Donny's Ramblings


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Don’t you wanna take your old myspace down??? Ewww.

The title of this post is an exact copy and paste of an email I received from Wendy at 6:30PM yesterday. My reply was:

” Yeah, you’re right. I need to take it down. Thanks for prompting me.

You’re a great inspiration to me, Wendy. I appreciate you immensely. I can’t express how much.”

She really is an inspiration to me. I put her through hell and she loved me still. I did things to her that made her think she was going crazy. She is still there. She never gave up on me. She really has been showing Jesus with her actions.

Her mother never gave up on me either. Her entire family for that matter. They all kept praying. Wendy will admit that she thought I was a lost cause and gone for good, but her mom never felt that way. I love that family.

I still have a myspace account, but it’s in my real name instead of the stage name I used when producing porn. I’d left the old one sitting there and would post a bulletin from time to time to direct people here to my blog. It was time to just shut it down.

This time period of my life is very challenging. I’ve been blogging about that for several days. But throughout the difficulty I’ve had no desire to return to my former career and I keep holding on to Jesus. I’ve been shown a glimpse of the future and it makes me smile on days when I don’t feel like smiling.

THE HOUSE

Yesterday I felt like I was at a place where I could not stand to live in this house another day. There are too many memories here. I went looking for another place to live and found two places that said I could move in, one of which said that I could do so in a week.

Wendy told me it wouldn’t matter where I live because I’ll never want to be home. She knows this from experience because of what she went through when the two of us parted ways. Still, God answers prayers and I’d been literally crying out to Him and begging that He help me get out of here.

Yesterday evening at 6:18PM my Realtor called and told me there had been an offer made on the house. It’s been for sale for a very long time without a single offer. Now, on the day I feel like I can’t stand living here anymore, an offer is made. Today I’ll meet with the Realtor to discuss it and see if I want to accept or reject it.

When we cry out from the depths of our soul, God answers.


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Don't you wanna take your old myspace down??? Ewww.

The title of this post is an exact copy and paste of an email I received from Wendy at 6:30PM yesterday. My reply was:

” Yeah, you’re right. I need to take it down. Thanks for prompting me.

You’re a great inspiration to me, Wendy. I appreciate you immensely. I can’t express how much.”

She really is an inspiration to me. I put her through hell and she loved me still. I did things to her that made her think she was going crazy. She is still there. She never gave up on me. She really has been showing Jesus with her actions.

Her mother never gave up on me either. Her entire family for that matter. They all kept praying. Wendy will admit that she thought I was a lost cause and gone for good, but her mom never felt that way. I love that family.

I still have a myspace account, but it’s in my real name instead of the stage name I used when producing porn. I’d left the old one sitting there and would post a bulletin from time to time to direct people here to my blog. It was time to just shut it down.

This time period of my life is very challenging. I’ve been blogging about that for several days. But throughout the difficulty I’ve had no desire to return to my former career and I keep holding on to Jesus. I’ve been shown a glimpse of the future and it makes me smile on days when I don’t feel like smiling.

THE HOUSE

Yesterday I felt like I was at a place where I could not stand to live in this house another day. There are too many memories here. I went looking for another place to live and found two places that said I could move in, one of which said that I could do so in a week.

Wendy told me it wouldn’t matter where I live because I’ll never want to be home. She knows this from experience because of what she went through when the two of us parted ways. Still, God answers prayers and I’d been literally crying out to Him and begging that He help me get out of here.

Yesterday evening at 6:18PM my Realtor called and told me there had been an offer made on the house. It’s been for sale for a very long time without a single offer. Now, on the day I feel like I can’t stand living here anymore, an offer is made. Today I’ll meet with the Realtor to discuss it and see if I want to accept or reject it.

When we cry out from the depths of our soul, God answers.


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And So It Begins…

On several occasions I’ve mentioned that my “possessions” will soon be history. If my house doesn’t sell, it will be foreclosed upon. Repossession of at least one vehicle is unavoidable. Wherever I go to live next will undoubtedly be too small to accommodate all the things that currently take up space in my home. Belinda has first choice at whatever she wishes to take with her. After she’s picked through everything I’ll probably have a yard sale and put the rest in storage somewhere.

Oh, and see that “Hosted By Swiftwill” section at the top of the right column? That link is part of a deal I made just earlier today with my hosting company because I can’t afford to pay attention right now, much less web hosting. Swiftwill is a great company and agreed to allow me a certain amount of bandwidth in exchange for the advertising link. If you’re searching for hosting, please honor their generosity by at least giving them a shot to earn your business.

And so it begins…

Today I had a long conversation with the bank who holds the title on my Chevy 2500 Duramax pickup. I’d be taking it to them tomorrow if I wasn’t going to be on a plane to Michigan. It came down to a choice between keeping the truck or keeping the Honda Accord I purchased in July. The Accord was purchased brand new, with better fuel economy and a lower monthly payment, so the choice wasn’t a difficult one. Now let’s hope I can keep making the payments on it while continuing to make my child support and cost of living payments.

My credit report will soon show a voluntary repossession for the Chevy. Am I bummed? Maybe a little. But it’s only a truck. And credit rebounds over time. Life goes on.

Tomorrow I fly to Grand Rapids. Saturday and Sunday I’ll be speaking to hundreds of people. I choose to focus on those events, rather than this one. God can use my story to change lives this weekend and I’ll be honored and blessed if he does so.


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My House is For Sale

Out of the blue, Belinda and I received a letter from a Realtor in town asking if we were willing to sell our house. The letter stated he had a client interested in purchasing it, and that if we were interested in selling he’d like to talk to us. The only people we’ve informed of our need to get rid of the house are our friends and family (and all of you who read the blog of course), so I had no idea why such a letter would arrive precisely when we were trying to decide what to do with it. I’ve been resigned to the idea of foreclosure, because the market is so slow here in Redding, and 3 houses on our block have been for sale for months.

I called him immediately. We now have a “For Sale” sign sitting out front, and he has people who want to come take a look. Hopefully the clients he mentioned will buy it. If not, at least it’s on the market now, so it’s fair game for all. If you know someone in the Redding area, or wishing to move to the Redding area, tell them to check this place out.

Click the photo thumbnail above or click here to see more.


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Heavy Hearted on a Sunday Morning

This blog entry may come across as a bit of a bummer, but please know that while my heart may be heavy, my soul is so free. I have an inner peace and a joy that I haven’t had in a very long time. Many will question why I pour out such personal matters in public, but you must realize writing is a great help to me. I know others identify with many of the issues I write about, and the emails and blog comments I receive from my readers encourage me greatly. Hearing the stories of others who face similar situations helps me realize I am not alone.

So begins today’s blog…

You’ve heard the term heavy hearted. The last few days I’ve come to personally know what it means. My heart literally feels heavy, as if it’s trying to drop into my stomach.

Two factors contribute to this feeling. First on the list is Belinda. The other issue can be summed up in two words: bill collectors.

First things first.

Since Thursday, Belinda has been in Los Angeles at an adult industry convention known as Webmaster Access West. Industry conventions are great places to network and acquire new business, but the highlights of these conventions and the reason so many people attend are the elaborate parties that continue until 4am each day. This particular event culminates in the mother of all parties: a night at the Playboy Mansion for those lucky enough to receive an invitation.

It saddens me that Belinda’s there, surrounded by people who pretend to be her friend while speaking face to face or while intoxicated, yet don’t really give a crap about her at any other time. The two of us have attended numerous conventions all over the country. That after-party letdown still exists while together, but it’s dulled by being there with someone who loves you. This time she’s there alone, with nobody to truly care about her when the party subsides. She’s called a few times and admitted to feeling depressed anytime there’s “nothing going on”. I emailed her a few days ago:

All of those “fun” things are temporary fulfillments of permanent problems. I know you have a hard time understanding why I’d give everything up to follow something I ridiculed for so long. What you don’t know is that Jesus fills that void for me. Once I surrendered myself to him he became so real. Up until the point of surrender it’s impossible to realize how nice it is to just accept him. It’s really a warm feeling inside. Even on bad days, it feels good to be free of the business.

She’s been attending “after parties” in the suite of one of Playboy’s Vice Presidents. I went on to write:

It’s so “great” to hang out with the bigwigs from Playboy but none of those people truly care about you, and you’ll hardly cross their mind until you meet them again at the next show or send them a content package. Think about this for a minute: a bit of attention from them, a handshake and a few hours of hanging out drinking buys them your devotion for the rest of the year. They don’t have to recruit the models and feel the guilt when daddies no longer want to speak with their daughters, because we do that for them. They’re insulated from the human toll it takes for them to make a living. They buy that insulation from you and I with a few thousand dollars per model and a handshake at a show. I doubt they’d have the back bone to take a phone call from a crying girl.

I know deep inside she feels the same way I do about this business. But without the hope of Christ she feels there is no choice but to continue doing what she’s known these last several years. I feel so inadequate talking to her about the Bible and God’s love because all she’s ever heard from me is the bashing I used to do. Those of you who read my blog before I surrendered my life to God probably remember some of the horrible things I said about Christianity. Belinda’s heard that for the entire time we’ve been together – almost 6 years. And now I’ve done a 180 degree turn in everything I believe.

Or was it a change of mind after all? The more I think about the way I used to profess believing, the more I realize that deep inside I knew I was wrong. I fought very hard against the truth, and my words and the opinions I wrote were one of the ways I tried to convince myself that I was okay following a selfish path. How do I show that to Belinda? I’m failing hard so far. As I wrote a few days ago, anytime she begins to question my conversion by throwing some of my old attitudes in my face I get angry with her. So much for showing the love of Jesus. I desperately pray for God to help me find a way.
———-

The bill collectors have begun to call. I’ve been preparing myself for it but it still gets me down a bit. I can’t begin to describe how it feels to be able to work one day and make more than enough to pay both car payments, or even a house payment. I have a 2006 Honda Accord that I purchased new earlier this year. My payment is almost $600 for that one. And a second vehicle, a 2003 Chevy truck with a Duramax diesel engine, also runs in the mid $600s each month.

Had I been more responsible with the money I made in porn I’d have paid cash for everything. After a very poor background as a Pastor’s son, my ego loved nothing more than having to prove my income when making a purchase. It was fun to watch a salesman’s face when I pulled out documentation proving income that rarely dropped below $20k per month. The only reason it would even get that low is because I’d feel lazy and would decide to work half a month and vacation the other two weeks. If Belinda and I worked hard, our monthly income easily exceeded $50k, yet we’d have all that money spent within weeks. It was so easy to simply make a phone call, schedule a model, pick up a camera, and be paid by the end of the day, or at most 2 days later. My clients were great. I’d invoice them via email and many of them would wire the money into my account. Even the “slow” payers would fed-ex out a check for 1 or 2 day delivery. Saving was always something I’d do later. It was just too much fun to live life as large as possible.

What an idiot!

Now I have to prioritize where I spend the limited money I make (oh poor poor Donny – he gets to experience real life). My first priority is to Wendy and Caden (if you’re new here, that’s my ex-wife and my 6 year old son). I’d rather have to lose my vehicles and ride the bus than to make them suffer. Wendy’s already agreed to accept a fraction of the amount I used to pay her, but that’s still going to be a struggle to provide. Last month XXXChurch let the need be known and God came through for her. I didn’t ask nor want them to send anything my way because I didn’t want to diminish what was being sent to Wendy. I borrowed some money from Belinda, but there’s no way I’ll ever be able to pay her back. Besides, borrowing from her is still benefiting from porn and encouraging her to continue producing it. In part of the same email I referenced above, I wrote the following to Belinda:

It hurts my heart that I got you involved in this business, and it hurts it even worse knowing you don’t want to give it up. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that you’ve experienced all the same things I have, yet you wish to continue. I don’t want to be accusing, but Belinda, we ruined lives. No matter what excuses we made to justify TO OURSELVES that what we were doing is okay, the fact remains that we ruined lives. It is so selfish. SO selfish. And that’s part of the reason I don’t want any of our possessions. I don’t want things that we purchased with porn money, because it came at a really high cost to someone else. Personally, I won’t be surprised if both cars are repossessed soon. But I’m okay with that because everything I purchased while in the business was done so at the expense of models whose lives will be worse for posing for us. Poor credit is a small price to pay. I’ll almost feel guilty if that’s all I get in return for 9 years of porn production.

That’s truly how I feel, but it’s still very uncomfortable while sitting here right in the middle of the financial storm. I can’t wait for it to pass. I am encouraged by the fact that, even in the middle of said storm, I don’t have the slightest desire to resume my old life.

Thank God for that.


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Google Invades Donny's Ramblings!

You’ll notice I added a few revenue generating features around here. Over in the left column there’s a link to a free “Google Pack”. If you don’t already have that, check it out. Mac users are out of luck on that one, as it’s only for Windows XP operating systems.

Right below the google pack is a text link to download Firefox with Google Toolbar. I really really really believe in Firefox. It’s a much better browser than Internet Explorer, and much less susceptible to viruses. Do yourself a favor and click that link, download Firefox, and never open Internet Explorer again. Seriously! Almost 80% of my readers use Internet Explorer. I’ll be checking my stats to see how many of you take this advice. JUST DO IT! The computer you save may be your own!

Above each post are “Ads by Google”. If something comes up that catches your interest, click on it. If not, don’t. I get some sort of kick back for each click. I’m not sure how much.

And finally, over on the right is a google search box. Feel free to utilize that as well. Each search results in a trickle of pennies as well. With all the traffic I’ve been receiving it’ll add up over time.

Hey, I gotta be proactive in figuring out a new way of generating revenue, no?

And please: tell all your friends about my blog. More visitors never hurt anyone. Thanks for your support!


6 Comments

Google Invades Donny’s Ramblings!

You’ll notice I added a few revenue generating features around here. Over in the left column there’s a link to a free “Google Pack”. If you don’t already have that, check it out. Mac users are out of luck on that one, as it’s only for Windows XP operating systems.

Right below the google pack is a text link to download Firefox with Google Toolbar. I really really really believe in Firefox. It’s a much better browser than Internet Explorer, and much less susceptible to viruses. Do yourself a favor and click that link, download Firefox, and never open Internet Explorer again. Seriously! Almost 80% of my readers use Internet Explorer. I’ll be checking my stats to see how many of you take this advice. JUST DO IT! The computer you save may be your own!

Above each post are “Ads by Google”. If something comes up that catches your interest, click on it. If not, don’t. I get some sort of kick back for each click. I’m not sure how much.

And finally, over on the right is a google search box. Feel free to utilize that as well. Each search results in a trickle of pennies as well. With all the traffic I’ve been receiving it’ll add up over time.

Hey, I gotta be proactive in figuring out a new way of generating revenue, no?

And please: tell all your friends about my blog. More visitors never hurt anyone. Thanks for your support!