Donny's Ramblings


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Almost a Week on My Own Again

Last Sunday I moved into a tiny studio apartment only a few miles from my son. It’s basically a hotel room with a bathroom and kitchen. It’s perfect.

The owner of the place asked if I’d prefer a larger one or two bedroom unit but I declined. For some reason, this studio just fits what I want out of life right now: simplicity.

I’m still within driving range of the churches I enjoy attending, but now it’s a 5 minute drive to see Caden and Wendy. It’s only a few minutes further to visit John, my best friend. In fact, the two of us took a 3 hour walk yesterday morning, which probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do right before work. I’m used to exercising half that amount of time. It was also not such a wise decision to choose yesterday as the day I doubled my exercise time because I had to follow it with nearly 3 hours of driving to photograph more than 100 cars in the nice, too-warm 85 degree California sun.

One positive: I slept very well last night. 🙂

Living alone again, yet being so close to my son, has been great so far. I don’t have to worry about getting dressed every morning just to walk the hall to the bathroom (that has to be the worst part about having roommates). Now I can just run around in my “natural state”.

Fortunately for my neighbors, I keep the shades drawn.


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Birds Flying High, You Know How I Feel

FIRST TIME VISITORS: CLICK HERE

I’m sitting in Starbucks with my headphones seated firmly on my ears listening to Michael BublĂ© on iTunes.

Birds flying high,
You know how I feel.
Sun in the sky,
You know how I feel.
Reeds driftin’ on by,
You know how I feel.
It’s a new dawn,
It’s a new day,
It’s a new life,
For me.
And I’m feeling good…

The rest of the lyrics are overlaid as Michael sings on this video (and are also continued below):

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
blossom in the trees you know how I feel

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don’t you know
Butterflies all havin’ fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good

As I write this I occasionally switch to NFL.com to see if the Bears have pulled it out in overtime against the Seahawks. I hope so, because Bill Giovannetti is going to be heartbroken and will take a lot of crap if the Bears lose.

I haven’t written a new blog entry in a week. Sorry about that, Julia. I promise there’s nothing wrong.

I’m just really busy.

The new business has really taken off and doing justice for my clients takes a lot of time. When the work day ends I just don’t have enough creative juices left to write.

I miss it.

A lot.

I want to write even if I have nothing to say.

My ex-wife thinks it’s weird that I write at all.

Bah. She’s an ex-wife.

Great woman and amazing mother, however.

Nice! The Bears have done it. They’ve kicked a winning field goal in overtime. Bill can once again wear his Bear’s jersey for next Sunday’s sermon.

This week John Hunt proved yet again what a great friend he is by helping me photograph the entire used car inventory for my newest client.

His photos turned out much better than mine.

It only cost me a couple pizzas and a cup of Starbucks White Mocha.

That won’t always be the case, however. John will soon be a paid employee, bringing his official job count to 2. John already works full time as an Industrial Mechanic. Soon he’ll also be the Vice President of Dealer Web Concepts. He told me he better be really nice to my son, Caden, because he may answer to him someday.

That made me laugh. Probably for a lot longer than I should have laughed. It’s just so funny thinking of my beautiful 7 year old son ordering my best friend around.

I’ve developed a love for podcasts and audio books. I can put them on my iPod and listen to them as I drive around or service client accounts. I’ve read Rob Bell’s Velvet Elvis, and am now listening to him read it as well. I also enjoy listening to sermons from my favorite pastors/preachers from across the country.

Of course, music inspires me as well. I spend too much of my spare time on iTunes listening to previews and hitting that “buy” button if I like something. I spent a few hours the other night browsing through the Christian top 100 list.

Time I could have spent blogging.

Tomorrow I meet with a prospective new client. They haven’t even heard my presentation yet and already they tell me they’re eager to get started.

God is good.

I’ll try to blog again in a day or two.

I love your feedback.

Send more of it.


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Meltdown: Crash and Burn

Last Friday night:

I’m leaving my best friend John’s house. In just a few hours it will be my birthday. John has given me good advice about the situation at hand.

“Why did she pick this day of all days, John?”

“Go home and forget about it. Just go to sleep or something. Forget it. What good will it do you to keep thinking about it?”

But my feelings are hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel unimportant. I feel rage, but the rage is now being fueled by vodka and orange juice as I sit alone in my house. The stop at Raley’s Supermarket to purchase this beverage, a beverage that was intended to put me to sleep, turns out not to be such a good idea.

I drink into the wee hours of Saturday morning.
I crash and burn.
I melt down.
In public.

———-

The meltdown was witnessed in one of the last places where it should have happened: an adult webmaster forum where pornographers from all over the world converse with each other online. Thousands of them, all of whom knew Donny had become a Christian.

Except, now they’re seeing Donny act very unlike a follower of Christ. Donny is getting into arguments with some. Tearing down others.

Tearing down Belinda.
In public.

Complete failure.
In public.

———-

Belinda and I played a sex game for 10 months that ended in February of this year, 7 months before I surrendered my life to God. Perhaps someday I’ll share with everyone what I learned about stupidity, pride, ego and relationships from that experience. But let’s suffice it to say that even now, despite spending months and months trying to deal with the wages of our sin, it still is allowed to influence the lives of all involved.

That game had a lot to do with this meltdown.
I’m still influenced by past sins that ended months ago.

I try to make myself feel better by pointing out that others played a big part in all of this.

“Yes, I did ___, but they did ___!”

That logic doesn’t stop my stomach from churning. Even today, almost a full week later, my stomach is still a mess. It grumbles loud enough for people to hear it 20 feet away. I am that disgusted by my actions.

Thousands of eyeballs in the adult entertainment industry are watching me. Many doubt my “conversion” is genuine. This sure didn’t help alleviate that doubt.

———-

Three weeks ago I met a counselor at a small group meeting. She’s also a published author and writes for a well known Christian magazine. I emailed her and asked if she’d be interested in writing about my “testimony” for the magazine. In response, she very bluntly let me know that I do not yet HAVE a testimony… that I am just another sinner who asked to be rescued from a sinful life. She put me in my place. She made me think. She made me realize that my ego is still enormous. Two days ago she saw me again and commented that I’ve noticeably changed.

This meltdown had a lot to do with that. I’ve realized I am not strong, like I thought I was. I realized I am not beyond my razor-sharp tongue. I am still a man who jumps at the chance to rip people apart for hurting my feelings.

Song lyrics are stuck in my head.

What’s going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior. This only serves to confirm my suspicions: that I’m still a man in need of a savior.


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The Second Day

Yesterday I complained about having to work for someone else. Today I got up early and went back in for more punishment.

It wasn’t bad at all. I had a great talk with the owner and was happy to learn he’s a Christian. He put me to work on a project that will keep my mind occupied and provide new challenges.

About the only negative part of the day was when I had my ego tested by another employee, who decided to address me, the new guy, with a whole lot of attitude. God, help my ego. I didn’t back down. I didn’t raise my voice, but I firmly let the man know, in front of several other employees, that when he begins signing my checks I’ll allow him to talk to me like he did. He went running to the boss man to let him know that the new guy responded to his attitude with attitude of his own.

I admitted to the boss (oh how I hate that word) that I probably shouldn’t have responded as I did, but he was laughing while hearing my side of the story and told me not to worry about it. I guess this particular person feels threatened by new employees and tries running people off right away. Sorry, this is the wrong guy to try intimidating.

As I said, God help my ego. I really need to learn to lay it down.

__________

Later this evening I took my best friend John with me to Sacramento, where we met with the producer of a new film that will be coming out soon. I have no idea how many details I’m allowed to reveal, so I won’t say much about it. What I will say is that the group of people with whom I spoke have come up with a very good way to help those struggling with pornography. I was very impressed by their plan. The best part about it is that no first amendment rights are infringed upon, and both sides of the porn debate should be able to rally around.

We filmed an interview in which they asked numerous questions about my background in the adult entertainment industry as well as my opinions on their plan. We ended up shooting 2 hours worth of footage, and kept talking for another hour after the camera was turned off. If you’re a man who struggles with internet pornography, let me assure you help is on the way. As soon as the film is available for viewing I’ll tell you more about it.


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John Hunt: My Best Friend

John must have downloaded Firefox 2.0, because I didn’t notice any spelling errors in his latest blog entry. One of my favorite things about version 2.0 is the built in spell checker. I love it. Not that I ever need it, mind you. Nope, not me!

Yesterday afternoon I started writing a draft of today’s blog entry. I intended to finish that draft this morning. My normal routine is to wake up, pee and immediately fire up the laptop. I sit on the couch and read the latest from my favorite blogs and news sites before beginning to write here. Sometimes I won’t finish and I’ll just save a draft, intending to complete it later.

When I read John’s latest entry my day’s writing plans immediately changed. I put off the draft I started yesterday. I’ll get back to it later. Instead I’m going to tell you a bit about John Hunt.

John is the most “real” person you’ll ever meet. You don’t have to worry what he thinks about you because he’ll tell you to your face. He doesn’t believe in pretension. I appreciate that very much.

I surrendered my life to God on September 25th, 2006, a Monday. I didn’t tell John for four days, when we met that Friday to watch monster trucks running over cars at a local fairground. John brought his brother, who has been a big fan of “my work” as a pornographer for several years.

A few beers into the evening, I told John I was giving up shooting porn because I’d turned back to God. He laughed like I was joking. I told him I was serious, so he nudged his brother. The two of them both decided I was trying to pull one over on them.

It wasn’t until several days later that John actually started believing me. And it blew his mind a little. He can’t understand how I’d give up my lifestyle for a being he can’t bring himself to believe exists. I totally understand his point of view, because it wasn’t that long ago my opinions were very similar to his.

Lately, out of the blue, John sometimes asks questions about God or about core Christian beliefs. He’s seeking, and becoming a bit frustrated because he’s not finding what he’s looking for.

At first I tried to answer each question. It became apparent rather quickly that I can’t give him what he seeks. And that’s where you come in, my Constant Readers. I am asking that you keep John in your prayers and ask God to literally touch him, just as he did me. I’m asking for a dramatic “God encounter” for John. You may or may not know what I mean. Pray for it anyway. Now. Why are you still reading? You should be praying for John. [Grin]

I’m also asking that you visit his blog and leave a comment if you’re so inclined.