lot of things “more” or “less” evil than other things. Does that justify those “other things”? This is a fucked up society we live in.It is indeed, my friend.Want proof? Excuse me while I spam a porn URL on your blog. I don’t mind the extra sales that the closet pervs will be buying. 🙂Nobody has claimed Christians don’t have a problem with porn. If you go to the xxxchurch.com blog and look around you’ll find studies they’ve published that show 40% of Pastors have admitted having a problem with it. If you have had anyone tell you they’re now perfect because they’ve become a Christian please allow me to apologize for them to you. Christians are some pretty screwed up people. We’ve got a lot of inner mess. The purpose of accepting Jesus’ love is simple: he paid the price for our sins so we don’t have to do so. That’s all the story really breaks down to, Aaron. Love. That’s it. Before Jesus, people made sacrifices to pay for their sins. If we were still doing things the old way, you’d have to “sacrifice” your best video camera and one of those new Canon SLR’s to atone for your sins, and that would be no fun because then you’d have to produce with your second best equipment. Now all you have to do is accept the sacrifice Jesus made for everyone. He died a horrible death because he wanted to become the sacrifice for every person who chose to believe in him from that day onward.Like I said, it’s all about love. God has always wanted to have a personal relationship with his kids, but so many have chosen not to believe or accept that.Funny thing is, he loves Aaron Matthews just as much as he loved Mother Theresa. Actually, he probably pays more attention to you than he did to her because his heart is breaking inside wishing he could become as close to you as he was to her. He’s sitting up there with a heavy heart of his own, wishing Aaron realized how much he wants to just hug him. “That’s my son down there, and I don’t have a relationship with him.” Man, it would kill me if Caden chose not to talk to me or come around. So, my friend, I have chosen not to keep other people from the best relationship they can possibly have with the one who created them. That’s one of the reasons I gave up porn production. The other reason is because I wanted to go get that hug from God myself.It will be a great day when you hug him too.

  25. To my very good friend AaronM,

    I am glad you’ve decided to post links to porn on my blog. As I’ve told you, I won’t put my beliefs off on you or “preach” to you without being asked. I feel your post is a way of asking. You’ve given me permission to hold nothing back. Thank you.

    You wrote:

    More people have killed themselves over the damage of poor stock investments than the damage that porn has done to their lives.

    War ruins people and your God loving president supports that.

    Since you still produce porn, this part I’m not going to write about too much, and I’ll tell you why: it is not up to me to judge you. I would never do that. It’s simply not my place. I will ask you to “think twins” and conversations we’ve had. Yeah, you know what I mean. I don’t really have to say anything here, because you and I have had similar experiences. There are a lot of things “more” or “less” evil than other things. Does that justify those “other things”?

    This is a fucked up society we live in.

    It is indeed, my friend.

    Want proof? Excuse me while I spam a porn URL on your blog. I don’t mind the extra sales that the closet pervs will be buying. 🙂

    Nobody has claimed Christians don’t have a problem with porn. If you go to the xxxchurch.com blog and look around you’ll find studies they’ve published that show 40% of Pastors have admitted having a problem with it.

    If you have had anyone tell you they’re now perfect because they’ve become a Christian please allow me to apologize for them to you. Christians are some pretty screwed up people. We’ve got a lot of inner mess. The purpose of accepting Jesus’ love is simple: he paid the price for our sins so we don’t have to do so.

    That’s all the story really breaks down to, Aaron. Love. That’s it. Before Jesus, people made sacrifices to pay for their sins. If we were still doing things the old way, you’d have to “sacrifice” your best video camera and one of those new Canon SLR’s to atone for your sins, and that would be no fun because then you’d have to produce with your second best equipment.

    Now all you have to do is accept the sacrifice Jesus made for everyone. He died a horrible death because he wanted to become the sacrifice for every person who chose to believe in him from that day onward.

    Like I said, it’s all about love. God has always wanted to have a personal relationship with his kids, but so many have chosen not to believe or accept that.

    Funny thing is, he loves Aaron Matthews just as much as he loved Mother Theresa. Actually, he probably pays more attention to you than he did to her because his heart is breaking inside wishing he could become as close to you as he was to her. He’s sitting up there with a heavy heart of his own, wishing Aaron realized how much he wants to just hug him. “That’s my son down there, and I don’t have a relationship with him.” Man, it would kill me if Caden chose not to talk to me or come around.

    So, my friend, I have chosen not to keep other people from the best relationship they can possibly have with the one who created them. That’s one of the reasons I gave up porn production. The other reason is because I wanted to go get that hug from God myself.

    It will be a great day when you hug him too.

  26. John,Give me a break.. She is working!We’ll call it like it is: Belinda made the choice to go down there based upon whether or not she was able to get a ticket to the Mansion Party. That was the deciding factor. Working came secondary. Believe me, it wasn’t about “working”. There’s nothing at all wrong with that. As for “feeling sorry for her”. I feel that way because she called depressed. It’s an empty feeling, John. When you, my, and the family all party together we don’t feel that. We’re all friends and we care about people. But Belinda and I have had many conversations even while I was still producing porn about how empty we felt after major industry parties. We have a great time with everyone, promises are made, people slap you on the back telling you what a great person they think you are… then when everyone is sober very few promises are kept and people really don’t give a crap about you. It’s easy to put a bandage on that wound and say, “Well it’s just business anyway”, but that doesn’t keep that inner emptiness away.I think the words “ruined lives” are a bit of an over dramatic description. Sure models called up crying, and yes, at the time they thought their lives were ruined. Just as they did when they were younger and their puppy died, but three weeks later things are back to normal.An adult signing a 6 page model release and choosing to pose in the nude is not the same as some child getting molested or some woman getting raped, it just isn’t that dramatic. When they get discovered by a family member or friend…. Embarrassed, YES. Upset, SURE!It does NOT “ruin their live”.Ah, my friend, allow me to point out that you are thinking short term. Many of these girls lives are forever changed. Their families will always think differently of them. Forever. When the girl is old and gray people will still be whispering behind her back about the time she was involved with porn as a younger woman. Some models have lost careers over it. A certain redhead on my website being the latest (which happened just 2 months ago). What you may not realize is that many degreed people receive jobs with companies that require them to sign a morality clause. Personally appearing in pornographic productions violates that clause and results in a lost job.One model we photographed had always dreamed of being a cop. She was in the police academy when called in to a supervisors office and confronted with the work she’d done for me. They kicked her out. She can never ever ever be a cop because she posed for me. The examples go on and on. If you don’t think that’s ruining lives the two of us need to talk a bit more because I’d be curious to know what it would take, in your mind, to ruin a life.

  27. John,

    Give me a break.. She is working!

    We’ll call it like it is: Belinda made the choice to go down there based upon whether or not she was able to get a ticket to the Mansion Party. That was the deciding factor. Working came secondary. Believe me, it wasn’t about “working”. There’s nothing at all wrong with that.

    As for “feeling sorry for her”. I feel that way because she called depressed. It’s an empty feeling, John. When you, my, and the family all party together we don’t feel that. We’re all friends and we care about people. But Belinda and I have had many conversations even while I was still producing porn about how empty we felt after major industry parties. We have a great time with everyone, promises are made, people slap you on the back telling you what a great person they think you are… then when everyone is sober very few promises are kept and people really don’t give a crap about you. It’s easy to put a bandage on that wound and say, “Well it’s just business anyway”, but that doesn’t keep that inner emptiness away.

    I think the words “ruined lives” are a bit of an over dramatic description. Sure models called up crying, and yes, at the time they thought their lives were ruined. Just as they did when they were younger and their puppy died, but three weeks later things are back to normal.
    An adult signing a 6 page model release and choosing to pose in the nude is not the same as some child getting molested or some woman getting raped, it just isn’t that dramatic. When they get discovered by a family member or friend…. Embarrassed, YES. Upset, SURE!
    It does NOT “ruin their live”.

    Ah, my friend, allow me to point out that you are thinking short term.

    Many of these girls lives are forever changed. Their families will always think differently of them. Forever. When the girl is old and gray people will still be whispering behind her back about the time she was involved with porn as a younger woman.

    Some models have lost careers over it. A certain redhead on my website being the latest (which happened just 2 months ago). What you may not realize is that many degreed people receive jobs with companies that require them to sign a morality clause. Personally appearing in pornographic productions violates that clause and results in a lost job.

    One model we photographed had always dreamed of being a cop. She was in the police academy when called in to a supervisors office and confronted with the work she’d done for me. They kicked her out. She can never ever ever be a cop because she posed for me.

    The examples go on and on. If you don’t think that’s ruining lives the two of us need to talk a bit more because I’d be curious to know what it would take, in your mind, to ruin a life.

  28. Donny, I’m a Christian also. I wanted to tell you to NOT WORRY ABOUT MONEY.God will take care of you. There is a book that will help you. It’s about George Muller. You gotta get it, you will be ASTOUNED!!! Here’s the link:http://www.amazon.com/George-Muller-Man-Faith-Heroes/dp/1577481771/sr=8-17/qid=1163435430/ref=sr_1_17/002-8524196-4236027?ie=UTF8&s=books

  29. Donny, I’m a Christian also. I wanted to tell you to NOT WORRY ABOUT MONEY.God will take care of you. There is a book that will help you. It’s about George Muller. You gotta get it, you will be ASTOUNED!!! Here’s the link:http://www.amazon.com/George-Muller-Man-Faith-Heroes/dp/1577481771/sr=8-17/qid=1163435430/ref=sr_1_17/002-8524196-4236027?ie=UTF8&s=books

  30. Donny, I’m a Christian also. I wanted to tell you to NOT WORRY ABOUT MONEY.
    God will take care of you. There is a book that will help you. It’s about George Muller. You gotta get it, you will be ASTOUNED!!! Here’s the link:
    http://www.amazon.com
    /George-Muller-Man-Faith-Heroes
    /dp/1577481771/sr=8-17
    /qid=1163435430/ref=sr_1_17
    /002-8524196-4236027?ie=UTF8&s=books

  31. Donny, I’m a Christian also. I wanted to tell you to NOT WORRY ABOUT MONEY.
    God will take care of you. There is a book that will help you. It’s about George Muller. You gotta get it, you will be ASTOUNED!!! Here’s the link:
    http://www.amazon.com
    /George-Muller-Man-Faith-Heroes
    /dp/1577481771/sr=8-17
    /qid=1163435430/ref=sr_1_17
    /002-8524196-4236027?ie=UTF8&s=books

  32. Donny, I’m a Christian also. I wanted to tell you to NOT WORRY ABOUT MONEY.God will take care of you. There is a book that will help you. It’s about George Muller. You gotta get it, you will be ASTOUNED!!! Here’s the link:http://www.amazon.com/George-Muller-Man-Faith-Heroes/dp/1577481771/sr=8-17/qid=1163435430/ref=sr_1_17/002-8524196-4236027?ie=UTF8&s=books

  33. Donny, I’m a Christian also. I wanted to tell you to NOT WORRY ABOUT MONEY.
    God will take care of you. There is a book that will help you. It’s about George Muller. You gotta get it, you will be ASTOUNED!!! Here’s the link:
    http://www.amazon.com
    /George-Muller-Man-Faith-Heroes
    /dp/1577481771/sr=8-17
    /qid=1163435430/ref=sr_1_17
    /002-8524196-4236027?ie=UTF8&s=books

  34. Sorry for the extra posts.After I posted the page would tell me there’s an error. So I tried the last two as anonymous.Thanks,Texastig

  35. Sorry for the extra posts.
    After I posted the page would tell me there’s an error. So I tried the last two as anonymous.
    Thanks,
    Texastig

  36. Donny,There is a good article in the November/December issue of “Christian Music Planet” that deals with the fact that pornography is a problem within the church. The article details the work that Pillar frontman, Rob Beckley, is doing with XXXChurch.- David

  37. Donny,

    There is a good article in the November/December issue of “Christian Music Planet” that deals with the fact that pornography is a problem within the church. The article details the work that Pillar frontman, Rob Beckley, is doing with XXXChurch.

    – David

  38. I think you’re not alone when you’re struggling with finances and bill collectors; a lot of us do. It’s great to see that you won’t return to the old job even if it’s easy money cuz it sounds like you want to make a good, honest living that is pleasing to God. I pray that there will people who can help you budget and plan things out. Godspeed, bro.

  39. I think you’re not alone when you’re struggling with finances and bill collectors; a lot of us do. It’s great to see that you won’t return to the old job even if it’s easy money cuz it sounds like you want to make a good, honest living that is pleasing to God. I pray that there will people who can help you budget and plan things out. Godspeed, bro.

  40. Donny, I just wanted to write you a note of praise and encouragement. I’m praying for you and so are a lot of people. I thank God for people like you and others that I know. God is so amazing and wonderful. It really brings tears to my eyes reading what you’re going through. Thank you God for the power that you have over men and women.- Tony in San Diego

  41. Donny,
    I just wanted to write you a note of praise and encouragement. I’m praying for you and so are a lot of people. I thank God for people like you and others that I know. God is so amazing and wonderful. It really brings tears to my eyes reading what you’re going through. Thank you God for the power that you have over men and women.

    – Tony in San Diego

  42. Donny, you’re awesome. I’ve always admired you because you’re not ashamed to just be you. You’re genuine.

  43. Donny, you’re awesome. I’ve always admired you because you’re not ashamed to just be you. You’re genuine.

  44. Hey man, just wanted to give you some encouragement. It’s not easy to fight the good battle, but victory is waiting. Like I’m sure you’ve heard many times before, just keep showing the love of Christ and His face will shine through you.God Bless

  45. Hey man, just wanted to give you some encouragement. It’s not easy to fight the good battle, but victory is waiting. Like I’m sure you’ve heard many times before, just keep showing the love of Christ and His face will shine through you.

    God Bless

  46. -Donny-Reading your blogs about Belinda is heartbreaking. Are guys still engaged? Or is the engagment on hold now that you’ve turned back to God? Or is it no more ever since that day you prayed?I can’t imagine losing someone that was once so close to you. And what is seperating you is God and the porn industry. You have turned from it and Belinda is still in it. I can’t imagine that. My heart cries out for you.We must remember that the sun rises in the morning. The darkness is this financial state that you are currently in. The sun will rise and I doubt that you don’t know that.Danhttp://www.myspace.com/dansface

  47. -Donny-

    Reading your blogs about Belinda is heartbreaking. Are guys still engaged? Or is the engagment on hold now that you’ve turned back to God? Or is it no more ever since that day you prayed?

    I can’t imagine losing someone that was once so close to you. And what is seperating you is God and the porn industry. You have turned from it and Belinda is still in it. I can’t imagine that. My heart cries out for you.

    We must remember that the sun rises in the morning. The darkness is this financial state that you are currently in. The sun will rise and I doubt that you don’t know that.

    Dan
    http://www.myspace.com/dansface

  48. Dan,Belinda and I are no longer engaged. It’s very painful and I deal with it by just pushing it out of my mind.

  49. Dan,

    Belinda and I are no longer engaged. It’s very painful and I deal with it by just pushing it out of my mind.

  50. If Belinda doesn’t want to marry you anymore you have yourself to blame. If ANYONE spoke to me the way you do her I wouldn’t even give them the pleasure of hearing me answer the phone, much less talk in person. The sad part is I believe in God and I am very open minded but you immediately turned from a porn producer that tried to manipulate people into doing what you wanted into a Jesus freak that tries to manipulate people into doing what you want, as subtle as your attempts may be.You also mentioned that a woman who wanted to be a police officer had her life ruined because of you. If you can make the jump that slinging porn for 9 years then saying praise Jesus is going to get you into heaven is it much more of a reach to think maybe she got fired for a reason? Maybe she would have ended up killed in the line of duty her first month in the streets and now she can go on to help thousands of people in another line of work. Maybe God wanted to save her life and get her fired, neither you or I are capable of knowing either way. Now I’m rambling but the entire point of posting is this. If I were friends with Belinda, or even if she was a stranger and asked my opinion out of the blue I would take her side based on what you’ve written here. I couldn’t stand to be around you for 2 minutes and since you say it’s a 180 degree turn from how you used to be I would imagine she is feeling the same way. Then on top of that she has to deal with you trying to hint guilt onto her for something she personally has chosen not to give up. Good luck to sorting your life out, if I were friends with you I might have already called to have you committed while being 99% sure you lost your damn mind.

  51. If Belinda doesn’t want to marry you anymore you have yourself to blame. If ANYONE spoke to me the way you do her I wouldn’t even give them the pleasure of hearing me answer the phone, much less talk in person. The sad part is I believe in God and I am very open minded but you immediately turned from a porn producer that tried to manipulate people into doing what you wanted into a Jesus freak that tries to manipulate people into doing what you want, as subtle as your attempts may be.

    You also mentioned that a woman who wanted to be a police officer had her life ruined because of you. If you can make the jump that slinging porn for 9 years then saying praise Jesus is going to get you into heaven is it much more of a reach to think maybe she got fired for a reason? Maybe she would have ended up killed in the line of duty her first month in the streets and now she can go on to help thousands of people in another line of work. Maybe God wanted to save her life and get her fired, neither you or I are capable of knowing either way.

    Now I’m rambling but the entire point of posting is this. If I were friends with Belinda, or even if she was a stranger and asked my opinion out of the blue I would take her side based on what you’ve written here. I couldn’t stand to be around you for 2 minutes and since you say it’s a 180 degree turn from how you used to be I would imagine she is feeling the same way. Then on top of that she has to deal with you trying to hint guilt onto her for something she personally has chosen not to give up.

    Good luck to sorting your life out, if I were friends with you I might have already called to have you committed while being 99% sure you lost your damn mind.

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