Understand it or not, this blog is a form of healing for me. I have referred to the story I’m about to tell you a few times but have never delved into it much. It’s time. Call me crazy, and perhaps that’s not far from the truth, but I believe writing about this will help put it behind me.
Let’s start with a few definitions.
Definition of Arrogance on the web:
- One of the seven chief stumbling blocks. Its positive pole is pride; its negative pole is vanity.
Definitions of Depraved on the web:
- marked by immorality; deviating from what is considered right or proper or good
- extreme departure from what is normal and good
Let me tell you a story about how my arrogance led to a depraved sex game that ended up contributing to my surrender to God.
This isn’t a story for young readers.
This is an explicit story of a twisted sex game Belinda and I played. A game that we thought we had under control. A game that actually controlled us and forever changed our lives.
I’ll refrain from overly graphic descriptions, but stop now if you think this story will cause you harm in any way.
I’m telling this story because it is part of my life. In fact, if my life were a puzzle, this game would make up several pieces of it.
I’m also telling you because this game still influences me greatly. I imagine it always will. When I have a bad day, an undoubted part of the reason for my bad day goes back to this game.
I want the pain from this game to stop.
The recent meltdown I mentioned having was one form of evidence that my life is still influenced by this game.
Tonight, or should I say this morning since it’s barely after 4 am, I can’t sleep because of where this game has led. I am tired of lying in bed awake.
So I write.
First let me start with love and a girl.
I loved her deeply. I love her still. We’d had four and a half great years together by the time The Game started. It started, ironically, because of that love.
Like I mentioned in the title, my mind was depraved.
Said depravity was one of the results of a career as a porn producer. Things normal people would never do seemed like a good idea.
This is the mother of all things that normal people should never do!
Before we started dating, when we were just in the getting-to-know-each-other stages, Belinda and I talked about everything. She was living in the dorms at Chico State University and would often skip class to chat with me. We’d talk for hours.
One of the subjects we spoke about was sex and fantasies. Belinda’s biggest fantasy was to have two men in her bed paying all of their attention to her at the same time. She never thought it would ever happen, which is why the word “fantasy” was used.
I filed that information away in my mind.
I pulled it out 4.5 years later when we met Mark Navarro.
A Content Manager for Playboy, Mark was our boss. He was a guy with an outgoing personality. He seemed to be a ladies’ man.
He had a serious, long term relationship and therefore didn’t seem to be a threat to me. He’d mentioned having flings on the side and assured us that he had an open relationship with the mother of his child. I believed him at the time. Such things were not uncommon in the adult industry. By the time we found out Mark was not being honest about his open relationship it was too late: The Game had already begun.
I told Mark about Belinda’s fantasy and that I wanted to fulfill it for her.
This is where Arrogance comes into the picture. In my depraved mind, few men would give the love of their life such a “gift”. Many men speak of how they’d like to experience two woman at the same time, but very very few are interested in allowing their woman the reciprocal.
I didn’t want to be most men.
I wanted to give my woman something she’d never get from someone else.
I was arrogant. I could handle it. I could do something few men could do. I could share Belinda for awhile and I believed our relationship was strong enough to handle it.
Turns out I was wrong.
I explained to Mark that for Belinda to have a good time he’d have to get inside her head a little. She’d have to be comfortable with a man if she was going to sleep with him.
Mark came through like a champ, spending 2 months getting Belinda comfortable with him by chatting with her online. Calling her. Emailing her. All with my blessing. I called it right: he did indeed have the determination to put the time into it.
The first time should have been the last time, but I was an arrogant SOB. I experienced emotions from extreme jealousy to extreme “turn on”. I decided to channel the former into the latter and continued The Game.
After all, I was unlike most men. I could handle it. WE could handle it.
The Game turned into a pretty regular event. People heard about it. My arrogance made me think my relationship was safe from all the things our friends warned us about.
We can handle it. We’re strong. You’re wrong. This won’t end us.
Then came Webmaster Access West. Los Angeles, Ca. November, 2005. Horror.
Webmaster Access was a week long event that culminated in a party at the Playboy Mansion. The week before the event we’d been shooting in San Diego so we had our camera gear and our vehicle with us. It would be a 500 mile drive home. At the beginning of the week I mentioned to Belinda that I might let her spend the night alone with Mark on the last day of the event and fly home with him while I drove.
After all, that might turn me on.
Turns out that wasn’t the case. In the middle of the event I flew home to see my son’s first play and flew back the next morning. While I was gone I let Belinda and Mark do as they pleased.
The week turned out to be about them. I was largely ignored. I was rather annoyed because the game was supposed to be about us: Belinda and I. This didn’t fit my arrogant idea that Mark was not a threat to me. Serious feelings had grown inside of Belinda for Mark.
I told her that because I’d been pretty much ignored all week, and because they’d already had a night alone when I flew home for my son’s play, there was no way another night alone was going to happen.
Nope. No way. Not happening.
When the day came that it was time to leave I told Belinda she’d be driving home with me.
Fighting. Arguments. Thrown coffee cups inside our Explorer. Crying. Yelling.
After two hours of this we merged onto Interstate 5 to head home. Belinda made me turn the car around and take her back to Mark’s hotel. I explained to her that if she got out of the car we’d be over.
I pulled up to the hotel.
She stepped out.
I drove up Interstate 5 bawling my eyes out.
How had it come to this? Why? Things had been SO PERFECT before all of this. We never fought. We loved each other deeply. How had this sex game gotten to this point? How could I have been so stupid? I honestly thought we were so in love that we could withstand anything.
I had been such an arrogant SOB.
Still, I didn’t want to lose Belinda. The thought terrified me.
If I have to settle for sharing her, I’ll do it. Sad, really. Pathetic is actually a bit more accurate.
I wanted the game to end so badly but I wanted Belinda to be the one to call it off. I made it clear that it was her call because I wanted her to stop it out of love for me.
The Game continued another 3 months. Finally in February Belinda was ready to stop. The mess our relationship had become and the fighting we’d begun doing was so unlike the great years we’d had before The Game began.
In the time period between November and February my ego had been crushed. I wasn’t as untouchable as I thought. I felt unloved. I was depressed.
Although healing had begun between us, I thought a bit about God, but there was no way I was going to come to him when my life was in shambles. Everyone did that. I was better than everyone else.
Instead I focused on rebuilding what I’d lost with Belinda.
I’m sorry, Belinda, but Mark can’t be a part of our lives anymore if we are to heal. She was aware of that.
Things were slowly getting back to normal. Very slowly, but progress was being made.
Still, my ego and feelings of self worth would never return to the levels they’d been prior to The Game. It turns out that wasn’t such a bad thing, because for the next 7 months I reflected a bit on God and on the love xxxchurch had shown despite how horrible I’d been to them. I started paying more attention to the way my actions and my life influenced other people. I stopped making up excuses when models were found out and hurt by posing for us. I began to accept responsibility for my actions.
My heart softened. On September 25th, as you know if you’ve read my story, I finally surrendered to God.
Belinda thought I was crazy. Why would I give up everything we’d built? Why now, when things were on track to returning to normal? Why now, when Playboy had offered us more money than ever before to start shooting a new series? Why now, when we were progressing so well on repairing our relationship?
Because that crack in ego and arrogance had let in the Light and given certain seeds a place to grow.
I’d hoped Belinda would want to experience God as well, but she had no desire to do so. Our house has 4 bedrooms, 2 of which are Master Bedrooms. I moved into the second Master. Belinda continued to produce porn and I’d leave on days when she had a shoot.
We were no longer officially together, but we spent time with each other every day. I told her she’d have to move out but I never put a time period on the actual date by which she’d have to do so. I still hoped she’d see Jesus in me and want to meet him herself.
Then came the meltdown.
On my birthday Belinda chose to go to a party with Mark. After all, she thought, we’re not together anymore so why can’t I go? It was a special day to me and I thought Belinda would be spending it with me. It felt like the ultimate insult that out of all days she could go party with another man she chose my birthday. I baited Mark into starting a thread on a public message board owned by Playboy. Once he did so I let go on the two of them with both barrels.
In front of thousands of readers.
It was horrible.
What hurt the most about the meltdown was that I’d blown it so badly. I’d been trying to live my life as an example and instead I had shown anything BUT Jesus’ love.
Belinda moved out right after that meltdown. She hates me now. She doesn’t want to hear from me anymore in any way, and is now spending her free time with Mark. She recently told me she feels dirty for doing so but that it distracts her from the guilt she feels inside.
Does it hurt that she’s spending time with Mark? Of course it does. Worse than I thought it would. But it also helps me to let go of her.
I’ve repented. I continue to repent even though I know I’m forgiven. Most of the time I actually feel forgiven. Sometimes I do not.
Sometimes I feel sane. Sometimes I do not.
I want Jesus to heal Belinda too, but I’m not the person to show him to her. I hope he sends the right person to do so.