I wrote this a few days ago, unsure whether or not I’d actually publish it. But why not? Let’s do it.
On this blog I’ve voided my guts, speaking about many of my sins. You’ve read my writings about the horrors I perpetrated on models. You’ve read about that really stupid sex game I played with the girl to whom I was engaged when I was in “the business”. You’ve heard me make admissions most never would. You haven’t, however, read much about Wendy, my ex-wife. I have this awe… this reverence… for Wendy. Sure, I’ve blogged a time or two about some of the things I’ve done to her, but I don’t talk too much about my feelings for her or the details of the way our lives interact now. You haven’t read much detail on the guilt I feel for ruining her life and taking away the possibilities for my son to grow up in a home where his mother and father both welcome him home from school. Sure, I’ve alluded to it, but not to the extent I’ve discussed other things. And definitely not to the extent that it’s screwed with my head.
Thing is, this part of my life results in inner conflict because writing is the best outlet for me to deal with my emotions, but I remain mute on this for the most part. And, sure, I could write in private, but that just doesn’t seem to have the same effect on me as when I hit the “publish” button that allows you, my constant readers, to devour the words I’ve put on digital paper. It’s as if, by making things public, I’m enabling God’s light to shine into dark rooms within me. That might not make sense to you, or it might sound silly, but it’s the best way I can describe things.
In many ways, dear reader, I’m royally screwed up in the head. I’ve seen so much, heard so much, and DONE so much that I wonder if I’ll ever be “normal”. Sure, God heals. But maybe He doesn’t want to. Maybe He wants me to remain raw so that I can identify with the broken. That’s totally fine with me. I like me. I really, really like me. But I do wonder if the real Donny will, for example, ever have a normal relationship. What decent woman wants a man who has produced porn for 9 years? A man who has had meaningless sex with dozens of “models”? A man who trashed the two serious relationships he’s had. And since most single women my age have children, just how much trust does it take to allow a man around one’s children who has done the things I’ve done? And even if SHE, whoever she may be, can trust me, what the hell is her child’s father going to think… going to say… going to DO… when he finds out who his ex is dating?
Know what I mean, Vern?
And on a side note… did you know that some of the things I’ve written on this very blog about my past, are self delusions? Sometimes I still don’t want to own up to what a total and complete ASS I was… so I sugar coat the details. Oh man, have I! Since surrendering my life to God I’ve discovered that I even delude myself, and am slowly uncovering for (admitting to?) myself just how big a “sinner” I really was. What a wretch! What a horrible wretch! (“wretch” seems to be the perfect, fitting word)
And then there’s sex… I’ve had a lot of it, with a lot of different women. And now that I’m a slave to God, and trying to honor His daughters, I’m somewhat afraid that my next wife will find me boring. “Boring?” you ask? Yes… boring. “Why would you think that, Donny?” Because I have a feeling that I’ll be so afraid of disrespecting my wife that I will be unwilling to be adventurous in any way whatsoever. Will anything beyond the basics result in flashbacks of my porn-producing past? At this point, if I were to guess, I’d say “yes”.
Wouldn’t it be a great story if God restored my marriage to Wendy? Sure, and I’ve heard from people all across the country about it: “I’m praying for you, Donny, that you and Wendy will be restored!” Great. So am I. So HAVE I. But, ya know, that’s probably not gonna happen. After all, I cheated on her multiple times, and hid from her the fact that I produced porn for 3 years BEHIND HER BACK before finally coming clean. What would that do to YOUR head, knowing your spouse was a lying, deceitful bastard for 3 years? All of the memories created during those years, for instance, wouldn’t mean a damned thing, now would they? Because every one of them would be built on a lie, wouldn’t they? Could YOU make yourself vulnerable to such a person again? Who would ask that of you, anyway? Forgiveness can be given, MUST be given. Making oneself vulnerable again, however, is not really a fair request to make.
In a very rare case of sharing detailed information from an interaction I’ve had with Wendy, let me post my own words, written to the mother of my son, in the not too distant past:
I don’t crave a relationship, but I do really want to have more kids, and I don’t want to be too old to enjoy them. I’ve had this romantic picture in my head of getting back together with you and working really hard to communicate and build a good life together. I love the thought of having more babies together… growing old with you… doing some traveling when kids are out of the house. And I KNOW our relationship could be totally healed and become what it should have been all along if you wanted that like I do. But you don’t, so I don’t know whether to keep waiting to see if you change your mind, or to believe you when you say you don’t want it. If I thought you were just saying that and being stubborn or protecting yourself from hurt I’d wait around as long as it took. But I don’t want to be the sad old man who is still waiting for a woman who really DOESN’T want to ever be with him. I was an idiot and a fool and a selfish ass… but I’ve learned. And I love you so very much and want to hold you in my arms all the time, and if I let myself think about that too much it would consume my thoughts.
So… if you do have any desire to ever talk about being a family again, I wish you’d just tell me. Yeah, that would make you vulnerable, but I’d sure appreciate it.
And since you’re all intelligent people, I’m sure you can surmise the current state of my relationship to Wendy. Yes, she’s my friend. She even works for me. Yes, we love each other… as friends, and as much as two people who have had a child together and then been split apart by divorce can love each other. But it is highly unlikely that we’ll ever be reconciled in marriage. Highly. Freakin’. Unlikely!
So what do I do? In the Bible, Paul tells us that he’d rather we remain single for life, as he was… and I could probably do that. But if you re-read that paragraph I just posted for you… that excerpt from an email to Wendy… well, I’m sure you can clearly see my preference. My son, Caden, is such an enormous joy in my life that I’d love to have more children. And the thought of Caden living in this world without siblings… just saddens me a little. Still, if remaining single is what God wants me to do I’ll be content with that, and serve Him as best I can. And that just might be the way things go, as these past two years have made it pretty clear that a restoration of our marriage really isn’t something Wendy wants, and while I am genuine in my desire to wait around to see if that changes, I sometimes wonder if my proclamation also serves to protect me from vulnerability. Opening oneself up to a new relationship with another person takes a lot of courage. Perhaps I lack that courage.
Don’t get the wrong idea, dear Constant Reader… I’m not spending my days and nights in angst, wondering if I’ll ever have another relationship again. It’s actually not something that consumes much of my time at all. Life is beautifully comfortable as it is. I am very spoiled.
But once in awhile…
And so I write. ‘Cause that’s just what I do when I need to clear my mind. And I invite you to put in your own two cents… of advice, sharing of personal experiences, or whatever you feel like posting.
Or just read and don’t post anything at all. I’m okay with that, too.