Donny's Ramblings

Forever Apologizing

2 Comments

Last week I sent an email to a man I greatly respect, but who has really hurt my feelings. I asked him if he ever felt like a hypocrite, preaching grace while extending none to me. My feelings were hurt when he decided not to be my friend anymore. We had a conversation in which he agreed to chat from time to time, but that is a promise that has not yet materialized.

Logically, he has every reason to have made such a decision. Emotions are very powerful, however, and they don’t often care about logic. Emotions arise within me all the time.

I’ve been abandoned by so many people and face things that I wouldn’t wish upon an enemy. Most of the time, I deal with all of it in an acceptable way, and can move beyond the emotions that try to arise within. Sometimes I just don’t do so well with it, inside. Other times, emotions spill over into words I later regret having said or written.

I never stop daydreaming about a day when people decide to forgive and include me again. I really don’t think that’s ever going to happen, but I keep hoping for it. I do make efforts to look outside of myself. It’s not very difficult to see the way others must perceive me. I just don’t perceive myself the same way.

I write posts here, only to delete them because they seem so whiney. Whiners are hard to be around. I get it.

I wrote an apology to the person I emailed last week, but then didn’t send it. What is the point? In a matter of moments or days or hours I’ll likely feel the same way I felt when I wrote that email. And at this point, I don’t think he cares to hear my apology, anyway.

I don’t know how to stop this cycle. Counseling doesn’t seem to help. Praying doesn’t seem to help. I can’t pick up a Bible anymore, though I still feel close to God because He doesn’t abandon me. He has many ways of reminding me of that fact. I’m not sure why it’s not enough.

I often take things very personally, even though I know I shouldn’t, but as mentioned before, emotions are powerful, and I do so anyway. I continue to go to counseling, hoping the day will come when something clicks inside.

I don’t know how many people read what I write anymore, but if any reader has suggestions, I would love to hear them. You have no idea how nice it is to interact with other humans in a way that approaches normalcy. Most people take such things for granted. I no longer can do so. I value every “normal” conversation.

2 thoughts on “Forever Apologizing

  1. Dearest Donny.

    I know this probably is not much comfort right now – but I feel compelled to say this:

    Today, the first Sunday after Easter, is “Divine Mercy Sunday” (look it up, and St. Faustina Kowalska as well!) – so – expect the unexpected! πŸ˜‰

    Truly. Expect the unexpected. God will never leave you – and he can surprise even the ones who feel “winning the lottery” could never happen to them – ! My boyfriend recently got out of jail after serving a sentence for manslaughter. For him, divine mercy is the acceptance and true love I can give him and the forgiveness Christ gives him through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I am a child of a broken, divorced home (and abuse) – for me the fidelity and love of this man is mercy (besides all the mercy God gives me ;)). We are both in our early fourties and wasn’t sure true love would come our way. But it’s here. He came out of left field into my life through a simple facebook friend request. I wasn’t looking. I thought I was too “complicated” for this stuff and wasn’t sure what God wanted of me anyway. My boyfriend’s constancy has slowly broken my hard, protecting shell. And my honest, non-judging love has assured him that someone SEES him for who he truly is (and all the good stuff as well!). In my later years here I came to believe marriage would not happen to me. But God threw me a completely unexpected curveball. Undeserved. – Undeserved. But He loves me and has His own plans – so what do I know??… πŸ˜‰

    We’ve been through a lot together these last three years I have known my boyfriend. With the grace of God we have grown and grown and grown together, the love ever deepening. True friendship exists, Donny. True and honest love exists. God exists. And He exists “for you”. He will never, ever leave you. He never ever doesn’t care about you. He never stops wanting the very best for you – and He will receive you with open arms the day you transition into His Kingdom – Heaven. You can be sure of that. But before that – there’s a life to live here on Earth – there’s a purpose for you here – yes – a true purpose. He loves you with a love you or I cannot fathom. We will all be surprised at the strength and totality of His love when we finally get the grace of seeing Him face to face. In the meantime – we have to be that love and that grace for each other (as well) – as best we can!! This means trying to put forward that love in all our dealings with each other – truly seeing and caring for the other person when we sit opposite them.

    Do yourself a BIG favor and read the St. Faustina Kowalska Diary, “Divine Mercy in my soul”. You reached out on Divine Mercy Sunday – Donny – this is no accident…. please know that…!! And I am sure you DO know that somewhere inside. Trust that love and that instinct – and that HOPE…..!! πŸ˜‰ I don’t think it is an accident at all that I saw your email JUST before going to bed, much later than I had planned tonight. God said to me: “Sis, your brother needs a helping hand here” πŸ˜‰ It’s Donny’s time for Mercy now……. πŸ™‚

    “Normal” people exist πŸ˜‰ Don’t let others drive you crazy… TRUE, DEEP, LOVING FRIENDSHIPS exist, where people have both acceptance and love for each other, being able to not judge past transgressions but holding a sacred space for you to be nestled in while you work things through with God.

    And don’t be frustrated “nothing seems to help” (counseling, prayer, etc.) right now – we all go through that…(!). That is ALSO part of THE JOURNEY! – Don’t you ever give up!, as Samwise Gamgee says πŸ˜‰

    You reached out on “Divine Mercy Sunday” – but maybe it was really God reaching out for YOU today – ? πŸ˜‰ Maybe that is His way of talking to you, as His voice is being channeled through His Church and the message He so passionately desired that all souls know about – all the immense Mercy He has for us….. Please – let God heal you – and then – let go…… – expect the unexpected – expect true love and true friendships…. πŸ™‚

    Love – a sister in Christ –
    Miriam, Denmark

    P.S. Another thing that keeps being very insistent in my head, and which I feel compelled to recommend as well, is a little booklet called “I wait for you”, little texts selected from a larger book called “The Way of Divine Love”, by Sister Josefa Menendez. Very, very beautiful. Christ truly desires our intimate and personal relationship with a loving hunger and thirst that we often don’t believe because we feel too ashamed of ourselves… (a great way of the evil one of keeping us from a trusting and intimate, solid relationship with Christ – who happened to give His life for us on that horrible instrument of torture and death – the Cross… That kind of love speaks volumes, doesn’t it…).

  2. I read this post from Bob Russell the same day I read yours. It seemed like he could help better than I could.
    http://www.bobrussell.org/when-you-loathe-life/

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