Donny's Ramblings


6 Comments

Focusing on What’s Important

We all get so easily distracted by petty things and ask the wrong questions. That’s what hit me as I read this:

Walking down the street, Jesus saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked, “Rabbi, who sinned: this man or his parents, causing him to be born blind?”

Jesus said, “You’re asking the wrong questions. You’re looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here. Look instead for what God can do. We need to be energetically at work for the One who sent me here, working while the sun shines. When night falls, the workday is over.”

Of course, we all know the outcome of that story: Jesus healed the blind man’s eyes so he could see.

I still have goosebumps, literally, from his words. “You’re asking me the wrong questions. You’re looking for someone to blame.” That is just SO like us. Like ME. Asking the wrong questions, and looking for someone to blame instead of searching, while the sun shines, for the work that I COULD and SHOULD be doing.

Today I’m going to try my hardest not to look for someone to blame. I’m going to keep my eyes open and try to see the work that needs done. God help me see it.

(more and more, I’m becoming a Jesus Freak)


3 Comments

Focusing on What's Important

We all get so easily distracted by petty things and ask the wrong questions. That’s what hit me as I read this:

Walking down the street, Jesus saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked, “Rabbi, who sinned: this man or his parents, causing him to be born blind?”

Jesus said, “You’re asking the wrong questions. You’re looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here. Look instead for what God can do. We need to be energetically at work for the One who sent me here, working while the sun shines. When night falls, the workday is over.”

Of course, we all know the outcome of that story: Jesus healed the blind man’s eyes so he could see.

I still have goosebumps, literally, from his words. “You’re asking me the wrong questions. You’re looking for someone to blame.” That is just SO like us. Like ME. Asking the wrong questions, and looking for someone to blame instead of searching, while the sun shines, for the work that I COULD and SHOULD be doing.

Today I’m going to try my hardest not to look for someone to blame. I’m going to keep my eyes open and try to see the work that needs done. God help me see it.

(more and more, I’m becoming a Jesus Freak)


28 Comments

What You Look For, You Will Find

At least 5 days a week I walk the Sacramento River Trail. If you’ve been reading very long you know this. These walks are my time with God. I learn a lot on The Trail.

Where the trail crosses behind the Elk’s Lodge there’s a beautiful place to sit and look out at the river. I’m sitting there now, writing this blog post from my iPhone using the WordPress Application I recently mentioned in another post.

I also mentioned a Bible Application provided by LifeChurch.tv for iPhone users. Since it was released I’ve incorporated it into my morning walking routine. I sit right here on this bench, stare out at the river, read a few passages, think about them a bit while watching the boats pass by and repeat that process until I’ve read through at least one chapter, often more. The computer nerd in me really loves being able to read multiple versions of the Bible on my iPhone.

This morning I’ve read through 3 chapters of John and found an answer to one of my never ending questions. I’ve read this chapter many times before, but I guess the time is just right today because it finally sank in.

In my blog post to “Carrie the Atheist” awhile back, you might recall that I voiced several of my concerns and questions with the Bible. One of those questions has to do with the ability of the writers of scripture to recall what Jesus said to them. Few of us can remember word for word the conversations we had just hours ago, yet the writers of the Bible are trusted to recall conversations with Jesus from decades before they were written down?

Here’s what I found this morning:

In John chapter 14 verse 26 Jesus is quoted as telling his disciples that when he is gone, the Comforter that he will send will, amongst other things, “bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.”

The Donny in me would bring up objections on how using this verse to prove its accuracy is pure circular reasoning. But the Comforter and I converse quite a bit on this trail, and on this day I believe this answer was meant for me to find. I choose to accept it.

What you look for you will find.

Next on my list? Those men who met in the fourth century to decide which books to include in our Bibles and which to toss aside… I’d like to believe they made the right decision. Dear God, please shed some light on this for me.

photo

photo


11 Comments

There's More to It Than Meets the Eye

At risk of sounding even kookier than ever before, I have to let out a bit of the excitement I feel inside. The best way for me to do this is to write. Writing is my release. And you, my constant readers, play your part in helping me find that release.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflection lately, as I’m sure you can imagine. I’ve thought back over my career in the adult industry. Out of habit, I keep telling people I was a porn producer for 8 years. In actuality I produced porn for a little over 9 years. My career started on a part time basis in the summer of 1997. It’s now fall of 2006. That equals 9 years if my math is correct. For the first few years I hid it from the good woman who is now my ex-wife. A strong Christian, she thought I was a “Technology Consultant” because that’s what I told her. Once she found out the truth we were finished.

It’s well documented how much I’ve hated Christians in the past. I’ve decided to leave all of those blog entries up because they are a part of my life. There may not be an active link to my old blog, but the search engines are full of my rebellious ramblings. From time to time I questioned the existence of God himself. Those questions were rather weak and didn’t last long. It’s hard to question His existence when nature itself screams out that an intelligent designer put everything together.

I prayed. Not all the time, but on a regular basis I’d communicate with God. I never once felt he had forsaken me. In fact, there were many times I’d look skyward and profess my belief that he must still be allowing my life to be blessed for some reason. I was able to see and do things the majority of the population will never experience.

God understood me better than I could ever understand myself. Yeah, that’s a very cliché thing to say, but it’s the truth. He was always there whispering in my ear, telling me that there is a lot more to HIS reality than what the church offered. So many people in church show up, stare blankly at their hymnals or the projection screen on the wall, listen to what the preacher has to say, and then go home unmoved. It’s routine. That must be all they need. That’s not enough for me.

I’m still bothered when I watch Christians. Since September 25th I’ve been going to church and have tried to make a point of sitting as close to the front as possible so I’m not distracted by the actions of others. My major problem is allowing myself to put my eyes on them instead of concentrating on my own relationship with God. I’ll write that again so it sinks in a little: I realize the problem is my own. I hate watching pretenders. I hate seeing people go through the motions because everyone else is, and they want to fit in.

I know it sounds crazy, and many will doubt it, but God has been communicating with me on a level I never would have believed possible. And he’s been doing so in many different ways. I’m very much convinced this has a lot to do with all the prayers reaching God’s ears from those of you who have heard my story. You’re helping so much and really spoiling me right now.

I’m going out on a limb now to show you an example of what’s been happening to me. If you think I’m off my rocker feel free to let me know. I can handle it. I still want to share this with you.

A bit more background information: I’m not one to just accept what others tell me. I need to learn something for myself. I need to understand and comprehend what’s happening. Things need to make sense to me. I’ve had so many questions in my mind over the years about events that happened in the Bible that make absolutely NO SENSE to me. Horrible things happened in the Old Testament, such as infants being ripped from their mothers wombs, supposedly at God’s command (read Hosea 13:16). I used those questions to criticize those who believe the Bible to be divinely inspired.

In the weeks leading up to my surrender to God I called Craig Gross from XXXChurch.com and told him I was done with porn but not quite ready to surrender to God because I had too many questions that needed answers. But deep inside I wanted to surrender. I finally did so, without all the answers I was looking for because I felt He was promising to help me find the answers to my questions. The search for said answers is going to teach me quite a bit more than I realize.

Dear Constant Reader, my answers are starting to arrive. I’m not going to keep quiet about this, even though I fear that speaking of the manner in which God has been answering might make me look insane to some of you. I am at the point where I really don’t care what other people think.

One of the MANY major questions in my mind has always been, “If God cares so much and loves us so much, why do people hurt and die?” Especially children.

As promised, God has begun to come through. Ready for the insanity? Here I go:

Last week I had a dream. In the dream I was in a store by a lake. My dad and step-mom were at the counter paying for something. I was reading through Hallmark cards when God started speaking to me in my head. My step mom nodded her head towards me so my dad would look my way and notice the huge smile on my face and the goose bumps on my arms. I began walking down the hall crying joyful tears and fell to the ground. God was speaking to me with a warm voice and in a tone that was very comforting. This was a dream, mind you, but the communication in that dream was answering the question I just wrote about. Here’s what he had to say:

These things are allowed to happen because of “choice” and “faith”. This earth belongs to us, and we must choose God, not because we want to have a perfect life, but because we truly want to know and commune with him. He needs to be our choice. He demands that the choice be entirely ours. EVERYONE would seek him if he made lives perfect. It’s “tough love” on his part to watch some of the suffering that happens here, but we learn things from our experiences that we aren’t even aware we’re learning. He won’t make our lives perfect for us just because we ask for it. We still have to work hard and live and love and play, but what he does offer is a comfort and bit of help once in awhile. And he also offers us the strength we need to face what life brings to us. In “the big picture” life itself is so fleeting, and the pain we experience while here is even shorter.

Some people say God has a plan for everyone. That is true, I’m sure. But we also have to be proactive to make that plan a reality. It won’t just “happen” if you know what I mean. So many people sit back in their easy chair eating bon bons and having the attitude that life will just happen for them because “God is in control”. Let me ask you a question… if you’re a parent, will you just allow your children to sit back and relax while you go out and get their life going for them, or will you encourage them to experience life on their own?

We can’t see the big picture. We can only see a tiny part of it. On the timeline of eternity we’re here on earth for less than a speck. I don’t completely understand what we learn here, but I have a feeling it’s a lot more than anyone realizes. Everything here serves a purpose. Some of the bad things that happen now are for reasons we won’t understand for a very long time.

A good parent won’t let their child eat too much candy. When children are young they may not understand why they are not allowed to eat all the candy they want. It seems so good! How can it be bad? Mommy and Daddy must be mean people to say “No, you can’t have anymore!” Eventually a child will grow and come to the understanding of “why” his/her parents were “so mean”. That’s what I was being told in my dream. I may not understand all of the “why’s” right now, but in time we all will. We’re on earth because the earth is a gift and a learning experience for us. Likewise, we have to pray because this is “our” world. It belongs to us, so we must invite God to do things for us. He doesn’t just enact his will, just as parents won’t go build a life for their child. But, like that parent, he will help out once in awhile when we ask.

All of that was revealed to me in my dream, and I am very confident such revelations are going to continue. Some of you may have already known these answers. For me, there is hearing and then there is KNOWING. Right now I’m being tutored one on one and I’m so excited I can hardly contain it.

I’ve never in my life experienced anything like this before. When people ask why I am willing to give up everything to “find God” I don’t really know what to tell them. How could I possibly explain what it’s like to have God’s presence descend on me? And how in the world can anything in my past compare to this experience? And why in the world did God choose to begin pouring his presence out on me after what I’ve been doing the past 9 years, when others seek to experience this and have never harmed others as I have done?

To those asking questions, all I have to say to you is this:

You simply can’t know… until you know. But as for me? I want more!


22 Comments

There’s More to It Than Meets the Eye

At risk of sounding even kookier than ever before, I have to let out a bit of the excitement I feel inside. The best way for me to do this is to write. Writing is my release. And you, my constant readers, play your part in helping me find that release.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflection lately, as I’m sure you can imagine. I’ve thought back over my career in the adult industry. Out of habit, I keep telling people I was a porn producer for 8 years. In actuality I produced porn for a little over 9 years. My career started on a part time basis in the summer of 1997. It’s now fall of 2006. That equals 9 years if my math is correct. For the first few years I hid it from the good woman who is now my ex-wife. A strong Christian, she thought I was a “Technology Consultant” because that’s what I told her. Once she found out the truth we were finished.

It’s well documented how much I’ve hated Christians in the past. I’ve decided to leave all of those blog entries up because they are a part of my life. There may not be an active link to my old blog, but the search engines are full of my rebellious ramblings. From time to time I questioned the existence of God himself. Those questions were rather weak and didn’t last long. It’s hard to question His existence when nature itself screams out that an intelligent designer put everything together.

I prayed. Not all the time, but on a regular basis I’d communicate with God. I never once felt he had forsaken me. In fact, there were many times I’d look skyward and profess my belief that he must still be allowing my life to be blessed for some reason. I was able to see and do things the majority of the population will never experience.

God understood me better than I could ever understand myself. Yeah, that’s a very cliché thing to say, but it’s the truth. He was always there whispering in my ear, telling me that there is a lot more to HIS reality than what the church offered. So many people in church show up, stare blankly at their hymnals or the projection screen on the wall, listen to what the preacher has to say, and then go home unmoved. It’s routine. That must be all they need. That’s not enough for me.

I’m still bothered when I watch Christians. Since September 25th I’ve been going to church and have tried to make a point of sitting as close to the front as possible so I’m not distracted by the actions of others. My major problem is allowing myself to put my eyes on them instead of concentrating on my own relationship with God. I’ll write that again so it sinks in a little: I realize the problem is my own. I hate watching pretenders. I hate seeing people go through the motions because everyone else is, and they want to fit in.

I know it sounds crazy, and many will doubt it, but God has been communicating with me on a level I never would have believed possible. And he’s been doing so in many different ways. I’m very much convinced this has a lot to do with all the prayers reaching God’s ears from those of you who have heard my story. You’re helping so much and really spoiling me right now.

I’m going out on a limb now to show you an example of what’s been happening to me. If you think I’m off my rocker feel free to let me know. I can handle it. I still want to share this with you.

A bit more background information: I’m not one to just accept what others tell me. I need to learn something for myself. I need to understand and comprehend what’s happening. Things need to make sense to me. I’ve had so many questions in my mind over the years about events that happened in the Bible that make absolutely NO SENSE to me. Horrible things happened in the Old Testament, such as infants being ripped from their mothers wombs, supposedly at God’s command (read Hosea 13:16). I used those questions to criticize those who believe the Bible to be divinely inspired.

In the weeks leading up to my surrender to God I called Craig Gross from XXXChurch.com and told him I was done with porn but not quite ready to surrender to God because I had too many questions that needed answers. But deep inside I wanted to surrender. I finally did so, without all the answers I was looking for because I felt He was promising to help me find the answers to my questions. The search for said answers is going to teach me quite a bit more than I realize.

Dear Constant Reader, my answers are starting to arrive. I’m not going to keep quiet about this, even though I fear that speaking of the manner in which God has been answering might make me look insane to some of you. I am at the point where I really don’t care what other people think.

One of the MANY major questions in my mind has always been, “If God cares so much and loves us so much, why do people hurt and die?” Especially children.

As promised, God has begun to come through. Ready for the insanity? Here I go:

Last week I had a dream. In the dream I was in a store by a lake. My dad and step-mom were at the counter paying for something. I was reading through Hallmark cards when God started speaking to me in my head. My step mom nodded her head towards me so my dad would look my way and notice the huge smile on my face and the goose bumps on my arms. I began walking down the hall crying joyful tears and fell to the ground. God was speaking to me with a warm voice and in a tone that was very comforting. This was a dream, mind you, but the communication in that dream was answering the question I just wrote about. Here’s what he had to say:

These things are allowed to happen because of “choice” and “faith”. This earth belongs to us, and we must choose God, not because we want to have a perfect life, but because we truly want to know and commune with him. He needs to be our choice. He demands that the choice be entirely ours. EVERYONE would seek him if he made lives perfect. It’s “tough love” on his part to watch some of the suffering that happens here, but we learn things from our experiences that we aren’t even aware we’re learning. He won’t make our lives perfect for us just because we ask for it. We still have to work hard and live and love and play, but what he does offer is a comfort and bit of help once in awhile. And he also offers us the strength we need to face what life brings to us. In “the big picture” life itself is so fleeting, and the pain we experience while here is even shorter.

Some people say God has a plan for everyone. That is true, I’m sure. But we also have to be proactive to make that plan a reality. It won’t just “happen” if you know what I mean. So many people sit back in their easy chair eating bon bons and having the attitude that life will just happen for them because “God is in control”. Let me ask you a question… if you’re a parent, will you just allow your children to sit back and relax while you go out and get their life going for them, or will you encourage them to experience life on their own?

We can’t see the big picture. We can only see a tiny part of it. On the timeline of eternity we’re here on earth for less than a speck. I don’t completely understand what we learn here, but I have a feeling it’s a lot more than anyone realizes. Everything here serves a purpose. Some of the bad things that happen now are for reasons we won’t understand for a very long time.

A good parent won’t let their child eat too much candy. When children are young they may not understand why they are not allowed to eat all the candy they want. It seems so good! How can it be bad? Mommy and Daddy must be mean people to say “No, you can’t have anymore!” Eventually a child will grow and come to the understanding of “why” his/her parents were “so mean”. That’s what I was being told in my dream. I may not understand all of the “why’s” right now, but in time we all will. We’re on earth because the earth is a gift and a learning experience for us. Likewise, we have to pray because this is “our” world. It belongs to us, so we must invite God to do things for us. He doesn’t just enact his will, just as parents won’t go build a life for their child. But, like that parent, he will help out once in awhile when we ask.

All of that was revealed to me in my dream, and I am very confident such revelations are going to continue. Some of you may have already known these answers. For me, there is hearing and then there is KNOWING. Right now I’m being tutored one on one and I’m so excited I can hardly contain it.

I’ve never in my life experienced anything like this before. When people ask why I am willing to give up everything to “find God” I don’t really know what to tell them. How could I possibly explain what it’s like to have God’s presence descend on me? And how in the world can anything in my past compare to this experience? And why in the world did God choose to begin pouring his presence out on me after what I’ve been doing the past 9 years, when others seek to experience this and have never harmed others as I have done?

To those asking questions, all I have to say to you is this:

You simply can’t know… until you know. But as for me? I want more!


22 Comments

Dear Pastor Tom

The following is an email I sent to “Pastor Tom”. The backstory is this: On two separate radio shows Tom has voiced his opinion that the pastors of XXXChurch have made unwise decisions when setting up their booth on the show floor of porn shows. He says this because he has a hard time believing men can be surrounded by porn and not be tempted to “sin”. This is the letter I emailed to him in response.

Pastor Tom,

My name is Donny Pauling. My blog can be found at http://www.donnysramblings.com . I was formerly known as Donovan Phillips and I produced pornography from 1997 until September 25, 2006. I’m sure you know my story. It seems everyone does.

I’ve listened to your interviews with XXXChurch. I just have to tell you very simply and bluntly: you’re wrong. Sorry, but you are. And I mean nothing personal by this, but to be entirely honest I never would have responded to you. You’d have done the opposite of “turning me on” to Christ. It is people with the attitude you have in your two interviews that turned me off completely. In fact, part of the reason I delved deeper and deeper into porn was to shove it into the faces of people like you from my past. I wanted to shock them as much as possible and send them hiding behind the “holy” walls of their local church. That sounded very harsh, I know. But I just want to tell you the honest truth. I’ll elaborate more as my email progresses.

Personally, I never would have given the guys from XXXChurch a second look had they NOT been on the floor of the show. If they had stood on the outside of the door I would have looked at them as I did every other “Christian” at that time: judgmental and thinking of themselves as “too good” or “too holy” to come inside with me.

Now please believe me: I understand some of your concerns about putting pornography in front of the faces of men. I used to “give ’em hell” on the XXXChurch blogs and message boards about the exact same issue. Why? Because I knew that’s where my comments would hurt them most. I knew, from my Christian background, that would be where Christians such as yourself would be “hitting them” as well. I pounded away on that same wound because that is where these guys are most vulnerable. I KNEW that the very people who should be supporting them most, the Christians, would undoubtedly pound on them for being in there with all of us sinners.

I don’t think you realize how horribly most Christians hurt people. The judgmental attitude does so much more harm than good. Let me give you a story from my past that really burned me up when dealing with Christians: I attended a church where a very “sinful” woman came to give her heart to God. She was saved and tried hard to walk the path she knew she must walk. But she had fallen so low in her life that it was very difficult not to mess up at times. Soon she’d messed up enough that a few of the “saints” made her feel really bad about it. On a Sunday morning when the rest of us were in church, she put a gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger. Her children were left without a mother and there is no doubt in my mind that a big part of the blame lays on the “saints” who made her feel guilty and unworthy. They were her last hope and failed her miserably.

Because of situations like this I absolutely HATED Christians. I can’t honestly say all of that hatred is completely gone, but I am certainly asking God to take it away. Christians seem to forget that the very word “Christian” means they must be “like Christ”. Jesus was not judgmental. He shunned the saints to hang out with the sinners. He spent his time in those places where the need was greatest. Jesus would have been on the porn show floor with us.

People like you, sir, spend your time amongst the saints. You are too good/afraid to sin/ whatever to get out there with us sinners. For that, most of us hate you. In fact, if I gave you the list of adult industry message boards you’d see that I am now facing an enormous amount of persecution from my former colleagues in the porn business simply because I’ve publicly professed my decision to follow Christ. All of that hatred is due to their own past experiences with Christians. Their perceptions of what being a Christian means has been so screwed up by the “saints” that they have no idea what it means to find someone who is truly trying to be like Christ.

That is why the men from XXXChurch got my attention two years ago. They were NOT afraid to come in on my level. They were confident that Jesus Christ would give them the strength they needed to face the temptations they may or may not face, all so that they could focus on their goal of bringing his message of love to me and all of the other pornographers and porn actresses and sinners alike. I gave them such grief for that… so much so that they had to ban me from their sites a few times. But I was testing them. I was beating them up to see if they stood up to it.

In a perfect world you could respond to this message and tell me that I need to put my eyes on God and take them off of men. In a perfect world you’d be right. But here in the real world we have to live with the fact that the only “flesh and blood” most people will ever see from God comes in the shape of those who profess to follow him, and we therefore have to either (a) be perfect or (b) acknowledge that we’re just human beings too. Since “a” isn’t possible we must go with “b”. And having an attitude that we’re too holy to mingle with the sinners doesn’t work for letter “b”.

Now, since you doubt that Christian men can go into a porn convention without being tempted beyond what they’re able to bear, let me tell you a little about said porn shows. I know JR wants you to go with him to Las Vegas to experience this for yourself, but perhaps I can shed a bit of light before hand. Please forgive me because I’m about to get a little graphic, but you’re a big boy and I know you can handle it. Here I go with some examples from this past AVN show in Las Vegas:

1. In one display area there were videos playing where young ladies put suction cups on their genitals. These cups sucked said genitals so hard they began to swell to several times their normal size. The resulting images and videos showed vaginas that were horribly deformed. Sound good to you? (visit xxxchurch.com for help if it does)

2. In another display there were devices being sold that looked like pogo sticks. On part of this “pogo stick” was a penis. The intent of this object is for a woman to place it inside herself and bounce on it. The people selling this item were rather hairy and sweaty. Turned on yet? No? Okay, let me see if I can do better.

3. How about videos of machines that are made strictly to have sex with women? A dildo is placed on the end of a mechanical device that rotates at several thousand RPMs, rapidly penetrating a model on the other end. Do I have you going yet?

You mean you’re not turned on? Your stomach is churning? I know how you feel, because the first time I was at the show I felt sick to my stomach as well. But it really sucks that I’ve already grossed you out because I haven’t even told you about some of the most depraved forms of entertainment being shown on the floor. I haven’t told you about the transsexual who was wandering the floor in his pink dress with his penis hanging out for all to see. I bet that would have moved you, right? I haven’t told you about the objects being sold that are meant to inflict pain on genitals of both men and women, along with the graphic photographs meant to portray how those objects are to be used. I haven’t told you about…. Okay, I’ll stop. Take a deep breath. You’ll be okay, I promise.

See, it’s altogether possible that Christian men who are on a mission to help deliver lost souls from the porn industry ARE INDEED able to resist the “temptations” they run across. And don’t you see how it might make an impact on those of us wandering the floor that these “Bible Thumpers” aren’t afraid to spend time with us in such an environment? It definitely gets our attention and makes us wonder what’s going on. What are these people doing in here passing out “Jesus loves porn stars” shirts? Why are they giving us Bibles? Why are they asking us to sign some chart that says we’ll go without porn for just one week… just give it a try? I can tell you from experience, it plants seeds. My seeds took a few years to germinate, but they eventually popped out of the ground. Why? Because I was seeing men who were truly acting like the Jesus Christ I’d read about in my earlier years. These men were spending time with us “tax collectors” and “prostitutes”. They weren’t standing around having pious discussions with each other like all the pharisees I’d known growing up.

Sir, I doubt you can stomach the things you’d see at a porn convention. But thank God he has a few men who can.

Respectfully yours,

Donny Pauling
Former Porn Producer


22 Comments

Fuel! Further ignite my fire, please!

When I began my career as a porn producer I caught a lot of flack from Christians. I used their comments to fuel my drive to delve deeper and deeper into the adult entertainment business.

Now, in part, I’m using the people in the adult entertainment business to help my drive to become a full-blown Jesus Freak. While I still have a handful of people from the business who are proving they are true friends (by supporting my decision even if they don’t agree with it), the overwhelming majority of people are just getting more and more cruel with their comments.

One man I used to consider a good friend has begun publicly tearing me apart. That one instance is really the only person who hurts me at this point. The rest just fuel my fire.

Some enjoy throwing my own comments back in my face. They’ll quote things I’ve written in my old blog and smugly think they’re proving something. I guess they missed that note on the left column of this new blog where I’ve written that those past blog entries have been left on record on purpose. I’m not hiding from anything I’ve said. We’ve all been wrong in our lives. I wrote many mean, hurtful things about Christianity. At the time, it was one of the ways I vented my frustrations with organized religion. I didn’t know it then, but with everything that’s happened in my life since September 25th, it’s rather evident that I was just deluding myself. God has the power to change hearts. He has definitely changed mine.

I really enjoy self-analysis. I try to be as honest with myself as possible. I realize that I keep going back to the message boards and responding because I really, truly need to read what is being written. It drives me. It gives me further resolve to do everything in my power to never again give up on God. I don’t want to fail and prove the ignorant to be right about me.

Perhaps that’s a bad attitude for me to take, but at least it’s an honest one.