I’ve never let go of my faith, but I’m such a mess. Life is so different now. There is very little joy in it.
I would give just about anything for the opportunity to speak in person to “B,” telling her all that is on my heart. I never meant to cause her pain. It kills me to hear what her life has become. No matter what ignorant people have to say about the matter, I love her deeply. That’s not written in “past tense” because it is still true. I am certain it would be healing for both of us to talk to each other.
God forgives, I know, but it is difficult to forgive yourself when you’ve hurt those you love. I’ve counseled people on this very thing. I’ve told men that God gives us a big, beautifully wrapped gift called forgiveness. When we can’t forgive ourselves it is like pushing his gift back at him and telling him it isn’t good enough. My mind gets that, but my heart still has problems accepting it. I have hurt many people. Most hurt was the little lady who I had made my entire world. She really was my entire world, but I wish I’d made better choices when it comes to how I expressed it. I was put in her life for a reason, but I failed to fulfill the role I was meant to fill.
I hope someday she decides to forgive me. I hope someday I can stand face to face with her again and express to her… all that needs to be expressed.
Until then, all I can do is pray and put everything in God’s hands. I do that daily.
But it’s frustrating.