Donny's Ramblings


The Story of A Girl Whose Life I Ruined

I must warn you that what I’m about to share with you is very dark.  If you are in need of a “picker upper,” this story is not for you.  For some, this article might be quite depressing.  For others, it might be a wake-up call, causing them to think of a side of pornography they’ve never before considered.  The latter is my intent.  There’s not much light at the end of this particular dark tunnel.  Also note that I have Mindy’s permission, and indeed encouragment, to share her story.

When you tell a person what they can’t have, they’ll often try to convince you that you’re wrong.  This is especially true for the college aged who have recently left the safety of the nest to try their wings out on their own for the first time.  When recruiting new porn actresses, I understood this very well and used it to my advantage.  Often working from a nice home, I let the house and our lifestyle do the selling for me.  A new prospect would arrive after having driven through one of the better neighborhoods in town and, prior to sitting down to interview with me in my home office, would be shown around the property like a valued guest.  My girlfriend and I had things the interviewee didn’t have, the photos of us were taken at vacations spots where she likely hadn’t been, the “famous” people with whom we posed were people she’d recognize but likely hadn’t met.

There were psychological reasons for this:  I not only wanted her to feel comfortable in a warm, non-threatening environment, but I also knew she’d start painting herself into the picture.  “Porn can give me this lifestyle?” she’d ask herself.  “No, dear girl, this lifestyle isn’t for you,” I’d verbalize, “You can’t handle this business.  What if your dad finds out you’re working for me?”  The more a college aged girl was presented with questions like this, the more she’d argue that I was wrong and this life was something she could handle.  When her life began falling apart, I could pat myself on the back for having warned her against getting involved in the first place.

One December day a girl named Mindy arrived at my house.   She’d turned 18 barely a month before her interview.  I wish I could deny playing the part I played in her story.  For a long time I either didn’t want to talk about it, or I’d mention small bits of information.  Mindy is the reason my cell phone number has never been changed.  She has it memorized, and to this day she’ll call when she’s at her worst and has nowhere else to turn.

Back on that first day, I knew I had a money maker.  I verified the age on her ID because, well, isn’t it obvious by looking at her pictures?  She looks really young.  I’d already been in the business four years by this time, so I had a pretty good handle on the demands of the market.  I knew men would go crazy over this girl.

I initially emailed samples to clients who owned websites.  Every one of them either matched their largest order size, or ordered more of her than they had of any other model I’d submitted.  One client who specialized in the “teen” niche – which requires a model to be over 18 but look younger – started asking if I’d be willing to partner with him on solo-girl website.  Such a site features one girl, rather than a variety of girls.  We made a proposal to Mindy:  she’d receive 25% of site revenue, I’d receive 25% and my new business partner would keep the remaining 50%.  His portion was larger because he would be responsible for all website development, hosting and promotions.

Mindy was the easiest model I’ve ever worked with, at least when it came to porn production.  She had a natural charisma, beautiful smile and a melodic laugh.  She loved life, and enlivened any room into which she walked.  At the beginning of her “career,” she could have been the poster child for “bubbly personality.”  The second a camera was pointed at her, she’d just start posing.  She didn’t need to be directed.  I couldn’t press the shutter release quickly enough.  For the most part, she’d pick out her own clothing and props, and she didn’t care where we shot, from rolling around in the dirt of a dry field to posing on railroad tracks, from taking over an aircraft hangar – and using the aircraft within it as her own personal props – to breaking into an abandoned sawmill, Mindy was up for anything.  When it came to videos, no script was needed because you could be sure that whatever Mindy came up with would be something her “fans” enjoyed seeing.  The one thing she didn’t want to do, however, was touch another person.  I honored that… for a while.

I believe that into every woman is built a need to be desired.  This desire can be used for the purposes of manipulation by guys like the one I used to be.  With Mindy, we flattered her and praised the things we loved about her.  Prior to the launch of her website, her fan base had already exploded due to the release of thousands of images of her on other popular sites.  The feedback she received was shared with her.  We used it to inflate her ego and prod her along.  Her “fans” needed her, after all.  With that positive reinforcement in mind, she was under the impression that she was going to become a celebrity once her solo-site launched.  She told everyone about it.

When an 18 year old girl begins making $10,000 per month, she more than likely isn’t going to know how to handle that amount of money.  Mindy was no exception.  She wanted to take care of people by giving them money and buying things for them, and she wanted to have fun.  Not being promiscuous by nature, she wouldn’t go home with fans, but she could be found passed out at parties.  She was raped several times over the years. Sometimes I’d immediately be told about these rapes, and other times I would not, only having them brought up months later.  I encouraged her to speak to police, but she never wanted to do so.  I asked local law enforcement if there was anything I could do, and was told she had to be willing to talk about it herself.  By this time, she felt as if all she was good for was to serve as an outlet for the “needs” men thought they had, either by entertaining them on her website, or letting them get away with taking what they wanted from her when she was passed out.  The lifestyle I had saddled her with had drained all light and sparkle from her eyes.  They reflected a soul that had died inside.

Where once a girl existed who would light up a room just by being herself, now there was a girl who would often literally begin a sentence laughing and end that same sentence in tears.  She once broke down on a sidewalk after we’d gone out for pizza and loudly cried about how her website was destroying her life.  Another time, I shot scenes with her in a hotel room at a local casino, and in between scenes she passed out on the bed.  I let her sleep for hours, but by checkout time I still couldn’t get her to wake up.  I had to call security to see if they could help, because God knows I didn’t want to pay for another day, and ended up witnessing a room full of hostile men badgering a naked young girl who was quite angry at having been forced awake, trying to dress and gather her things as strangers screamed at her that she had to leave.

The first time Mindy told me she’d given her life to Jesus, I was actually happy to hear it.  The things I’d seen in Mindy’s life didn’t make me feel very good because I knew a big part of the blame was on me.  Built into her contract was the requirement to keep producing new content if she wanted to keep receiving her percentage of sales, and I knew that she’d have quit early on if she could have just walked away while keeping residual royalties.  Jesus entering her life meant I was going to lose one of my best-selling models, but at least I wouldn’t have to keep looking into those haunted eyes when she was around.

More than anything, I was a hate-filled, selfish man.  My hatred was fueled by the hypocrisy I’d witnessed within the church during my teen years, as well as the perceived ongoing hypocrisy of Christians who would lecture me about the life I was living, yet want to see what new pornographic content I’d produced.  While I was happy to see the lights return to Mindy’s eyes, I was not happy to be on the receiving end of her attempts to save my soul.  She definitely wasn’t prepared to discuss such matters with me.  Had she not decided to witness to me, I might not have made such an effort to drag her back into porn.  But since the church ladies who met with her on a regular basis had encouraged her to “plant seeds” into my mind, I in retaliation decided I’d try to remove Mindy’s faith entirely.  Already, she was having a hard time making ends meet, as income no longer came in from the site (remember, it depended upon her willingness to add new content).   I asked her if she understood that old religious men were the ones who had made up the moral rules prohibiting her from participating in her website, which was still able to provide very well for her financially if she’d just give up the crazy religious stuff.  I began pointing out inconsistencies in the Bible.  I asked her what loving God would command that unborn babies be ripped from their mother’s wombs, as is mentioned in the book of Hosea.  After having spent so much time with her – at one time she even lived with me – I knew how best to manipulate her into seeing things my way.  She’d come back to the lifestyle every time, initially insisting that she’d only shoot lingerie at most, but quickly jumping back in full bore.

But now I told her she needed to do more.  First we started with girls, then later with boyfriends.  Eventually, I had her take on both visiting male friends and myself, often at the same time, although we’d film it so that it could technically be called a porn shoot rather than prostitution.  The difference between legal prostitution and illegal prostitution is just that the former is labeled “pornography” and involves a model release and a camera of some sort.

Because someone she thought cared for her was now using her as a prostitute, she started identifying as one.  Drugs had never previously been part of her life, but they became part of it now.  I guess they made it easy to do what she was doing.  I’d often pick her up for shoots from hotel rooms where it was apparent she’d been selling herself to others.  She bounced from house to house, living with random older men who’d use her for a time and then send her on her way.  She has no idea who her son’s father might be, because she didn’t know any of the men who were present the night she was impregnated while passed out at a party.

I wish there was a happy ending to Mindy’s story, but there’s not.  Not many months ago, she called in tears, begging me to adopt her two kids.  The state had taken them one time too many, and they were now no longer eligible to be returned to her.  Her social worker had informed her that a close friend or family member could be given priority, and she wondered if I would be willing, as the rest of her family was not.  I gave it thought and prayer, but realized I’m not equipped to take them on.

I’ve now known Mindy for almost 13 years, and there is far more to this story.  I could write more than one book about her life alone.  What is important for you to know is this:  when I led her into pornography, her life was forever changed.  Every single time I see her, she tells me that the website we created of her still impacts her life to this day.  Random strangers still recognize her and make assumptions about her.  She fights hard with the mental illness that was brought on while dealing with the numerous issues that have arisen from working for me. She is very paranoid most of the time, thinking people must be stalking her.  When she is noticed by a man in public, she never assumes it is because he finds her attractive, but rather because he has seen her online somewhere without her clothes on.

There is nothing at all attractive about what happened to her.

I wonder if the men and women who found so much appeal in the images and video content we produced of Mindy would find it attractive if they knew what it cost her.  I wonder if there would be any arousal if the reality was shown:  often before a scene, Mindy would protest, but she knew she wouldn’t earn any money if she didn’t do it, so she’d put on her best game face and do what made her feel worthless, pretending she enjoyed it.

I put her in front of a camera and repeatedly convinced her to continue doing work that was dimming her eyes and killing her soul, but I’d like to point out that the Law of Supply and Demand means all of us who have consumed pornography are part of the cycle of broken lives, like Mindy’s, that result from this industry.  This story is not unique; it happens in some form or other every day, repeatedly.  Mindy is someone’s daughter.  What if she was yours?

While there is an enormous amount of darkness in Mindy’s life, there are also things I find encouraging.  Even though she was impregnated through rape, and even though she knew she might not be able to provide for a child, abortion was never an option that entered her mind.  Her children might not have been afforded the best life possible with her, but they do have life, and I’ve no doubt whatsoever that they prefer that to the alternative.

I also take courage in the fact that Mindy never gives up.  There are situations she has faced that are just as bad as or worse than those I’ve shared, but she doesn’t give up.  She’s never once threatened to end her life, she doesn’t whine, and she reluctantly accepts handouts.  Sometimes she goes to church, other times she does not, but she’s never blamed God for her circumstances.

What I need from you, dear reader, is a promise that you’ll pray for Mindy.  Please don’t do so as a one-time thing.  Add her to your daily or weekly prayer list.  It has been almost 13 years since porn began affecting her life, and the images and video we created together will be around until long after she has departed this world.  There will never be a time when prayers for her are wasted.   If you’d like specific things to pray for, I’d suggest praying that her mind is healed and that her children are cared for in loving, nurturing environments.  The most recent update I have of them is from a few months ago, and they were in foster care at that time.

And finally, please help share the message that pornography involves real people.  One way to fight it is to decrease the demand for it.  Let’s humanize those who are involved in its creation so that fewer consumers find it appealing.  If you’re a consumer, please do whatever is necessary to stop consumption.  Encourage your children to become warriors, fighting for those who aren’t willing to fight for themselves by refusing to ever become consumers of pornography.  FightTheNewDrug has done a great job with their marketing campaign to sell products such as t-shirts, hoodies and wrist bands that are intended to make porn “uncool” for young people.  Perhaps browse their store and make a purchase or two for the youth in your life.  Let’s work to change the way porn is esteemed, transforming the attitude that “everybody uses it” to “it’s just not cool” in ways similar to anti-smoking campaigns.  We CAN do it.


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“PORN: On Both Sides of the Screen” – a Discussion at the University of Notre Dame

I’m reposting this here, because clicking through to it on YouTube brings up videos in the “suggested videos” section on the right side that most of our target audience does NOT want to see.  This video was recorded on 31 March 2014 at the University of Notre Dame.  Watch it for an eye-opening look at the realities of what pornography really is – it is my opinion that you’ll particularly enjoy the Q&A section.

PLEASE NOTE:  when you get to the end of the video, close the window as soon as the screen goes black.  If you watch until the very end, YouTube shows suggested videos in the window, and the images are explicit.  I’ve complained, but don’t know if or when they’ll take the offensive videos down.

This 4-person panel presentation, sponsored by the Institute for Church Life and The Gender Relations Center at the University of Notre Dame, focuses on the subject of addiction to pornography and its devastating effects.

Christina (Chrissy) Moran is a former pornography star; entered the industry at age 26 and over the next six years, starred in over 30 videos and numerous photographs.

Donny Pauling is a former producer of both picture and video pornography; he produced over two million photographs and thousands of hours of video. He left the porn industry in 2006.

Sam Meier is a former pornography addict who developed an addiction when he received his first laptop in college. His addiction brought him to the brink of despair.

Beth Meier is Sam’s wife; the consequences of Sam’s addiction nearly ruined their marriage.


Is This Sexy?

In an internet discussion with a bunch of guys who think porn’s great, I shared a few of my “porn stories”, which you, my constant readers, have all read.  There are always all sorts of reasons/objections these guys use to explain why each story “isn’t my fault” or to find somewhere else to pass the buck of blame.

I decided to look for other stories of reality, so I went to the website of  former porn star Shelley Lubben and found some really sexy facts:

  • 66% of porn stars have Herpes, a non-curable disease.
  • Chlamydia and Gonorrhea among performers is 10x greater than that of LA County 20-24 year olds.
  • 70% of sexually transmitted infections in the porn industry occur in females.
  • 25 HIV cases among porn performers since 2004 reported by Adult Industry Medical Healthcare.
  • 20 suicides and 28 drug related deaths among performers that we know of since 2000.
  • Over 100 straight and gay performers died from AIDS.
  • The largest group viewing online pornography is ages 12 to 17.
  • More than 11 million teens regularly view porn online.
  • Worldwide pornography revenue in 2006 was $97.06 billion. Of that, approximately $13 billion was in the United States.
  • There are 4.2 million pornographic websites, 420 million pornographic web pages, and 68 million daily search engine requests.

She has links to references backing up those stats at the bottom of the page, and a few “happy happy joy joy” stories from porn stars some of you might recognize over on this page. Beautiful stories, no? Check them out:

“I did over 100 xxx hardcore movies where I was slapped, hit, choked and forced to to sex scenes I never agreed to.
As I did more and more scenes I abused prescription pills which were given to me anytime I wanted by several Doctors in the San Fernando Valley. I was given Vicodin, Xanax, Norcos, Prozac and Zoloft.” – Michelle Avanti

My first movie I was treated very rough by 3 guys. They pounded on me, gagged me with their penises, and tossed me around like I was a ball! I was sore, hurting and could barely walk. My insides burned and hurt so badly. I could barely pee and to try to have a bowel movement was out of the question. I was hurting so bad from the physical abuse from these 3 male porn stars! – Alexa Milano

“People in the porn industry are numb to real life and are like zombies walking around. The abuse that goes on in this industry is completely ridiculous. The way these young ladies are treated is totally sick and brainwashing. I left due to the trauma I experienced even though I was there only a short time.” – Jessie Jewels

“I had bodily fluids all over my face that had to stay on my face for ten minutes. The abuse and degradation was rough. I sweated and was in deep pain. On top of the horrifying experience, my whole body ached, and I was irritable the whole day. The director didn’t really care how I feltt; he only wanted to finish the video.” – Genevieve

“They told me if had my AIDS test that I’d be safe. I arrived on the set with my test and did a hardcore scene with two men. Within that week I was very sick with a fever of 104 and blisters all over my mouth, throat and private area. I looked like a monster. The doctor told me I had the non-curable disease Genital Herpes. I wanted to die.” – Roxy aka Shelley Lubben

“The truth is I let my lifestyle get the best of me. I hate life. I’m a mess. A disaster. I’ve attempted suicide many times.”
“No one cares about a dead porn star or stripper.” – Neesa

“Guys punching you in the face. You have semen from many guys all over your face, in your eyes. You get ripped. Your insides can come out of you. It’s never ending.” – Jersey Jaxin

“I found out 2 days later that I had caught gonorrhea in my first scene! As quick as that the glamour of being a porn star was gone. In the five years I was shooting I caught Gonorrhea and Chlamydia many times. Sometimes both at the same time about every 3-5 months.” – Nadia Styles

“As for myself, I ended up paying the price from working in the porn industry. In 2006, not even 9 months in, I caught a moderate form of dysplasia of the cervix(which is a form of HPV, a sexually transmitted disease) and later that day, I also found out I was pregnant. I had only 1 choice which was to abort the baby during my first month. It was extremely painful emotionally and physically. When it was all over, I cried my eyes out.”- Tamra Toryn

“My first scene was one of the worst experiences of my life. It was very scary. It was a very rough scene. My agent didn’t let me know ahead of time… I did it and I was crying and they didn’t stop. It was really violent. He was hitting me. It hurt. It scared me more than anything. They wouldn’t stop. They just kept rolling.”
“Drugs are huge. They’re using viagra. It’s unnatural. The girls will be on xanax and vicodin.” – Sierra Sinn

“I didn’t want to feel the pain of penetration from an over average sized man, being told to freeze in a position until the camera man was happy with his shots was very painful. I had peoples body fluids forced on my face or anywhere else the producer pleased and I had to accept it or else no pay. Sometimes you would get to a gig and the producer would change what the scene was supposed to be to something more intense and again if you didn’t like it, too bad, you did it or no pay.” – Elizabeth Rollings

“I went through more heartbreaks and became suicidal. I was taken to the hospital for panic attacks. I tried to overdose on xanax, strangle myself, and cut my wrists but not nearly deep enough. I was too scared of the pain. I prayed God would just take me away! I felt helpless. I even went to church for a few months but the guilt I felt was overwhelming that I would feel as if I were choking when I was at church. I had to choose and once again I chose to continue sinning. It was easier and I needed the money.” – Crissy Moran

“I hung out with a lot of people in the Adult industry, everybody from contract girls to gonzo actresses. Everybody has the same problems. Everybody is on drugs. It’s an empty lifestyle trying to fill up a void.”
“I became horribly addicted to heroin and crack. I overdosed at least 3 times, had tricks pull knives on me, have been beaten half to death- the only reason I am still here is God. – Becca Brat

“We should think about these issues right now, to change stuff around to make this a safer f**kin’ business. It isn’t a safe business, and I thought it was, and I would have not did that scene with no condom with Darren James if it would have crossed my mind that those tests weren’t good and that I couldn’t trust him or the people he’s been with. I thought porn people were the cleanest people in the world, is what I thought.” – Lara Roxx, diagnosed with HIV in April, 2004 along with four other porn stars.

How well does this match up to the sexually appealing picture trying to be portrayed on screen?  Witnessing these types of things in person is the biggest reason I can honestly say I’m not attracted to porn.


Dear @JohnCMayer – Re: Producing Porn

Dear Mr. Mayer,

Do you mind if I call you John?  I know we’ve never met, it’s just that you seem like the type who’d rather be called “John” than “Mr. Mayer”.  We’re not friends, but I really dig your music.  In fact, I listened to your latest album, Battle Studies, twice on my flight back to California from the East Coast yesterday.  Right now I’m listening to a “John Mayer” mix on iTunes while I write this at my favorite coffee shop.

John Mayer can be found on Twitter: @JohnCMayer

I read part of the interview you did with Playboy.  I’m not gonna say anything at all about the racial stuff – besides, you’ve recanted all that, and I respect you for doing so.  I’ll keep buying every album you release, as I’ve done in the past.  I hope what I write here actually helps you, John – and I think it’s very possible the words that follow can do just that.

I want to discuss the part where you said you’d like to produce pornography.  I know a bit about this:  I was a porn producer for 9 years.  In fact, Playboy was one of my clients.  I produced for their ICS department and also traveled the country for a bit as part of the team recruiting for Special Editions.  One of the girls I’ve photographed even made Miss February in the main magazine, and another of my first timers was featured as well, but I don’t remember which month anymore.  I could go ask, I suppose, as she owns a business less than two miles from where I sit right now.  But that really doesn’t matter.  You said in that same interview that you probably see 300 vaginas a day while looking at porn before satisfying yourself.  That being the case, you’ve undoubtedly run across my work at some point:  I released more than 2 million pornographic photographs and hours of video footage into the world during my career. Since porn’s such a strong interest, you may have seen the debate I participated in at Yale University with Ron Jeremy, Monique Alexander and Craig Gross when it aired on Nightline ABC (click the link and scroll down to where it says “Nightline Face-Off: America Addicted to Porn?“).

That brings me to what I wanted to share with you: What is it like to produce porn? You might notice from my website title that I’m now a Christian.  I have no idea how you feel about that, but just in case you don’t look favorably on such things I’ll try to keep the Jesus stuff out of this.  Let’s just have a conversation about what goes on behind the scenes in porn world.  With or without “Jesus Stuff”, I think I can share a few things with you that you’ve never before considered… and that’s my goal: to educate.  Who knows, you might even read something that will free up your time a bit.  Porn just might not seem so attractive if you finish reading this article.

John, don’t get me wrong… I definitely had some fun times producing porn.  The money was good, the freedom was great, most of the people I knew in the business were fun to party with, and even being the overweight opposite-of-eye-candy that I am, I slept with more than my share of models.  But, honestly, the naked girls part got old very quickly.  Sex related work does weird things to people, John.  I watched college girls come through my doors with bright eyes, then watched that light fade over the coming weeks.  It’s kinda like seeing someone die inside.  I dunno about you, but I didn’t find that very sexy.

I definitely want to share more on how porn affects the girls involved as actresses, but first, let’s remove some of the glamour of producing from a different angle.  I need to caution some of my readers that I’m about to copy and paste something I wrote on this blog back on March 5th, 2005, when I was still producing porn.  I’m not gonna censor the language I used , as I’m tempted to do in order to prevent my current audience from being offended.  This is a letter from me to you, John, so I’m just gonna say what I need to say by copying/pasting what I wrote back then:

When mentioning my profession to other males the response is almost always the same:

“Man, you have the perfect job!”

Or something similar. But the truth of the matter is that it’s a lot more work than you might think. And then there are the shitty assholes. By “shitty assholes” I’m being 100% literal.

On more than one occasion I’ve had a model come over for a shoot. I’ll start photographing her only to discover that her asshole is covered with shit . Seriously!

A specific example comes to mind: I noticed a smell in the room when photographing one particular model. I continued the shoot anyway. When I transferred the photos from my compact flash card (I shoot with digital SLRs: Nikon D1x, Fuji S2 Pro, Nikon D100) and looked at them on the computer I noticed that there was shit all over the model’s ass. I couldn’t fucking believe it! I don’t know why the hell a girl would come over to my house to pose naked and forget to clean her ass.

Which brings me to the subject of toilet paper…

Does anyone ever stop to think that moisture is usually necessary for proper cleaning? I mean, think about it… would you clean up oil with a dry towel? Why would you clean your ass with dry toilet paper? If you really want to be clean, invest in some flushable baby wipes! I have some sitting on the back of the toilet in every bathroom in my house.

That doesn’t sound very glamorous, does it John? But that’s not the part that I really want you to know about.  The biggest deterrent to producing porn is watching what happens in the lives of those who act in it.  I’ve shared my story with more than 4 million people now.  One of the things I’m often asked is whether or not I’m attracted to porn anymore.  I usually respond to that question with a few of my own.  You ready?  Here they are, John:

What’s attractive about a model curled up in the fetal position in a corner between takes, sucking her thumb because her mind is so blown by what she’s just done to herself?   Do the porn companies share, in the credits, a line similar to this one:  “this girl had to have surgery to repair the damage done to her body by the scene you just found so enticing”?   Of course not!  That’s just not sexy, is it John?  Nobody’d be spankin’ their monkey if stuff like that was thrown on screen, would they?

Lots of my former models are dreamin’ with broken hearts now, John. And the wakin’ up?  That’s the hardest part for sure… because every morning when she does wake up, the stuff she shot for me is still there, as it will be for life.  It isn’t ever, ever, ever going away.  When she’s old and grey, when she has grandkids running around the house, that content is still going to be out there circulating somewhere, John.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m ALL FOR free speech.  But just because we HAVE freedom to do something doesn’t mean that we HAVE TO DO IT or that it’s a GOOD IDEA to do so.

Funny thing, John… I just took off my Beats by Dr Dre headphones, through which I was listening to my John Mayer iTunes playlist, only to hear you playing over the radio here at the coffee shop.  We love your music, man.

Here on my website I’ve shared with my readers a few stories about some of the things these girls have gone through.  You can find them by scrolling through the porn stories category.  But be warned, my friend… they just might remove some of the fantasy of pornography and replace it with a little un-sexy reality.  I don’t know about you, but if I was looking at some photos or solo-video of the very attractive girl who wrote this email to me it might be a little bit harder to masturbate to those things knowing that, in her words, she is now “freakin suicidal!!! freakin sick over this….throwing up, cannot sleep at all…” It just doesn’t seem as sexy as it used to be when she tells me that (pasting her words again) “I know I did those pics and yes it was my fault, I want to get them OFF the internet. Is there anyway possible to do that ASAP? I will pay you the money back, whatever it takes. This will and is ruining my life.”

When I received a round of emails and phone calls from a beautiful girl who was begging me, in tears while sobbing so hard I could barely understand her, to get her content off the Internet as it had ruined the relationship she had with her father… that wasn’t a very lust-inducing experience either.  See, what happened in her case was this:  daddy was leaving his office with his buddies.  They were planning to go grab a beer together.  But when daddy and his buddies got to his car it was covered with photos of his daughter in various explicit poses.  Dad was rather humiliated, John.  He was instantly ashamed of his little girl.  When he shared this incident with her, she was rather ashamed herself.  I shot the photos that ended up on daddy’s car, and when I did so it didn’t cross my mind that she wasn’t someone to visualize while chokin’ the chicken – that she was actually somebody’s baby girl, somebody’s future wife, somebody’s sister… a beautiful person who was born to be loved, not lusted over by millions of men.

In the past three and a half years I’ve attempted to apologize to former models/actresses I recruited into the business.  When I tried to befriend one on myspace I received this email as her response:

“Hello Donny,

I’m sorry, but I can’t be your friend.  People found out about the pictures I did and I came really close to killing myself over it.  I need to forget about it and move on.  That does not mean I blame you or anything, but that does mean I have to cut ties involving it, and that does involve you.  You’re more than welcome to write me, etc… I just can’t have you on my friends list.  I’m very sorry and hope you understand.”

Let me tell you, John… I’d fantasized for months about that girl following the photo shoots I had with her way back in my early porn producing days.  She really got me going.  But hearing that she, too, almost killed herself over PICTURES?  Knowing that, a person would have to be rather emotionless to be able to still look at those photos and be aroused by them.

Are you picking up what I’m laying down, John?  Producing porn pretty much killed my sex drive DEAD, John.  Between me and you, I’m kind of afraid that when I’m finally married again I’ll be so screwed up in the head over what I’ve witnessed that my sex life with my wife will suffer.  I’ve spoken to counselors about that, actually.  I’ve seen how fake porn is, my friend, and after shooting it for so long I can’t seem to help associating anything sexual with it.  That shouldn’t be the case, John:  God created sex to be beautiful and fun, and He had reasons for asking us to confine it to committed relationships – I swear to you, He didn’t ask that of us in order to take our fun away or so He’d have a reason to send us to hell if we didn’t follow His plan.  It was more like this:  “I know how you’re wired.  Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have other people in your head when you’re making love to your wife?  Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have to worry about who was in your her head when she’s with you?  You can do whatever you want, but I wish you’d trust me.  I really do want the best for you.”

The reality of what porn has done to real-life people isn’t pretty.  No amount of justification removes what I’ve seen.  It doesn’t matter how often people say things like, “they were adults making their own adult decisions” and “well, if our puritanical society didn’t make such a big deal out of sex this sort of thing wouldn’t happen!”  Those words are so shallow and meaningless after seeing so many lives personally affected.  There is a letter in the Bible where Paul writes to the people of Corinth that sexual things affected us on a deeper level than anything else.  John, I believe Paul on that one.  I have personal experience that gives evidence he’s right.  From my model Karma, who has a baby who will never know his father (because men decided to rape here while she was passed out at a party – after all, she’s a “porn star” so why not take what they want, right?) to the girl who called me in humiliated tears after going to her college campus one day only to find photos of herself stapled on trees all across campus, I have seen the fallout from sexual “sin”.  It makes me ashamed to be a man sometimes, John.  Indeed, the female body is a wonderland, my friend, and so many of us use our hands… and lose our heads and hearts… over it.

Trust me, John… you don’t want to produce porn.  You don’t want to be responsible for devastating lives.  And no matter how good your intentions might be, that’s exactly what you’d be doing.

DOWNLOAD THIS MP3: Donny Pauling speaking at Pocono Community Church in Pocono, Pennsylvania – Pastor David Crosby introduces me at the 12 minute mark.


If Porn’s a Problem In Your Married Life Read This

I’ve been fortunate enough to speak to more than 4 million people now.  I take it much more seriously today than I did when I first started in December 2006.  You see, back then it was all about “me”.   I was telling “my” story.  What God had done in “my” life.

But traveling and meeting you all has a way of changing things.  My perspective is much different today than it was then.  That’s part of the reason I don’t write as much as I used to write:  the more I learn, the more I realize I don’t really know all that much about – well – anything.  I’ve silenced myself for the most part because God has taken the ego down a notch or two and made it very clear that this ministry isn’t about me at all.  As cliche and “Christianese” as it sounds, my story is really God’s story.  What has happened in my life is literally an illustration that He can use ALL things for his good.

When a person has a purpose, when a person has a vision, when a person has a cause, well it’s just impossible to NOT be changed.  The Bible tells us that where there is no vision, God’s people perish.  I can tell you this:  the stories you all share with me strengthen me, teach me, make me see PURPOSE and give me a vision.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for emailing me.  Thank you for shaking my hand after I’ve come down off that stage where I stood in front of you sharing my “God story”.  If you struggle with porn or are affected by someone who does, my prayer for you is that you, too, will catch a vision and see the purpose for your own life.  You might be struggling now, but once you’ve conquered this issue God is going to use you to help someone else do the same.  That’s a big responsibility.  Please choose to live up to it. And please, I beg you, continue praying that I will be given the strength to live up to MY responsibilities as well.

Lots of people email me.  Sometimes I have something to offer.  Many times I don’t.  I’m not a counselor, and am in no position to give advice for many cases.

It’s particularly hard for me to answer emails from women who are in pain due to a husband’s porn addiction.  I don’t know what to say most of the time, and I also feel so much guilt for contributing to that cycle.  When these emails come in, I’ll sometimes ask Wendy for feedback.  Wendy, as you know if you’ve been reading for any length of time, is the amazing wife God gave me, the mother of my son,  whose heart I ripped to shreds with my lies, cheating, and involvement in porn production.  After all I’ve done to her, especially because of all I’ve done to her, even though my choices have resulted in her no longer holding the title of “wife”, I’m honored to call her my friend.  A very good friend.

When a woman recently emailed me asking for help… well, I’ll just let you read Amy’s email to me, followed by Wendy’s response.  The first time I read Wendy’s letter in church it helped save a marriage.  I hope you find it useful, too.  But first, the plea for help from “Amy”:

Hello Donny,

I first want to say that I just found your blog yesterday and I sat and wept at my kitchen table as I began to read the entries, one at a time from start to finish. You have chosen such an amazing journey and I have NO doubt that God will continue to bless you and your family as he has already started to do.

I’m not really sure where to begin so I guess I will just start here…I found out a little over a year ago that my husband is addicted to pornography. It is so overwhelming for me as I am just starting to learn how deep and dark these wounds are for a man, his wife, and their marriage. I struggle everyday with the fear of what’s next.

I know my God protects me. I know who I am in his eyes. But as confident as I am in that…my husbands addiction is stripping away all that I am. I feel that I am alone in this fight because I have not really found anyone who understands or can guide and support me in the decisions and choices I need to make in order to cope with this reality.

I want to be the wife that I feel in my heart that God has called me to be…I just have no idea how right now. I have been touched by your entries about your ex wife Wendy and all that the two of you have been through. She seems like a woman who has been through it and come out in a stronger place because of it.

My question is this…does she have a blog or email that she makes public? Does she, in any way, support wives who are dealing with this issue? I am really just looking for any kind of support from women that I can get. I want to know there are strong women praying for my husband and I. I want to know there is someone I can turn to when the heart ache and sadness seem like the only things that are certain in my life.

If she has nothing like this, do you have any suggestions for a wife who needs support? It seems like the wives are a lost casualty in this war…there isn’t much out there for us that I have found so far. We are from the (location removed) area so maybe you know of some things that I don’t.

I appreciate all the help you can give.

Keep up the fight…you are truly a blessed and courageous man of God.

Thanks for your honesty.

It’s been more than 7 years since Wendy and I divorced, but I think you can see the emotions still present when you read her response, which I’m about to share with you.  Pay attention to capitalization, multiple question marks, and exclamation marks.  PLEASE note that Wendy realizes this probably isn’t what God would want her to say.  But her words brought a man to repentance before God after he heard me read this aloud.  He’d heard similar things from his wife, but said hearing it from someone else brought it home for him.  This letter has had an impact on many people.  I’ve had numerous requests for a copy of it to be emailed to them.  I decided to share it with all of you.

Here is Wendy’s reply:


You don’t understand….It hurts SOOOO much just to read this letter….and all I feel like I could give her is to say run…run RUN! Run away, far away. It’s adultery in the most painful form. It’s ongoing because it’s not a “real” affair. So it’s like trying to work through a marriage one sided. While he’s having this continual affair, you’re trying to work through it…how is that fair?? Tell me….HOW IS THAT OKAY?

How can I try to give women tools to work through it? How can I tell them to try to rebuild something with someone who is not doing their part? It’s so one sided. All I would want to tell these women is to leave. And, that isn’t right, God needs to deal with each situation on an individual basis and they need to hear from Him what they’re supposed to do.

How can their marriage survive???? To me, it can’t. If he doesn’t quit it will tear them apart. How come this should be her burden is what I wonder? The very thing he’s stabbing her heart with and tearing their family apart with and their children or whomever, is the very thing she’s supposed to help him through? As “christians” is that what we are supposed to do? Stand by his side and be a faithful warrior on his behalf when he is so selfish he would sacrifice his wife and children for photographs and fantasy???

I truly don’t even know. I don’t get it….. i just don’t get it. Her statement “my husbands addiction is stripping away all that I am” and “it seems like wives are a lost casualty in this war” kill me. Because I know. For me, divorcing you and getting out of all of it, was freedom, I didn’t have to continue being torn apart. I could get strong and rebuild my life. When you’re in it, your heart is ripped to shreds over and over and over again, I don’t know how to counsel someone who is going through that.

I’m angry and I have no understanding for this level of selfishness. Who knows, maybe if wives left their husbands men would see reality. The reality of the fact that it’s an affair and their wives shouldn’t have to put up with the abuse just like they shouldn’t have to put up with it if he were physically abusing them. How is it different? Emotional wounds hurt more than physical ones. Let him have his porn because that is obviously what he wants and he can’t have both.

I just don’t have the answers at this point, read in the OT when Israel was unfaithful to God, read what He did and see if you get any insight.


Ladies, if you’ve been hurt by your husband’s porn use, you’re not alone. Your hurt is NOT unique. Porn IS an affair.

Men, what are we doing to the women God’s given us to protect, love and cherish? HE has given us his daughters. Like any good daddy, He wants us to treat them right. Can we do so? Can we show that with our actions?

And those girls on that DVD or computer screen? Yeah, they’re God’s daughters too. Can we please start treating them like the Princesses they are?


“I Am One of Those People Who Lost My Marriage Because of Porn”

While in porn world, I became intimately acquainted with the destruction that befalls those within the industry itself. What was foreign to me, however, was the pain my product caused in families all across this country. While traveling these past few years… I’ve been educated.

There’s not a single place I’ve spoken where a handful of people don’t come up to me after service to let me know they’ve lost their marriage to porn. I know I shouldn’t be shocked at this, but I am… because it never really crossed my mind as a producer.

And just what is it that so many of us have given up our families for? Is it the fantasy of a girl curled up in a ball in a corner, sucking her thumb because her mind is so blown by the scene she just did that she doesn’t know how to handle it, and therefore retreats to fetal position? Is it the thought of surgeries that must be performed to repair damages done to the body of a girl who has had multiple partners on screen? Is it the thought of a girl who lost a formerly-great relationship with her father when he was confronted with images of his daughter in positions so stomach-turning that he couldn’t look at her the same way anymore? Or perhaps it’s the fantasy of the numerous lost careers these college girls have given up once it’s learned that they’ve been “porn actresses” before?  Or… (how long should I go on listing the realities of the business… I can continue if you’d like).

Do we consider that every one of those actresses is somebody’s little girl?

Those stories in that last paragraph… THAT is the reality of porn. So many of us have bought into the lie that the fantasy we see in the final edited product is not only real, but incredibly appealing. We like that lie so much we’re willing to give up priceless treasures, our families and relationships, to indulge in it for a few moments here and there.  I’ve heard story after story, and they’re all basically the same:  one spouse chooses porn over the other spouse, time after time, and their relationship crumbles. In a majority of cases, men are the ones who make this choice.  But as I travel and speak I’ve heard from several women who have also been caught up in some porn fantasy or another.

This past weekend I spoke three times in Arkansas, on the outskirts of Little Rock.  The people were fantastic… so warm and friendly.  So much fun to be around.  The countryside was beautiful.  The accents brought a smile to my face, which I tried to hide to be honest with you.  The stories and questions were the same I’ve heard all across this land:

“I Am One of Those People Who Lost My Marriage Because of Porn”

“What if a couple really enjoys watching porn together?”

“Doesn’t our economy need the billions porn generates right now?”

“Donny, there are videos of me out there doing ____ and I’m afraid someone I know will ultimately see them!”

“I’ve never considered some of the things you’ve brought up before.  This has really helped me.”

“I started watching porn with my friends when we were 10 years old.  That interest has grown to the point where I’ve now done ______ “.

“Dude, my life is changed after today.”

“My marriage is about to end in divorce, and it’s because of my addiction to porn.”

We weren’t out on the streets talking to random strangers.  We were inside a church building during normal weekend services.  This weekend wasn’t unusual:  every church in which I’ve spoken brings about similar conversations.  I’ve heard some crazy things, let me tell ya.

Within even the most conservative church walls I’ve listened to confessions from people who have done things you’d never expect to hear, even including things done to animals, and these admissions aren’t from “those people out there” but from “these people in here”.  Why is that?  Could it possibly be because, for so long, the church has refused to talk much about pornography?  Doesn’t the Bible mention something about how sins that are kept in secret will grow into something much bigger?

I’m sure most churches mention pornography in passing, spending a few seconds listing it along with several other sins.  “Whew!  We got that one out of the way!” after such a glaze-over just isn’t going to cut it in these times when porn is so popular.  Yesterday, as I walked to my connecting flight through the airport in Dallas, I saw two teenage boys walking side by side, openly looking through Hustler magazine without trying to hide it.  And why not?  Our families all watch porn together from home nowadays, don’t we? …right on network television, albeit most network shows have just enough clothing on the actors to satisfy whoever it is that does the ratings these days. Hey, if it’s okay with even mom and dad, why can’t I walk through the airport beside my buddy with a porn mag open?

I’m very encouraged when churches do the type of thing Mercy’s Cross in Arkansas did this past weekend:  an entire weekend dedicated to being real about the topic of pornography, followed up with the creation of new accountability groups to continue the discussion, offering real help to all congregants, even those who don’t (or won’t admit to) deal with this particular “sin” in their life.  Bringing real life issues to light is the only way to win the battle against such.  Thank you, Mercy’s Cross, you are an encouragement.

Encourage your own church to follow suit, please.  It’s vital to address this stuff, my friends. If it’s not confronted it’s going to eat your families alive, I guarantee it!

In the spirit of “Confronting the Elephant”, Mercy’s Cross had a few of these cutouts sitting in the audience. I loved it!
The Elephant In The Pew