Donny's Ramblings

If Porn’s a Problem In Your Married Life Read This

32 Comments

I’ve been fortunate enough to speak to more than 4 million people now.  I take it much more seriously today than I did when I first started in December 2006.  You see, back then it was all about “me”.   I was telling “my” story.  What God had done in “my” life.

But traveling and meeting you all has a way of changing things.  My perspective is much different today than it was then.  That’s part of the reason I don’t write as much as I used to write:  the more I learn, the more I realize I don’t really know all that much about – well – anything.  I’ve silenced myself for the most part because God has taken the ego down a notch or two and made it very clear that this ministry isn’t about me at all.  As cliche and “Christianese” as it sounds, my story is really God’s story.  What has happened in my life is literally an illustration that He can use ALL things for his good.

When a person has a purpose, when a person has a vision, when a person has a cause, well it’s just impossible to NOT be changed.  The Bible tells us that where there is no vision, God’s people perish.  I can tell you this:  the stories you all share with me strengthen me, teach me, make me see PURPOSE and give me a vision.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for emailing me.  Thank you for shaking my hand after I’ve come down off that stage where I stood in front of you sharing my “God story”.  If you struggle with porn or are affected by someone who does, my prayer for you is that you, too, will catch a vision and see the purpose for your own life.  You might be struggling now, but once you’ve conquered this issue God is going to use you to help someone else do the same.  That’s a big responsibility.  Please choose to live up to it. And please, I beg you, continue praying that I will be given the strength to live up to MY responsibilities as well.

Lots of people email me.  Sometimes I have something to offer.  Many times I don’t.  I’m not a counselor, and am in no position to give advice for many cases.

It’s particularly hard for me to answer emails from women who are in pain due to a husband’s porn addiction.  I don’t know what to say most of the time, and I also feel so much guilt for contributing to that cycle.  When these emails come in, I’ll sometimes ask Wendy for feedback.  Wendy, as you know if you’ve been reading for any length of time, is the amazing wife God gave me, the mother of my son,  whose heart I ripped to shreds with my lies, cheating, and involvement in porn production.  After all I’ve done to her, especially because of all I’ve done to her, even though my choices have resulted in her no longer holding the title of “wife”, I’m honored to call her my friend.  A very good friend.

When a woman recently emailed me asking for help… well, I’ll just let you read Amy’s email to me, followed by Wendy’s response.  The first time I read Wendy’s letter in church it helped save a marriage.  I hope you find it useful, too.  But first, the plea for help from “Amy”:

Hello Donny,

I first want to say that I just found your blog yesterday and I sat and wept at my kitchen table as I began to read the entries, one at a time from start to finish. You have chosen such an amazing journey and I have NO doubt that God will continue to bless you and your family as he has already started to do.

I’m not really sure where to begin so I guess I will just start here…I found out a little over a year ago that my husband is addicted to pornography. It is so overwhelming for me as I am just starting to learn how deep and dark these wounds are for a man, his wife, and their marriage. I struggle everyday with the fear of what’s next.

I know my God protects me. I know who I am in his eyes. But as confident as I am in that…my husbands addiction is stripping away all that I am. I feel that I am alone in this fight because I have not really found anyone who understands or can guide and support me in the decisions and choices I need to make in order to cope with this reality.

I want to be the wife that I feel in my heart that God has called me to be…I just have no idea how right now. I have been touched by your entries about your ex wife Wendy and all that the two of you have been through. She seems like a woman who has been through it and come out in a stronger place because of it.

My question is this…does she have a blog or email that she makes public? Does she, in any way, support wives who are dealing with this issue? I am really just looking for any kind of support from women that I can get. I want to know there are strong women praying for my husband and I. I want to know there is someone I can turn to when the heart ache and sadness seem like the only things that are certain in my life.

If she has nothing like this, do you have any suggestions for a wife who needs support? It seems like the wives are a lost casualty in this war…there isn’t much out there for us that I have found so far. We are from the (location removed) area so maybe you know of some things that I don’t.

I appreciate all the help you can give.

Keep up the fight…you are truly a blessed and courageous man of God.

Thanks for your honesty.

It’s been more than 7 years since Wendy and I divorced, but I think you can see the emotions still present when you read her response, which I’m about to share with you.  Pay attention to capitalization, multiple question marks, and exclamation marks.  PLEASE note that Wendy realizes this probably isn’t what God would want her to say.  But her words brought a man to repentance before God after he heard me read this aloud.  He’d heard similar things from his wife, but said hearing it from someone else brought it home for him.  This letter has had an impact on many people.  I’ve had numerous requests for a copy of it to be emailed to them.  I decided to share it with all of you.

Here is Wendy’s reply:

Donny,

You don’t understand….It hurts SOOOO much just to read this letter….and all I feel like I could give her is to say run…run RUN! Run away, far away. It’s adultery in the most painful form. It’s ongoing because it’s not a “real” affair. So it’s like trying to work through a marriage one sided. While he’s having this continual affair, you’re trying to work through it…how is that fair?? Tell me….HOW IS THAT OKAY?

How can I try to give women tools to work through it? How can I tell them to try to rebuild something with someone who is not doing their part? It’s so one sided. All I would want to tell these women is to leave. And, that isn’t right, God needs to deal with each situation on an individual basis and they need to hear from Him what they’re supposed to do.

How can their marriage survive???? To me, it can’t. If he doesn’t quit it will tear them apart. How come this should be her burden is what I wonder? The very thing he’s stabbing her heart with and tearing their family apart with and their children or whomever, is the very thing she’s supposed to help him through? As “christians” is that what we are supposed to do? Stand by his side and be a faithful warrior on his behalf when he is so selfish he would sacrifice his wife and children for photographs and fantasy???

I truly don’t even know. I don’t get it….. i just don’t get it. Her statement “my husbands addiction is stripping away all that I am” and “it seems like wives are a lost casualty in this war” kill me. Because I know. For me, divorcing you and getting out of all of it, was freedom, I didn’t have to continue being torn apart. I could get strong and rebuild my life. When you’re in it, your heart is ripped to shreds over and over and over again, I don’t know how to counsel someone who is going through that.

I’m angry and I have no understanding for this level of selfishness. Who knows, maybe if wives left their husbands men would see reality. The reality of the fact that it’s an affair and their wives shouldn’t have to put up with the abuse just like they shouldn’t have to put up with it if he were physically abusing them. How is it different? Emotional wounds hurt more than physical ones. Let him have his porn because that is obviously what he wants and he can’t have both.

I just don’t have the answers at this point, read in the OT when Israel was unfaithful to God, read what He did and see if you get any insight.

Wendy

Ladies, if you’ve been hurt by your husband’s porn use, you’re not alone. Your hurt is NOT unique. Porn IS an affair.

Men, what are we doing to the women God’s given us to protect, love and cherish? HE has given us his daughters. Like any good daddy, He wants us to treat them right. Can we do so? Can we show that with our actions?

And those girls on that DVD or computer screen? Yeah, they’re God’s daughters too. Can we please start treating them like the Princesses they are?

32 thoughts on “If Porn’s a Problem In Your Married Life Read This

  1. Very powerful, thanks for sharing her letter Donny. Makes me wonder if by one of the conditions of divorce in the bible being adultry, does this count?
    Bruce

  2. Very powerful, thanks for sharing her letter Donny. Makes me wonder if by one of the conditions of divorce in the bible being adultry, does this count?
    Bruce

  3. Donny, thank you for this blog. I am an ex-wife of a man who was addicted to pornography. I am only “ex” because my husband took his sin to a place far beyond the computer screen, and is currently facing some pretty heavy consequences. But what I wanted to share with you was this … I still wear my wedding ring. I’ve been separated for over two years, and divorced for one. The only reason I divorced my husband was to protect our son, and get full custody of him while my husband worked out his “issues.” I’ve never stopped loving my husband, despite his addictions, his sin, and his lifestyle. But God has very clear standards on how we are to handle other believers when they refuse to repent.

    I’ve sought out counsel from my Pastor and Elders, and I am on “stand by” to see where the Lord will take us. He continues to live in denial, and hopes to get out of his consequences, but deep down inside I know he’s dying. He’s lost his wife, his home, and custody of his son, and soon, possibly a lot more. Everyone has their “breaking limit” – some are deeper than others.

    But the bottom line is this, Christ died for ALL of us while we were STILL sinners. You CAN NOT get through the Bible without reading God’s desire to reconcile his people to himself! Forgiveness is at the core of his Word, without it, we would be hopeless, without salvation. How can we as wives accept forgiveness from the Lord, and yet withhold it from our husbands. Our sin is just as “dirty” as theirs. Our hatred, jealousy, anger, bitterness, pride, and unforgiveness. God says if we are angry with a brother, it’s as bad as murder in our heart. He also says if we don’t forgive others, he will NOT forgive us.

    I truly believe that beneath every angry ex-wife is a woman crying out for forgiveness for herself. She’s been betrayed, and she’s returned evil for evil. Not because she wants to, but because she’s reacting out of her natural instincts.

    I am so blessed that I went through Pure Life’s OCH Program, where they walked me through God’s Word and showed me how my own sin was just as appauling to Christ as my husband’s. How I needed to seek forgiveness, and repent for my own actions. And they did this because they loved me enough to want to see me set free from a life of bitterness.

    I don’t know what my future holds, but I do know that my daily prayer is for restoration with my ex-husband. But I must wait for him to work his salvation out. He must come to his senses, and realize how he has sinned against His Maker. But until that day, my ultimate desire is to see him healed and set free from the enemies lies.

    I’ve got my personal testimony up here: http://www.tri-citychurch.com/Podcast/Testimony.mp3 please let any of the women that you come across seeking counsel or help this link, and my email if they would like it. I also have a web site at http://www.keep-your-fork.com – I’m NOT a counselor. But I am a wife who has walked this journey and come out of it a stronger more loving person because of God’s grace, and I’d love to share God’s love with others that will accept it!

    Enjoying my freedom in Christ,
    Jenn

    • Jenn,

      I think sometimes people confuse the refusal to reconcile with unforgiveness. My case is a good example. Wendy says she forgives me. We’re not reconciled. God doesn’t ask that of her. Forgiveness doesn’t mean she must go back to a person who hurt her so deeply and become vulnerable again. I WISH she would, but she definitely has no expectation to do so.

      Also, forgiveness and living with abuse are two different things. Forgiveness does not mean acceptance. After someone has been wounded there is pain and healing to be done as with any wound – this also does not mean forgiveness has not taken place. Pointing out / discussing / reacting to the pain doesn’t necessarily mean the person expressing it refuses to look at the sin in their own life.

      I’m sure you didn’t mean any of that, but I wanted to mention it anyway, for clarity.

  4. Donny, thank you for this blog. I am an ex-wife of a man who was addicted to pornography. I am only “ex” because my husband took his sin to a place far beyond the computer screen, and is currently facing some pretty heavy consequences. But what I wanted to share with you was this … I still wear my wedding ring. I’ve been separated for over two years, and divorced for one. The only reason I divorced my husband was to protect our son, and get full custody of him while my husband worked out his “issues.” I’ve never stopped loving my husband, despite his addictions, his sin, and his lifestyle. But God has very clear standards on how we are to handle other believers when they refuse to repent.

    I’ve sought out counsel from my Pastor and Elders, and I am on “stand by” to see where the Lord will take us. He continues to live in denial, and hopes to get out of his consequences, but deep down inside I know he’s dying. He’s lost his wife, his home, and custody of his son, and soon, possibly a lot more. Everyone has their “breaking limit” – some are deeper than others.

    But the bottom line is this, Christ died for ALL of us while we were STILL sinners. You CAN NOT get through the Bible without reading God’s desire to reconcile his people to himself! Forgiveness is at the core of his Word, without it, we would be hopeless, without salvation. How can we as wives accept forgiveness from the Lord, and yet withhold it from our husbands. Our sin is just as “dirty” as theirs. Our hatred, jealousy, anger, bitterness, pride, and unforgiveness. God says if we are angry with a brother, it’s as bad as murder in our heart. He also says if we don’t forgive others, he will NOT forgive us.

    I truly believe that beneath every angry ex-wife is a woman crying out for forgiveness for herself. She’s been betrayed, and she’s returned evil for evil. Not because she wants to, but because she’s reacting out of her natural instincts.

    I am so blessed that I went through Pure Life’s OCH Program, where they walked me through God’s Word and showed me how my own sin was just as appauling to Christ as my husband’s. How I needed to seek forgiveness, and repent for my own actions. And they did this because they loved me enough to want to see me set free from a life of bitterness.

    I don’t know what my future holds, but I do know that my daily prayer is for restoration with my ex-husband. But I must wait for him to work his salvation out. He must come to his senses, and realize how he has sinned against His Maker. But until that day, my ultimate desire is to see him healed and set free from the enemies lies.

    I’ve got my personal testimony up here: http://www.tri-citychurch.com/Podcast/Testimony.mp3 please let any of the women that you come across seeking counsel or help this link, and my email if they would like it. I also have a web site at http://www.keep-your-fork.com – I’m NOT a counselor. But I am a wife who has walked this journey and come out of it a stronger more loving person because of God’s grace, and I’d love to share God’s love with others that will accept it!

    Enjoying my freedom in Christ,
    Jenn

    • Jenn,

      I think sometimes people confuse the refusal to reconcile with unforgiveness. My case is a good example. Wendy says she forgives me. We’re not reconciled. God doesn’t ask that of her. Forgiveness doesn’t mean she must go back to a person who hurt her so deeply and become vulnerable again. I WISH she would, but she definitely has no expectation to do so.

      Also, forgiveness and living with abuse are two different things. Forgiveness does not mean acceptance. After someone has been wounded there is pain and healing to be done as with any wound – this also does not mean forgiveness has not taken place. Pointing out / discussing / reacting to the pain doesn’t necessarily mean the person expressing it refuses to look at the sin in their own life.

      I’m sure you didn’t mean any of that, but I wanted to mention it anyway, for clarity.

  5. probably the strongest word I have read in this entry is, “Porn is an affair.”

    • Thanks Donny. No, you’re right, God does not force us to reconcile, and God does give us the right to divorce if there is adultery. You’re absolutely right! Yes, the pain of adultery goes so deep – when God said that we become “one flesh” with another, and then that one flesh is torn apart, you are no longer left with two flesh like how they entered, you are left with one torn flesh in two. (if that makes sense)

      What I wanted to share from my heart is this, and I believe my situation is a bit backwards in that I’ve already dealt with the pain of my husbands porn addiction and adultery, and God has completely healed my heart from any bitterness, anger, or resentment. I am now waiting and praying that the Lord would grant my husband repentance (II Timothy 2) that would lead him to salvation and the possible restoration of our marriage. Usually it’s the man who repents and then tries to win back his spouse – but God has already prepared me for restoration if it happens.

      I’ve listened to so many testimonies and here is what the Lord has shown me, while my husband and I had a good marriage, and our marriage bed was pure, we led no one to Christ. We were involved with many worldly things, we owned an airplane and would fly off for lunch when we wanted, we had a beautiful house on an acre with a waterfall pool, we had retirement accounts, a beautiful child, everything a person could want in this world – but our faith was weak, and we were lukewarm at best. Now that I’ve got through the pain of my husband’s adultery, and been stripped of everything worldly (had to sell our house, our plane, I’m currently divorced with full custody of our child), my faith is ALIVE and more passionate than ever! I have allowed the Lord to use my husband’s sin to bring me to a place of utter surrender under His will. I have let go of my rights, my dreams of the picket fence mentality, and my desire to reach out and lead others to the Lord burns within me daily!

      I look at couples like Steve and Kathy Gallagher, Rose and Jeff Colon – both from Pure Life, both made it through the fires of adultery, drugs, pornography and everything that goes with it, and they too, before all this, had a dead faith, but once they allowed God to heal their hearts, and they came back together, they are now saving hundreds to possibly thousands of lost souls to the Lord. I am one of them. I am fruit of their forgiveness to each other. Because they allowed the Lord to USE their pain to bring GOD glory, I am headed off to ministry myself! I went to one of their speaking engagements and saw 75% of the room get up and respond to an alter call because they shared their testimony of healing and restoration! There is power when one can forgive to the point that they can take back what the Lord had brought together and the enemy divided.

      Just because we have permission to divorce, doesn’t mean it’s God’s best will for us. He HATES divorce. I can’t stop thinking of how beautiful the Colon’s and Gallaghers marriage is now because of both of them utterly giving themselves up to the Lord.

      That’s what I wanted to share. There are so many stories (the pharasee and the tax collector, (Luke 18:9-14) or the story of debts being forgiven (Matthew 18:21-35) or the story of the adulterous (John 8:7). I could go on and on. God said that in this world we will have pain and not to be surprised by it! (1 Peter 4) Our days of no pain, sorrow or tears comes when we are in the presence of our Lord, not now.

      Any how, that’s all. Sometimes I just think people get so caught up in their pain, that we can’t see that God has allowed it to help us – Like Job said, “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you (Job). Job knew God before when life was good, but when all those good things were taken away, Job was actually able to SEE God! I’ve experienced that myself! When we allow God to use that pain to draw us closer to HIM, great and mighty things can blossom!

      Jeff Colon wrote a book that is very inspiring – From Ashes to Beauty http://www.purelifeministries.org/books-dvds

      I would encourage anyone who is struggling with the issue of pain from adultery that they get and read this book!

      True healing comes when we let go – just as Christ did at the Cross. He died for us WHILE WE WERE YET SINNERS – what a beautiful picture it is when we can forgive someone when they haven’t even asked for it!

      My husband has shown no desire to repent, and for now, I’ve left him in God’s hands. I still wear my wedding ring, and continue to wait on the Lord for a miracle. If everything I’ve gone through can lead to my husband and I one day being on stage and leading others to Christ through our testimony, it was worth the pain! I would NEVER turn back – my love for Christ – my desire to please Him above all else – it’s a whole new joyful life for me!

      -Jenn

  6. probably the strongest word I have read in this entry is, “Porn is an affair.”

    • Thanks Donny. No, you’re right, God does not force us to reconcile, and God does give us the right to divorce if there is adultery. You’re absolutely right! Yes, the pain of adultery goes so deep – when God said that we become “one flesh” with another, and then that one flesh is torn apart, you are no longer left with two flesh like how they entered, you are left with one torn flesh in two. (if that makes sense)

      What I wanted to share from my heart is this, and I believe my situation is a bit backwards in that I’ve already dealt with the pain of my husbands porn addiction and adultery, and God has completely healed my heart from any bitterness, anger, or resentment. I am now waiting and praying that the Lord would grant my husband repentance (II Timothy 2) that would lead him to salvation and the possible restoration of our marriage. Usually it’s the man who repents and then tries to win back his spouse – but God has already prepared me for restoration if it happens.

      I’ve listened to so many testimonies and here is what the Lord has shown me, while my husband and I had a good marriage, and our marriage bed was pure, we led no one to Christ. We were involved with many worldly things, we owned an airplane and would fly off for lunch when we wanted, we had a beautiful house on an acre with a waterfall pool, we had retirement accounts, a beautiful child, everything a person could want in this world – but our faith was weak, and we were lukewarm at best. Now that I’ve got through the pain of my husband’s adultery, and been stripped of everything worldly (had to sell our house, our plane, I’m currently divorced with full custody of our child), my faith is ALIVE and more passionate than ever! I have allowed the Lord to use my husband’s sin to bring me to a place of utter surrender under His will. I have let go of my rights, my dreams of the picket fence mentality, and my desire to reach out and lead others to the Lord burns within me daily!

      I look at couples like Steve and Kathy Gallagher, Rose and Jeff Colon – both from Pure Life, both made it through the fires of adultery, drugs, pornography and everything that goes with it, and they too, before all this, had a dead faith, but once they allowed God to heal their hearts, and they came back together, they are now saving hundreds to possibly thousands of lost souls to the Lord. I am one of them. I am fruit of their forgiveness to each other. Because they allowed the Lord to USE their pain to bring GOD glory, I am headed off to ministry myself! I went to one of their speaking engagements and saw 75% of the room get up and respond to an alter call because they shared their testimony of healing and restoration! There is power when one can forgive to the point that they can take back what the Lord had brought together and the enemy divided.

      Just because we have permission to divorce, doesn’t mean it’s God’s best will for us. He HATES divorce. I can’t stop thinking of how beautiful the Colon’s and Gallaghers marriage is now because of both of them utterly giving themselves up to the Lord.

      That’s what I wanted to share. There are so many stories (the pharasee and the tax collector, (Luke 18:9-14) or the story of debts being forgiven (Matthew 18:21-35) or the story of the adulterous (John 8:7). I could go on and on. God said that in this world we will have pain and not to be surprised by it! (1 Peter 4) Our days of no pain, sorrow or tears comes when we are in the presence of our Lord, not now.

      Any how, that’s all. Sometimes I just think people get so caught up in their pain, that we can’t see that God has allowed it to help us – Like Job said, “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you (Job). Job knew God before when life was good, but when all those good things were taken away, Job was actually able to SEE God! I’ve experienced that myself! When we allow God to use that pain to draw us closer to HIM, great and mighty things can blossom!

      Jeff Colon wrote a book that is very inspiring – From Ashes to Beauty http://www.purelifeministries.org/books-dvds

      I would encourage anyone who is struggling with the issue of pain from adultery that they get and read this book!

      True healing comes when we let go – just as Christ did at the Cross. He died for us WHILE WE WERE YET SINNERS – what a beautiful picture it is when we can forgive someone when they haven’t even asked for it!

      My husband has shown no desire to repent, and for now, I’ve left him in God’s hands. I still wear my wedding ring, and continue to wait on the Lord for a miracle. If everything I’ve gone through can lead to my husband and I one day being on stage and leading others to Christ through our testimony, it was worth the pain! I would NEVER turn back – my love for Christ – my desire to please Him above all else – it’s a whole new joyful life for me!

      -Jenn

  7. Here’s a great study on Unforgiveness… http://www.greatbiblestudy.com/unforgiveness_poison.php Sin … is sin … to God. We must all account for our own actions … in God’s eyes, unforgiveness is as unacceptable as adultery. We need to repent of both – and if we do, the freedom and grace that awaits us is beautiful! We can’t just point fingers… we must give an account for our own reactions and attitudes! This is the greatest thing the Lord has impressed upon me this last year! The Lord tells us to EXPECT persecution and hardships on this earth – they make us stronger – if we let them! Just like when silver is being refined, the heat melts away all the impurities in us, anger, hate, sexual sin – it’s all in the pot together! We must not only take those things off, but then put on the new self, love, patience, forgiveness, patience, etc. Oh how I pray for all of us to seek God’s face and to ask him to search our own hearts to see if there be any wicked way in us! When I do, I always have an umbrella because I know a thunderstorms coming! My heart is just as wicked as the next and my sin must be repented of daily! Pride, luke warm attitudes… oh how we must be in constant vigilance so that the enemy won’t get a foothold on our hearts!

  8. Here’s a great study on Unforgiveness… http://www.greatbiblestudy.com/unforgiveness_poison.php Sin … is sin … to God. We must all account for our own actions … in God’s eyes, unforgiveness is as unacceptable as adultery. We need to repent of both – and if we do, the freedom and grace that awaits us is beautiful! We can’t just point fingers… we must give an account for our own reactions and attitudes! This is the greatest thing the Lord has impressed upon me this last year! The Lord tells us to EXPECT persecution and hardships on this earth – they make us stronger – if we let them! Just like when silver is being refined, the heat melts away all the impurities in us, anger, hate, sexual sin – it’s all in the pot together! We must not only take those things off, but then put on the new self, love, patience, forgiveness, patience, etc. Oh how I pray for all of us to seek God’s face and to ask him to search our own hearts to see if there be any wicked way in us! When I do, I always have an umbrella because I know a thunderstorms coming! My heart is just as wicked as the next and my sin must be repented of daily! Pride, luke warm attitudes… oh how we must be in constant vigilance so that the enemy won’t get a foothold on our hearts!

  9. My facebook page automatically reposts articles I put on this blog. If you’d also like to read the comments on it click on the “notes” tab:

    http://www.facebook.com/donnypauling

  10. My facebook page automatically reposts articles I put on this blog. If you’d also like to read the comments on it click on the “notes” tab:

    http://www.facebook.com/donnypauling

  11. Hi Donny: I have to tell you I’ve missed not reading as much Donny’s Ramblings, but I certainly understand your explanation why you haven’t been led to express your “ramblings” as much as in the past. I have loved watching/reading your progress in the Lord!!

    Thanks for sharing this blog espcially. I believe it’s good for wives to read it and apply any husband’s rebellious sin in place of porn. Yes, porn is awful, but as Jenn has said ever so clearly, it’s just one sin with another. Oh that we all could see our own sins as God sees them – totally equal and ugly, totally rebellious against Him. How we need His grace and power within to keep walking on!

    I’m sharing your words with my loved ones and pray and trust God will speak to hearts as you have spoken to mine. Thanks so much for your testimony bringing much glory and honor to Almighty, Creator God! Love it! Love you!

  12. Hi Donny: I have to tell you I’ve missed not reading as much Donny’s Ramblings, but I certainly understand your explanation why you haven’t been led to express your “ramblings” as much as in the past. I have loved watching/reading your progress in the Lord!!

    Thanks for sharing this blog espcially. I believe it’s good for wives to read it and apply any husband’s rebellious sin in place of porn. Yes, porn is awful, but as Jenn has said ever so clearly, it’s just one sin with another. Oh that we all could see our own sins as God sees them – totally equal and ugly, totally rebellious against Him. How we need His grace and power within to keep walking on!

    I’m sharing your words with my loved ones and pray and trust God will speak to hearts as you have spoken to mine. Thanks so much for your testimony bringing much glory and honor to Almighty, Creator God! Love it! Love you!

  13. Unfortunately many marriages are hurt by this problem today. I’ve read in some surveys over half of divorces mention pornography as a contributing factor. Amazing.

    You might like this video about one couple who fought through this issue:

  14. Unfortunately many marriages are hurt by this problem today. I’ve read in some surveys over half of divorces mention pornography as a contributing factor. Amazing.

    You might like this video about one couple who fought through this issue:

  15. Jesus gives an exception for divorce in the case of sexual immorality transalted porniea, I believe our Lord is about relationship, and He knows what the injured party would have to go through even if the one who is immoral repented. so he gives us an option, not a command. The failure of most of us to understand the marriage realtionship we have with the Lord, is examplified in how we treat our spouses ie porn, affairs etc. We are in a covenent with one who gave His life inplace of our sin fulness, we are the prostitute of the book of Hosea, and yes even God divorced Israel for her rebellion and unfaithfullnes. He will not be taken Israel back until she repents and declares Him Lord. Addressing the men , their greatest sin is unbelief, not trusting what God says is good and pure and not bringing their evil deeds to the light so he could heal them, we should all understand that we have all been guilty of that on some level. Nevertheless, we as wives are not victims, we are married to the Lord He is our Husband, provider and lover of our souls. If we remain victims hurt and wounded we are guilty of the same root sin as the men, unbelief that jesus can heal and restore us seperatee from the man. I believe weve lost the church discipline to deal with these matters the way the bible says, so most of us are on our own. I also think that we as women need to stand for morality in marriage(make sure ur living it ladies) and take the option Jesus offers, when there is true repentance, you can restore in the power of God. I myself am leaving, depending on the lord for my self worth and esteem and remaining pure in heart, if my husband repents we will move towards restoration, if not im whole and healed by jesus stripes. and my life will go on, may we walk in the forgiveness and love that has been given to us by our Lord, theresa

  16. Jesus gives an exception for divorce in the case of sexual immorality transalted porniea, I believe our Lord is about relationship, and He knows what the injured party would have to go through even if the one who is immoral repented. so he gives us an option, not a command. The failure of most of us to understand the marriage realtionship we have with the Lord, is examplified in how we treat our spouses ie porn, affairs etc. We are in a covenent with one who gave His life inplace of our sin fulness, we are the prostitute of the book of Hosea, and yes even God divorced Israel for her rebellion and unfaithfullnes. He will not be taken Israel back until she repents and declares Him Lord. Addressing the men , their greatest sin is unbelief, not trusting what God says is good and pure and not bringing their evil deeds to the light so he could heal them, we should all understand that we have all been guilty of that on some level. Nevertheless, we as wives are not victims, we are married to the Lord He is our Husband, provider and lover of our souls. If we remain victims hurt and wounded we are guilty of the same root sin as the men, unbelief that jesus can heal and restore us seperatee from the man. I believe weve lost the church discipline to deal with these matters the way the bible says, so most of us are on our own. I also think that we as women need to stand for morality in marriage(make sure ur living it ladies) and take the option Jesus offers, when there is true repentance, you can restore in the power of God. I myself am leaving, depending on the lord for my self worth and esteem and remaining pure in heart, if my husband repents we will move towards restoration, if not im whole and healed by jesus stripes. and my life will go on, may we walk in the forgiveness and love that has been given to us by our Lord, theresa

  17. amen to the last couple writers.

    In 2007, my husband decided to start an affair online w/ someone he was in an online class with, followed by meeting her in person a month later.

    Thankfully, I found out the day he came back from visiting her (he had said he was going to see his parent). I left 2 days later and traveled states away with our daughter who would be turning 1 a month later.

    For almost 2 months we were separated. He rarely ever called to talk to his daughter, he missed her first birthday, he told me horrible things on the phone about what he did w/ this girl and how he felt about her supposedly and even that he no longer believed in God. I was so devastated, I would pray for God to take my life. How horrible of a mother I must be if her dad didn’t want to be with me and how I had taken her away from him. Just to back track, I had left those 2 days later because he told me he wasn’t going to stop seeing her, etc. I didn’t know how to function being in that home. I literally felt like my heart was on the ground and I could barely get up the next days to take care of our daughter. I had to leave to be able to function for our child. So I left to go back to where my parents live.

    During these 2 months, he sunk deeper and deeper into his “hole”. When we did decide to get back together, it was the hardest decision I think I’ve made in my life. Looking back, there were things we should of done differently, such as us doing therapy while separated, etc rather then just getting back together so quickly…but due to him living in another state and probably just the heightened emotions of the moment from seeing each other, I chose to go back, states away from the comfort & security of my family, to try to make things work…I would cry every single day. For the pain he caused, what he did, and b/c I was so scared and didn’t know what my future would hold. I also got pregnant right away with our 2nd child. I thought about abortion b/c I was so afraid of being a single mom to two and not being able to provide b/c if my husband slipped again, there would be no way I’d give him a 2nd chance…but I put my trust in the Lord. This was the first time in my life that I started to learn what it meant to trust in the Lord.

    Almost every single day for about a year, I cried. Our home life was MISERABLE. He even got let go from his job 3 months after we got back together due to him being so caught up in his affair that he not only let his family go, but his job. All he had cared about was her. Here he had his family barely hanging on by a thread, a pregnant wife, and no job.

    I also want to mention that the girl found out she had herpes right after sleeping with him. He did get tested and so did I, but thankfully, now 3 yrs after that time, he has never had anything show up (on him or in a test) and neither have I. I prayed continuously about this, for the Lord to at least protect me and my child so we didn’t have to suffer for his sins in that way. I obviously feel the Lord has kept us protected…

    So, when we were reaching our 1 yr, he started to feel convicted about some other stuff…I wouldn’t come to know everything but a little at a time…talk about ripping open a healing wound and making it even more deeper then it already was…but, about a year later, he confessed to me some more details about the time period (like taking her to our home, after I had left him, and sleeping w/ her in our bed…he had told me that he didn’t do this….thankfully we had sold that bed when we moved for his new job). I reacted w/ a right hand hook to his jaw. Ha!

    Then about 3-4 months after that, he came upon a video by the Speeds: http://www.paulspeed.com/…and after watching it, decided to tell me about how he has had a porn addiction pretty much since he was a young teen. How he fantasized (even after the affair) about the porn, about our neighbors, even the girl he slept with, and…even one of my best friends!

    I had absolutely no clue he was viewing porn and masturbating so much. No clue. Pornography grew into much more–adultery. Which tends to be the result with most men (whether it’s adultery, homosexuality, hookers, etc).

    Anyways, a couple months later he joined Prodigals and he is now a year into sobriety. That means no pornography, affairs, etc. We are now 3 yrs from when he had his affair.

    Today I can say that while I forgive him for what he has done, I’m not in love with him. I grieve almost daily for the life I don’t have that I deserved…I grieve for the person I lost and who I’ve become…I even grieve for the things he’s missed out on due to being so caught up in his sin, like missing his daughters 1st birthday–something he’ll never get to have a memory of. I grieve for so much.

    BUT, I DO believe the Lord will restore my heart and is slowly restoring it…I have been learning so much about myself, about how I am broken. My husband has changed a lot since Prodigals. He’s learned so much about himself, why he was doing what he was doing, what he’s done to me, etc.

    It would be so easy for me to walk away from this marriage. SO dang easy. I can’t tell you how often I have thought about it and still do. I love my husband, but am not in love and I grieve for how much he’s pained me…Heck, I’ve thought about suicide so many times b/c I have HATED the anger I feel, how horrible of a mom I can be due to the anger, etc. I’ve screamed in such hate that I swear I’ve seen red from the hate I’ve felt towards him…so much that I’ve felt possessed b/c of just the extreme intensity of the anger I’ve felt.

    We are working on this marriage though, as we are working on ourselves…I know love can be restored. We don’t have to feel in love to stay in a marriage. I trust in my God that he will restore the love that was there and make it even more and that this relationship will be even even better one…I’m slowly getting there and that’s why I feel that way.

    My husband & I both have talked about one day being able to minister together…For so long, I’ve dealt with my situation by myself b/c this stuff is not openly talked about. Reading that woman’s letter made my heart pang…While I can understand your ex wife’s hurt, I do not agree w/ her. There needs to be more women who have stuck it through and come along side wives that are barely hanging in there…maybe that could of helped your ex wife? However, please do not think I’m discrediting anything your ex went through. I can’t say what I would of done in her shoes. All I’m saying is that there needs to be others coming along side and saying “HEY! I went through this and your pain is ok and it’s normal and you can do this! If you want to make your marriage work, let me help keep you encourage”…so I am saying this in regards to the women who want someone to encourage them that YES, it is ABSOLUTELY possible for your marriage to be restored and made EVEN better! Can I promise that? NO! But you just put your trust in the Lord and take it day by day….YES, I do think separation should occur when sin like that is not being dealt with…but to say divorce when this woman who wrote you is so raw and just wanting to have someone tell her what she should do, I don’t think is a good idea…Especially considering what this woman REALLY wants another woman to say, who has been in similar shoes– “honey, keep hanging in there if that’s what you feel you should do…trust in the Lord and YES, he CAN change your husband”. No, you’re not making her have false hope, but you are encouraging her to trust in the restoration that God CAN and DOES bring.

    Anyways, I’m VERY proud of my husband & I for sticking in there…He has dealt with verbal abuse from me for the past 3 years and I’ve dealt with all the pain and “what will never be” that’s he’s caused, for the past 3 yrs. It is ABSOLUTELY by the grace of God that we are still together. We want to be a testimony to Him…we want to be an encouragement for other marriages b/c this is a COMMON problem. If everyone gave up, broken homes would be all we know.

    I’m not saying divorce is not an option. But, I am saying that divorce doesn’t have to be the answer.

    Donny, I would love to be of any help if a woman reads this and is still hanging in there with her marriage and just needs that encouragement. I’ve been there and am still there.

    I’m very thankful that I have stayed. I’ve been on the ground with a bottle of pills in my hand, tears streaming down while I can barely breath, wanting to end the pain and my suffering–just wanting to stop seeing my husband, to have to stop choosing DAILY to keep living my life with him, but I can say that the Lord was beside me with his hand on me, comforting me, and pulling me closer to him…

    Good for you, Donny, for getting sober. Praise the lord. Just as I said what my husband & I hope for our marriage to be, this is what your blog is–a testimony and encouragement to others who are battling what you have.

  18. amen to the last couple writers.

    In 2007, my husband decided to start an affair online w/ someone he was in an online class with, followed by meeting her in person a month later.

    Thankfully, I found out the day he came back from visiting her (he had said he was going to see his parent). I left 2 days later and traveled states away with our daughter who would be turning 1 a month later.

    For almost 2 months we were separated. He rarely ever called to talk to his daughter, he missed her first birthday, he told me horrible things on the phone about what he did w/ this girl and how he felt about her supposedly and even that he no longer believed in God. I was so devastated, I would pray for God to take my life. How horrible of a mother I must be if her dad didn’t want to be with me and how I had taken her away from him. Just to back track, I had left those 2 days later because he told me he wasn’t going to stop seeing her, etc. I didn’t know how to function being in that home. I literally felt like my heart was on the ground and I could barely get up the next days to take care of our daughter. I had to leave to be able to function for our child. So I left to go back to where my parents live.

    During these 2 months, he sunk deeper and deeper into his “hole”. When we did decide to get back together, it was the hardest decision I think I’ve made in my life. Looking back, there were things we should of done differently, such as us doing therapy while separated, etc rather then just getting back together so quickly…but due to him living in another state and probably just the heightened emotions of the moment from seeing each other, I chose to go back, states away from the comfort & security of my family, to try to make things work…I would cry every single day. For the pain he caused, what he did, and b/c I was so scared and didn’t know what my future would hold. I also got pregnant right away with our 2nd child. I thought about abortion b/c I was so afraid of being a single mom to two and not being able to provide b/c if my husband slipped again, there would be no way I’d give him a 2nd chance…but I put my trust in the Lord. This was the first time in my life that I started to learn what it meant to trust in the Lord.

    Almost every single day for about a year, I cried. Our home life was MISERABLE. He even got let go from his job 3 months after we got back together due to him being so caught up in his affair that he not only let his family go, but his job. All he had cared about was her. Here he had his family barely hanging on by a thread, a pregnant wife, and no job.

    I also want to mention that the girl found out she had herpes right after sleeping with him. He did get tested and so did I, but thankfully, now 3 yrs after that time, he has never had anything show up (on him or in a test) and neither have I. I prayed continuously about this, for the Lord to at least protect me and my child so we didn’t have to suffer for his sins in that way. I obviously feel the Lord has kept us protected…

    So, when we were reaching our 1 yr, he started to feel convicted about some other stuff…I wouldn’t come to know everything but a little at a time…talk about ripping open a healing wound and making it even more deeper then it already was…but, about a year later, he confessed to me some more details about the time period (like taking her to our home, after I had left him, and sleeping w/ her in our bed…he had told me that he didn’t do this….thankfully we had sold that bed when we moved for his new job). I reacted w/ a right hand hook to his jaw. Ha!

    Then about 3-4 months after that, he came upon a video by the Speeds: http://www.paulspeed.com/…and after watching it, decided to tell me about how he has had a porn addiction pretty much since he was a young teen. How he fantasized (even after the affair) about the porn, about our neighbors, even the girl he slept with, and…even one of my best friends!

    I had absolutely no clue he was viewing porn and masturbating so much. No clue. Pornography grew into much more–adultery. Which tends to be the result with most men (whether it’s adultery, homosexuality, hookers, etc).

    Anyways, a couple months later he joined Prodigals and he is now a year into sobriety. That means no pornography, affairs, etc. We are now 3 yrs from when he had his affair.

    Today I can say that while I forgive him for what he has done, I’m not in love with him. I grieve almost daily for the life I don’t have that I deserved…I grieve for the person I lost and who I’ve become…I even grieve for the things he’s missed out on due to being so caught up in his sin, like missing his daughters 1st birthday–something he’ll never get to have a memory of. I grieve for so much.

    BUT, I DO believe the Lord will restore my heart and is slowly restoring it…I have been learning so much about myself, about how I am broken. My husband has changed a lot since Prodigals. He’s learned so much about himself, why he was doing what he was doing, what he’s done to me, etc.

    It would be so easy for me to walk away from this marriage. SO dang easy. I can’t tell you how often I have thought about it and still do. I love my husband, but am not in love and I grieve for how much he’s pained me…Heck, I’ve thought about suicide so many times b/c I have HATED the anger I feel, how horrible of a mom I can be due to the anger, etc. I’ve screamed in such hate that I swear I’ve seen red from the hate I’ve felt towards him…so much that I’ve felt possessed b/c of just the extreme intensity of the anger I’ve felt.

    We are working on this marriage though, as we are working on ourselves…I know love can be restored. We don’t have to feel in love to stay in a marriage. I trust in my God that he will restore the love that was there and make it even more and that this relationship will be even even better one…I’m slowly getting there and that’s why I feel that way.

    My husband & I both have talked about one day being able to minister together…For so long, I’ve dealt with my situation by myself b/c this stuff is not openly talked about. Reading that woman’s letter made my heart pang…While I can understand your ex wife’s hurt, I do not agree w/ her. There needs to be more women who have stuck it through and come along side wives that are barely hanging in there…maybe that could of helped your ex wife? However, please do not think I’m discrediting anything your ex went through. I can’t say what I would of done in her shoes. All I’m saying is that there needs to be others coming along side and saying “HEY! I went through this and your pain is ok and it’s normal and you can do this! If you want to make your marriage work, let me help keep you encourage”…so I am saying this in regards to the women who want someone to encourage them that YES, it is ABSOLUTELY possible for your marriage to be restored and made EVEN better! Can I promise that? NO! But you just put your trust in the Lord and take it day by day….YES, I do think separation should occur when sin like that is not being dealt with…but to say divorce when this woman who wrote you is so raw and just wanting to have someone tell her what she should do, I don’t think is a good idea…Especially considering what this woman REALLY wants another woman to say, who has been in similar shoes– “honey, keep hanging in there if that’s what you feel you should do…trust in the Lord and YES, he CAN change your husband”. No, you’re not making her have false hope, but you are encouraging her to trust in the restoration that God CAN and DOES bring.

    Anyways, I’m VERY proud of my husband & I for sticking in there…He has dealt with verbal abuse from me for the past 3 years and I’ve dealt with all the pain and “what will never be” that’s he’s caused, for the past 3 yrs. It is ABSOLUTELY by the grace of God that we are still together. We want to be a testimony to Him…we want to be an encouragement for other marriages b/c this is a COMMON problem. If everyone gave up, broken homes would be all we know.

    I’m not saying divorce is not an option. But, I am saying that divorce doesn’t have to be the answer.

    Donny, I would love to be of any help if a woman reads this and is still hanging in there with her marriage and just needs that encouragement. I’ve been there and am still there.

    I’m very thankful that I have stayed. I’ve been on the ground with a bottle of pills in my hand, tears streaming down while I can barely breath, wanting to end the pain and my suffering–just wanting to stop seeing my husband, to have to stop choosing DAILY to keep living my life with him, but I can say that the Lord was beside me with his hand on me, comforting me, and pulling me closer to him…

    Good for you, Donny, for getting sober. Praise the lord. Just as I said what my husband & I hope for our marriage to be, this is what your blog is–a testimony and encouragement to others who are battling what you have.

  19. By the way, I realize that some could read this and think “how is this encouraging when you sound like you’re miserable!” but this is the reality. This is what sexual sin does to a wife.

    Don’t get me wrong, the days ARE getting better in our marriage. And I stick it through b/c I have seen the change and the restoration. And b/c I know restoration doesn’t happen in a matter of days, months, or even years. It takes time.

  20. By the way, I realize that some could read this and think “how is this encouraging when you sound like you’re miserable!” but this is the reality. This is what sexual sin does to a wife.

    Don’t get me wrong, the days ARE getting better in our marriage. And I stick it through b/c I have seen the change and the restoration. And b/c I know restoration doesn’t happen in a matter of days, months, or even years. It takes time.

  21. One last thing…if your husband isn’t dealing w/ his sexual sin, then yes, I do encourage separation.

    But I don’t encourage divorce.

  22. One last thing…if your husband isn’t dealing w/ his sexual sin, then yes, I do encourage separation.

    But I don’t encourage divorce.

  23. I know this post is “past”, but I wanted to reply. Thanks for posting it as I am feeling a great need in the church to minister to the wives (and some husbands) of spouses who have been involved with porn in any degree. These people are hurting, and the pulpit seems overflowing with commands to these hurt spouses to “forgive, forbear” and well, “if you’d just put out sex, you can save your cheating spouse”. There seems to be grace and mercy for the adulterer and person tending toward sexual sin, but there is little grace and mercy from the pulpit for the one who was dragged into the situation by no choice of her’s (or his).

    Male spiritual leadership, in an efforts, to apply bandaids to the bleeding going on as a result of the ascension of pornographic culture is addressing the addict and cheater. But ignoring the hurting women in their midst.

    I watched the video about your friend Steve and his wife Anne, and with all due respect, there was an emphasis on the emotions Steve displayed while his wife sat strongly (blinking back tears) and with dignity (despite the disgrace and indignity her husband had dumped in her lap). She even took the blame a bit off of him by admitting her job hurt their marriage. Hmmm. Sure, the sinner deserves compassion, and we are all sinners! But somewhere else on this site, someone (maybe you?) said they had a problem with whiners. I’m sorry, but the men of my own church and the pastor himself are perpetuating the ideas that these men are “victims” of the culture and wives who will not dress as they like or have sex often or in styles that the men want. Men are continually testifying from the pulpit these days, “It’s hard to be a man.” (Ha, try giving birth, big fellas! Women may whine, but I gotta say, men are getting shriller by the minute. Where’s the fortitude, folks?!)

    When men whine about this issue and how victimized they are instead of putting God and their wives first as well as taking strong accountability for their sin choices, quite honestly, the women get fed and up and no longer see them as strong leaders in families, church or the world in general. Is it any surprise that feminism came to such a head not too long after Playboy infiltrated America? When men fail to lead and be what God has called them to be, what happens to women and children? No need to point the fingers at feminism for man’s emasculation. . . seems man, unwittingly (?) or no, chose for himSELF that course.

    If all the women sitting in church pews today came out from their silence and spoke the truth about the great harm men’s sexual sins have caused to them personally, I dare say that the church’s influence (what is left of it) would be undone. . . and that is scary sad.

    Men must be confronted toughly, boldly and with compassion, of course. Men must wake up, and church discipline must be exercised by the leadership. My own pastor recently said he didn’t want to confront the man in our congregation (who is being allowed to continue teaching a class on “The Disciplines of a Godly Man”) who was not quite through a divorce (his wife having up and left him for we-don’t-know-why). . . the pastor said he didn’t want to exercise discipline because he “didn’t want to run him off”. While I do not advocating running people off, I do think it’s imprudent for leadership to act so timidly when dealing head-on with sin that destroys families and defiles what God intended as a reflection of the New Covenant. It’s downright wimpy. Wimpiness has nothing to do with compassion.

    This issue of pornography inside the church, I predict, is about implode in full out rebellion of women if the ignoring and silencing continues. I speak to men who are “finding it hard to be a man”: try pretending to be the women that have been devastated by your sin choice. There are no excuses, and you guys really want to rescue your wife and treat her as Christ treated His own Bride, well, you gotta keep on “dying to self”. Step up, and quit whining.

    Us women need the leadership of PURE, MORALLY INTACT, RIGHTEOUS men. Will you be one of those? Or will you be a wimp?

    Leadership, geez, wake up! The women are hurting, and if you hate feminism, well then do what God commanded you to do.

  24. As I told u when u came off Stage …. I would NEVER BE ABLE TO LOOK AT IT THE SAME… I also confided in u that I was married to a Topless Dancer for 4 YRS. I believe that lifestyle is more of the same , It has affected my married even today to A woman I CALL MY TRUE BLESSING . My involvement in that industry alone and using sex out of context of marriage has had a long term affect on me , and my Wife today suffers the consciences. It’s not as important to me now as it is to her . So yes this/my actions and decisions have affected me greatly . But u my friend just telling ur story changed my life to where I can not even look at porn the same as I once did . Thank you God and Thank you Donny for being so brave and blunt to put it out there for what is really is … IT DESTROYS LIVE AND MARRIAGES BOTH PAST AND PRESENT . My Wife has only been with me and her x husband . I was always cheated on in previous Long term relationships…. NO . I WAS NOT THE ONE EVER CHEATING . Since I have turned towards Christ again , he blessed me with this woman that I dont have to worry where she is and who she is with . NO LONGER AN ISSUE ! BIG DEAL TO ME !
    Just to help u remember me , It was I that met u off stage @ Thatchurch in Sherwood and said thanks , u changed my life . Still a work in progress here too . Thanks again Donny
    Much love
    Roger Miley

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