Donny's Ramblings


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Another Conversation with a Former Model

If you are thin skinned and can’t deal with language similar to that used in your favorite R-rated action movie, you don’t want to read this post.

Yesterday I received an email from a girl who worked for me when I was still in the adult industry.  The work she did for me has reared its head again in her life, and she thought I was behind it, sharing her photo content again. We’ve been emailing back and forth.  The conversation continues.

With her permission, I’m going to share parts of our email conversation with you.  I’ll highlight a few things that I think really say more than the words she used.  This is what porn really is, my friends…

Donny,

After doing a little research of my own, I soon learned that you have some affiliation with ******* here in Redding. I wanted to remind you that I did some nude shoots with you and your girlfriend Belinda about 10 years ago. I understand that my photos are available on the internet for anyone to look at, or save for that matter. However, I also know that it is with great detail that you may even find me on these various websites after all of these years. You would really have to search or have specific information about a model to actually find these photos now. At the time, I was interested in taking photos and exploring my individualism, and the money was decent for an 18 year old. Unaware at the time that my photos would be posted on a LOCAL website, I continued to shoot with you two. It was only after the trip to Baltimore that you sent me on, that I realized this was something that was no longer fun, or anything I wanted to do. I had the most awful experience there and was tricked into doing things that were not in my contract. Granted I did voluntarily go alone on this trip, I really did not have anyone to turn to while across the US. I was scared, and I felt betrayed by you. I recall you saying that the photographer was incredibly sweet and would make me feel comfortable. That was obviously not the case, so I decided that I did not want to shoot with you anymore.

For a couple years after I stopped, my photos started popping up in places, parties, friend’s phones, Myspace. I was humiliated. I went through a lot of judgment and ridicule. I was under the impression that the photos I was taking weren’t for local websites. After two shitty years of dealing with bullshit, to my own doing, I finally came to a place where I wasn’t ashamed anymore and I felt good about myself. Every now and again I would come across some asshole that still had my photos saved somewhere, a little fucking creepy and pathetic if you ask me. I mean, these photos are almost ten years old!

Recently, it has come to my attention that my photos are being shared again. Weird, it’s been 10 years, but it still feels like yesterday. I then put together that it was in fact you sharing my photos. You are the fucking creepy and pathetic asshole still sharing my photos after all these years even after I shared with you my personal struggle.

I am appalled at your actions, we’re both adults and I am even more surprised at your blatant disrespect for young women. I learned the hard way. I can only imagine how some of the other girls felt after growing up and realizing that they made huge mistakes. We can only rely on the hope that you and Belinda were decent people and as time went on these photos would disappear in some way. But no thanks to you, they have resurfaced causing a lot of pain in my life. I am disgusted, you have two daughters. How would you feel if they made mistakes in their life and someone like their father was making them relive their ultimate humiliation? Oh wow, just found you on Facebook and you’re a changed man huh? Christian! I call bullshit, I am even more disgusted with you!

In my reply to that initial email, I assured her it wasn’t me sharing her photos again.  A later message indicated why she thought it must be me (some of the photos were from a site that still exists, and bears the name I used to use).  After a bit of discussion, she wrote, “Ok I believe you. It’s possible that your name was used because of your previous affiliation. I’m sorry to come at you in attack mode, I have just been dealing with some unnecessary bullshit. Thank you for responding.”

I let her know that I’d be happy to help in any way possible.  If someone was using her photos in an illegal way, I could definitely help do something about it.  Her response also shares what went on in Baltimore (the bad experience mentioned above).  WARNING:  this part makes a brief reference to acts that some might find too graphic.  I’m leaving that in the post, because porn is what it is…

I don’t think anyone is using my photos illegally. I think they just have them saved somewhere or are able to access them. There was a sales guy named *****, not sure about his last name, who was taunting my ex with them. Your name was brought up, but it is possible that he was referring to the website (*****). In the past there were a couple of guys that claimed they knew you, but again, could have been lying. I will look more into it. I wish I could erase the photos from Baltimore. On that trip I was young and scared as it was. I couldn’t complete the fisting shoot, it hurt so bad and so I started to cry. He became frustrated with me and thought that if he talked dirtier that it would somehow help? But it made it worse. He then pulled me aside and told me that I would not get paid if I didn’t do it, and that I would be wasting his time if I couldn’t cooperate. It just wasn’t me. As far as I know, no one is claiming to be you. Thank you, I’m glad that you turned it around. I think when I was younger, I just saw dollar signs and thought my open-mindedness was of something different than it really is. OR I have grown up, who knows. Either way, I half-expected it to follow me forever in someway, and for that I am responsible.

I was able to apologize.  I’m so happy to have the opportunity to do so.  Her response was, “I really appreciate your apology, it truly means a lot. Thank you so much.”

My friends, when looking at porn, do you ever stop to think that the girl on the screen is someone’s beautiful daughter?  You wouldn’t want anyone to look at the content if she was your daughter.  Why is okay when it’s someone else’s daughter?


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An Email From a Beautiful Girl, both Inside and Out

Parts of the following email fill me with happiness, yet other parts break my heart, all at the same time. I’ve stayed in contact with this girl over the years since she modeled for “soft core” (meaning: posing solo/alone) images. She’s had ups and downs, but is now in school and has a really cool secretarial job. If you have a heart at all I think you’ll “get it”. I don’t have to write what is said between the lines, and I don’t have to talk about some of the things that have happened in her life. In fact, I’ve removed a few paragraphs because they were very personal. But enough remains that I think you’ll get the picture.

So, I don’t really go to people’s pages… but I clicked on yours and holy shit you went into a debate with Ron Jeremy. It made me happy. I can’t stand that guy. I’ve never seen him, in action, haha, but he’s an old slimy gross porn weirdo. And he gives me the heeby jeebys. Yuk.

I was going to say, also, that it’s not that I regret what I did as far as the shoots etc, some wierdo is getting his rocks off to my picture somewhere and that is a little disturbing, but I learned a lot. I learned that I don’t have to be slutty, to be sexy. I don’t have to be revealing to reveal beauty. I was a kid, at 18 honestly, no one can make decisions like that without someday most likely regretting it. I still don’t feel grown up, I still feel weird signing contracts, like even for a Macy’s card, because I think, will I regret this later. Mostly with contracts, you can cancel cards, etc. but with something that steals images of you in a way that you later regret, it really hits home, and I think about it a lot.

I used to be a lot more concious of my low self esteem, I always made sure I felt good about myself before leaving the house, I usually wore makeup and did my hair and I liked skimpy clothing, but really, now, now that I feel like I am a good person and I am beautiful no matter how crappy I think I look compared to the crap on tv, I just look back and I think about how stupid I was. I always try to learn from my mistakes, and that was one of them.

I thank you though, for being pretty damn cool about it the whole time, you never asked me to do anything that I felt was super weird, you never pressured me. And I still have the discs of the shoots, the few that I did, like two or something, plus that one thing… although I look cute, I don’t look pretty. I look like a HO to be honest. and it’s so far from myself that I feel like it wasn’t even me. What was me, was that night I called you, and you came and got me. Sorry if I am bringing things up that you really don’t wanna think about, but overall I am just glad that you got out of that whole thing. And that we kept in touch because you’re perhaps the only person in my life that understands me in this way, with the whole porn thing. I totally hate porn, now, and I kinda did before. Thats why I wanted only to do solo non video stuff… etc.

You’re a great guy.

I just kinda had a moment and my heart came out a little.

You understand me in a lot of ways no one does, and no one ever will, because you were the sole being that shared that experience with me. I don’t regret it, I learned from it. It was something I could see as becoming a trap, easy money etc, but it’s not easy, because it’s not easy on the mind. It doesnt hurt me anymore, it did for a little bit. But I’m a resilient person, I have been conditioned my whole life to be that way, to overcome major obstacles.

The naked body is kind of sacred, even more sacred to me since I showed it all because it made me realize how much it meant to me. That I should not share it freely, that it should be exclusive. A temple.

I asked if she’d let me use her email on my blog or when speaking to people:

I hope your talk goes extremely well! Ya, use whatever you want of what I say, it’s a compliment to me that it is worth something.

I’ve read through this several times. Sometimes I smile. Sometimes my eyes fill with tears. Do you get it? Really, do you? If you’re consuming porn, just stop. It doesn’t matter if you’re a producer or a consumer, in the Supply and Demand Circle we all play a part.


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Signed, Another Chico Girl – Yet Another Letter from a Former Model

I too posed for you years ago… I was only 18 for a few days when I impulsively made the decision to work with you. Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect on my life that it did on “Chico Girls” (above). My pictures were distributed all around town, for free which I was told was impossible…. My life changed drastically. I lost many people who I thought were great friends of mine, put my family and loved ones through more than I would ever have imagined, disrespected my self and my body, became severely depressed and rarely left my house because I was so ashamed… the list goes on. I lost sleep for months and ever where I went I heard whispers… It was the most humiliating experience I have ever been through. It has been almost 6 years since I took my pictures and they still come back to haunt me every now and then. Although I do think I personally made a terrible decision to take these pictures, I do have to say that the experience has made me a stronger person. I used to be somewhat judgmental and now am the complete opposite. I have no negative feelings towards the porn industry and the people in it, nor do I think any less of those involved. I just know it’s not for me. I have now learned to focus on many positive things in my life and have finally been moving forward since this “learning experience”. I am happy for you Donny that you have found your love for God. I hope the future brings you much happiness. God Bless.


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Porn Stories: Another Email from a Former Model

Hey there. Haven’t talked to you in a long time. I’m hoping what I’m reading is true. Good for you. I’ve wanted to talk to you for a few years now but haven’t had the guts.

Life’s been kind of hard since I took those pics with you 7-8 years back. I had to drop out of a class because the instructor was giving me his opinion about the photos that he just happened to stumble upon, the love of my life broke up with me cause of the pics, got back together with me but will never marry me, I’ve had people I work with get together behind closed doors and share those pictures with each other (had to quit), people recognize me when I’m out about town, I’ve lost my sense of security.

I’m guessing if what you say is true… you might be willing to consider giving up the rights to my photos? I’m sorry, it takes much courage for me to ask this but life has literally been hell for me since then. I’m a christian and I’m very ashamed of what I did. Though I can never take it back I would love to know that those pics will never be distributed by you again. Let me know what you think and if you would consider discussing this with me.

Thanks

I really wish I hadn’t sold my sites 10 months before surrendering my life to God. As things are, I can do nothing.


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Interview: Former Model Roschel Wynn

Roschel Wynn modeled for me when she was 19 years old. Yesterday I interviewed her for this podcast (which is also going to be released on the XXXChurch podcast as well as Jason Harper‘s Triad Podcast). She wanted to share her story, her experiences.

Beginning with a shoot that incorporated both photos and video content, her first job for us was for a Playboy owned website. She also modeled for a handful of amateur sites that purchased content from us. Even though she did all “solo” work and never touched another person, the work she did for us still affects her to this day.

Roschel reads this blog, so if you’d like to say something to her feel free to leave a message.

This audio interview lasts 33 minutes, 16 seconds. You can listen here:

Or download the file here:
Right click and save to your hard drive…


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A Message From a Former Model

For some reason, I’ve been really feeling compelled to contact one of the girls who modeled for me. I finally tracked her down and had a conversation with her via Yahoo Instant Messenger a few days ago. Amongst other things, I asked if she’d mind allowing me to interview her for the column I write for XXXChurch.com. I promised to keep her anonymous.

Today I received this message from her:

Donny-
Hey, well I’ve been thinking about our convo the last couple days and i finally went on your myspace to read some of your comments to see if you were truly being honest. I saw the last comment from the guy talking about seeing your pod cast on xxx church and so I decided to watch it. I’m so happy for you and I want to ask for your forgiveness. I was a horrible Christian when I was doing what I was doing. I was not only putting myself in a horrible position but I was putting you in that position too by allowing that to go on. I also wanted to tell you that I’ve hated you till now. I know it sounds extreme but I blamed you for where I was at. If it hadn’t been for you taking those pictures I would still be able to hold my head high. Now I’ve realized that that was Satan. He was telling me to blame you when all along I should’ve been blaming myself for everything that was going wrong in my life. I needed someone to blame other than myself. You were it. I’m sorry. Also I forgive you. I forgive you for taking the pictures. It sounds stupid because that was your job and I’m forgiving you for your job but for some reason I feel like I needed to say that. For what it’s worth. I would love to do the interview and if you want a testimony on screen I would love to tell my story. You don’t have to keep me anonymous. I feel like it makes more of an impact if you can see that person, it’s real. But it’s up to you, I’m just God’s tool. He makes everything good. Thank you Donny. You’ve helped me more than you know. Please give me a call when you have a chance. Talk to you soon. God Bless
-R

I removed the rest of her name because I want her to be very sure she’s okay going on record or on camera. If she’s sure about it, I look forward to allowing readers to place a face with yet another story of how porn affects the lives of those involved.

I am also very thankful for her forgiveness.

There will likely be more on this story in the near future…


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An Email I Received Today

From the boyfriend of a former model. He became her boyfriend after she had worked for me. This model keeps in touch with me from time to time. I’ve cross posted this to my MySpace blog as well as the column I write for XXXChurch.com.

My name is (Name removed) you don’t know me but my wonderful girlfriend had worked for you. Her name is (Name removed). When i heard she did a couple photoshoots with you it was probably the one thing that made me wonder if I could truly love her. I blamed you. I have since realized that I love that amazing girl no matter what. We have been together for a year. We have our own place together and couldn’t be happier. I had asked her why she still talked to you and what she said made a lot of sense.

“I have to learn to forgive myself and I want Donny to know I don’t blame him, he is probably doing enough of that on his own.”

I know a little about you from what she has told me and from the porn sunday blog you posted and I just wanted to let you know I think you’re doing good . I know it probably dosent mean much coming from someone you have never met but it makes me feel better to let you know. (Name removed) is loved with all my heart and is doing well. I hope life is good and that you are doing well also.

Wishing you the best of luck.

(Name removed)

This email… I don’t really know what I think about it. I can put myself in the place of this man and empathize with how he feels. This is the first email I’ve received from the boyfriend of a former model. I really am glad he contacted me.

Just a month or so ago I had another model that told me it’s hard for her to find a boyfriend. She’s an amazingly beautiful girl, but once a new love interest hears about the work she did for me he usually leaves. For a specific instance, she shared a story about a guy she’d been very interested in for quite some time. Things were progressing well for her until he learned about the modeling she’d done for me. As soon as he found out about it, he no longer wanted to date her. When she talked with her mother about it her mom said she could totally understand how the guy felt and didn’t blame him at all.

Both of these situations are examples of how porn affects the lives of those involved long after their “career” is over.

Here’s my response to the email above:

(Name removed),

I am glad you contacted me. I really don’t know what to say. I was a very selfish person, making money at the expense of other people for so long. I never took the time to consider how it would affect the models for the rest of their lives. I always justified my actions by saying “I warned them and they signed a release.” The truth is that I knew better. I had a bigger perspective. I chose myself over each and every model who worked for me.

I’m so glad you looked beyond the work (Name removed) did for me. She’s a really great girl who needs a good man in her life. She was young and naive, and I’m glad you don’t hold that against her.

I have no excuse, but thank God things have changed. As you know, I no longer produce porn. I now travel the country in an attempt to educate people about the realities of that industry. I don’t want to take away anyone’s rights to work in the business, consume porn, or produce it. But I do want people to realize there are real life consequences.

For what it’s worth: to you, as well as to her, I apologize. I wish the two of you nothing but the best. They say “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. I don’t think that’s just a cliché. For (Name removed), and for me, I think it’s very true.

Feel free to email me any time.

– Donny –