Donny's Ramblings


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So What’s The New Job, Donny?

I’ve received a handful of emails from readers inquiring about my new job. Today’s the day I reveal what I’m doing.

As you know if you’ve been following along with my story, I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not to accept a few different employment offers. One of the most interesting offers was a position as Finance Manager for a dealership in Seattle, Washington. I eventually turned that offer down. It just wasn’t the right position for me. Last week I accepted a position with an automobile dealership right here in Redding. This keeps me close to my son and close to the two churches I’ve enjoyed attending.

A Christian friend of mine asked if I needed help finding a job. At first I declined his help because I thought I’d be leaving the area, but eventually I called him back to see what he had in mind. It turns out he and his wife are pretty close to another couple who own 3 auto dealerships. Having offered used cars exclusively, the company is now expanding by purchasing a new car franchise. With that new expansion comes the need to continuously look for new areas of marketing. The internet is a natural progression, and up until now they have not been utilizing that resource.

That’s where I come in. We all know I have a significant amount of experience with internet marketing, having owned adult oriented websites for several years. I’m being challenged to develop an internet marketing program for my new employer, a project I am enjoying more all the time. I’m really starting to get into it. I have a lot of ideas in mind that I feel will be successful.

Personally, I love being able to “shop naked” from the comfort of my own home. Before any major purchase I do a lot of research online. In approaching this new challenge, I’d like to focus more on the late model used cars, than on new vehicles. Anyone can access a manufacturer’s website to find information about new vehicles, but the late model used (or should I be more P.C. and say “pre owned”) auto market isn’t as easy to research. I’ll be handling new car inquiries as well, but every used car seems to have a different “story” you could say.

As a consumer, what would you like to see? I’m asking you to consider any automobile related websites that you visit. Then send me some feedback (or post a comment with it). Are there any example sites that you particularly enjoy? If so, send me a url and tell me what features you like best.

One thought I’ve had is not only listing the inventory with photos and prices, but also having a blog to discuss auto related topics and solicit viewer feedback. Search engines love blogs, and I’d love to own the market up here in Nor Cal for all relevant search terms. And if I can make the blog interesting enough, people will become “repeat readers”. That’s important because the next time Aunt Tilly is looking for a car the reader will think of me (or rather, my employer).

Your feedback and suggestions are appreciated.

An update on the new co-worker I mentioned having a bit of a problem with a few days ago: We’re getting along great now. I really like him.

__________
Not long ago I told a few friends from my porn producing past(try quickly saying that 3 times) that I was considering employment in the automobile industry. Some of them began to ridicule the idea, pointing out I’d be a “used car salesman”, and voiced their opinion that car sales were not much better than porn production. I don’t share that opinion, but I do understand that some people feel the same way. I brought this up to my ex-wife and she gave me her thoughts: no matter what job you’re doing, try to do it better than anyone else.

I intend to reach for that in this new venture, for as long as God sees fit to keep me here.


6 Comments

So What's The New Job, Donny?

I’ve received a handful of emails from readers inquiring about my new job. Today’s the day I reveal what I’m doing.

As you know if you’ve been following along with my story, I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not to accept a few different employment offers. One of the most interesting offers was a position as Finance Manager for a dealership in Seattle, Washington. I eventually turned that offer down. It just wasn’t the right position for me. Last week I accepted a position with an automobile dealership right here in Redding. This keeps me close to my son and close to the two churches I’ve enjoyed attending.

A Christian friend of mine asked if I needed help finding a job. At first I declined his help because I thought I’d be leaving the area, but eventually I called him back to see what he had in mind. It turns out he and his wife are pretty close to another couple who own 3 auto dealerships. Having offered used cars exclusively, the company is now expanding by purchasing a new car franchise. With that new expansion comes the need to continuously look for new areas of marketing. The internet is a natural progression, and up until now they have not been utilizing that resource.

That’s where I come in. We all know I have a significant amount of experience with internet marketing, having owned adult oriented websites for several years. I’m being challenged to develop an internet marketing program for my new employer, a project I am enjoying more all the time. I’m really starting to get into it. I have a lot of ideas in mind that I feel will be successful.

Personally, I love being able to “shop naked” from the comfort of my own home. Before any major purchase I do a lot of research online. In approaching this new challenge, I’d like to focus more on the late model used cars, than on new vehicles. Anyone can access a manufacturer’s website to find information about new vehicles, but the late model used (or should I be more P.C. and say “pre owned”) auto market isn’t as easy to research. I’ll be handling new car inquiries as well, but every used car seems to have a different “story” you could say.

As a consumer, what would you like to see? I’m asking you to consider any automobile related websites that you visit. Then send me some feedback (or post a comment with it). Are there any example sites that you particularly enjoy? If so, send me a url and tell me what features you like best.

One thought I’ve had is not only listing the inventory with photos and prices, but also having a blog to discuss auto related topics and solicit viewer feedback. Search engines love blogs, and I’d love to own the market up here in Nor Cal for all relevant search terms. And if I can make the blog interesting enough, people will become “repeat readers”. That’s important because the next time Aunt Tilly is looking for a car the reader will think of me (or rather, my employer).

Your feedback and suggestions are appreciated.

An update on the new co-worker I mentioned having a bit of a problem with a few days ago: We’re getting along great now. I really like him.

__________
Not long ago I told a few friends from my porn producing past(try quickly saying that 3 times) that I was considering employment in the automobile industry. Some of them began to ridicule the idea, pointing out I’d be a “used car salesman”, and voiced their opinion that car sales were not much better than porn production. I don’t share that opinion, but I do understand that some people feel the same way. I brought this up to my ex-wife and she gave me her thoughts: no matter what job you’re doing, try to do it better than anyone else.

I intend to reach for that in this new venture, for as long as God sees fit to keep me here.


2 Comments

The Second Day

Yesterday I complained about having to work for someone else. Today I got up early and went back in for more punishment.

It wasn’t bad at all. I had a great talk with the owner and was happy to learn he’s a Christian. He put me to work on a project that will keep my mind occupied and provide new challenges.

About the only negative part of the day was when I had my ego tested by another employee, who decided to address me, the new guy, with a whole lot of attitude. God, help my ego. I didn’t back down. I didn’t raise my voice, but I firmly let the man know, in front of several other employees, that when he begins signing my checks I’ll allow him to talk to me like he did. He went running to the boss man to let him know that the new guy responded to his attitude with attitude of his own.

I admitted to the boss (oh how I hate that word) that I probably shouldn’t have responded as I did, but he was laughing while hearing my side of the story and told me not to worry about it. I guess this particular person feels threatened by new employees and tries running people off right away. Sorry, this is the wrong guy to try intimidating.

As I said, God help my ego. I really need to learn to lay it down.

__________

Later this evening I took my best friend John with me to Sacramento, where we met with the producer of a new film that will be coming out soon. I have no idea how many details I’m allowed to reveal, so I won’t say much about it. What I will say is that the group of people with whom I spoke have come up with a very good way to help those struggling with pornography. I was very impressed by their plan. The best part about it is that no first amendment rights are infringed upon, and both sides of the porn debate should be able to rally around.

We filmed an interview in which they asked numerous questions about my background in the adult entertainment industry as well as my opinions on their plan. We ended up shooting 2 hours worth of footage, and kept talking for another hour after the camera was turned off. If you’re a man who struggles with internet pornography, let me assure you help is on the way. As soon as the film is available for viewing I’ll tell you more about it.


28 Comments

The First Day Answering to a Bossman

I can sum up my first day with two words:

Hated
It

Yes, yesterday was my first day working for someone else. Some might wonder if the thought crossed my mind to return to porn production. I have to admit, answering to myself is nice. Setting my own schedule is heavenly. Producing porn, however, is not. The desire has been completely removed from my being, and days like today won’t bring it back. One thought that did cross my mind, however, is how depressing it is to give up my freedom all month to make less than I used to make in two days while self-employed (focus on the positive, Donny, focus on the positive).

Do I hope to be self employed again anytime soon? More than you can imagine. The sooner the better (so send all your friends and congregation members to my blog and tell them to click those Google advertising links). But porn production will not be the vehicle that takes me there.

I spent a lot of time praying today. It was a fight to keep negative thoughts out of my head. During times when I had a few moments to myself I pulled out Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller. It really helped get my mind back where it needed to be.

Even so, at the end of the day I came home in a bit of a funk. I logged on to check my email and several of you had written me. The encouragement in those emails nearly brought tears to my eyes.

It also helps that I’ve added more than 60 Christian blogs to my Google Reader. After reading several dozen blog entries from Christians all over the world, my mood was raised. I’m really starting to get what Paul meant in Hebrews chapter 10 when he told us not to forsake assembling together. Even if it was only a “virtual” assembly it sure helped today.

If you have a blog make sure to post your URL as a comment. I’ll add you to my Google Reader. Who knows: the words you write just might change someone’s day.

PS: Waking up to an alarm clock sucks!


8 Comments

On Bosses and Pastors

I am SOOOOOO not looking forward to having a boss again. I have a problem answering to other people. It just gets way down deep under my skin to have another person telling me what to do all the time. I guess it’s time for Donny to learn some valuable lessons, one of which is to humble himself.

Next week I will most likely start working for someone else. In a perfect world visitors would be showing up to this blog by the millions, and each of them would be clicking relevant Google ad links, generating tons of money. Alas, the millions of dollars in advertising revenue isn’t rolling in from simply sharing my life with the world.

If you have no sense of humor, allow me to offer assurance that I didn’t really expect such things to happen. I actually expected life to become much more difficult than what I’ve been experiencing. I expected to hit rock bottom and have a very rough time getting back on my feet. God seems to have other plans. What a relief!

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still lose most of my “possessions”. Said possessions include my home. There’s simply no way I can afford a $3600 per month house payment, $1500 per month in car payments (and the insurance that goes with said cars), $2500 per month in support to my ex-wife, and on and on and on… In my former life, bare minimum monthly expenses totaled a hefty five figures per month, not counting payments made to models.

I’m sure there will be times when I miss being able to pay my share of the 2006 Mastercraft X-Star upon which Belinda and I, along with my friend Jamie and numerous other party-loving friends and acquaintances, spent most of this past summer. Jamie and I were partners on the boat, and it currently sits just a few feet from where I am typing this blog entry. That’s not going to remain the case (sorry, Jamie, it’s all yours now… come and get it). I’ll probably miss traveling. I’ll probably miss the ability to go out on a whim and buy almost anything I want.

I know I’ll miss dining out twice a day. I’m not much of a cook.

I can’t begin to describe in one blog entry all of the things money offers. I won’t attempt to deceive you, my Constant Readers, by saying money doesn’t provide for nice life experiences. In my case, it most certainly did. But all of those things combined are so insignificant compared to the beautiful experiences, inner peace and freedom I’ve come to know since surrendering my life to God. Even breathing seems easier than it was before.

In the back of my mind I always had a tiny twinge of guilt about the way I generated income. I’d make up reasons and excuses to justify what I did. I’d tell people I found nothing wrong with my business. I had some pretty decent arguments to support my claims, and I lied to myself so well that sometimes I’d actually believe those lies.
________________________

If you’ve read all of my blog entries since the surrender you’ve probably noticed something: I’ve changed direction more than once. I almost jumped at the first job offer, which would have resulted in a move to Seattle. On a recent interview I had with XXXChurch.com (which is available on their blog) I stated that I’d be moving to San Diego to live with my mother for awhile. I felt I needed to get away from Northern California in order to “clear my head”. I’m still having a problem finding my direction, but some of the great people I’ve been speaking with have assured me it’s normal to feel the need to make drastic changes immediately after giving one’s life to God. “Just calm down a little” seems to be a recurring recommendation.

Two local Pastors have voiced the opinion (on separate occasions and without knowledge of my conversation with the other) that I need to stay right here in the Redding/Chico area. To be honest, I really like that idea. That would keep me close to my son.

Last Friday I interviewed with a company in a nearby city that handles internet marketing services for a handful of well known, large corporations.

Tomorrow I have an interview with a company that, while out of the area, would allow me to spend quite a bit of time with my son.

A good friend made a phone call yesterday which resulted in an offer for local employment with an automobile dealership.

God has provided these good, solid choices. I greatly appreciate that. And so, by this time next week, I’ll be calling someone else “boss”. That may not be what Donny Pauling finds most appealing, but it’s real work. And it will suffice until the time comes for God to use me to help others.

Speaking of those advertising links:

Even though I receive $1 per download, I am not kidding at all when I say you should download Firefox if you’re currently using Internet Explorer. Seriously, just do it. Now. Come back and read the rest of this blog entry after you’ve done so. It’s the best thing you can do for your PC to help avoid getting spyware and viruses. If you insist on using Microsoft Internet Explorer you really should not complain when your computer runs slowly, due to spyware and viruses that could have been prevented by avoiding IE. Firefox is a great browser, and it’s so much better for the health of your computer than using Internet Explorer. I use it myself, and I’m on a Mac. Click here to download it now. It’s free.


12 Comments

More of the Back Story, and Why I'm a Little Confused at the Moment

Right now I’m in a state of limbo. I’ve been offered jobs, one of which I wrote about here. That particular job paid well enough to meet my needs, but something inside told me I needed to check into it more. I drove to Seattle to do so. I asked a lot of questions of the man offering me the job. He mentioned not being able to sell extended warranties through their dealership because the state had temporarily suspended the sale of such warranties for all dealers. That didn’t sound right at all. To me, that sounded more like shady dealings and I wanted no part of such things. I left Seattle feeling that God was telling me that I just need to trust him. That particular job offer had been made as an answer to prayer in a time when I was feeling frustrated. I’ve used the term “faith building” when talking about this experience because that is exactly what it was: God building my faith in him. Are you insisting on an immediate job offer, Donny? Well here ya go!

My mom lives in San Diego and would love for me to move in with her. I could live upstairs. When my son comes to visit she’ll be able to watch him if I am at work. I’ve been on the phone talking to several companies down there, all of whom have assured me I’ll have no problems finding employment that will meet my income needs. My cousin also lives in the area and her fiancĂ© has spoken with one of his clients who has assured him that he’d most likely hire me as well.

And then there is Kris Vallotton, the Senior Associate Pastor of Bethel Church right here in Northern California. He throws a wrench into any plans I’ve been forming. For this to make more sense I’ll have to tell you the back story. Please be patient, as this will take a few minutes to explain:

When I first revealed to my ex-wife that I was producing porn we split up. She’s a strong Christian and that doesn’t mix well with producing pornography, as I’m sure you can imagine. At first she fought hard to change my mind. She also sought counseling from Bethel Church. Bethel is a very large church with more than 20 Pastors on staff, and as Senior Associate Pastor, Kris Vallotton is a very busy man who doesn’t do much counseling. Even so, he agreed to see Wendy and asked if she would bring me along. I agreed to see him once, more out of curiousity than anything. I listened to nothing Kris said and went on to have a pretty successful career in the adult industry.

The years passed and Belinda and I moved to Redding from Chico because we found the house we wanted to buy up here. PART of the reason I’d even decided to look in Redding was because I wanted to produce porn in the same town where Kris Vallotton pastored. In our counseling session so long ago, he told me I’d better stop messing with “God’s daughters”. I took that as a challenge. Since that time I’d made a very large amount of money and things were going really well. I was thumbing my nose at Christians. Still business grew. I wanted to challenge Kris, even if he didn’t know I was doing so. I figured that even if he didn’t remember my name, he’d find out soon enough that there was a pornographer doing business in his town.

Because of some of the seeds planted in my heart by the non-judgmental attitude of the Pastors of XXXChurch.com during the 2 years I’ve known them and given them a lot of grief, I started softening up just a little. Not to all Christians, of course, because I figured most were still as judgmental and ignorant as they’d always been in the churches I attended while growing up. But I was starting to think maybe there were more people like the XXXChurch staff. Because of this softening, I took my ex-wife’s advice to sit in on a Friday night service at Bethel just a few months ago. She assured me I’d find a group of people who accepted everyone. That particular Friday night I really enjoyed the service. Kris Vallotton happened to be the speaker, and he spoke on being non-judgmental. I was sure that was more than a coincidence, and his message planted more seeds in my mind.

The next week I emailed Kris and left voice messages. I wanted to talk to him one-on-one. I was assured by several people that he likely wouldn’t meet me. They all told me Kris would be too busy to talk to me. That really pissed me off. Here I am producing porn in his town, sending local models to publications such as Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler and websites all over the world, and he doesn’t have time to talk to me? In my mind I figured there should have been many things less pressing than to talk to a pornographer who is open to meeting with you. I decided Bethel must be more focused on business as usual than on “saving souls”, and I went on with my own business, more determined than ever to show Christians that God was blessing me despite the fact that I produce pornography. Belinda and I had been very busy shooting a soft core project for Playboy and the man I answered to at the company had been asking if we’d try shooting a new lesbian project. I tried reaching out to Kris Vallotton and received a “too busy” answer from his staff, so maybe it was time to pursue the offer from Playboy and start producing hardcore lesbian movies after all. That would show him and all the other Christians! And if we shot the lesbian movies Playboy was willing to pay 4 times as much as they’d been paying us. Nice!

Not long after that I was driving back from Playboy’s offices after meeting with one of their Vice Presidents. We’d discussed the lesbian movie project a bit more and I had agreed to start shooting for it. I already had models in mind that we’d start with. I was ecstatic. I prayed something along the lines of, “God, I don’t know why you still bless me so much even after everything I’ve been doing”. I kept talking to God for several minutes. I suddenly received an electric shock through my entire body. My hands shook as I drove the car off the road and into a Burger King parking lot. I sat in my seat for a few moments because I couldn’t move. I decided not to tell Belinda about this experience because she’d think I was crazy. I called my ex-wife instead because I knew she’d believe me. She was actually excited when I told her about it. She knew God was reaching out in a drastic way to get my attention. I began doing a lot of thinking and praying after that day. It was obvious God wanted me to return to him, but I wanted all of my questions answered first. It was just a few weeks later that I surrendered my life to God, despite the many unanswered questions I had in my head. If you’ve been reading my blog you know the story since that time.

Let’s return now to why I’m confused, and what Kris Vallotton has to do with that confusion.

Kris tried to get me to stop this lifestyle nearly 6 years ago but I ignored his counsel and grew my business anyway. The day after I called XXXChurch to tell them I was ready to live for God I felt a very strong urge to contact Kris. His itinerary on the Bethel Church website showed he was out of the country, but that he’d be speaking in Fortuna, California on Sunday, October 15th. He’d be back in town before that speaking engagement, but for some reason I knew Fortuna was where I needed to go to talk to him. That’s a 6 hour round trip from my house so I wasn’t looking forward to making the drive. I tried to get out of it on the morning of the 15th by going to Bethel instead. He had been there but left before I asked for him. Damn. I’d have to make the drive!

I still didn’t know exactly why I was feeling so compelled to talk to him. All I knew was that for weeks I’d felt the need to meet him in Fortuna. The feeling wouldn’t go away. The church service was to start at 7pm, but I walked through the doors a little after 6. Kris was just finishing up a meeting with some students from the Fortuna church. I sat in the back of the church and immediately felt comfort.

In between the meeting with the students and the start of the church service I finally was able to talk to Kris. I could barely speak clearly because God’s presence in that building was so powerful I could hardly function. I felt it all over me, and knew it was all over Kris as well. As we spoke Kris kept getting hit by God over and over again. Some of you may not know what I mean when I write that, and I really don’t know how to describe it. Others know exactly what I mean. We prayed and talked. He asked if I have a mentor. We talked more. He confirmed my feeling that I’m going to be used by God to help those caught in the nets of pornography. He also felt I need to attend the School of Ministry at Bethel in Redding. We talked a bit more both before and after the service and I left to make the long drive home. We agreed to meet again soon.

That’s where the confusion comes in: I’ve been thinking I need to move out of the area to take a break from my past and to get away from everyone locally who knows what I’ve been doing for a living. I’ve been thinking of taking this job and that job. I’ve even considered commercial fishing in Alaska for a 3 month season, just to take a break and BREATHE. But the words received from Kris indicate I may need to stay right here in town.

God, you’ve been speaking to me so much lately. I need your guidance yet again. Help me, please!


24 Comments

More of the Back Story, and Why I’m a Little Confused at the Moment

Right now I’m in a state of limbo. I’ve been offered jobs, one of which I wrote about here. That particular job paid well enough to meet my needs, but something inside told me I needed to check into it more. I drove to Seattle to do so. I asked a lot of questions of the man offering me the job. He mentioned not being able to sell extended warranties through their dealership because the state had temporarily suspended the sale of such warranties for all dealers. That didn’t sound right at all. To me, that sounded more like shady dealings and I wanted no part of such things. I left Seattle feeling that God was telling me that I just need to trust him. That particular job offer had been made as an answer to prayer in a time when I was feeling frustrated. I’ve used the term “faith building” when talking about this experience because that is exactly what it was: God building my faith in him. Are you insisting on an immediate job offer, Donny? Well here ya go!

My mom lives in San Diego and would love for me to move in with her. I could live upstairs. When my son comes to visit she’ll be able to watch him if I am at work. I’ve been on the phone talking to several companies down there, all of whom have assured me I’ll have no problems finding employment that will meet my income needs. My cousin also lives in the area and her fiancĂ© has spoken with one of his clients who has assured him that he’d most likely hire me as well.

And then there is Kris Vallotton, the Senior Associate Pastor of Bethel Church right here in Northern California. He throws a wrench into any plans I’ve been forming. For this to make more sense I’ll have to tell you the back story. Please be patient, as this will take a few minutes to explain:

When I first revealed to my ex-wife that I was producing porn we split up. She’s a strong Christian and that doesn’t mix well with producing pornography, as I’m sure you can imagine. At first she fought hard to change my mind. She also sought counseling from Bethel Church. Bethel is a very large church with more than 20 Pastors on staff, and as Senior Associate Pastor, Kris Vallotton is a very busy man who doesn’t do much counseling. Even so, he agreed to see Wendy and asked if she would bring me along. I agreed to see him once, more out of curiousity than anything. I listened to nothing Kris said and went on to have a pretty successful career in the adult industry.

The years passed and Belinda and I moved to Redding from Chico because we found the house we wanted to buy up here. PART of the reason I’d even decided to look in Redding was because I wanted to produce porn in the same town where Kris Vallotton pastored. In our counseling session so long ago, he told me I’d better stop messing with “God’s daughters”. I took that as a challenge. Since that time I’d made a very large amount of money and things were going really well. I was thumbing my nose at Christians. Still business grew. I wanted to challenge Kris, even if he didn’t know I was doing so. I figured that even if he didn’t remember my name, he’d find out soon enough that there was a pornographer doing business in his town.

Because of some of the seeds planted in my heart by the non-judgmental attitude of the Pastors of XXXChurch.com during the 2 years I’ve known them and given them a lot of grief, I started softening up just a little. Not to all Christians, of course, because I figured most were still as judgmental and ignorant as they’d always been in the churches I attended while growing up. But I was starting to think maybe there were more people like the XXXChurch staff. Because of this softening, I took my ex-wife’s advice to sit in on a Friday night service at Bethel just a few months ago. She assured me I’d find a group of people who accepted everyone. That particular Friday night I really enjoyed the service. Kris Vallotton happened to be the speaker, and he spoke on being non-judgmental. I was sure that was more than a coincidence, and his message planted more seeds in my mind.

The next week I emailed Kris and left voice messages. I wanted to talk to him one-on-one. I was assured by several people that he likely wouldn’t meet me. They all told me Kris would be too busy to talk to me. That really pissed me off. Here I am producing porn in his town, sending local models to publications such as Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler and websites all over the world, and he doesn’t have time to talk to me? In my mind I figured there should have been many things less pressing than to talk to a pornographer who is open to meeting with you. I decided Bethel must be more focused on business as usual than on “saving souls”, and I went on with my own business, more determined than ever to show Christians that God was blessing me despite the fact that I produce pornography. Belinda and I had been very busy shooting a soft core project for Playboy and the man I answered to at the company had been asking if we’d try shooting a new lesbian project. I tried reaching out to Kris Vallotton and received a “too busy” answer from his staff, so maybe it was time to pursue the offer from Playboy and start producing hardcore lesbian movies after all. That would show him and all the other Christians! And if we shot the lesbian movies Playboy was willing to pay 4 times as much as they’d been paying us. Nice!

Not long after that I was driving back from Playboy’s offices after meeting with one of their Vice Presidents. We’d discussed the lesbian movie project a bit more and I had agreed to start shooting for it. I already had models in mind that we’d start with. I was ecstatic. I prayed something along the lines of, “God, I don’t know why you still bless me so much even after everything I’ve been doing”. I kept talking to God for several minutes. I suddenly received an electric shock through my entire body. My hands shook as I drove the car off the road and into a Burger King parking lot. I sat in my seat for a few moments because I couldn’t move. I decided not to tell Belinda about this experience because she’d think I was crazy. I called my ex-wife instead because I knew she’d believe me. She was actually excited when I told her about it. She knew God was reaching out in a drastic way to get my attention. I began doing a lot of thinking and praying after that day. It was obvious God wanted me to return to him, but I wanted all of my questions answered first. It was just a few weeks later that I surrendered my life to God, despite the many unanswered questions I had in my head. If you’ve been reading my blog you know the story since that time.

Let’s return now to why I’m confused, and what Kris Vallotton has to do with that confusion.

Kris tried to get me to stop this lifestyle nearly 6 years ago but I ignored his counsel and grew my business anyway. The day after I called XXXChurch to tell them I was ready to live for God I felt a very strong urge to contact Kris. His itinerary on the Bethel Church website showed he was out of the country, but that he’d be speaking in Fortuna, California on Sunday, October 15th. He’d be back in town before that speaking engagement, but for some reason I knew Fortuna was where I needed to go to talk to him. That’s a 6 hour round trip from my house so I wasn’t looking forward to making the drive. I tried to get out of it on the morning of the 15th by going to Bethel instead. He had been there but left before I asked for him. Damn. I’d have to make the drive!

I still didn’t know exactly why I was feeling so compelled to talk to him. All I knew was that for weeks I’d felt the need to meet him in Fortuna. The feeling wouldn’t go away. The church service was to start at 7pm, but I walked through the doors a little after 6. Kris was just finishing up a meeting with some students from the Fortuna church. I sat in the back of the church and immediately felt comfort.

In between the meeting with the students and the start of the church service I finally was able to talk to Kris. I could barely speak clearly because God’s presence in that building was so powerful I could hardly function. I felt it all over me, and knew it was all over Kris as well. As we spoke Kris kept getting hit by God over and over again. Some of you may not know what I mean when I write that, and I really don’t know how to describe it. Others know exactly what I mean. We prayed and talked. He asked if I have a mentor. We talked more. He confirmed my feeling that I’m going to be used by God to help those caught in the nets of pornography. He also felt I need to attend the School of Ministry at Bethel in Redding. We talked a bit more both before and after the service and I left to make the long drive home. We agreed to meet again soon.

That’s where the confusion comes in: I’ve been thinking I need to move out of the area to take a break from my past and to get away from everyone locally who knows what I’ve been doing for a living. I’ve been thinking of taking this job and that job. I’ve even considered commercial fishing in Alaska for a 3 month season, just to take a break and BREATHE. But the words received from Kris indicate I may need to stay right here in town.

God, you’ve been speaking to me so much lately. I need your guidance yet again. Help me, please!