I receive emails very regularly. I had to share this conversation with all of you.
I came across your blog and I wanted to say thank you.
I became involved in the sex industry 7 years ago, working as a prostitute in a brothel known as the “Wildkat Ranch” in Mina Nevada. Nothing could have prepared me for the devastation it would reap upon me in the 1 1/2 years of working there… I met a girl picked up from a mental facility after her release, I worked with girls cleared to work because they hadn’t disclosed that they had been exposed to someone with genital herpes, I worked with women who had done nothing with their lives but bounce from brothel to brothel for 10 years… But this pales in comparison to the changes I saw in myself.
I lived in [removed] and would fly out to the brothel every month and a half to work for 3-4 weeks straight. During this time my schedule was from 12 noon-4am EVERYDAY (when clients were no longer supposed to be accepted, but let me tell you if they were the only one of the day, they would wake us up for the line up) Sometimes we would come out of the shower at 10 in the morning to find a man waiting for us to line up, and we had to pretend we wanted to be having sex again… These men that would come through, some were 400+ pound truck drivers, with penises that had smegma rimming them, we’d have to wash the penis during the “Dick Check” you know the part where we make sure they don’t have a current outbreak of something.. their bodies would smell from being on the road.. On one occasion I had my clitoris bit, I received a rectal tear, and my episiotomy from my last child was retorn.. Often the men would want to watch porn with us, or they would bring in porn magazines.. one man brought in pornography that could be classified as rape.. during this incident he slapped me and told me that I needed to act like I didn’t want it.. Another man tried to violently fist me.
They tell you at the Brothel that they are there to protect you, but on more than one occasion I screamed, and no one came- even though they have a speaker to the room where they make sure we aren’t asking for more money and not giving them half.. Out of it all, having to watch porn with the men was the worst though, because they would want to know what I liked, they would rub at my body or have me rub them off while they told me how they wished I was as pretty as her, or how they wished I was skinnier. They would make fun of my stretch marks and tell me that I should give them a refund.. The would tell me after I was done that they were going to try my friend and maybe she would be more like the girl in the video..
I would come home from this, and try to pretend that I was a better person because I didn’t need a loan for school now, or that I had a car I could use to drive my kids around.. But I am less of a person. I would have to continue the lies with my family, telling them the story that the brothel had me tell, that I was training for a new career in Real Estate and I was working for Jerry Dickerson the man that owned the brothel at the time.. They offered to write me a letter of reference if I ever needed one, and my tax statement looked normal to those who weren’t familiar with the location or industry.. but there were physical costs too. My vagina needs repair from the way it was stretched, it is nearly impossible for me to have a vaginal orgasm now, my anal tear took months to heal, but the worst is my brain. I gained weight from severe depression, had to be put on medication, and I saw any beauty that I had as a young women disappear before my eyes.
God is the only one that could fix that.. but it took A LONG TIME before I ever felt that God could want me back.
I love you. I have never read an email message and responded with that before. But reading yours just filled me with emotion. God loves you, too. There’s nothing that you’ve ever done or possibly could do that would change that. The things you described are so opposite of what He wants for you, but they don’t take you away from Him.
Thank you for the response.. I’d stumbled upon a story about you on the Porn Harms website, which brought me to your blog. The segment you wrote about the girl in the fetal position sucking her thumb made me physically break down, because I understand that feeling. Knowing that this girl had been observed in that state, so vulnerable and broken… I was greatful to you for having given her a voice.
I shared my story with you because I feel that the more people like us that you have standing behind you, the more reasons you have to continue your work. I don’t think it is clearly understood the voracious control pornography has on the sex trade- many of the girls I worked with had prior experience working in pornography, whether it be magazines, videos or as cam girls- they wind up in the brothels because it is a lucrative form of self promotion to have formerly been in a pornographic video or spread OR because they have aged out of performance work. When I asked some of these girls why they didn’t move on and do something else, they would say things like, “this is all I really know how to do to make money, I’m good at this”. The saddest truth is that every girl will eventually try working outside of the brothel, I did it myself. As dangerous as it is to work within a brothel, it is 1000 times more dangerous to work within an escort agency and 10000 times more dangerous to work beneath a pimp. The only way the disease, physical abuse, robbery, sex trafficking and murder will stop is if the so-called “safer sex industry” dies. Girls like me, we cant explain the link, we can’t explain the death of our spirit and our loss of innocence, or the link between how we got from a photo spread to standing on a corner… It is people like you who give us a voice- for some reason the voice of a former prostitue is easy to tune out, but your voice seems loud enough to be heard. Thank you, Please don’t stop doing what you do.
If you’d let me, I’d love to remove your name (for your privacy) and then post our conversation on my website and on my Facebook page. Let me know what you think about that.
Absolutely… if it helps even one person that would make what I’ve gone through seem worth it.
And it will.