Donny's Ramblings

When I Let It Hit Me, Folks, This Is Gonna Be Incredibly Hard

40 Comments

In response to a comment left on Craig Gross‘ Facebook page by Michelle Truax, one of the key players on the XXXChurch Team, I just wrote:

I have decided not to deal with it right now. I’ve laughed today, read books, talked to Ted Haggard a few times, talked to my Pastor about the book we’re writing together… but I have pushed this out of my mind ’cause I do not know how to deal with it. Anybody who has met Steve cannot help but like, even love, him. I don’t want to accept this yet. I have a feeling it’s gonna hit hard in a few days.

Truth is, the most horrible thing that has happened in my life since I gave it to God happened yesterday, but I learned of it this morning.  If you follow me on Twitter you’d never know it.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I don’t wanna freakin’ deal with this.  One of the speakers on the XXXChurch team ended his own life yesterday, and I don’t know how to handle it.  His name is Steve Glisan.  You can watch his story by clicking here.  I loved Steve, but I never told him so.

I first met Steve at a Porn and Pancakes event in Colorado.  Because of the places it took him, his porn addiction resulted in a loss of his wife and three kids.  After years apart, he found help and his marriage was restored.  That, my friends, is why he spoke for XXXChurch.  The story of Steve and Ann Glisan was powerful.

I’m told he recently gave in to temptation and slipped up again… that he decided to handle the guilt by removing himself from this planet.  After all the heartache his family went through before, I cannot understand this decision.  Surely he had to know this was the worst possible choice?  I guess not.  Steve, who regularly blogged for XXXChurch under the name Steve G, is gone.  I am so angry with him, yet so sad at the same time.  I am not good handling this sort of thing.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what to say.  I feel freakin’ useless.  There is nothing I can say to ease the pain his family must feel.  There is nothing I can say or do to deal with the way I feel, either.

40 thoughts on “When I Let It Hit Me, Folks, This Is Gonna Be Incredibly Hard

  1. Yes Donny- there is something you can say and do with the way you feel. Tell everyone you love that you love them. Tell them what they mean to you- don’t assume they know it.

    I love you and when you are ready to deal with this- God will help you… people grieve differently and they respond to their grief differently so don’t beat yourself up my brother but rather let it all out and do something that will impact someone else… tell them you love them.

    I’ll say it again…
    I love you. You mean so much to me. I am grateful for you and for your transparency in your struggles. You have impacted so many lives for the better …including Steve’s.

  2. Yes Donny- there is something you can say and do with the way you feel. Tell everyone you love that you love them. Tell them what they mean to you- don’t assume they know it.

    I love you and when you are ready to deal with this- God will help you… people grieve differently and they respond to their grief differently so don’t beat yourself up my brother but rather let it all out and do something that will impact someone else… tell them you love them.

    I’ll say it again…
    I love you. You mean so much to me. I am grateful for you and for your transparency in your struggles. You have impacted so many lives for the better …including Steve’s.

  3. Well the truth is, there’s nothing anyone can say to make it any better. It’s a situation that just flat out sucks.
    The only thing we can do is to look to The One who heals and comforts us in this time of tragedy and pray for his family, because they need it.

    We all are faced with decisions and disappointments in life and the enemy never stops trying to make those in the focus of so many stumble so they may fall and nothing better than guilt to consume them and take them out of the race and make them ineffective.

    It’s terrible the choice Steve made because there was so many other ways. But we all must realize each one of us are faced with terrible challenges as he was and the higher we are held by others, the further we stand to fall and Satan will go after those more aggressively.

    I’ll keep you in prayer my friend and know there will be a day with no more tears. This is the hope we cling to by faith.

  4. Well the truth is, there’s nothing anyone can say to make it any better. It’s a situation that just flat out sucks.
    The only thing we can do is to look to The One who heals and comforts us in this time of tragedy and pray for his family, because they need it.

    We all are faced with decisions and disappointments in life and the enemy never stops trying to make those in the focus of so many stumble so they may fall and nothing better than guilt to consume them and take them out of the race and make them ineffective.

    It’s terrible the choice Steve made because there was so many other ways. But we all must realize each one of us are faced with terrible challenges as he was and the higher we are held by others, the further we stand to fall and Satan will go after those more aggressively.

    I’ll keep you in prayer my friend and know there will be a day with no more tears. This is the hope we cling to by faith.

  5. All I can say is … wow. Having gone through this myself I can’t imagine my husband doing that. I can’t imagine myself doing that from the pain his addiction caused, even though I’ve read about women who have taken their own lives to end the pain.

    Wow…

    His guilt, pain, all of that, must have been so … I can’t even imagine, but you know what? This makes me hate the devil even more. And it makes our jobs fill up with even more passion — to show the world the devastation porn and sex addictions cause.

    I just can’t believe this. It’s so close to my heart that it just felt like someone stepped on me. I can only imagine how it feels for you, Donny. I will fill my heart with prayers for everyone related to this situation. Hugs from the Weis’!

  6. All I can say is … wow. Having gone through this myself I can’t imagine my husband doing that. I can’t imagine myself doing that from the pain his addiction caused, even though I’ve read about women who have taken their own lives to end the pain.

    Wow…

    His guilt, pain, all of that, must have been so … I can’t even imagine, but you know what? This makes me hate the devil even more. And it makes our jobs fill up with even more passion — to show the world the devastation porn and sex addictions cause.

    I just can’t believe this. It’s so close to my heart that it just felt like someone stepped on me. I can only imagine how it feels for you, Donny. I will fill my heart with prayers for everyone related to this situation. Hugs from the Weis’!

  7. Ashley,

    It hurts enough to be Donny Pauling. I can’t imagine how it feels to be Ann. Or his kids. God, please be with them.

  8. Ashley,

    It hurts enough to be Donny Pauling. I can’t imagine how it feels to be Ann. Or his kids. God, please be with them.

  9. I’m so sorry, Donny. What a waste. I’m truly sorry.

  10. I’m so sorry, Donny. What a waste. I’m truly sorry.

  11. Carrie… thank you. Very much.

  12. Carrie… thank you. Very much.

  13. Pingback: One of the speakers on the XXXChurch team ended his own life yesterday :( - SocialOutcast.net

  14. Donny,

    I am praying for you brother. All things work for the glory of God. Through death Steve may impact even more lives. I will be praying for you and if you just need to talk bro you got my number. I am here 24/7 Love you man.

    STEVE OH

    Matthew 5:4
    Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

  15. Donny,

    I am praying for you brother. All things work for the glory of God. Through death Steve may impact even more lives. I will be praying for you and if you just need to talk bro you got my number. I am here 24/7 Love you man.

    STEVE OH

    Matthew 5:4
    Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

  16. How is the community reacting? Are they of the opinion that suicide is an unforgivable sin, or are you able to mourn?

  17. How is the community reacting? Are they of the opinion that suicide is an unforgivable sin, or are you able to mourn?

  18. I saw the post XXXChurch put on Facebook, and I found this through google.
    I just want to say, I’m praying for you and the whole XXXChurch team.
    I’m reminded of the song Cry Out to Jesus by Third Day, the chorus goes:
    There is hope for the helpless
    Rest for the weary
    Love for the broken heart
    There is grace and forgiveness
    Mercy and healing
    He’ll meet you wherever you are
    Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

  19. I saw the post XXXChurch put on Facebook, and I found this through google.
    I just want to say, I’m praying for you and the whole XXXChurch team.
    I’m reminded of the song Cry Out to Jesus by Third Day, the chorus goes:
    There is hope for the helpless
    Rest for the weary
    Love for the broken heart
    There is grace and forgiveness
    Mercy and healing
    He’ll meet you wherever you are
    Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

  20. Donny, I’ll be keeping you in prayer. I’ve been to the point where moving on from this life seemed like such a welcome release but could just never bring myself to actually do it. As sick as this sounds…there were times the only thing that kept me alive was thinking it would make my mockers and those showing scorn and hate because of my problem happy if I killed myself. Stupid, yes, but it worked. When you hit that low point and you think suicide’s the only way out…well, I just pray no one reaches that point. My heart is breaking for his family and friends like you Donny. God bless you.

  21. Donny, I’ll be keeping you in prayer. I’ve been to the point where moving on from this life seemed like such a welcome release but could just never bring myself to actually do it. As sick as this sounds…there were times the only thing that kept me alive was thinking it would make my mockers and those showing scorn and hate because of my problem happy if I killed myself. Stupid, yes, but it worked. When you hit that low point and you think suicide’s the only way out…well, I just pray no one reaches that point. My heart is breaking for his family and friends like you Donny. God bless you.

  22. So very sorry to hear about this! I have actually watched the video of Steve and Ann a few times. I have not had porn issues within my marriage, but I still found their testimony to be very powerful- especially Ann’s. No one can read another’s heart, but I’m sure the thought of having to face everyone again with a failure, after being forgiven so graciously had to be incredibly difficult- especially now that their family has vocalized the story…that just makes for so many more eyes seeing the failure. I pray for the family, and for you, as you all process thru this time of loss, and I pray that each of you will draw near to God as your source.

  23. So very sorry to hear about this! I have actually watched the video of Steve and Ann a few times. I have not had porn issues within my marriage, but I still found their testimony to be very powerful- especially Ann’s. No one can read another’s heart, but I’m sure the thought of having to face everyone again with a failure, after being forgiven so graciously had to be incredibly difficult- especially now that their family has vocalized the story…that just makes for so many more eyes seeing the failure. I pray for the family, and for you, as you all process thru this time of loss, and I pray that each of you will draw near to God as your source.

  24. Hey Boss,

    This really hits me in the gut. My sister-in-law used to be really close to Steve and his kids. This is really hard to handle, I know. Either way, when you get to COS there’s always a warm bed and a hot meal if you so choose to stop by.

    PS, if you need buddy passes to fly to COS I’ll be happy to supply as well.

  25. Hey Boss,

    This really hits me in the gut. My sister-in-law used to be really close to Steve and his kids. This is really hard to handle, I know. Either way, when you get to COS there’s always a warm bed and a hot meal if you so choose to stop by.

    PS, if you need buddy passes to fly to COS I’ll be happy to supply as well.

  26. Ron, if your invitation had come 6 hrs ago I’d have taken you up on it. That’s when I booked my flight and hotel. The gesture is greatly appreciated.

  27. Ron, if your invitation had come 6 hrs ago I’d have taken you up on it. That’s when I booked my flight and hotel. The gesture is greatly appreciated.

  28. Well next time you need to come to COS let me know. Any assistance I can be to you and 3x church would make my day.

  29. Well next time you need to come to COS let me know. Any assistance I can be to you and 3x church would make my day.

  30. Pingback: In the Home of Ted and Gayle Haggard « Donny's DSLR, "Pocket Camera" and iPhone Photo Blog

  31. Dear brother,

    Obviously you felt very close to Steve, perhaps he inspired you. That’s the good memories to hang on to. Everyone here regrets the choice he made, the despair he must have felt to make such a decision. Yeah, the anger over it makes sense, too. But, like one comment said, be angry at the devil, for deceiving people, accusing the brethren.

    God is the glory and the lifter of our heads. He’s the God of all comfort, and may He comfort all those who loved this servant of the Lord. Of course, many ponder the eternal state of a suicide. This is something only God knows. I’m sure, despite what he did, he was still calling on the name of the Lord to be saved.

    Even Samson of old, when his strength returned asked God for the strength to pull down the building on the enemies of God, though Samson would die under the same roof. I tend to think that Samson, despite his flaws and eye for the ladies, made it to Abraham’s bosom that day. Perhaps Steve, being disraught for everyone involved, thought that the only way to excorcise this enemy was to pull the building down on top of it.

    May he rest in peace in Christ. May the work of God go forward. May we be transparent about our needs and true to our hearts.

  32. Dear brother,

    Obviously you felt very close to Steve, perhaps he inspired you. That’s the good memories to hang on to. Everyone here regrets the choice he made, the despair he must have felt to make such a decision. Yeah, the anger over it makes sense, too. But, like one comment said, be angry at the devil, for deceiving people, accusing the brethren.

    God is the glory and the lifter of our heads. He’s the God of all comfort, and may He comfort all those who loved this servant of the Lord. Of course, many ponder the eternal state of a suicide. This is something only God knows. I’m sure, despite what he did, he was still calling on the name of the Lord to be saved.

    Even Samson of old, when his strength returned asked God for the strength to pull down the building on the enemies of God, though Samson would die under the same roof. I tend to think that Samson, despite his flaws and eye for the ladies, made it to Abraham’s bosom that day. Perhaps Steve, being disraught for everyone involved, thought that the only way to excorcise this enemy was to pull the building down on top of it.

    May he rest in peace in Christ. May the work of God go forward. May we be transparent about our needs and true to our hearts.

  33. Sorry about your friend Donny.

  34. Sorry about your friend Donny.

  35. Donny, I’m deeply sorry to hear about Steve … … … this is why you are doing what you are doing now, though, isn’t it? Because porn isn’t just a game or an escape … it’s life and death serious stuff … that’s what fuels your heart … like the heart of our Father … to save the lost, rescue the perishing … and until we reach the shore on the other side, none of us are “safe.” We all need close, intimate, safe, strong, weak, grace-filled brothers and sisters who don’t believe the lies of “I’m fine” and who war with us side-by-side. Be strong and very courageous … as your name means, “ruler of the world” … not that you rule over the entire world, but that He has called you to be an overcomer … … … grace and peace to you, bro!

  36. Donny, I’m deeply sorry to hear about Steve … … … this is why you are doing what you are doing now, though, isn’t it? Because porn isn’t just a game or an escape … it’s life and death serious stuff … that’s what fuels your heart … like the heart of our Father … to save the lost, rescue the perishing … and until we reach the shore on the other side, none of us are “safe.” We all need close, intimate, safe, strong, weak, grace-filled brothers and sisters who don’t believe the lies of “I’m fine” and who war with us side-by-side. Be strong and very courageous … as your name means, “ruler of the world” … not that you rule over the entire world, but that He has called you to be an overcomer … … … grace and peace to you, bro!

  37. Maybe if religion didn’t make him feel like such a f*ck up rather than the human who makes mistakes, he’d still be here…

  38. Maybe if religion didn’t make him feel like such a f*ck up rather than the human who makes mistakes, he’d still be here…

  39. Everyone looks at Steve as to why he took his life. Granted, he is the one that did it. But does anyone in the Church contemplate that they might have drove him to it. Read this sentence from above: “I’m told he recently gave in to temptation and slipped up again”. The church is so good at pointing fingers and condemning people. Everyone has to be just like them and they have the corner on truth. Especially on topics like sexuality. Perhaps Steve did not have an abnormal sex drive. Sure he viewed porn, 99.9% of men do. Maybe he had affairs. I’ll bet he didn’t have anymore women than King David, the man after God’s own heart. God never condemned David. God never even told David it was wrong! IMO, the Church is as much to blame for this as anyone! RIP Steve. See you in Heaven!

  40. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus

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