Donny's Ramblings

The Journey: Ranting and Admission of Failures

38 Comments

I fancy myself as being able to let go on this blog. To make myself totally vulnerable. To hold nothing back.

In reality, that’s not the case at all. Sometimes I feel like ranting, as I did near the beginning of this journey, but I’ll stop myself from doing so.

Why do I do so? Why do I keep negatives bottled inside?

Fear. Fear of losing everything positive that’s been happening in my life. Fear that others won’t want to read what I write or listen to me speak if I let out every aspect of Donny…

If I loose myself on the world, so to speak.

What do I mean?

I want to write about everything going on inside of me. It’s a huge release to let it out on “paper”, and I want to remember all of this journey. Every step. I want to talk about feelings where I question my own sanity. I want to talk about the times I’m sexually tempted, but how I combat those temptations by reminding myself of all that has changed about me, all that I’ve given up, and how disappointing it would be to make those changes mean absolutely nothing at all by giving in to temptation.

I want to admit to being set off every time I receive another check in the mail with Belinda’s name on it. Or another letter from the bank financing her car.

How hard can it be to call these people and change your address? How hard can it be to tell the bank financing your car that you no longer work for me, so they’ll stop calling if you’re a few days late with your payment? How hard can it be to give them your new number so they’ll stop calling mine? And what in the world makes you think it’s okay to have my replacement relay messages to me? If you want to let me know where to send your mail have the respect to tell me yourself.

I want to admit that it hurts when I find out Belinda’s new boyfriend has changed his MySpace title into a very personal message to me (click here to see a screenshot of it), and the pain is multiplied once I see Belinda posting on a public message board that the message comes from both of them.

But I hold that back and don’t write about it.

I want to admit that such things make me wish to steal from her every good memory we’ve ever had together. I wish I could remove all of those from her mind. She doesn’t deserve to remember the NUMEROUS great, amazing times we had together. She doesn’t deserve to remember my son, who loved her so much.

Sometimes I’m spiteful and will send a text message or email that reflects my mood. The purpose? To steal memories. To replace any positive thoughts she has in her mind about me with negative thoughts. To purposefully poison the past so that it no longer brings a smile to her face. To be in control of how she thinks of me. It’s SO WRONG to be that way, yet I still do it once in awhile.

But I hold that back and don’t write about it.

And then I stand up on a stage in front of hundreds of people and talk about how God has saved me and changed my life. Hypocrisy, no? And I do hate hypocrisy.

This inner struggle, this turmoil, this cycle… I don’t beat myself up about it. I find it beautiful for some reason. I love it, yet hate it, all at the same time.

I haven’t given in to physical temptations, and for that I often congratulate myself. But isn’t it just as bad, or worse, to give in to spite by sending negative messages to Belinda from time to time?

Besides, those physical temptations really aren’t that big a challenge for me. My past has given me plenty of tools to combat them. They’re a relatively easy battle to win. My biggest problems are my ego and my stubbornness. I lose those battles almost every time.

I’m not the smartest man, but I’m beginning to think there’s no perfect solution to these problems. They’re a constant battle over which victory is going to take much time. Much effort. Much pain.

Is it crazy that I look forward to the fight?

38 thoughts on “The Journey: Ranting and Admission of Failures

  1. We all have that when someone does things to hurt you. I have someone right now who used to be a close friend that’s running around town lying about me because I wouldn’t stop telling people to give up pornography. You just have to work on it day by day, man.

  2. We all have that when someone does things to hurt you. I have someone right now who used to be a close friend that’s running around town lying about me because I wouldn’t stop telling people to give up pornography. You just have to work on it day by day, man.

  3. Seems to me that you are posting about it all right now.

  4. Seems to me that you are posting about it all right now.

  5. Bingo, Aaron.

  6. Dude…. its part of growing and trying to figure out who we are…. again. I have so many hurts and scarres from my past. Way more then I thought i had. Im slapped in the fave everyday by my part. Like you, I had people i thoguht really loved and cared for me, yet after I turned my heart to God, they ran or moved on. However, im learing that we dont find out significance in ourselfs or others… we find out self worth in God. When it comes right down to it… does it really matter what people think? The very God that created the heavens and earth loved us so much that He came and died for us. For me man! With all my faults and terrible past. With all my bills and sortcomings… all my temptations and thoughts….. He thought I was worth it. That makes us significate. God loves us no matter what Donny… He does not care about the fluff, He jut wants to love us for who we are… right now. Om so very excited to see what God is doing for you.

    Jeff

  7. Dude…. its part of growing and trying to figure out who we are…. again. I have so many hurts and scarres from my past. Way more then I thought i had. Im slapped in the fave everyday by my part. Like you, I had people i thoguht really loved and cared for me, yet after I turned my heart to God, they ran or moved on. However, im learing that we dont find out significance in ourselfs or others… we find out self worth in God. When it comes right down to it… does it really matter what people think? The very God that created the heavens and earth loved us so much that He came and died for us. For me man! With all my faults and terrible past. With all my bills and sortcomings… all my temptations and thoughts….. He thought I was worth it. That makes us significate. God loves us no matter what Donny… He does not care about the fluff, He jut wants to love us for who we are… right now. Om so very excited to see what God is doing for you.

    Jeff

  8. I let my friend John read a conversation I had on ICQ with someone else. In response to that conversation, and this blog entry, John wrote:

    Yeah. I have to agree with her on most of what she said. You do “water down” things, and avoid mentioning others to present a false image of who you currently are. In a way, that IS being a fake. I just don’t tell you that because I don’t want to hurt your feelings or insult you. I do believe that she is 100% right.

    HOWEVER… By saying that, I feel that your thoughts and actions are perfectly normal under the current conditions, and the only thing that I criticize is the fact that you cover them up, or “water them down” to fit the image that you are trying to project to others that don’t know you on a personal level as I do.

    WOW! Did that make sense? I dare you to quote me and get other people’s opinions on this. Those who will criticize you.. for being YOU! Aren’t your friends anyway, so who cares what they think.

    Dare taken John. Perhaps this is another blog entry all by itself. šŸ˜‰

  9. I let my friend John read a conversation I had on ICQ with someone else. In response to that conversation, and this blog entry, John wrote:

    Yeah. I have to agree with her on most of what she said. You do “water down” things, and avoid mentioning others to present a false image of who you currently are. In a way, that IS being a fake. I just don’t tell you that because I don’t want to hurt your feelings or insult you. I do believe that she is 100% right.

    HOWEVER… By saying that, I feel that your thoughts and actions are perfectly normal under the current conditions, and the only thing that I criticize is the fact that you cover them up, or “water them down” to fit the image that you are trying to project to others that don’t know you on a personal level as I do.

    WOW! Did that make sense? I dare you to quote me and get other people’s opinions on this. Those who will criticize you.. for being YOU! Aren’t your friends anyway, so who cares what they think.

    Dare taken John. Perhaps this is another blog entry all by itself. šŸ˜‰

  10. Here’s what she wrote in response to your writings, Mister Johnny Boy:

    yea gee, go figure. me and john think alike. because we like you you.not perfect you. we dont expect perfection.

  11. Here’s what she wrote in response to your writings, Mister Johnny Boy:

    yea gee, go figure. me and john think alike. because we like you you.not perfect you. we dont expect perfection.

  12. Donny, I’m glad you felt you could come clean. I love reading your blog (yours is the only one I read) because you are so real. We all have struggles and areas where we fall flat on our faces. Jesus doesn’t promise us perfection–that’s reserved for heaven. I wish it were otherwise!! šŸ˜€

  13. Donny, I’m glad you felt you could come clean. I love reading your blog (yours is the only one I read) because you are so real. We all have struggles and areas where we fall flat on our faces. Jesus doesn’t promise us perfection–that’s reserved for heaven. I wish it were otherwise!! šŸ˜€

  14. God must have perfection. He cannot allow sin into His presence. He knew we could never achieve perfection, but He wanted relationship with us, so He sent His only Son to be perfection FOR us.

    When we accept the atonement Jesus’ sacrifice offers, God no longer sees US. He sees Jesus. When God looks at our rap sheet He only sees “FORGIVEN” written in Jesus’ blood over top of it all. Notice I didn’t say “innocent”. We will NEVER be innocent of our crimes, but God chooses to write it off if we will admit/confess that we are screw-ups and believe that Jesus is the only way God provides for us to escape the death penalty.

    You will never be perfect Donny, but you’ve accepted Jesus’ gift and you’re trying to let God help you change. Here you have admitted some things you still struggle with. God LOVES humility and hates pride so I would venture to say He is quite pleased with where you’re headed.

    I also kinda think that God just sort of shakes His head and chuckles when we do these prideful, spiteful things to try to make others hurt, because He knows that our unforgiveness only hurts US. It eats us up inside and does NOTHING to those we refuse to forgive.

    Love ya bro.

  15. God must have perfection. He cannot allow sin into His presence. He knew we could never achieve perfection, but He wanted relationship with us, so He sent His only Son to be perfection FOR us.

    When we accept the atonement Jesus’ sacrifice offers, God no longer sees US. He sees Jesus. When God looks at our rap sheet He only sees “FORGIVEN” written in Jesus’ blood over top of it all. Notice I didn’t say “innocent”. We will NEVER be innocent of our crimes, but God chooses to write it off if we will admit/confess that we are screw-ups and believe that Jesus is the only way God provides for us to escape the death penalty.

    You will never be perfect Donny, but you’ve accepted Jesus’ gift and you’re trying to let God help you change. Here you have admitted some things you still struggle with. God LOVES humility and hates pride so I would venture to say He is quite pleased with where you’re headed.

    I also kinda think that God just sort of shakes His head and chuckles when we do these prideful, spiteful things to try to make others hurt, because He knows that our unforgiveness only hurts US. It eats us up inside and does NOTHING to those we refuse to forgive.

    Love ya bro.

  16. Donny – Nazareth sang this song, “Love Hurts. What a fitting song for such a post has this.

    Michael
    The Confessions of a Porn Addict

  17. Donny – Nazareth sang this song, “Love Hurts. What a fitting song for such a post has this.

    Michael
    The Confessions of a Porn Addict

  18. When you send your poisoned mesages to Belinda are you trying to poison her memories, or are you trying to poison your memories so that you can rise above the rejection? Part of the healing process is anger. Who are you truly angry with?

    Randy

  19. When you send your poisoned mesages to Belinda are you trying to poison her memories, or are you trying to poison your memories so that you can rise above the rejection? Part of the healing process is anger. Who are you truly angry with?

    Randy

  20. erm….might want to cover up his myspace URL in the link picture.

  21. erm….might want to cover up his myspace URL in the link picture.

  22. Why are you still talking to her?! Geez, no wonder your emotions are all splintered…you’re trying to hold onto your relationship for…what?
    From what you post, it seems like you are being manipulated by her relationship with what’s-his-face. And–shocker!!–you’re falling for it. They are trying to make God’s work meaningless in your life. They figure, “Hey, if I can make him act like he was back then, then how real is this ‘God’ thing anyway?” And you’re walking right into it.
    Give them up. You can’t reach them and you can’t calm yourself while still interacting with them. You know that part where it says to give up your childish things? This seems pretty childish to me, though admittedly I’m not nearly close to the situation. But maybe that’s what you need. I am rooting for you and how Christ can work in you. I see a stumbling block and I’m telling you…get rid of it. No good can come from it.

  23. Why are you still talking to her?! Geez, no wonder your emotions are all splintered…you’re trying to hold onto your relationship for…what?
    From what you post, it seems like you are being manipulated by her relationship with what’s-his-face. And–shocker!!–you’re falling for it. They are trying to make God’s work meaningless in your life. They figure, “Hey, if I can make him act like he was back then, then how real is this ‘God’ thing anyway?” And you’re walking right into it.
    Give them up. You can’t reach them and you can’t calm yourself while still interacting with them. You know that part where it says to give up your childish things? This seems pretty childish to me, though admittedly I’m not nearly close to the situation. But maybe that’s what you need. I am rooting for you and how Christ can work in you. I see a stumbling block and I’m telling you…get rid of it. No good can come from it.

  24. I read through some of the Belinda post and I am feeling your pain.

    The first three steps of AA are very instructive – hope you find them useful and I hope you hang in there:

    1. We admitted we were powerless over [fill in the bank]–that our lives had become unmanageable.
    2. Came to believe that only a power greater than ourselves[e.g. Jesus Christ]could restore us to sanity.
    3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.

    Turning and surrending is the hardest part. For most people (at least this is my experience) find this to happen in a loving supportive community like a 12 step group.

    God Bless.

  25. I read through some of the Belinda post and I am feeling your pain.

    The first three steps of AA are very instructive – hope you find them useful and I hope you hang in there:

    1. We admitted we were powerless over [fill in the bank]–that our lives had become unmanageable.
    2. Came to believe that only a power greater than ourselves[e.g. Jesus Christ]could restore us to sanity.
    3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.

    Turning and surrending is the hardest part. For most people (at least this is my experience) find this to happen in a loving supportive community like a 12 step group.

    God Bless.

  26. That Myspace title is just hateful *shakes head* All you can do is own up to your responsibility in the situation. You cannot change or fix anyone but yourself. I highly congratulate you for leaving an industry populated by adult children. Which is not to say that the Christian world is not. But you have more opportunity to grow outside of that sphere, methinks. Your transparency here is very touching. Perfection is just not realistic.

  27. That Myspace title is just hateful *shakes head* All you can do is own up to your responsibility in the situation. You cannot change or fix anyone but yourself. I highly congratulate you for leaving an industry populated by adult children. Which is not to say that the Christian world is not. But you have more opportunity to grow outside of that sphere, methinks. Your transparency here is very touching. Perfection is just not realistic.

  28. OK, seriously, three days later, I can still see the link to his myspace page. I’m just saying, might not be the best thing to have out there.

  29. OK, seriously, three days later, I can still see the link to his myspace page. I’m just saying, might not be the best thing to have out there.

  30. There’s a real beauty in struggle. Maybe that’s why we’re to taken by boxing and martial arts… and WWF westling! šŸ˜‰ hehe!

    Anyway, I just want to say that I “know what you mean.” At least we have something truly worthy to fight FOR. It sure beats the aimless, depressing existance I had before God. Then I was not free, and my fate was already settled, no matter my apathy or my fighting to change. Sometimes after I flunk another test of “deny yourself and follow me,” I feel an odd stirring of hope. Knowing that I am free, and I CAN fight, that I CAN win the same fight that Jesus won, sometimes brings me to tears. And I think:

    “I fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. I consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that I will not grow weary and lose heart. In my struggle against sin, I have not yet resisted to the point of shedding my own blood….” (Hebrews 12:2-4)

    I find scripture to be about as comforting as sitting on a cactus: highly uncomfortable, but also highly motivating to MOVE! šŸ™‚

    If you read the rest of Hebrews 12, its sort of like a heart-to-heart with Dad as he disciplines you… a good read. I enjoyed it (“ouch”) immensely!

  31. There’s a real beauty in struggle. Maybe that’s why we’re to taken by boxing and martial arts… and WWF westling! šŸ˜‰ hehe!

    Anyway, I just want to say that I “know what you mean.” At least we have something truly worthy to fight FOR. It sure beats the aimless, depressing existance I had before God. Then I was not free, and my fate was already settled, no matter my apathy or my fighting to change. Sometimes after I flunk another test of “deny yourself and follow me,” I feel an odd stirring of hope. Knowing that I am free, and I CAN fight, that I CAN win the same fight that Jesus won, sometimes brings me to tears. And I think:

    “I fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. I consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that I will not grow weary and lose heart. In my struggle against sin, I have not yet resisted to the point of shedding my own blood….” (Hebrews 12:2-4)

    I find scripture to be about as comforting as sitting on a cactus: highly uncomfortable, but also highly motivating to MOVE! šŸ™‚

    If you read the rest of Hebrews 12, its sort of like a heart-to-heart with Dad as he disciplines you… a good read. I enjoyed it (“ouch”) immensely!

  32. I can certainly understand the struggle of dealing with an ex. After 4 years I am still dealing with my ex and still praying that God would sever the ties. But one thing came to my mind about 3 years ago – maybe God isn’t so worried about ending the struggle as He is about how am I dealing with it. Where is MY heart? What are MY thoughts, My words, and (this one was hard) MY prayers? My ex isn’t saved but I am. God wants ME to be different. Geez I didn’t like that! But I found with a lot of prayer, even complaining as I prayed for my ex and asking if He (God) could find someone else to pray for him, that over time – ok a lot of time – I started to change my view of it all. Not that I am looking to get back with the ex, but I can now say that I’m not filled with bitternes, resentment, anger that I was. Now I even have compassion for him as far as where life and his choices are taking him.

    So for what it’s worth, that’s my two cents. You’re on an amazing journey – thanks for sharing it with us! May God continue to bless you and your family!

  33. I can certainly understand the struggle of dealing with an ex. After 4 years I am still dealing with my ex and still praying that God would sever the ties. But one thing came to my mind about 3 years ago – maybe God isn’t so worried about ending the struggle as He is about how am I dealing with it. Where is MY heart? What are MY thoughts, My words, and (this one was hard) MY prayers? My ex isn’t saved but I am. God wants ME to be different. Geez I didn’t like that! But I found with a lot of prayer, even complaining as I prayed for my ex and asking if He (God) could find someone else to pray for him, that over time – ok a lot of time – I started to change my view of it all. Not that I am looking to get back with the ex, but I can now say that I’m not filled with bitternes, resentment, anger that I was. Now I even have compassion for him as far as where life and his choices are taking him.

    So for what it’s worth, that’s my two cents. You’re on an amazing journey – thanks for sharing it with us! May God continue to bless you and your family!

  34. Nobody pities a pitiful man. Leave that chapter of your life behind. Stop spending time on it. It’s no good for you, it’s no good for them, just let it go. You are the better man, so be that better man and walk away. I haven’t known either of you very long but I know you are a warm person and I know that she is not. So, let her go and be a happy man.

  35. Nobody pities a pitiful man. Leave that chapter of your life behind. Stop spending time on it. It’s no good for you, it’s no good for them, just let it go. You are the better man, so be that better man and walk away. I haven’t known either of you very long but I know you are a warm person and I know that she is not. So, let her go and be a happy man.

  36. MARK AND BELINDA ARE SHITTY PEOPLE AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT. BELINDA IS COLD HEARTED AND MARK….HE IS AN IDIOT. ANYONE THAT CAN TALK A BUNCH OF SHIT ABOUT A GOOD PERSON THAT THEY SPENT SO MUCH OF THEIR LIFE WITH IS A PIECE OF CRAP IN MY BOOK. SHE IS SHIT ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SHOE SO STEP ON HER!!! EMAIL ME SOMETIME. šŸ™‚

  37. MARK AND BELINDA ARE SHITTY PEOPLE AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT. BELINDA IS COLD HEARTED AND MARK….HE IS AN IDIOT. ANYONE THAT CAN TALK A BUNCH OF SHIT ABOUT A GOOD PERSON THAT THEY SPENT SO MUCH OF THEIR LIFE WITH IS A PIECE OF CRAP IN MY BOOK. SHE IS SHIT ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SHOE SO STEP ON HER!!! EMAIL ME SOMETIME. šŸ™‚

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