To be honest, I really dislike visiting someone’s blog and reading about the heartache and negativity going on in the life of the writer. Such blog entries aren’t very popular. For one thing, what can you say to a complete stranger when reading about deep emotional issues they’re facing? I know that when I try to think of something meaningful to say to someone I don’t know it always comes out superficial and basically meaningless. It’s almost impossible to feel truly sympathetic to a person you know only as an internet personality.
With that in mind, I haven’t written too terribly much about my own personal turmoils. It’s simply not good reading, nor is it a good way to start one’s day. It’s not very uplifting. That’s what I’m trying to tell ya. I realize that.
Tonight, however, I am going to break the unwritten rule I’ve made for myself about getting too negative. This blog is an outlet for me, and I’ve several times said writing in it is therapeutic. Tonight I’m going to take advantage of that therapy. If you don’t want to be bummed out, skip this entry and come back another day.
My constant readers, I am in a lot of pain. More than I like to let on to others. My eyes are leaking. What does one do when feeling like this?
Personally, I feel nobody really cares. I’m sure this is a normal sentiment. I do receive comfort praying, but we all know there are times when that just doesn’t feel like enough. Tonight is one of those times.
Although we’ve been “broken up” for several weeks now, tonight Belinda and I finally had the discussion on whether or not we will ever reunite or have a future together. We’ve come to the conclusion that neither of us think that is possible. We haven’t really wanted to accept it, but it appears our relationship has come to a place where we’re facing more than “taking a break” from each other.
Until today, I’ve heard things like “I really want to be in business for myself” and “I really don’t see myself as ever being religious” and on and on. I know she’s not stuck on producing pornography, and simply continues to do so because it’s already there for her. In fact, I’ve started a new business and could really use her help and photographic talent, so if being in business for herself were really the issue that would be an objection that is easily overcome by becoming a partner with me in this new venture.
Differences in religious beliefs really wouldn’t cause a woman that is still in love with me to want to leave, and Belinda is not the type of person to purposely try to cause intense pain, so I knew her objections were just a way of saying the spark is gone forever. Perhaps this is caused by my becoming a different person, which is something she says she doesn’t like at all, but the truth of the matter simply boils down to this: we’re done forever and we have to move on.
Almost six years together: over.
We talk about how we’ll continue to be friends forever, but this too is typical banter between people trying to amicably part ways. Without children to hold us together it is more likely that we’ll slowly drift apart more and more as time goes on. Or one of us will begin seeing someone else and, because of respect for that new person or jealousies from that new person, communication will cease between us.
This reality saddens me. Belinda and I were great together. We rarely disagreed. We always got past our issues quickly. We laughed and loved and created great memories.
It’s only human to be heartbroken at such a loss.