Donny's Ramblings

Spilling My Guts On the Topic of Love (and Sex)

24 Comments

I wrote this a few days ago, unsure whether or not I’d actually publish it.  But why not?  Let’s do it.

On this blog I’ve voided my guts, speaking about many of my sins.  You’ve read my writings about the horrors I perpetrated on models.  You’ve read about that really stupid sex game I played with the girl to whom I was engaged when I was in “the business”.  You’ve heard me make admissions most never would.  You haven’t, however, read much about Wendy, my ex-wife.  I have this awe… this reverence… for Wendy.  Sure, I’ve blogged a time or two about some of the things I’ve done to her, but I don’t talk too much about my feelings for her or the details of the way our lives interact now.  You haven’t read much detail on the guilt I feel for ruining her life and taking away the possibilities for my son to grow up in a home where his mother and father both welcome him home from school.  Sure, I’ve alluded to it, but not to the extent I’ve discussed other things.  And definitely not to the extent that it’s screwed with my head.

Thing is, this part of my life results in inner conflict because writing is the best outlet for me to deal with my emotions, but I remain mute on this for the most part.  And, sure, I could write in private, but that just doesn’t seem to have the same effect on me as when I hit the “publish” button that allows you, my constant readers, to devour the words I’ve put on digital paper.  It’s as if, by making things public, I’m enabling God’s light to shine into dark rooms within me.  That might not make sense to you, or it might sound silly, but it’s the best way I can describe things.

In many ways, dear reader, I’m royally screwed up in the head.  I’ve seen so much, heard so much, and DONE so much that I wonder if I’ll ever be “normal”. Sure, God heals.  But maybe He doesn’t want to.  Maybe He wants me to remain raw so that I can identify with the broken.  That’s totally fine with me.  I like me.  I really, really like me.  But I do wonder if the real Donny will, for example, ever have a normal relationship.  What decent woman wants a man who has produced porn for 9 years?  A man who has had meaningless sex with dozens of “models”?   A man who trashed the two serious relationships he’s had.  And since most single women my age have children, just how much trust does it take to allow a man around one’s children who has done the things I’ve done?   And even if SHE, whoever she may be, can trust me, what the hell is her child’s father going to think… going to say… going to DO… when he finds out who his ex is dating?

Know what I mean, Vern?

And on a side note… did you know that some of the things I’ve written on this very blog about my past, are self delusions?  Sometimes I still don’t want to own up to what a total and complete ASS I was… so I sugar coat the details. Oh man, have I!  Since surrendering my life to God I’ve discovered that I even delude myself, and am slowly uncovering for (admitting to?) myself just how big a “sinner” I really was.  What a wretch!  What a horrible wretch!  (“wretch” seems to be the perfect, fitting word)

And then there’s sex… I’ve had a lot of it, with a lot of different women. And now that I’m a slave to God, and trying to honor His daughters, I’m somewhat afraid that my next wife will find me boring.  “Boring?” you ask?  Yes… boring.  “Why would you think that, Donny?”   Because I have a feeling that I’ll be so afraid of disrespecting my wife that I will be unwilling to be adventurous in any way whatsoever.  Will anything beyond the basics result in flashbacks of my porn-producing past?  At this point, if I were to guess, I’d say “yes”.

Wouldn’t it be a great story if God restored my marriage to Wendy?  Sure, and I’ve heard from people all across the country about it:  “I’m praying for you, Donny, that you and Wendy will be restored!”  Great.  So am I.  So HAVE I.  But, ya know, that’s probably not gonna happen.  After all, I cheated on her multiple times, and hid from her the fact that I produced porn for 3 years BEHIND HER BACK before finally coming clean.  What would that do to YOUR head, knowing your spouse was a lying, deceitful bastard for 3 years?  All of the memories created during those years, for instance, wouldn’t mean a damned thing, now would they?  Because every one of them would be built on a lie, wouldn’t they?  Could YOU make yourself vulnerable to such a person again?  Who would ask that of you, anyway?  Forgiveness can be given, MUST be given.  Making oneself vulnerable again, however, is not really a fair request to make.

In a very rare case of sharing detailed information from an interaction I’ve had with Wendy, let me post my own words, written to the mother of my son, in the not too distant past:

I don’t crave a relationship, but I do really want to have more kids, and I don’t want to be too old to enjoy them.  I’ve had this romantic picture in my head of getting back together with you and working really hard to communicate and build a good life together.  I love the thought of having more babies together… growing old with you… doing some traveling when kids are out of the house.   And I KNOW our relationship could be totally healed and become what it should have been all along if you wanted that like I do.  But you don’t, so I don’t know whether to keep waiting to see if you change your mind, or to believe you when you say you don’t want it.  If I thought you were just saying that and being stubborn or protecting yourself from hurt I’d wait around as long as it took.  But I don’t want to be the sad old man who is still waiting for a woman who really DOESN’T want to ever be with him.  I was an idiot and a fool and a selfish ass… but I’ve learned.  And I love you so very much and want to hold you in my arms all the time, and if I let myself think about that too much it would consume my thoughts.

So… if you do have any desire to ever talk about being a family again, I wish you’d just tell me.  Yeah, that would make you vulnerable, but I’d sure appreciate it.

And since you’re all intelligent people, I’m sure you can surmise the current state of my relationship to Wendy.  Yes, she’s my friend.  She even works for me.  Yes, we love each other… as friends, and as much as two people who have had a child together and then been split apart by divorce can love each other.  But it is highly unlikely that we’ll ever be reconciled in marriage.  Highly. Freakin’. Unlikely!

So what do I do?  In the Bible, Paul tells us that he’d rather we remain single for life, as he was… and I could probably do that.  But if you re-read that paragraph I just posted for you… that excerpt from an email to Wendy… well, I’m sure you can clearly see my preference.  My son, Caden, is such an enormous joy in my life that  I’d love to have more children.  And the thought of Caden living in this world without siblings… just saddens me a little.  Still, if remaining single is what God wants me to do I’ll be content with that, and serve Him as best I can.  And that just might be the way things go, as these past two years have made it pretty clear that a restoration of our marriage really isn’t something Wendy wants, and while I am genuine in my desire to wait around to see if that changes,  I sometimes wonder if my proclamation also serves to protect me from vulnerability.  Opening oneself up to a new relationship with another person takes a lot of courage.  Perhaps I lack that courage.

Don’t get the wrong idea, dear Constant Reader… I’m not spending my days and nights in angst, wondering if I’ll ever have another relationship again.  It’s actually not something that consumes much of my time at all.  Life is beautifully comfortable as it is. I am very spoiled.

But once in awhile…

And so I write.  ‘Cause that’s just what I do when I need to clear my mind.  And I invite you to put in your own two cents… of advice, sharing of personal experiences, or whatever you feel like posting.

Or just read and don’t post anything at all.  I’m okay with that, too.

24 thoughts on “Spilling My Guts On the Topic of Love (and Sex)

  1. Wow, Donny, I’m blown away by your transparency. That’s probably why I’ve been drawn to you since I first learned about you. You are my fellow brother in Christ and I do love you beyond human reasoning!

    I must let your words soak in before I express what I’m thinking. What I do know, though, is God is totally able to let you know what HE wants for you!! Right now, that’s my prayer for you to be so open to His wisdom and guidance you will know which step is next for you.

    Take care and know you are loved for exactly who you are in Christ – a precious brother and friend with prayers and concerns for you.

  2. Wow, Donny, I’m blown away by your transparency. That’s probably why I’ve been drawn to you since I first learned about you. You are my fellow brother in Christ and I do love you beyond human reasoning!

    I must let your words soak in before I express what I’m thinking. What I do know, though, is God is totally able to let you know what HE wants for you!! Right now, that’s my prayer for you to be so open to His wisdom and guidance you will know which step is next for you.

    Take care and know you are loved for exactly who you are in Christ – a precious brother and friend with prayers and concerns for you.

  3. Hey Donny,

    I don’t comment often, if ever, but I do consistently subscribe and read your blog. I’m only 20 so I can’t offer too much of worth, and I feel like I shouldn’t just for the sake of contribution. However, I will say this: You have inspired me in a handful of blog posts in a way that no pastor/sermon/retreat/conference/etc. could ever do. And for THAT alone, I thank you.

    Keep on, keep strong.

  4. Hey Donny,

    I don’t comment often, if ever, but I do consistently subscribe and read your blog. I’m only 20 so I can’t offer too much of worth, and I feel like I shouldn’t just for the sake of contribution. However, I will say this: You have inspired me in a handful of blog posts in a way that no pastor/sermon/retreat/conference/etc. could ever do. And for THAT alone, I thank you.

    Keep on, keep strong.

  5. Apparently this post resonates with people. I’ve already received a handful of private emails about it.

    Thanks very much to those of you who have taken the time to reply. I appreciate your words.

  6. Apparently this post resonates with people. I’ve already received a handful of private emails about it.

    Thanks very much to those of you who have taken the time to reply. I appreciate your words.

  7. Thanks for this post, Donny. I’m sure your openness talks to many people in many ways. It sure does talk to me.

  8. Thanks for this post, Donny. I’m sure your openness talks to many people in many ways. It sure does talk to me.

  9. Donny,
    Thank you for hitting post and sharing this with us. I am writing you an email response now, as I am not sure my very lengthy comment would fit here. 🙂

    val

  10. Donny,
    Thank you for hitting post and sharing this with us. I am writing you an email response now, as I am not sure my very lengthy comment would fit here. 🙂

    val

  11. I don’t comment much. I pray for you though. My 2 cents? Wait. Likely to find out that things will stay as they are.
    But that’s just me.
    Feel free to ignore me. Blessings.

  12. I don’t comment much. I pray for you though. My 2 cents? Wait. Likely to find out that things will stay as they are.
    But that’s just me.
    Feel free to ignore me. Blessings.

  13. donny,
    first, thank you so much for exposing pornography for what it really is. for sharing all the terrible things that it has done in your life. your vulnerability is incredible, and your story shines a lot of truth into the darkness of my life, and many others. i’m in no capacity to offer much advice, just know how much i respect you and thank you for sharing your life. i think your attitude seems like the right one to have, and there’s not much else you control. keep seeking the Lord and continue to let Him radiate through you to us…. we are all blessed by you

  14. donny,
    first, thank you so much for exposing pornography for what it really is. for sharing all the terrible things that it has done in your life. your vulnerability is incredible, and your story shines a lot of truth into the darkness of my life, and many others. i’m in no capacity to offer much advice, just know how much i respect you and thank you for sharing your life. i think your attitude seems like the right one to have, and there’s not much else you control. keep seeking the Lord and continue to let Him radiate through you to us…. we are all blessed by you

  15. My 2 cents (for what they are worth) are these:

    Firstly, God gave you the gift of words and the passion for being raw for a reason. It reaches people, ministers to them right where they are, AND assists in YOUR healing in the process. You should never apologize or feel weird about it. Though I can certainly relate! Reminds me of a poem I wrote and did not post months ago. 🙂

    Secondly, …..WAIT…… When you don’t know what to do, and when the answers are not clear, don’t do anything. Decisions made in haste are most often the wrong ones. And if you pray about it, for no matter how long it takes, God WILL reveal His answers to you on the question of “Wendy” in His time.

  16. My 2 cents (for what they are worth) are these:

    Firstly, God gave you the gift of words and the passion for being raw for a reason. It reaches people, ministers to them right where they are, AND assists in YOUR healing in the process. You should never apologize or feel weird about it. Though I can certainly relate! Reminds me of a poem I wrote and did not post months ago. 🙂

    Secondly, …..WAIT…… When you don’t know what to do, and when the answers are not clear, don’t do anything. Decisions made in haste are most often the wrong ones. And if you pray about it, for no matter how long it takes, God WILL reveal His answers to you on the question of “Wendy” in His time.

  17. excellent word donny….i will pray for your restoration to wendy….and yes, that would be a HUGE miracle, but what an amazing one…….and think of all the glory God would get for that one!

  18. excellent word donny….i will pray for your restoration to wendy….and yes, that would be a HUGE miracle, but what an amazing one…….and think of all the glory God would get for that one!

  19. You know, boring is born of experience. If your future wife waits for you as I waited for my husband, boring can be pretty thrilling! Remember I Corinthians 5:17– God makes ALL things new 🙂 he also transforms us by the renewing of our minds. God’s grace is able to make us one and we’ve experienced many changes: Chris finds boring isn’t boring anymore, and I’ve found new things not so scary. Remember, we didn’t get the way we are instantly, and so it mght take time to change, but I just want to say that the healing you hope for really happens!

  20. You know, boring is born of experience. If your future wife waits for you as I waited for my husband, boring can be pretty thrilling! Remember I Corinthians 5:17– God makes ALL things new 🙂 he also transforms us by the renewing of our minds. God’s grace is able to make us one and we’ve experienced many changes: Chris finds boring isn’t boring anymore, and I’ve found new things not so scary. Remember, we didn’t get the way we are instantly, and so it mght take time to change, but I just want to say that the healing you hope for really happens!

  21. Two words sum up my two cents, it seems. Brutally honest. You with us, and now me with you. Simply put, reading to and listening to the muck you’ve come through makes my heart cry out in thankfulness to God. There is nothing like becoming intimately aware of another’s negative circumstances, past or present, to bring a real assessment of your own life. I am a 32 year old Christian, married mother of 3 wonderful boys. Two physical affairs and countless others later, I have only begun to uncover some of my sins for what they are. By the grace of God, I’m receiving wonderful godly counsel and feel I’m on the right track, for lack of better words. It may seem strange for me just blurt this out in a reply to your blog post, and maybe it IS strange. But, for me, as I reached the end of this post and you asked for 2 cents, all I could think of was brutal honesty. If only half the world were just that.

    God Bless you, dear Donny … keep on keepin’ on 🙂

  22. Two words sum up my two cents, it seems. Brutally honest. You with us, and now me with you. Simply put, reading to and listening to the muck you’ve come through makes my heart cry out in thankfulness to God. There is nothing like becoming intimately aware of another’s negative circumstances, past or present, to bring a real assessment of your own life. I am a 32 year old Christian, married mother of 3 wonderful boys. Two physical affairs and countless others later, I have only begun to uncover some of my sins for what they are. By the grace of God, I’m receiving wonderful godly counsel and feel I’m on the right track, for lack of better words. It may seem strange for me just blurt this out in a reply to your blog post, and maybe it IS strange. But, for me, as I reached the end of this post and you asked for 2 cents, all I could think of was brutal honesty. If only half the world were just that.

    God Bless you, dear Donny … keep on keepin’ on 🙂

  23. Donny,
    As I read this my heart broke for Wendy and I just prayed and prayed that Jesus would open up long closed doors of shame, anger, hurt, disappointment and fear. That He would open the doors and walk with her there, healing her and setting her free. There is such abundant freedom and joy in Christ which I know she has and I’m just praying that she gets to know it even more. The Holy Spirit is overwhelming me with how much Jesus wants her to have an even more abundant life than she has now, walking in complete freedom and joy. God has blessed you Donny and continues to do so, thank you so much my brother.

  24. Donny,
    As I read this my heart broke for Wendy and I just prayed and prayed that Jesus would open up long closed doors of shame, anger, hurt, disappointment and fear. That He would open the doors and walk with her there, healing her and setting her free. There is such abundant freedom and joy in Christ which I know she has and I’m just praying that she gets to know it even more. The Holy Spirit is overwhelming me with how much Jesus wants her to have an even more abundant life than she has now, walking in complete freedom and joy. God has blessed you Donny and continues to do so, thank you so much my brother.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.