Donny's Ramblings

Meltdown: Crash and Burn

47 Comments

Last Friday night:

I’m leaving my best friend John’s house. In just a few hours it will be my birthday. John has given me good advice about the situation at hand.

“Why did she pick this day of all days, John?”

“Go home and forget about it. Just go to sleep or something. Forget it. What good will it do you to keep thinking about it?”

But my feelings are hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel unimportant. I feel rage, but the rage is now being fueled by vodka and orange juice as I sit alone in my house. The stop at Raley’s Supermarket to purchase this beverage, a beverage that was intended to put me to sleep, turns out not to be such a good idea.

I drink into the wee hours of Saturday morning.
I crash and burn.
I melt down.
In public.

———-

The meltdown was witnessed in one of the last places where it should have happened: an adult webmaster forum where pornographers from all over the world converse with each other online. Thousands of them, all of whom knew Donny had become a Christian.

Except, now they’re seeing Donny act very unlike a follower of Christ. Donny is getting into arguments with some. Tearing down others.

Tearing down Belinda.
In public.

Complete failure.
In public.

———-

Belinda and I played a sex game for 10 months that ended in February of this year, 7 months before I surrendered my life to God. Perhaps someday I’ll share with everyone what I learned about stupidity, pride, ego and relationships from that experience. But let’s suffice it to say that even now, despite spending months and months trying to deal with the wages of our sin, it still is allowed to influence the lives of all involved.

That game had a lot to do with this meltdown.
I’m still influenced by past sins that ended months ago.

I try to make myself feel better by pointing out that others played a big part in all of this.

“Yes, I did ___, but they did ___!”

That logic doesn’t stop my stomach from churning. Even today, almost a full week later, my stomach is still a mess. It grumbles loud enough for people to hear it 20 feet away. I am that disgusted by my actions.

Thousands of eyeballs in the adult entertainment industry are watching me. Many doubt my “conversion” is genuine. This sure didn’t help alleviate that doubt.

———-

Three weeks ago I met a counselor at a small group meeting. She’s also a published author and writes for a well known Christian magazine. I emailed her and asked if she’d be interested in writing about my “testimony” for the magazine. In response, she very bluntly let me know that I do not yet HAVE a testimony… that I am just another sinner who asked to be rescued from a sinful life. She put me in my place. She made me think. She made me realize that my ego is still enormous. Two days ago she saw me again and commented that I’ve noticeably changed.

This meltdown had a lot to do with that. I’ve realized I am not strong, like I thought I was. I realized I am not beyond my razor-sharp tongue. I am still a man who jumps at the chance to rip people apart for hurting my feelings.

Song lyrics are stuck in my head.

What’s going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior. This only serves to confirm my suspicions: that I’m still a man in need of a savior.

47 thoughts on “Meltdown: Crash and Burn

  1. Donny, We all “wanna be in the Light,” but being in the light means people watching you. Does being a Christian mean we are perfect? Heck no! Far from it. Living your life for Christ puts a big target on your back. People will watch you closer if they know that you are a Christian. I sometimes feel that non-believers secretly hope that we will stumble so that they can feel better about themselves. Don’t get to down on yourself. We all stumble and have bad days. The good thing about this situation is that you are aware of your actions and recognize what you are doing. There are thousands of Christians out there everyday that will spew vile and hateful things and not give it a second thought and think they are doing God’s work. Since you’re into quoting dc Talk, look at “What if I Stumble.” Powerful words. Know that we will all stumble. Just because you do doesn’t mean you’re a bad Christian. Funny, though, how God uses certain situations to humble us. Not “funny ha-ha”, but “funny – strange.” Take care man, and keep lookin’ up.

  2. Donny,Here’s an email I sent you a month ago after first finding your blog. It’s still true. Keep on going.I’ve been reading your blog this weekend. I’m amazed that a brand new Christian like you are has such deep insights into God’s character. It’s taken me 20 years as a Christ follower to get to some of the places you’re at. That’s the way Godworks, though.I’ve felt led to write you quick email about failure. You’re going to fail. You’re going to sin, old habits are going to reassert themselves. Life is going to get so tough sometimes that you revert to old ways of dealing with it. The friends and relationships from your past are goingto exert a pull to return to your old life. And sometimes you’re going to get so discouraged that you just give in to a temptation. It happens to me a lot more often than I care to admit. We don’t only have to contend with our own desires, other people and things in our environment. Wehave an enemy who is constantly working to undermine and tear us down so as to enslave us again.But here’s the good news, we didn’t earn God’s love in the first place. He has never loved us more or less than He does right now. And we candepend on that love when we fail. Look up Heb. 4:15 – 16.When we fail, we experience 2 kinds of guilt. The first is sharp, specific and sorrowful. This is from God and is His way of letting us know that our relationship is damaged. If we humble ourselves, come clean with God without rationalizing and ask His forgiveness, ourrelationship is restored and we move on in victory.The second kind of guilt is oppressive, vague and condemning. That’s from Satan and is meant to crush your spirit and make you feel like you aren’t good enough to receive anything from God.Again I encourage you to look up Heb. 4:15 – 16.So when you fail, take it to God, receive His forgiveness and move on.I look forward to reading more on your blog.

  3. Donny,
    We all “wanna be in the Light,” but being in the light means people watching you. Does being a Christian mean we are perfect? Heck no! Far from it. Living your life for Christ puts a big target on your back. People will watch you closer if they know that you are a Christian. I sometimes feel that non-believers secretly hope that we will stumble so that they can feel better about themselves. Don’t get to down on yourself. We all stumble and have bad days. The good thing about this situation is that you are aware of your actions and recognize what you are doing. There are thousands of Christians out there everyday that will spew vile and hateful things and not give it a second thought and think they are doing God’s work. Since you’re into quoting dc Talk, look at “What if I Stumble.” Powerful words. Know that we will all stumble. Just because you do doesn’t mean you’re a bad Christian. Funny, though, how God uses certain situations to humble us. Not “funny ha-ha”, but “funny – strange.” Take care man, and keep lookin’ up.

  4. Donny,

    Here’s an email I sent you a month ago after first finding your blog. It’s still true. Keep on going.

    I’ve been reading your blog this weekend. I’m amazed that a brand new Christian like you are has such deep insights into God’s character. It’s taken me 20 years as a Christ follower to get to some of the places you’re at. That’s the way God
    works, though.

    I’ve felt led to write you quick email about failure. You’re going to fail. You’re going to sin, old habits are going to reassert themselves.
    Life is going to get so tough sometimes that you revert to old ways of dealing with it. The friends and relationships from your past are going
    to exert a pull to return to your old life. And sometimes you’re going to get so discouraged that you just give in to a temptation. It happens to me a lot more often than I care to admit. We don’t only have to contend with our own desires, other people and things in our environment. We
    have an enemy who is constantly working to undermine and tear us down so as to enslave us again.

    But here’s the good news, we didn’t earn God’s love in the first place. He has never loved us more or less than He does right now. And we can
    depend on that love when we fail. Look up Heb. 4:15 – 16.

    When we fail, we experience 2 kinds of guilt. The first is sharp, specific and sorrowful. This is from God and is His way of letting us know that our relationship is damaged. If we humble ourselves, come clean with God without rationalizing and ask His forgiveness, our
    relationship is restored and we move on in victory.

    The second kind of guilt is oppressive, vague and condemning. That’s from Satan and is meant to crush your spirit and make you feel like you aren’t good enough to receive anything from God.
    Again I encourage you to look up Heb. 4:15 – 16.

    So when you fail, take it to God, receive His forgiveness and move on.

    I look forward to reading more on your blog.

  5. I FREAKING LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was 10 years a stand up Christian, blah, blah , blah and I picked up the booze again and completely ruined my life within 6 months. The suck part my wife suffered horribly through it and I let a whole bunch people down in my wake. I repented, blah, blah, blah… and guess what God forgave me… Heres the thing, get over it! move on… you paid a big price for what you did, Christ paid a bigger price so you could understand that. Just know thats what happens when you keep your mouth shut and launch out on our own….. I FREAKING LOVE YOU!!!!!!! now, don’t be a jackass and call when your blue!!!!!!! J.R.

  6. I FREAKING LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was 10 years a stand up Christian, blah, blah , blah and I picked up the booze again and completely ruined my life within 6 months. The suck part my wife suffered horribly through it and I let a whole bunch people down in my wake. I repented, blah, blah, blah… and guess what God forgave me… Heres the thing, get over it! move on… you paid a big price for what you did, Christ paid a bigger price so you could understand that. Just know thats what happens when you keep your mouth shut and launch out on our own….. I FREAKING LOVE YOU!!!!!!! now, don’t be a jackass and call when your blue!!!!!!! J.R.

  7. Meet J.R. Mahon, ladies and gentlemen. A man I greatly respect and a man who has become a good friend.J.R. is one of the Pastors of XXXChurch, a published author, a husband to a beautiful woman, and a father to 3 beautiful children.Thanks for commenting here, J.R.

  8. Meet J.R. Mahon, ladies and gentlemen. A man I greatly respect and a man who has become a good friend.

    J.R. is one of the Pastors of XXXChurch, a published author, a husband to a beautiful woman, and a father to 3 beautiful children.

    Thanks for commenting here, J.R.

  9. Thank you for being candid about what is going on in your life and your struggles as a Christian. Do you know that God is not shocked when we mess up? No, He’s not. He knows we are frail humanity bound to slip up here and there along the way. Most times than not Donny, we are going to mess up. That’s why Christ died for us. And we are all in a process of sanctification… it takes time… you know, the world will always be watching us and waiting until we fail, so that they can be justified. But that’s the trick of the enemy, he is the accuser of the brethren. We are sinners saved by grace… we still have an old nature that we will contend with till the day Jesus takes us. Just keep pressin on, don’t give up… you will see that you will change little by little… the enemy wound like you to give up and be defeated. But he’s already defeated. It’s awesome that we have a loving Savior to run to. We are so fortunate that we have Him in our lives. That was, quite frankly, the best decision we could ever make in our lives; accepting HIM! He is with you my brother. Don’t give up! God bless you!

  10. Thank you for being candid about what is going on in your life and your struggles as a Christian. Do you know that God is not shocked when we mess up? No, He’s not. He knows we are frail humanity bound to slip up here and there along the way. Most times than not Donny, we are going to mess up. That’s why Christ died for us. And we are all in a process of sanctification… it takes time… you know, the world will always be watching us and waiting until we fail, so that they can be justified. But that’s the trick of the enemy, he is the accuser of the brethren. We are sinners saved by grace… we still have an old nature that we will contend with till the day Jesus takes us. Just keep pressin on, don’t give up… you will see that you will change little by little… the enemy wound like you to give up and be defeated. But he’s already defeated. It’s awesome that we have a loving Savior to run to. We are so fortunate that we have Him in our lives. That was, quite frankly, the best decision we could ever make in our lives; accepting HIM! He is with you my brother. Don’t give up! God bless you!

  11. Dude, you are not alone. I constantly find myself tripping over my own ego as it gets in my way. Subjugating your will to the will of God is so hard, even for those of us who have been Christians for a while. I’m praying for you man. Hang in there and know that God loves you!

  12. Dude, you are not alone. I constantly find myself tripping over my own ego as it gets in my way. Subjugating your will to the will of God is so hard, even for those of us who have been Christians for a while. I’m praying for you man. Hang in there and know that God loves you!

  13. Hey man… I know exactly jack… that said, I’ll pile on here.King David… a man “after God’s own heart”… also an liar, adulterer, and murderer. Read all about it in 2 Samuel 11. It happens, my friend.IMHO… part of the reason that people WANT to see Christians fall is that so many of us spend all this time painting these perfect pictures of ourselves. Not to mention pointing the finger at everyone else’s sin, as though it was any worse than our own.Keep doing what you’re doing. Be real and authentic with this stuff. Sin is like mold… it festers in dark places. Keep exposing it to the light.Simple… but not easy.

  14. All of these things are right on bro. You screwed up. You may have to appologize to some peeps. That humility alone will go miles toward showing “those” people that you are INDEED a changing man.You will FOREVER be undergoing the “change”! There will NEVER be a day (until you’re standing before God) where you should say, “I’m now complete!” In fact Philippians 1:6 says, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”You are growing and changing EVERY DAY now. This slip-up is just part of the growing process! What’s important is that you live a life that displays the grace you were given. Remember the chains that once held you, but remember those chains are now gone!Grace be with you.

  15. Hey Donny.Do not dispair. Satan is powerful and if you think He would not do EVERYTHING in His power to attack you where you are the most exposed, your wrong. He wants you back Donny and what a better victory for Him then to have you come apart infront of those adult webmasters who are dieing to find fault in your new life. You are stronger then you think. The fact that you are aware of your weaknesses only shows your strengths. God does not show us everything at once that we need to fix. Im convinced we could not take it if we knew how sinful we are if we got it all at once. Its just God showing you somethings and Satan trying to capitolize on those new revelations.God has special plans for you Donny. Its easy for us to get ahead of God and want all of it right upfront. I do it all the time Its just kinda who I am. Ive really had to fight it.I know you have heard this already, but dont be afraid to fall and make mistakes. You will as will the rest of us. Going through the trials will only make us stronger. You might want to read as much as you can about Paul and his life. God loves you no matter what man. He can turn anything we screw up into good. He will not let you down now.I struggle also, everyday. I fight my past at every turn. You are not alone!Love ya and praying for you man!Jeff…ya, that one. 🙂

  16. Hey man… I know exactly jack… that said, I’ll pile on here.

    King David… a man “after God’s own heart”… also an liar, adulterer, and murderer. Read all about it in 2 Samuel 11.

    It happens, my friend.

    IMHO… part of the reason that people WANT to see Christians fall is that so many of us spend all this time painting these perfect pictures of ourselves. Not to mention pointing the finger at everyone else’s sin, as though it was any worse than our own.

    Keep doing what you’re doing. Be real and authentic with this stuff. Sin is like mold… it festers in dark places. Keep exposing it to the light.

    Simple… but not easy.

  17. All of these things are right on bro.

    You screwed up. You may have to appologize to some peeps. That humility alone will go miles toward showing “those” people that you are INDEED a changing man.

    You will FOREVER be undergoing the “change”! There will NEVER be a day (until you’re standing before God) where you should say, “I’m now complete!” In fact Philippians 1:6 says, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

    You are growing and changing EVERY DAY now. This slip-up is just part of the growing process! What’s important is that you live a life that displays the grace you were given. Remember the chains that once held you, but remember those chains are now gone!

    Grace be with you.

  18. Hey Donny.

    Do not dispair. Satan is powerful and if you think He would not do EVERYTHING in His power to attack you where you are the most exposed, your wrong. He wants you back Donny and what a better victory for Him then to have you come apart infront of those adult webmasters who are dieing to find fault in your new life.

    You are stronger then you think. The fact that you are aware of your weaknesses only shows your strengths. God does not show us everything at once that we need to fix. Im convinced we could not take it if we knew how sinful we are if we got it all at once. Its just God showing you somethings and Satan trying to capitolize on those new revelations.

    God has special plans for you Donny. Its easy for us to get ahead of God and want all of it right upfront. I do it all the time Its just kinda who I am. Ive really had to fight it.

    I know you have heard this already, but dont be afraid to fall and make mistakes. You will as will the rest of us. Going through the trials will only make us stronger. You might want to read as much as you can about Paul and his life.

    God loves you no matter what man. He can turn anything we screw up into good. He will not let you down now.

    I struggle also, everyday. I fight my past at every turn. You are not alone!

    Love ya and praying for you man!

    Jeff…

    ya, that one. 🙂

  19. Ya know….There are a few words that keep running through my mind.

    Back before you started the “sex game” you and I discussed it. Do you remember my advice?

    Am I allowed to say “I told you so.”?

    It sucks that things have ended up this way for you. I know the difficulty you are going through……BUT….You were warned about playing that particular game. I’ve seen a lot of it and it rarely ends well for those involved.

    Personally, I’m kinda glad it’s out in the open now. It’s actually a weight lifted off of you. Live and learn my friend.

    Now…..I’m headed to Spain to shoot TR’s new girl. I need an assistant. Wanna go? 😉

  20. Ya know….There are a few words that keep running through my mind.Back before you started the “sex game” you and I discussed it. Do you remember my advice?Am I allowed to say “I told you so.”?It sucks that things have ended up this way for you. I know the difficulty you are going through……BUT….You were warned about playing that particular game. I’ve seen a lot of it and it rarely ends well for those involved.Personally, I’m kinda glad it’s out in the open now. It’s actually a weight lifted off of you. Live and learn my friend.Now…..I’m headed to Spain to shoot TR’s new girl. I need an assistant. Wanna go? 😉

  21. Hi Donny,Earlier, I called you Paul. Now I can call you Peter. He personally denied Jesus three times, while Jesus was on his way to be crucified. Not that you’ve gone that far. But Peter staged a comeback, and became one of the most influential followers of Jesus of all time. That’s what I expect for you. With Christ, failure is never final. Bill

  22. Hi Donny,
    Earlier, I called you Paul. Now I can call you Peter. He personally denied Jesus three times, while Jesus was on his way to be crucified. Not that you’ve gone that far. But Peter staged a comeback, and became one of the most influential followers of Jesus of all time. That’s what I expect for you. With Christ, failure is never final.
    Bill

  23. donny,good post again. your honesty keeps this puppy going. i’m CERTAIN that this will not be the last time you screw up. like j.r. said…move on my friend. we’re all a few choices from chucking it all, and a few choices from total recovery. we all can connect with how it feels to be remorseful. so ya, i second what j.r. said and i welcome him to the blog.but don’t doubt that God wants to use you brother man. because he does…and is…using you.

  24. donny,

    good post again. your honesty keeps this puppy going. i’m CERTAIN that this will not be the last time you screw up. like j.r. said…move on my friend. we’re all a few choices from chucking it all, and a few choices from total recovery. we all can connect with how it feels to be remorseful. so ya, i second what j.r. said and i welcome him to the blog.

    but don’t doubt that God wants to use you brother man. because he does…and is…using you.

  25. Donny you know I respect you more and more when you become less and less… If that makes since, in a not-so-christianized way.I hate that you’re still so sick with yourself. I still have the utmost faith in you dispite whatever you do. And if you need an ear, I’ve got one… actually two… so feel free to get ahold of me if you need.Ron

  26. Since you mentioned the line from “In the Light,” take to heart these words as well from another song on the same album.What if I stumble /What if I fall /What if I lose my step /And I make fools of us all /Will the love continue /When the walk becomes a crawl /What if I stumble /And what if I fallWe’ve all been there and go there constantly. Stand up and keep walking. I believe in you and in the power of the God to whom you belong.

  27. Donny you know I respect you more and more when you become less and less… If that makes since, in a not-so-christianized way.

    I hate that you’re still so sick with yourself.

    I still have the utmost faith in you dispite whatever you do.

    And if you need an ear, I’ve got one… actually two… so feel free to get ahold of me if you need.

    Ron

  28. Since you mentioned the line from “In the Light,” take to heart these words as well from another song on the same album.

    What if I stumble /
    What if I fall /
    What if I lose my step /
    And I make fools of us all /
    Will the love continue /
    When the walk becomes a crawl /
    What if I stumble /
    And what if I fall

    We’ve all been there and go there constantly. Stand up and keep walking. I believe in you and in the power of the God to whom you belong.

  29. You really haven’t learned much, and you wont until you realize its not all about you. You have this ability to only see the world from your current viewpoint, and not others. You talk about how you are hurt by people, and you don’t even begin to think how your actions affect them.You think your conversion was a cup of tea for Belinda? Seriously I can’t fathom wtf is wrong with you. You are very egocentric, in both your dealings with those around you, with this blog, and with your relationship with your god.Instead of thinking about how you were wronged, betrayed, or however you want to put it. Why don’t you try putting yourself in the shoes of those who’s lives you have turned upside down.And for a second try to not be so arrogantly judgmental of those who don’t believe the same as you do with your latest religious beliefs. Do you really think you are being Christlike? Unlike Jesus you would likely be the first one throwing the stones.

  30. You really haven’t learned much, and you wont until you realize its not all about you. You have this ability to only see the world from your current viewpoint, and not others. You talk about how you are hurt by people, and you don’t even begin to think how your actions affect them.

    You think your conversion was a cup of tea for Belinda? Seriously I can’t fathom wtf is wrong with you. You are very egocentric, in both your dealings with those around you, with this blog, and with your relationship with your god.

    Instead of thinking about how you were wronged, betrayed, or however you want to put it. Why don’t you try putting yourself in the shoes of those who’s lives you have turned upside down.

    And for a second try to not be so arrogantly judgmental of those who don’t believe the same as you do with your latest religious beliefs. Do you really think you are being Christlike? Unlike Jesus you would likely be the first one throwing the stones.

  31. Donny,You may not be where you need to be, but thank God you are not where you used to be. (Paraphrasing Joyce Meyer.)- David

  32. Donny,

    You may not be where you need to be, but thank God you are not where you used to be. (Paraphrasing Joyce Meyer.)

    – David

  33. “Call to me and I will answer you, and I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know about.”Jeremiah 33:3Words I love to live by.

  34. “Call to me and I will answer you, and I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know about.”

    Jeremiah 33:3

    Words I love to live by.

  35. Donny, I’m a new poster here, but have been reading your stuff for a bit (I found you thru xxxchurch and read something like 35 posts in one day!). I’m gonna say it–you will fall. I fall. ALL Christians FALL. Sometimes hidden, sometimes in big, fat, splats in the ground in front of everyone we want to impress. Bring it out to the light, confess it and move on, brother! God doesn’t sit there, shaking his head, thinking “man, he really screwed up! Maybe I should give up on him!” Nope. He throws that splat into the sea of forgetfulness. And just keeps on loving you!I love your honesty–keep on posting!Tina

  36. Donny, I’m a new poster here, but have been reading your stuff for a bit (I found you thru xxxchurch and read something like 35 posts in one day!). I’m gonna say it–you will fall. I fall. ALL Christians FALL. Sometimes hidden, sometimes in big, fat, splats in the ground in front of everyone we want to impress.
    Bring it out to the light, confess it and move on, brother! God doesn’t sit there, shaking his head, thinking “man, he really screwed up! Maybe I should give up on him!” Nope. He throws that splat into the sea of forgetfulness. And just keeps on loving you!
    I love your honesty–keep on posting!
    Tina

  37. Donny:When it’s all said and done at the end of the day, it’s more important for you to be an authentic and transparent Christian man, than it is for you to be a model example Christian man on display for the porn industry to marvel at.If everything you did was perfect and your perfectness was so compelling to the members of the porn forums that they were motivated to become Christians in order to be made perfect just like you in the blink of an eye… they would likely be sold a false bill of goods.Deep down your greatest fear is probably similar to mine. You don’t want to be like one of the hypocrites that helped turn you away from Christianity. You want to be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem.But the solution to this is not for you to be perfect from the start. The solution lies in how you respond once you’ve discovered that you’ve made a mess of things. Right now you sit on the cusp of being influential and on the cusp of gaining humility. It all depends on how you respond.It looks to me like you are moving in the right direction.Keep up the good work bro.peace|dewdehttp://www.teensagainstporn.com

  38. Donny:

    When it’s all said and done at the end of the day, it’s more important for you to be an authentic and transparent Christian man, than it is for you to be a model example Christian man on display for the porn industry to marvel at.

    If everything you did was perfect and your perfectness was so compelling to the members of the porn forums that they were motivated to become Christians in order to be made perfect just like you in the blink of an eye… they would likely be sold a false bill of goods.

    Deep down your greatest fear is probably similar to mine. You don’t want to be like one of the hypocrites that helped turn you away from Christianity. You want to be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem.

    But the solution to this is not for you to be perfect from the start. The solution lies in how you respond once you’ve discovered that you’ve made a mess of things. Right now you sit on the cusp of being influential and on the cusp of gaining humility. It all depends on how you respond.

    It looks to me like you are moving in the right direction.

    Keep up the good work bro.

    peace|dewde
    http://www.teensagainstporn.com

  39. His grace is sufficient, even for you, Donny ;)Have you ever read Brennan Manning’s ‘The Ragamuffin Gospel’?

  40. Dear Donny,
    Thanks for your honesty. Of course it seems everything you’re writing is simply straight from your heart, right or wrong, good or bad, personal or about other stuff. You’re just pouring it out. No less true with this one. A few thoughts came to my heart in response.
    I too have been going through it for the last 2 weeks or so, although of course regarding other areas but nonetheless, dealing with past behaviour, wrong thinking, quick conclusions, etc. I also want to say that one can not “get over it” just like that. Thank God you were sensitive to how you portrayed Christ to those who are lost and expected more from one who claims to follow Christ. Certainly you get up, but certainly you’ll fall again, and up and so on. It certainly puts reliance for us on Christ alone. “MY LITTLE children, I write you these things so that you may not violate God’s law and sin. But if anyone should sin, we have an Advocate (One Who will intercede for us) with the Father–[it is] Jesus Christ [the all] righteous [upright, just, Who conforms to the Father’s will in every purpose, thought, and action].” 1 John 2:1 Amplified Bible
    Anyway:

    1. You’re probably right about how people are going to view you after your rants, etc. The world’s view of us is partly due to our own professions of perfection, and when we fall from the virtual pedestal, a typical response is “and you call yourself a Christian”. Perfection is our goal and scripture urges, compells, even commands that we be perfect even as He is, but it is a destiny, not where we are now, it is a pursuit, but as 1 Cor. 13:12 says, “For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood [by God].” And of course, just before that in verse 10 it says “But when the complete and perfect (total) comes, the incomplete and imperfect will vanish away (become antiquated, void, and superseded).” Both from the Amplified Bible
    2. In 1 Chronicles 21, it speaks of David taking a census of the land, something that was detestable to God, because David did it in reliance upon his resources and not upon God’s. So God was going to punish Israel and David for this act, but gave David and ultimatum in 3 options, as to how he wants God to punish. Then David said an interesting thing in verse 13, “And David said to Gad, I am in great and distressing perplexity; let me fall, I pray you, into the hands of the Lord, for very great and many are His mercies; but let me not fall into the hands of man.” So even David understood that people, humanity is less forgiving than God. So while the world has every right to demand that those who profess to be Christian act like it, it is equally true that God is certainly more gracious and forgiving, and if you are trying to please God, then failure is bound to occur, and God meets it with forgiveness.
    3. However, this is not the last word. Not only does the world expect more, it deserves more. There is something so healing and so redemptive when God rebounds in a situation like this. You get to go back now and go to all those whom you’ve failed to show Christ, and show Him at work in you, by going to all of them, especially individually or in the manner it happened, perhaps corporately, to ask their forgiveness for your failure to uphold the character of Christ. When a parent tells his child, I’m sorry, that is so healing for the child. There is no room for justification in your actions because your surrendering your right to be right. You’re admitting that you missed the mark. And that brings healing. Thus, in this case. It’s okay that they saw you fail. But now, what they don’t expect is for you to come humbly, crawling on your knees figuratively speaking if need be, and asking them for forgiveness. It doesn’t matter whether they give it to you or not either, but that you do your part. It doesn’t matter if they are not your brothers in Christ (although, someday they may be), but if your brother offend you, or you them, then go and make it right as far as you are concerned, before you offer your gift to God. Please note: the only time that you don’t offer an apology is when the truth is about Christ. About Him, the scriptures in Romans says, that the preaching of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing. Otherwise, you certainly will be working on your ‘testimony’ before them the rest of your life. “And they have overcome (conquered) him by means of the blood of the Lamb and by the utterance of their testimony, for they did not love and cling to life even when faced with death [holding their lives cheap till they had to die for their witnessing].” Revelation 12:11 Amplified Bible
    Finally, my brother, this morning as I sat with my son, eating breakfast and watching “Veggie Tales” The Rumor Weed Episode, a verse given at the end appeared and I felt it was the verse I was looking for to conclude my thoughts for you…no my encouragement for you. It’s Proverbs12:18 “There are those who speak rashly, like the piercing of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Amplified Bible. Or in the NIV, “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” and in The Message it reads, “Rash language cuts and maims, but there is healing in the words of the wise.”

    Yes you spoke rashly with reckless words that cut and maimed, but go now, be wise and bring healing to those who need His love. He’ll surely give you the words and the love to be Christ to those who need Him.

    Your brother in Christ,
    Daniel Mendez

  41. His grace is sufficient, even for you, Donny 😉
    Have you ever read Brennan Manning’s ‘The Ragamuffin Gospel’?

  42. Since you mentioned the line from “In the Light,” take to heart these words as well from another song on the same album.What if I stumble /What if I fall /What if I lose my step /And I make fools of us all /Will the love continue /When the walk becomes a crawl /What if I stumble /And what if I fallOh, the pain! The misery!! Yeah, I know, DCTalk did it too, but you gotta show love for the Charlie Peacock.

  43. Since you mentioned the line from “In the Light,” take to heart these words as well from another song on the same album.

    What if I stumble /
    What if I fall /
    What if I lose my step /
    And I make fools of us all /
    Will the love continue /
    When the walk becomes a crawl /
    What if I stumble /
    And what if I fall

    Oh, the pain! The misery!! Yeah, I know, DCTalk did it too, but you gotta show love for the Charlie Peacock.

  44. wow…I can’t say anything, but been there! sorry that happened, glad you’re bouncing back.

  45. wow…I can’t say anything, but been there! sorry that happened, glad you’re bouncing back.

  46. Donny, Far worse stories than yours will be heard and celebrated in heaven! Listen, music is important to your spiritual life, as it is to mine. Incredibly so. Songs by Christian artists prepared me to encounter the Holy Spirit. So I’d like to share this with you, a special playlist I prepared for my sister in law, who just became a follower of Christ a few weeks ago. (Can you hear the angels sing?)Here it is:”Shine On” — Needtobreathe”Stand” — Kendall Payne”Your Way” — Adie”My Heart Goes Out” — Warren Barfield”Let Them Hear” — Ginny Owens”Betrayed With a Kiss” – Steave Deal Band”Committed to the Call” — Kim Hill”Breathe Your Name” — Sixpence None the Richer”Turn Around” — Jonny Lang”Show Me” — Over the Rhine”Rain Down” — Rita Springer”Stand in the Rain” — Superchick”Show Me Love” — Building 429″All Around Me” — Flyleaf”Strength of My Life” — P.O.D.”Holy” – Nichole Nordeman”Omega” (remix) — Rebecca St. James”You Decide” — FireflightAll these tracks are found on iTunes.-Terry

  47. Donny,

    Far worse stories than yours will be heard and celebrated in heaven!

    Listen, music is important to your spiritual life, as it is to mine. Incredibly so. Songs by Christian artists prepared me to encounter the Holy Spirit. So I’d like to share this with you, a special playlist I prepared for my sister in law, who just became a follower of Christ a few weeks ago. (Can you hear the angels sing?)

    Here it is:

    “Shine On” — Needtobreathe
    “Stand” — Kendall Payne
    “Your Way” — Adie
    “My Heart Goes Out” — Warren Barfield
    “Let Them Hear” — Ginny Owens
    “Betrayed With a Kiss” – Steave Deal Band
    “Committed to the Call” — Kim Hill
    “Breathe Your Name” — Sixpence None the Richer
    “Turn Around” — Jonny Lang
    “Show Me” — Over the Rhine
    “Rain Down” — Rita Springer
    “Stand in the Rain” — Superchick
    “Show Me Love” — Building 429
    “All Around Me” — Flyleaf
    “Strength of My Life” — P.O.D.
    “Holy” – Nichole Nordeman
    “Omega” (remix) — Rebecca St. James
    “You Decide” — Fireflight

    All these tracks are found on iTunes.

    -Terry

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