Donny's Ramblings

"I Am One of Those People Who Lost My Marriage Because of Porn"

2 Comments

While in porn world, I became intimately acquainted with the destruction that befalls those within the industry itself. What was foreign to me, however, was the pain my product caused in families all across this country. While traveling these past few years… I’ve been educated.

There’s not a single place I’ve spoken where a handful of people don’t come up to me after service to let me know they’ve lost their marriage to porn. I know I shouldn’t be shocked at this, but I am… because it never really crossed my mind as a producer.

And just what is it that so many of us have given up our families for? Is it the fantasy of a girl curled up in a ball in a corner, sucking her thumb because her mind is so blown by the scene she just did that she doesn’t know how to handle it, and therefore retreats to fetal position? Is it the thought of surgeries that must be performed to repair damages done to the body of a girl who has had multiple partners on screen? Is it the thought of a girl who lost a formerly-great relationship with her father when he was confronted with images of his daughter in positions so stomach-turning that he couldn’t look at her the same way anymore? Or perhaps it’s the fantasy of the numerous lost careers these college girls have given up once it’s learned that they’ve been “porn actresses” before?  Or… (how long should I go on listing the realities of the business… I can continue if you’d like).

Do we consider that every one of those actresses is somebody’s little girl?

Those stories in that last paragraph… THAT is the reality of porn. So many of us have bought into the lie that the fantasy we see in the final edited product is not only real, but incredibly appealing. We like that lie so much we’re willing to give up priceless treasures, our families and relationships, to indulge in it for a few moments here and there.  I’ve heard story after story, and they’re all basically the same:  one spouse chooses porn over the other spouse, time after time, and their relationship crumbles. In a majority of cases, men are the ones who make this choice.  But as I travel and speak I’ve heard from several women who have also been caught up in some porn fantasy or another.

This past weekend I spoke three times in Arkansas, on the outskirts of Little Rock.  The people were fantastic… so warm and friendly.  So much fun to be around.  The countryside was beautiful.  The accents brought a smile to my face, which I tried to hide to be honest with you.  The stories and questions were the same I’ve heard all across this land:

“I Am One of Those People Who Lost My Marriage Because of Porn”

“What if a couple really enjoys watching porn together?”

“Doesn’t our economy need the billions porn generates right now?”

“Donny, there are videos of me out there doing ____ and I’m afraid someone I know will ultimately see them!”

“I’ve never considered some of the things you’ve brought up before.  This has really helped me.”

“I started watching porn with my friends when we were 10 years old.  That interest has grown to the point where I’ve now done ______ “.

“Dude, my life is changed after today.”

“My marriage is about to end in divorce, and it’s because of my addiction to porn.”

We weren’t out on the streets talking to random strangers.  We were inside a church building during normal weekend services.  This weekend wasn’t unusual:  every church in which I’ve spoken brings about similar conversations.  I’ve heard some crazy things, let me tell ya.

Within even the most conservative church walls I’ve listened to confessions from people who have done things you’d never expect to hear, even including things done to animals, and these admissions aren’t from “those people out there” but from “these people in here”.  Why is that?  Could it possibly be because, for so long, the church has refused to talk much about pornography?  Doesn’t the Bible mention something about how sins that are kept in secret will grow into something much bigger?

I’m sure most churches mention pornography in passing, spending a few seconds listing it along with several other sins.  “Whew!  We got that one out of the way!” after such a glaze-over just isn’t going to cut it in these times when porn is so popular.  Yesterday, as I walked to my connecting flight through the airport in Dallas, I saw two teenage boys walking side by side, openly looking through Hustler magazine without trying to hide it.  And why not?  Our families all watch porn together from home nowadays, don’t we? …right on network television, albeit most network shows have just enough clothing on the actors to satisfy whoever it is that does the ratings these days. Hey, if it’s okay with even mom and dad, why can’t I walk through the airport beside my buddy with a porn mag open?

I’m very encouraged when churches do the type of thing Mercy’s Cross in Arkansas did this past weekend:  an entire weekend dedicated to being real about the topic of pornography, followed up with the creation of new accountability groups to continue the discussion, offering real help to all congregants, even those who don’t (or won’t admit to) deal with this particular “sin” in their life.  Bringing real life issues to light is the only way to win the battle against such.  Thank you, Mercy’s Cross, you are an encouragement.

Encourage your own church to follow suit, please.  It’s vital to address this stuff, my friends. If it’s not confronted it’s going to eat your families alive, I guarantee it!

—–
In the spirit of “Confronting the Elephant”, Mercy’s Cross had a few of these cutouts sitting in the audience. I loved it!
The Elephant In The Pew

2 thoughts on “"I Am One of Those People Who Lost My Marriage Because of Porn"

  1. Donny,

    Man…GREAT stuff! Your level of transparency is incredible and it is so clear to me that God is using all of your past to bring healing to other peoples’ lives, too. I just shared in my church a few weeks ago about the need to “get real” and to wash off those plastic Sunday smiles that most of us walk into church with each Sunday.

    Over and over I hear other pastors talk about the need to be transparent and then they say something like: “Sometimes…(sniff, sniff, tears) I’m…not very nice to my wife (boohoo)!”

    What a disgusting let-down. When I heard one particular pastor at a major conference say exactly that, I wanted to throw-up all over him! If that is the extent of his struggles, then I certainly shouldn’t share my issues with him. But here is what I think…he lacks the real courage that he needs to lead well in the area of transparency.

    Thank you for stepping up to bat and knocking it out of the park.

    I would love to connect with you if you are ever in Chicagoland.

    Peace,

    Neil Schori
    Lead Pastor, Naperville Christian Church

  2. Donny,
    Your visit this weekend to MCC totally changed my marriage and my realationship with my husband. Hearing your story allowed me to find forgiveness for him and his past with porn. I never really believed he could change but now I do believe it is possible. Thank you for being so honest and open with your past. I know that God will continue to bless you and your ministery. Thank you for giving me back the hope I once had for my marriage, you are truly a blessing!

    Your sister in Christ,
    Aubrey

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