God, why did I cheat on my wife? Why did I throw away my family? Why did I think producing pornographic content would fulfill me more than her?
Oh, that I could have realized then what I realize now, this handful of years later:
She was so very amazing! Why didn’t I see that I could be just as aroused by my wife – an arousal that was instituted, with love, by you – as I always thought I’d be by other women? Why did I buy into the lie that sex with my wife was boring? I saw through that one two months after our separation, even in the midst of so much self delusion, when I started trying to explain to the new girl what it meant to have love and commitment…. the same things my wife used to say to me, receiving the same blank, uncomprehending stare from me that I received from “the new girl” each time the subject arose. Pearls, cast before swine.
Why did I have to learn the hard way? Why couldn’t I have just listened and learned when others spoke about the life lessons they’ve learned? Why couldn’t I use the knowledge of their mistakes as an inspiration to avoid mistakes of my own?
And why now, a decade later after all has been lost (but which you can always restore) and I’ve finally accepted your love, can I not get through to so many of the 4 million plus I’ve spoken in front of – allowing the lessons I’VE learned and the things I’VE lost to inspire them to avoid the same pitfalls?
Our enemy doesn’t sleep, God. Perhaps we shouldn’t either?