Donny's Ramblings

Heartache and Negativity

42 Comments

To be honest, I really dislike visiting someone’s blog and reading about the heartache and negativity going on in the life of the writer. Such blog entries aren’t very popular. For one thing, what can you say to a complete stranger when reading about deep emotional issues they’re facing? I know that when I try to think of something meaningful to say to someone I don’t know it always comes out superficial and basically meaningless. It’s almost impossible to feel truly sympathetic to a person you know only as an internet personality.

With that in mind, I haven’t written too terribly much about my own personal turmoils. It’s simply not good reading, nor is it a good way to start one’s day. It’s not very uplifting. That’s what I’m trying to tell ya. I realize that.

Tonight, however, I am going to break the unwritten rule I’ve made for myself about getting too negative. This blog is an outlet for me, and I’ve several times said writing in it is therapeutic. Tonight I’m going to take advantage of that therapy. If you don’t want to be bummed out, skip this entry and come back another day.

Still here?

My constant readers, I am in a lot of pain. More than I like to let on to others. My eyes are leaking. What does one do when feeling like this?

Personally, I feel nobody really cares. I’m sure this is a normal sentiment. I do receive comfort praying, but we all know there are times when that just doesn’t feel like enough. Tonight is one of those times.

Although we’ve been “broken up” for several weeks now, tonight Belinda and I finally had the discussion on whether or not we will ever reunite or have a future together. We’ve come to the conclusion that neither of us think that is possible. We haven’t really wanted to accept it, but it appears our relationship has come to a place where we’re facing more than “taking a break” from each other.

Until today, I’ve heard things like “I really want to be in business for myself” and “I really don’t see myself as ever being religious” and on and on. I know she’s not stuck on producing pornography, and simply continues to do so because it’s already there for her. In fact, I’ve started a new business and could really use her help and photographic talent, so if being in business for herself were really the issue that would be an objection that is easily overcome by becoming a partner with me in this new venture.

Differences in religious beliefs really wouldn’t cause a woman that is still in love with me to want to leave, and Belinda is not the type of person to purposely try to cause intense pain, so I knew her objections were just a way of saying the spark is gone forever. Perhaps this is caused by my becoming a different person, which is something she says she doesn’t like at all, but the truth of the matter simply boils down to this: we’re done forever and we have to move on.

Almost six years together: over.

We talk about how we’ll continue to be friends forever, but this too is typical banter between people trying to amicably part ways. Without children to hold us together it is more likely that we’ll slowly drift apart more and more as time goes on. Or one of us will begin seeing someone else and, because of respect for that new person or jealousies from that new person, communication will cease between us.

This reality saddens me. Belinda and I were great together. We rarely disagreed. We always got past our issues quickly. We laughed and loved and created great memories.

It’s only human to be heartbroken at such a loss.

Right?

42 thoughts on “Heartache and Negativity

  1. Donny,You’re exactly right.I’m not sure what to say or that I should say anything at all. It would seem anything said would simply be the normal verbiage offered in such times. So, get your son and go eat a happy meal. It will get easier, I promise.Praying for you…

  2. Donny,

    You’re exactly right.

    I’m not sure what to say or that I should say anything at all. It would seem anything said would simply be the normal verbiage offered in such times. So, get your son and go eat a happy meal. It will get easier, I promise.

    Praying for you…

  3. Thanks Shannon.By the way, I’m in the middle of reading Velvet Elvis right now. It’s definitely a good book.

  4. Thanks Shannon.

    By the way, I’m in the middle of reading Velvet Elvis right now. It’s definitely a good book.

  5. Donny,Like Shannon, I feel that there’s probably nothing I can say that won’t come off as corny. The heart will heal…it takes time, but it will heal. We’ll be praying for ya.

  6. Donny,
    Like Shannon, I feel that there’s probably nothing I can say that won’t come off as corny. The heart will heal…it takes time, but it will heal. We’ll be praying for ya.

  7. Hi Donny,You’re right…splitting with someone is definitely one of the hardest things to go through. Several years ago (before I had even met my current wife), my girlfriend (of and on for 7 years)and I broke up. I turned very hard and calloused towards everyone and everything. Walls went up like mad around me, and it was a very hard time. I was a worship leader, I was following Christ, yet it was still extremely difficult. So I’ll be praying with you through this.Jake

  8. Hi Donny,

    You’re right…splitting with someone is definitely one of the hardest things to go through. Several years ago (before I had even met my current wife), my girlfriend (of and on for 7 years)and I broke up. I turned very hard and calloused towards everyone and everything. Walls went up like mad around me, and it was a very hard time. I was a worship leader, I was following Christ, yet it was still extremely difficult. So I’ll be praying with you through this.

    Jake

  9. Donny:I don’t really know what else to say except that really sucks ass. Everything you’ve written about Belinda indicates she is a remarkable woman and that you two were remarkable together.I was an atheist when I met my wife. She was a Christian. We dated like this. We were engaged like this. We got married like this. While I don’t recommend this scenario to others without serious contemplation… it is not impossible.I believe that any two people with /unconditional love/ for each other will find happiness together as husband and wife regardless of religious orientation. I say this to indicate I agree with your assessment that the spark must be gone for her. I’m really saddened that your relationship is here. I had hoped that you two would be able to grow closer in spite of this radical change in your life. I’ll pray for you both, brother.peace|dewde

  10. Donny:

    I don’t really know what else to say except that really sucks ass. Everything you’ve written about Belinda indicates she is a remarkable woman and that you two were remarkable together.

    I was an atheist when I met my wife. She was a Christian. We dated like this. We were engaged like this. We got married like this. While I don’t recommend this scenario to others without serious contemplation… it is not impossible.

    I believe that any two people with /unconditional love/ for each other will find happiness together as husband and wife regardless of religious orientation.

    I say this to indicate I agree with your assessment that the spark must be gone for her.

    I’m really saddened that your relationship is here. I had hoped that you two would be able to grow closer in spite of this radical change in your life.

    I’ll pray for you both, brother.

    peace|dewde

  11. Donny,I’m so sorry for your heartache. Nothing that any of us can say will make you feel better. Just know that you have brothers and sisters in Christ whose hearts ache right alongside yours. There are prayers being lifted that your heartache is lifted and that peace will flood your soul.

  12. Donny,

    I’m so sorry for your heartache. Nothing that any of us can say will make you feel better. Just know that you have brothers and sisters in Christ whose hearts ache right alongside yours. There are prayers being lifted that your heartache is lifted and that peace will flood your soul.

  13. Does she read this blog? Just be careful with what you say when you’re feeling all emotional and stuff. Take care.

  14. Does she read this blog? Just be careful with what you say when you’re feeling all emotional and stuff. Take care.

  15. Donny, I love you brother. Read 2 Corinthians 6:14. You’re doing the right thing. Also, 2 Corinthians 7:10, and Hebrews 12:7 & 12:11 (though I would recommend reading all of Hebrews 12). These are some verses that really encouraged me when God called me to cut off a relationship I had for two years (and she was a follower of Christ!). I know your pain. It will take time. Love you brother.

  16. Donny, I love you brother. Read 2 Corinthians 6:14. You’re doing the right thing. Also, 2 Corinthians 7:10, and Hebrews 12:7 & 12:11 (though I would recommend reading all of Hebrews 12). These are some verses that really encouraged me when God called me to cut off a relationship I had for two years (and she was a follower of Christ!). I know your pain. It will take time. Love you brother.

  17. Donny – I wish I had words that would help “fix it” but I don’t. But as much as I feel you have a lot of maturing to do, you are a tremendous example of what it means to “take up your cross” – you’ve given up so much, much more than most of us have. Hang in there – God is humbling you and molding you for something. He is going to bless your obedience. I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel from time to time.

  18. Donny – I wish I had words that would help “fix it” but I don’t. But as much as I feel you have a lot of maturing to do, you are a tremendous example of what it means to “take up your cross” – you’ve given up so much, much more than most of us have. Hang in there – God is humbling you and molding you for something. He is going to bless your obedience. I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel from time to time.

  19. Donny,I love you friend.I’m so sorry you’re hurting. While I know there’s nothing I can say or do that will ease the pain, I will pray. God be with you. And should you need anything, let me know.Ron

  20. Donny,

    I love you friend.

    I’m so sorry you’re hurting. While I know there’s nothing I can say or do that will ease the pain, I will pray.

    God be with you. And should you need anything, let me know.

    Ron

  21. I really feel for you, Donny. There are few things more painful than the demise of an intimate relationship, no matter the cause. I wholeheartedly support you leaving pornography and embracing your spirituality–I myself left the adult industry and embraced my true values (tho I am not a Christian). There are bound to be some heavy losses when things like this happen–there will also be some immense gains, which I suspect have yet to fully reveal themselves.I can’t attest to what’s in Belinda’s heart, but this change in your life, no matter how positively you view it, was a major curveball for her, I am sure. It is certainly your right, but I can see how this might be a dealbreaker. Your values just sound really incompatible right now. She is also very young and at a different stage in her life. I wish health, happiness, and love for both of you.

  22. I really feel for you, Donny. There are few things more painful than the demise of an intimate relationship, no matter the cause.

    I wholeheartedly support you leaving pornography and embracing your spirituality–I myself left the adult industry and embraced my true values (tho I am not a Christian). There are bound to be some heavy losses when things like this happen–there will also be some immense gains, which I suspect have yet to fully reveal themselves.

    I can’t attest to what’s in Belinda’s heart, but this change in your life, no matter how positively you view it, was a major curveball for her, I am sure. It is certainly your right, but I can see how this might be a dealbreaker. Your values just sound really incompatible right now. She is also very young and at a different stage in her life.

    I wish health, happiness, and love for both of you.

  23. Wow Donny, just wow. I had no idea this was the group you are hanging out with. 😦http://onegoodmove.org/1gm/1gmarchive/2006/12/freak_show.html

  24. Wow Donny, just wow. I had no idea this was the group you are hanging out with. 😦

    http://onegoodmove.org/1gm/1gmarchive/2006/12/freak_show.html

  25. I’ll be straight-foward with you although it’s gonna be hard for you to hear this. I strongly feel that someone has to say this:I think this is ultimately one of the consequences for your own actions. You decided to reject God at some point in your life and get into a relationship that wasn’t even meant to be there in the first place. You were supposed to give all your heart to your ex-wife when you pledged to her in your wedding. Instead, you committed adultery in a form of producing pornography behind her back, and you eventually gave your heart to Belinda, who really weren’t supposed to be in your life in the first place if you’ve stuck with your original pledge to your ex-wife. Although I sympathize with you for the pain you are going through, you ultimately brought all this upon yourself by choosing to reject God like you did. God’s forgiveness, mercy and Love doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for your own actions, and I think this heartache is one of them. I would also like to point out that you are focusing on yourself and not other important people. Have you thought of the heartache your ex-wife has gone through when she found out that you were producing porn behind her back? Have you thought of the heartache your son might have in living with the fact that, no matter how much his daddy loves him, he still has to live with the reality that his parents are forever separated and he might never have a family with happily married parents living under the same roof?

  26. I’ll be straight-foward with you although it’s gonna be hard for you to hear this. I strongly feel that someone has to say this:

    I think this is ultimately one of the consequences for your own actions. You decided to reject God at some point in your life and get into a relationship that wasn’t even meant to be there in the first place. You were supposed to give all your heart to your ex-wife when you pledged to her in your wedding. Instead, you committed adultery in a form of producing pornography behind her back, and you eventually gave your heart to Belinda, who really weren’t supposed to be in your life in the first place if you’ve stuck with your original pledge to your ex-wife. Although I sympathize with you for the pain you are going through, you ultimately brought all this upon yourself by choosing to reject God like you did. God’s forgiveness, mercy and Love doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for your own actions, and I think this heartache is one of them.

    I would also like to point out that you are focusing on yourself and not other important people. Have you thought of the heartache your ex-wife has gone through when she found out that you were producing porn behind her back? Have you thought of the heartache your son might have in living with the fact that, no matter how much his daddy loves him, he still has to live with the reality that his parents are forever separated and he might never have a family with happily married parents living under the same roof?

  27. > Anonymous said…>> I’ll be straight-foward with you >although it’s gonna be hard for you >to hear this. I strongly feel that >someone has to say this:Other people have said similar things, Donny just deletes their posts, yours will probably be deleted too. Donny doesnt want to face the fact he is irresponsible, and he is just using his “belief” in God as just another excuse to continue not to face up to the real world responsibilities he has, as he lets God provide. Believing in God is a great thing, just don’t use it as an excuse to not work hard and deal with your responsibilites. Oh well this will be another deleted post, but what the hey.

  28. > Anonymous said…
    >
    > I’ll be straight-foward with you >although it’s gonna be hard for you >to hear this. I strongly feel that >someone has to say this:

    Other people have said similar things, Donny just deletes their posts, yours will probably be deleted too. Donny doesnt want to face the fact he is irresponsible, and he is just using his “belief” in God as just another excuse to continue not to face up to the real world responsibilities he has, as he lets God provide.

    Believing in God is a great thing, just don’t use it as an excuse to not work hard and deal with your responsibilites. Oh well this will be another deleted post, but what the hey.

  29. What can you expect when you start believing in some fantasyland being and have them start dictating your life. I use to be a christian too when I was young, don’t act like many of us don’t “GET IT”. Yeah we get it, we just grew up and started taking responsibility for our own lives. If you didn’t like the porn biz great man, glad you are out of it. All the problems you are facing today are due to you being unable to grow up and be a man. Look at your finances, you were making all that money and you didn’t save a dime? Less than 6 months after making tons of money all your things are being reposed, (they are just things you will say) but how many months child support you have saved up? What about college savings for your son?You believe God will provide, you are using God is just another cop out to having to be a responsible parent. You being in it for the easy money, is just another symptom of your problem, ez money no hard work.The problem wasnt porn but your inability to face growning up. You always want the easy way out. Now instead of porn you expect God to do all the work for you.The saddest thing is you use God as an excuse that you dont need to get a realistic plan for your finances and responsibilities, then act holier than thou, about it. Trust me God doesn’t want people to be lazy and expect God to provide.You wonder why she left you. I guarantee it is not about porn. It is about you not being a man. You had the extreme luck to find someone willing to try you out for a job, but you have not taken that job seriously, playing with the hours and asking your boss to give you time to devote to some other flash in the plan get rich quick idea. Next we can all see it coming will be the big failure, you’ll lose the job, won’t have money for your kid, etc. Of course you will use the excise Christians must suffer or something or God is testing you. Dude grow up, if not for yourself then for your kid. There is nothing wrong with believing in God, but reading this blog its clear its just another excuse for you to find another crutch. You need to start facing up to your responsibilities in life and put your kid #1, not yourself. You may not realize it but your religious awakening, and soon to be “persecution and trial” are very very much a selfish act. Quit focusing on your whims and start focusing on your kids need for a stable, dependable father. Sorry to be so blunt, but you need it. I have been very much like you in the past, and am honestly trying to be helpful to you because I know you don’t see what you are really doing.

  30. What can you expect when you start believing in some fantasyland being and have them start dictating your life. I use to be a christian too when I was young, don’t act like many of us don’t “GET IT”.

    Yeah we get it, we just grew up and started taking responsibility for our own lives. If you didn’t like the porn biz great man, glad you are out of it. All the problems you are facing today are due to you being unable to grow up and be a man. Look at your finances, you were making all that money and you didn’t save a dime? Less than 6 months after making tons of money all your things are being reposed, (they are just things you will say) but how many months child support you have saved up? What about college savings for your son?

    You believe God will provide, you are using God is just another cop out to having to be a responsible parent. You being in it for the easy money, is just another symptom of your problem, ez money no hard work.

    The problem wasnt porn but your inability to face growning up. You always want the easy way out. Now instead of porn you expect God to do all the work for you.

    The saddest thing is you use God as an excuse that you dont need to get a realistic plan for your finances and responsibilities, then act holier than thou, about it. Trust me God doesn’t want people to be lazy and expect God to provide.

    You wonder why she left you. I guarantee it is not about porn. It is about you not being a man. You had the extreme luck to find someone willing to try you out for a job, but you have not taken that job seriously, playing with the hours and asking your boss to give you time to devote to some other flash in the plan get rich quick idea.

    Next we can all see it coming will be the big failure, you’ll lose the job, won’t have money for your kid, etc. Of course you will use the excise Christians must suffer or something or God is testing you. Dude grow up, if not for yourself then for your kid.

    There is nothing wrong with believing in God, but reading this blog its clear its just another excuse for you to find another crutch. You need to start facing up to your responsibilities in life and put your kid #1, not yourself. You may not realize it but your religious awakening, and soon to be “persecution and trial” are very very much a selfish act. Quit focusing on your whims and start focusing on your kids need for a stable, dependable father.

    Sorry to be so blunt, but you need it. I have been very much like you in the past, and am honestly trying to be helpful to you because I know you don’t see what you are really doing.

  31. Other people have said similar things, Donny just deletes their posts, yours will probably be deleted too. I’ve deleted are comments with links to porn and those which said things about other people that are too personal for their tastes. I have very little to hide, but some of the people in my life don’t want their personal lives discussed in public. Rational posts, even if they are negative towards me, are left. Comments with no intent other than being an ass and rambling idiotically are sometimes deleted.Donny doesnt want to face the fact he is irresponsible, and he is just using his “belief” in God as just another excuse to continue not to face up to the real world responsibilities he has, as he lets God provide.I left porn. I started a new business that is growing quickly. I’m definitely not just sitting back waiting for money to fall from the sky.


  32. Other people have said similar things, Donny just deletes their posts, yours will probably be deleted too.

    I’ve deleted are comments with links to porn and those which said things about other people that are too personal for their tastes. I have very little to hide, but some of the people in my life don’t want their personal lives discussed in public.

    Rational posts, even if they are negative towards me, are left. Comments with no intent other than being an ass and rambling idiotically are sometimes deleted.

    Donny doesnt want to face the fact he is irresponsible, and he is just using his “belief” in God as just another excuse to continue not to face up to the real world responsibilities he has, as he lets God provide.

    I left porn. I started a new business that is growing quickly. I’m definitely not just sitting back waiting for money to fall from the sky.

  33. Donny-I don’t know you personally, but I know you’ve got every right and reason to be heartbroken and sad at the dissolving of a relationship. It’s normal and it’s ok to feel what you feel. I also know from what I’ve read that you’re on the right path. And sometimes that’s just hard. I know you’ve got a lot to celebrate this Christmas too, maybe more than ever before. Keep doing what you’re doing, and don’t let anybody try to guilt you or make you feel bad about your past. Anybody who does so does not get the concept of grace. It is never too late to turn around, and you’ve done so. Have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful 2007 with a truly fresh start. k.p.s. Glad to hear you’re reading Velvet Elvis. Great book.

  34. Donny-

    I don’t know you personally, but I know you’ve got every right and reason to be heartbroken and sad at the dissolving of a relationship. It’s normal and it’s ok to feel what you feel.

    I also know from what I’ve read that you’re on the right path. And sometimes that’s just hard. I know you’ve got a lot to celebrate this Christmas too, maybe more than ever before.

    Keep doing what you’re doing, and don’t let anybody try to guilt you or make you feel bad about your past. Anybody who does so does not get the concept of grace. It is never too late to turn around, and you’ve done so.

    Have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful 2007 with a truly fresh start.

    k.

    p.s. Glad to hear you’re reading Velvet Elvis. Great book.

  35. Dang. I thought Christian’s were supposed to own the market on self-righteous, holier-than-thou, pious, judgemental, pretentious finger-pointing, masked under the vale of concern for the object being judged.Christian’s could learn a thing or two about a thing or two from some of these kids. They are artisans in their craft.CHRISTIANS UNITE! WE MUST TAKE BACK OUR ROYAL CROWN OF INDIGNATION AND CONTEMPT FOR OTHERS! IT HAS BEEN STOLEN AWAY!(dag nabbit who was guarding our crown? this is a catastrophe)peace|dewde

  36. Dang.

    I thought Christian’s were supposed to own the market on self-righteous, holier-than-thou, pious, judgemental, pretentious finger-pointing, masked under the vale of concern for the object being judged.

    Christian’s could learn a thing or two about a thing or two from some of these kids. They are artisans in their craft.

    CHRISTIANS UNITE! WE MUST TAKE BACK OUR ROYAL CROWN OF INDIGNATION AND CONTEMPT FOR OTHERS! IT HAS BEEN STOLEN AWAY!

    (dag nabbit who was guarding our crown? this is a catastrophe)

    peace|dewde

  37. i have a blog. i let people post anonymously. i just find it so cowardice that negative comments are left anonymously. my tendancy is to give no credit or value to anonymous comments. if there was value or credit, don’t you think the person would own up to it?donny, i loved velvit elvis.

  38. i have a blog. i let people post anonymously. i just find it so cowardice that negative comments are left anonymously. my tendancy is to give no credit or value to anonymous comments. if there was value or credit, don’t you think the person would own up to it?

    donny, i loved velvit elvis.

  39. Donny, I am truly sorry that your relationship is coming to a bitter end. I will continue to pray for you and her. You to stay strong in your walk and for Belinda to find her way to the narrow path.You are doing awesome whether you think so or not. I hear Craig and JR talk about you and give so much love to you.There are so many people who want to see you succeed, please don’t let the nay sayers get you down.We are all praying for you, man….take care and I hope your Christmas was fun with your boy.God Bless!West

  40. Donny, I am truly sorry that your relationship is coming to a bitter end. I will continue to pray for you and her. You to stay strong in your walk and for Belinda to find her way to the narrow path.

    You are doing awesome whether you think so or not. I hear Craig and JR talk about you and give so much love to you.

    There are so many people who want to see you succeed, please don’t let the nay sayers get you down.

    We are all praying for you, man….take care and I hope your Christmas was fun with your boy.

    God Bless!

    West

  41. Dear Donny,Certainly can’t promise you anything here, but I will say, that right now, while Belinda is not in Christ, there is still a whole other book that could be written, should she one day be…but that’s for God to write. You may not be able to rekindle the flame in her heart, but then again, once God’s love is born in her heart, He is indeed a consuming fire, and love in Christ can reborn love. I won’t promise you anything, and certainly your following of Christ, and anything you do shouldn’t be to manuever things in your direction, but I wouldn’t say the story’s over yet. In humans terms yes, but in eternity, you never know. If God can change the hearts of kings, as mentioned in scripture, then changing the heart of a queen is surely possible. But first, He wants to take this king, this prince in Him, and change his heart and make it more like His. I won’t promise you anything, but I do offer you Christ as your potter and healer, as He makes you a vessel unto honor. Like your other friends, I don’t want to say anything trite, corney or useless, but times are in God’s hand and His purposes will prevail.God bless you brother.Daniel Mendez

  42. Dear Donny,
    Certainly can’t promise you anything here, but I will say, that right now, while Belinda is not in Christ, there is still a whole other book that could be written, should she one day be…but that’s for God to write. You may not be able to rekindle the flame in her heart, but then again, once God’s love is born in her heart, He is indeed a consuming fire, and love in Christ can reborn love. I won’t promise you anything, and certainly your following of Christ, and anything you do shouldn’t be to manuever things in your direction, but I wouldn’t say the story’s over yet. In humans terms yes, but in eternity, you never know. If God can change the hearts of kings, as mentioned in scripture, then changing the heart of a queen is surely possible. But first, He wants to take this king, this prince in Him, and change his heart and make it more like His. I won’t promise you anything, but I do offer you Christ as your potter and healer, as He makes you a vessel unto honor. Like your other friends, I don’t want to say anything trite, corney or useless, but times are in God’s hand and His purposes will prevail.
    God bless you brother.
    Daniel Mendez

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