Donny's Ramblings

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“PORN: On Both Sides of the Screen” – a Discussion at the University of Notre Dame

I’m reposting this here, because clicking through to it on YouTube brings up videos in the “suggested videos” section on the right side that most of our target audience does NOT want to see.  This video was recorded on 31 March 2014 at the University of Notre Dame.  Watch it for an eye-opening look at the realities of what pornography really is – it is my opinion that you’ll particularly enjoy the Q&A section.

PLEASE NOTE:  when you get to the end of the video, close the window as soon as the screen goes black.  If you watch until the very end, YouTube shows suggested videos in the window, and the images are explicit.  I’ve complained, but don’t know if or when they’ll take the offensive videos down.

This 4-person panel presentation, sponsored by the Institute for Church Life and The Gender Relations Center at the University of Notre Dame, focuses on the subject of addiction to pornography and its devastating effects.

Christina (Chrissy) Moran is a former pornography star; entered the industry at age 26 and over the next six years, starred in over 30 videos and numerous photographs.

Donny Pauling is a former producer of both picture and video pornography; he produced over two million photographs and thousands of hours of video. He left the porn industry in 2006.

Sam Meier is a former pornography addict who developed an addiction when he received his first laptop in college. His addiction brought him to the brink of despair.

Beth Meier is Sam’s wife; the consequences of Sam’s addiction nearly ruined their marriage.

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Jenna Jameson Returns to Porn?

In 2008, porn star Jenna Jameson stood on the stage of the Adult Video Network Awards show, to present an award named after her, and stated the following:

“Honesty is key. I will never, ever, ever spread my legs in this industry again. Ever.”

She’d recently sold her company to Playboy for $25 million, and was booed when she uttered those words.

Now, 5 years later and broke, she recently announced she’ll be getting back in. But industry insiders are saying she’s too old and worn out to make any decent money.

Tonight, I posted some questions to my former colleagues and am currently awaiting answers. Here is what I asked:

Honestly, this pisses me off. I’d like to ask a few questions. Feel free to ignore me.

Ron Jeremy, Monique Alexander, Martin Bashir, Donny Pauling, Craig Gross

If I were to film your daughter – when she’s over 18 of course – and I told you what a great anal scene she’d shot for me the day before, when I teamed her up with three guys who all had her do ATM and then shot all over her face and in her hair, how would you feel about that?

If it’s not okay when it’s your daughter, why’s it okay when it’s someone else’s daughter? Because she’s making money for you and signed a model release?

After the Debate

When I’ve asked questions like this of Ron Jeremy while debating him at Ohio State and at Yale University on Nightline ABC, he always pointed to Jenna Jameson as an example of success in this business. I pointed out that Jenna is the exception, not the rule, and that most girls have a very short “career” in this business, after which the work they do will follow them around for life. Long after the money is spent and they’re old grandmothers, their grandkids will still be able to find them somewhere. Nina Hartley, on the other hand, was more honest when I debated her and Ron at Ohio State. She said, “It’s true – the majority of models in the porn industry have about a 2 year shelf life, and afterwards won’t be able to work anywhere better than Home Depot.”

Now, Jenna is broke and probably can’t do very well in this industry. How does that make you feel? What if she was your little girl?

And again, to those of you who consume porn, you’re part of the same supply-and-demand-circle that tears down the lives of the actors and actresses on screen. You can hide behind an anonymous screen and escape responsibility. Consuming in ANY way contributes to the demand, which is filled by producers and companies who release the supply.

Just a li’l somethin’ somethin’ to consider…


“Why Was I Not Enough?” – A Letter From a Hurting Spouse

Back in May I received the email that follows.  I asked the sender if I could remove her name, post her email and answer it here.  She gave permission, so I marked it unread, as seeing it in my inbox would prompt me to write.  But I haven’t addressed it until now because I really want to do it justice, and to do so requires me to rip myself apart in my reply.  Today feels like the right day to do this.

So you know, I’m not writing from the perspective of a counselor.  I’m just going to respond from my own point of view.  I’m not going to concern myself with proper sentence structure, either.  My thoughts might not apply to other men, and might not represent her husband’s motivations.  Therefore, I invite anyone to share their own perspective.  Personally, I prefer real life stories and reasons over generalized “study results.”

First, the letter:

Dear Mr. Pauling,

You’ve probably gotten these questions before – ad nauseum.  I hope you will respond anyway.  I am in the midst of a divorce.  Addiction was a major theme in the demise of my marriage – alcohol and drugs most recently, but pornography had been a source of pain in our relationship from the beginning.  Honestly, I’m not sure of the extent because I was really naive.  Many times I thought it was no longer an issue and then I’d make a discovery that demonstrated otherwise.  I’m looking for insight.  Is there a way to make sense of this that will provide peace of mind?  I fear not, but I have to ask these things.  Although you can’t know what was going on in my husband’s mind, there have to be some commonalities among men who allow porn to wreak havoc in their marriages.

What role did I have to play in my husband’s use of porn?  Why was I not enough?  Why was I not deserving of his respect and fidelity?

The lies, my God, the lies were the worst.  The outright lies and the subtle deceptions were rampant.  Every day there was deception on some level.  You lived the ultimate lie; how did you look your wife in the face every day?  Were you snickering behind her back at how clueless she was?  Did you have any love for her at all?  Did you come to look upon her with utter disdain?  I gave this marriage everything I had – was that all part of the joke, “See how much she’ll endure before she realizes I don’t love her.  Stupid b*tch.”

When you looked at your wife, who did you see?  Knowing my husband was viewing thousands of images of other women said to me, “He wants ANYONE BUT you, *****.”  Is that how you felt?  Did you want anyone BUT your wife?  It would seem that someone with a porn addiction would have a high sex drive, but just the opposite was true with my husband – at least with me.  Was that because I fell so short of the fantasies acted out in the land of porn?  Could I just not hold a candle to the beautiful, seductive, pleasure-savvy women he would seek out wherever and whenever he got the chance?

Please help me understand.  This has ground me into the dirt.  I am working hard to overcome the sense that ‘I am nothing.’  Because rejection of this type certainly sends that message.

While I’m at it, there’s something I’d like to you to consider sharing as you talk to different groups.  Exposing children to porn – even unintentionally – leads to disaster.  You see, I was set up for this whole scenario years ago.  The fact that I am writing you as a devastated wife is almost nauseatingly cliche.

My Dad used porn heavily.  No, he didn’t show it to me and he kept it in his nightstand drawer (fully accessible, just out of sight), but he never hid the fact that he liked porn.  A lot.  He and one of his friends would laugh about jokes in the latest edition of Hustler when our families got together – right in front of the wives and children.  The wives laughed too.  I saw my stepmother reading Hustler when she was sunning herself on the deck.  I thought porn was an absolutely normal part of life.  So when I was 12 and a garbage bag full of old Hustlers ended up in a closet that also housed my toys, I took a look for myself.  I figured I had better educate myself so I wouldn’t end up divorced and alone like my mother (my Dad’s first wife, who did not like his porn use, but was of the belief that “men can’t help themselves”).  I’ll spare you the details, but it set me up for many years of abuse and ultimately the turbulent marriage that is now ending.  Children should be separated from porn as vigilantly as they are separated from guns.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  The burden of so many sharing their pain with you has to be great.  But I guess that’s why you were called to public ministry, right?  🙂

I’ve forwarded your story and video from LifeSiteNews to my Dad and brothers and I’m praying it will have an impact.



This wife’s letter asks so much.  I’m going to take bits and pieces of it, then reply below each part from my own perspective, as if Wendy (my ex-wife) was the author, asking these questions of me (it wasn’t her, by the way).

What role did I have to play in my husband’s use of porn? Why was I not enough? Why was I not deserving of his respect and fidelity?

If Wendy had asked this, I’d have to reply, “You were enough.  I realize I complained about so many things.  I know I had the attitude that you wouldn’t just let me be myself.  I complained that you didn’t trust me.  I complained that you didn’t want to have sex often enough.  I complained about all sorts of things, didn’t I?  I don’t remember whether or not any of my complaints were even based on real reasons, because the truth is that I was just a really selfish man.  You were right not to trust me.  I used some of those things I thought were ‘valid complaints’ to justify making my own poor decisions.   That’s really what my complaints boiled down to:  trying to sell the idea to myself and to you that I had an excuse to make bad decisions.  One of those poor decisions was my use of porn.  There are so many versions of porn that every man on the planet, and most women, can be tempted by if given the right circumstances… or should I say, ‘the wrong circumstances.’  I word it that way because the circumstances are something I could have controlled.  I didn’t have to be up late, on the computer while you slept in our bed.  I didn’t need to come home and turn on the computer at lunch time while you were at work.  I definitely didn’t need to go to the seedy parts of town, sneaking in the back door – hopefully unnoticed by any friends or acquaintances – of shops that sold pornography.

“I could have controlled myself.  I could have been a man of God.  I could have fought a fight worth winning, worth bragging about, of which I could be proud.  But I didn’t.  I gave in to temptation.

“To be honest, one of the biggest reasons I looked at porn is because I had fantasies about things that I didn’t want to do to you.  I felt those things would degrade you.  I didn’t mind carrying those thoughts out in my head with someone else’s daughter as the ‘recipient’ of the actions I wanted to commit.  I had no problem disrespecting a girl on a screen.  She didn’t seem like a real person with real feelings to me.  I didn’t see her as someone’s little girl, the way I do now.  She was just an object for me to use in my ‘it’s all about Donny’ fantasies.  Regardless of the hurtful words I said, that’s what my porn use and cheating came down to:  pure selfishness.  I wanted to engage in a type of sexual release that didn’t require consideration for anyone but myself.  I didn’t want to honor my vows or consider your needs.”

I didn’t want…


That’s what it all boiled down to… a desire to receive for myself, exclusively.  A desire to consider nobody but me.

The lies, my God, the lies were the worst.  The outright lies and the subtle deceptions were rampant.  Every day there was deception on some level.  You lived the ultimate lie; how did you look your wife in the face every day?  Were you snickering behind her back at how clueless she was?  Did you have any love for her at all?  Did you come to look upon her with utter disdain?  I gave this marriage everything I had – was that all part of the joke, “See how much she’ll endure before she realizes I don’t love her.  Stupid b*tch.”

Wendy and I were asked several times by Oprah Winfrey’s people to appear on their show.  The show didn’t want to speak only with me; if they couldn’t have both of us on the show, they didn’t want to do the interview.  I desperately wanted to participate.  Over the years, Wendy has turned down numerous requests for interviews.  Those requests even included a personal phone call from a pastor whose congregation numbers more than 20,000 people.  Oprah’s people fared no better… she turned them down, too.  But she DID consider it for a few days longer than any other offer, because she knows the secular members of such an audience really need to hear about God’s love, grace and forgiveness.

During her days of consideration, she asked me if I’d be okay with her telling the audience what she really thought.  “It wasn’t the porn,” she said.  “It was the deception.”  I was a deceitful person in every way.  What you wrote in the paragraph I just quoted could have been written by Wendy, right down to that last line.

But I DID love Wendy.  I don’t fully grasp why I was so deceptive.  That part of my character still haunts me to this day.  Just a few days ago, Wendy and I had a conversation.  I was very excited about some of the things God has been doing in my life and those with whom I’ve interacted.  Wendy interrupted my joy to make sure I knew that she still considers me to be the world’s biggest liar, and she’s not sure how much of the things I was telling her were able to be believed.

NOTE: this was just days ago, almost 6 years after I left the world of pornography.

As Wendy said, porn wasn’t the root problem in our marriage.  Deception was even more damaging than pornography ever was.

I deceived myself just as much as I deceived Wendy.  I believed, about myself, exactly what I wanted to believe.  I never felt as if I didn’t love Wendy.  I felt as if I loved her very, very much.  I also tried to believe that I held myself in high esteem, while at the same time holding other parts of myself in utter contempt.  Those parts of me,  I considered to be beneath her.  I wanted to hide those parts from her.  She was too good for that part of Donny.

No, I never once thought of her as a “stupid b*tch.”  I put her up on a pedestal that I didn’t feel I deserved to stand upon.  I’m not sure if I can explain it, but I NEEDED her to be royalty, to be perfect.  My own self esteem was so low that I needed to believe I was somehow connected to something bigger than me… something that I could physically touch and see.  God wasn’t enough.  God didn’t even come close.  I needed Wendy to be that object of perfection.  But since I didn’t feel I deserved her, since I felt like I was a pathetic excuse for a man and that nobody would like me if they knew who I really was, I took out my dark areas on others I didn’t respect  such as images on a screen, and eventually real women via physical cheating.

I deceived her because I didn’t want her to know how pathetic I was.  I wanted to be more than what I felt I actually was.  I wanted to be better than I felt inside, and I wanted her to believe that of me.  Sometimes, oftentimes, that lack of confidence came out as anger towards her.  It also came out in lies to her and to myself.

My point, dear *****, is that it was all about me and never about her.  I’m sure the same is true in the case of your husband.

When you looked at your wife, who did you see?  Knowing my husband was viewing thousands of images of other women said to me, “He wants ANYONE BUT you, XXXXX.”  Is that how you felt?  Did you want anyone BUT your wife?  It would seem that someone with a porn addiction would have a high sex drive, but just the opposite was true with my husband – at least with me.  Was that because I fell so short of the fantasies acted out in the land of porn?  Could I just not hold a candle to the beautiful, seductive, pleasure-savvy women he would seek out wherever and whenever he got the chance?

I’ve answered this to some extent in previous replies.  I’ll repeat some of what I said and dig a little deeper here.

When I looked at my wife, I saw my wife.  She turned me on SO much.  When I met her in High School I’d never had a serious relationship before her, so for me she came to define all that the perfect woman embodied.  Her physical features became what I considered to be perfect.  Everything about her became my preference.

And then came porn and the girls within it.  All of those images filled my head, and each type of woman that was different from my wife fulfilled parts of my fantasy life that I didn’t want to place on Wendy.  Some of that fantasy life didn’t even exist before I saw those images and watched those videos.  Some things repulsed me at one point in time, but grew to be an interest as time passed.  As I said before, there were actions I wanted to do, sexually, that I felt degraded my wife.  Through porn, this woman with that body type will fulfill THAT fantasy for me, while this other woman with that characteristic will fulfill some other twisted fantasy.   What I did with Wendy was “holy” to me.  Our sex life was what pure sex looked like in my mind, and the rest of it was what I let myself believe I really deserved.  And when I say, “…what I really deserved,” I am stating that  from the viewpoint of a man with really low self worth.

I often didn’t want to be pure.  This became my reality more and more as I felt less and less worthy of my wife and the beautiful child she eventually bore for me.

I’m convinced satan will twist anything God intends to be pure.  That’s his nature.  The more God loves something, the more satan wants to attack it.  One of God’s first commands to humanity was the command to be fruitful and multiply.  That command had nothing to do with growing strawberries and teaching algebra, and everything to do with sex.  God loves sex.  It is a gift to us.  But because He loves sex so much, His enemy twists it into something it was never meant to be.  That’s where porn and twisted sexual fantasies come into play.  This is a spiritual battle.  As humans, sexual drive is built into us by our creator.  Satan loves twisting that drive.

To answer your question, “Could I just not hold a candle to the beautiful, seductive, pleasure-savvy women he would seek out wherever and whenever he got the chance?”, I would have to say, “In my case, Wendy was the sun to which some little candle couldn’t possibly compare… but I didn’t feel worthy of her.  I felt too dirty, and I didn’t know how to clean up, so I just gave into the dirt more and more all the time.”

While I’m at it, there’s something I’d like to you to consider sharing as you talk to different groups.  Exposing children to porn – even unintentionally – leads to disaster.  You see, I was set up for this whole scenario years ago.  The fact that I am writing you as a devastated wife is almost nauseatingly cliche.

My Dad used porn heavily.  No, he didn’t show it to me and he kept it in his nightstand drawer (fully accessible, just out of sight), but he never hid the fact that he liked porn.  A lot.  He and one of his friends would laugh about jokes in the latest edition of Hustler when our families got together – right in front of the wives and children.  The wives laughed too.  I saw my stepmother reading Hustler when she was sunning herself on the deck.  I thought porn was an absolutely normal part of life.  So when I was 12 and a garbage bag full of old Hustlers ended up in a closet that also housed my toys, I took a look for myself.  I figured I had better educate myself so I wouldn’t end up divorced and alone like my mother (my Dad’s first wife, who did not like his porn use, but was of the belief that “men can’t help themselves”).  I’ll spare you the details, but it set me up for many years of abuse and ultimately the turbulent marriage that is now ending.  Children should be separated from porn as vigilantly as they are separated from guns.

I agree 100%.  I was first exposed to porn when I was in the third grade, when I picked up a magazine that someone had left in a trash can at a local park.  I still remember those images to this very day, quite clearly.  As I’ve traveled to speak these last six years (December will mark six years since I began speaking out on this topic at venues other than this blog) I’ve heard the same things over and over and over again from person after person:  their struggles with porn began at a young age due to exposure as a child.  On October 18th, I posted this update on my Facebook wall.  The woman mentioned in that post, seeking retaliation against me, made an accusation back in December of 2010 that I showed her daughter pornography and allowed her to drink alcohol.  I would never, EVER do such a thing, especially to a child, but because of my background and public profile that relates to this topic, I’m an easy target for such an accusation.  Having personally experienced the devastation pornography wreaks in the lives of all who touch it, I’m adamant that children never encounter it.  I  regularly ask my son if he’s seen it and am thankful that thus far he has not had to encounter it.   I also speak at youth events, where I challenge young people to keep themselves pure and keep pornography out of their lives.  The average age of exposure is now 11 years old… it’s no wonder our families are falling apart.  Boys see images and videos on a screen and begin to believe they depict the realities of sex, when nothing could be further from the truth.

It’s my belief that your husband’s problems really have very little to do with you, *****.  He needs professional help.  Some will say, “He just needs God.”  I disagree.  In the Bible, we are told to share each other’s burdens.  We are told to confess to each other.  The point is that God instituted life to involve healings that include other people.  I’ve been seeing a Psychiatrist for quite some time now.  We’ve made a lot of progress but there is still so much work to be done.  It was hard to admit that I needed help.  It was hard to admit that God didn’t miraculously recreate me into a perfect, valiant man.  Valiance is a journey, and others are needed to complete it.  Your husband needs to be willing to start that journey, and to continue on it as long as it takes… which just might be the rest of his life.


Conversations with a Former Prostitute

I receive emails very regularly.  I had to share this conversation with all of you.


I came across your blog and I wanted to say thank you.

I became involved in the sex industry 7 years ago, working as a prostitute in a brothel known as the “Wildkat Ranch” in Mina Nevada. Nothing could have prepared me for the devastation it would reap upon me in the 1 1/2 years of working there… I met a girl picked up from a mental facility after her release, I worked with girls cleared to work because they hadn’t disclosed that they had been exposed to someone with genital herpes, I worked with women who had done nothing with their lives but bounce from brothel to brothel for 10 years… But this pales in comparison to the changes I saw in myself.

I lived in [removed] and would fly out to the brothel every month and a half to work for 3-4 weeks straight. During this time my schedule was from 12 noon-4am EVERYDAY (when clients were no longer supposed to be accepted, but let me tell you if they were the only one of the day, they would wake us up for the line up) Sometimes we would come out of the shower at 10 in the morning to find a man waiting for us to line up, and we had to pretend we wanted to be having sex again… These men that would come through, some were 400+ pound truck drivers, with penises that had smegma rimming them, we’d have to wash the penis during the “Dick Check” you know the part where we make sure they don’t have a current outbreak of something.. their bodies would smell from being on the road.. On one occasion I had my clitoris bit, I received a rectal tear, and my episiotomy from my last child was retorn.. Often the men would want to watch porn with us, or they would bring in porn magazines.. one man brought in pornography that could be classified as rape.. during this incident he slapped me and told me that I needed to act like I didn’t want it.. Another man tried to violently fist me.

They tell you at the Brothel that they are there to protect you, but on more than one occasion I screamed, and no one came- even though they have a speaker to the room where they make sure we aren’t asking for more money and not giving them half.. Out of it all, having to watch porn with the men was the worst though, because they would want to know what I liked, they would rub at my body or have me rub them off while they told me how they wished I was as pretty as her, or how they wished I was skinnier. They would make fun of my stretch marks and tell me that I should give them a refund.. The would tell me after I was done that they were going to try my friend and maybe she would be more like the girl in the video..

I would come home from this, and try to pretend that I was a better person because I didn’t need a loan for school now, or that I had a car I could use to drive my kids around.. But I am less of a person. I would have to continue the lies with my family, telling them the story that the brothel had me tell, that I was training for a new career in Real Estate and I was working for Jerry Dickerson the man that owned the brothel at the time.. They offered to write me a letter of reference if I ever needed one, and my tax statement looked normal to those who weren’t familiar with the location or industry.. but there were physical costs too. My vagina needs repair from the way it was stretched, it is nearly impossible for me to have a vaginal orgasm now, my anal tear took months to heal, but the worst is my brain. I gained weight from severe depression, had to be put on medication, and I saw any beauty that I had as a young women disappear before my eyes.

God is the only one that could fix that.. but it took A LONG TIME before I ever felt that God could want me back.


[Removed Name],

I love you. I have never read an email message and responded with that before. But reading yours just filled me with emotion. God loves you, too. There’s nothing that you’ve ever done or possibly could do that would change that. The things you described are so opposite of what He wants for you, but they don’t take you away from Him.


Thank you for the response.. I’d stumbled upon a story about you on the Porn Harms website, which brought me to your blog. The segment you wrote about the girl in the fetal position sucking her thumb made me physically break down, because I understand that feeling. Knowing that this girl had been observed in that state, so vulnerable and broken… I was greatful to you for having given her a voice.

I shared my story with you because I feel that the more people like us that you have standing behind you, the more reasons you have to continue your work. I don’t think it is clearly understood the voracious control pornography has on the sex trade- many of the girls I worked with had prior experience working in pornography, whether it be magazines, videos or as cam girls- they wind up in the brothels because it is a lucrative form of self promotion to have formerly been in a pornographic video or spread OR because they have aged out of performance work. When I asked some of these girls why they didn’t move on and do something else, they would say things like, “this is all I really know how to do to make money, I’m good at this”. The saddest truth is that every girl will eventually try working outside of the brothel, I did it myself. As dangerous as it is to work within a brothel, it is 1000 times more dangerous to work within an escort agency and 10000 times more dangerous to work beneath a pimp. The only way the disease, physical abuse, robbery, sex trafficking and murder will stop is if the so-called “safer sex industry” dies. Girls like me, we cant explain the link, we can’t explain the death of our spirit and our loss of innocence, or the link between how we got from a photo spread to standing on a corner… It is people like you who give us a voice- for some reason the voice of a former prostitue is easy to tune out, but your voice seems loud enough to be heard. Thank you, Please don’t stop doing what you do.


If you’d let me, I’d love to remove your name (for your privacy) and then post our conversation on my website and on my Facebook page. Let me know what you think about that.


Absolutely… if it helps even one person that would make what I’ve gone through seem worth it.


And it will. 


Is This Sexy?

In an internet discussion with a bunch of guys who think porn’s great, I shared a few of my “porn stories”, which you, my constant readers, have all read.  There are always all sorts of reasons/objections these guys use to explain why each story “isn’t my fault” or to find somewhere else to pass the buck of blame.

I decided to look for other stories of reality, so I went to the website of  former porn star Shelley Lubben and found some really sexy facts:

  • 66% of porn stars have Herpes, a non-curable disease.
  • Chlamydia and Gonorrhea among performers is 10x greater than that of LA County 20-24 year olds.
  • 70% of sexually transmitted infections in the porn industry occur in females.
  • 25 HIV cases among porn performers since 2004 reported by Adult Industry Medical Healthcare.
  • 20 suicides and 28 drug related deaths among performers that we know of since 2000.
  • Over 100 straight and gay performers died from AIDS.
  • The largest group viewing online pornography is ages 12 to 17.
  • More than 11 million teens regularly view porn online.
  • Worldwide pornography revenue in 2006 was $97.06 billion. Of that, approximately $13 billion was in the United States.
  • There are 4.2 million pornographic websites, 420 million pornographic web pages, and 68 million daily search engine requests.

She has links to references backing up those stats at the bottom of the page, and a few “happy happy joy joy” stories from porn stars some of you might recognize over on this page. Beautiful stories, no? Check them out:

“I did over 100 xxx hardcore movies where I was slapped, hit, choked and forced to to sex scenes I never agreed to.
As I did more and more scenes I abused prescription pills which were given to me anytime I wanted by several Doctors in the San Fernando Valley. I was given Vicodin, Xanax, Norcos, Prozac and Zoloft.” – Michelle Avanti

My first movie I was treated very rough by 3 guys. They pounded on me, gagged me with their penises, and tossed me around like I was a ball! I was sore, hurting and could barely walk. My insides burned and hurt so badly. I could barely pee and to try to have a bowel movement was out of the question. I was hurting so bad from the physical abuse from these 3 male porn stars! – Alexa Milano

“People in the porn industry are numb to real life and are like zombies walking around. The abuse that goes on in this industry is completely ridiculous. The way these young ladies are treated is totally sick and brainwashing. I left due to the trauma I experienced even though I was there only a short time.” – Jessie Jewels

“I had bodily fluids all over my face that had to stay on my face for ten minutes. The abuse and degradation was rough. I sweated and was in deep pain. On top of the horrifying experience, my whole body ached, and I was irritable the whole day. The director didn’t really care how I feltt; he only wanted to finish the video.” – Genevieve

“They told me if had my AIDS test that I’d be safe. I arrived on the set with my test and did a hardcore scene with two men. Within that week I was very sick with a fever of 104 and blisters all over my mouth, throat and private area. I looked like a monster. The doctor told me I had the non-curable disease Genital Herpes. I wanted to die.” – Roxy aka Shelley Lubben

“The truth is I let my lifestyle get the best of me. I hate life. I’m a mess. A disaster. I’ve attempted suicide many times.”
“No one cares about a dead porn star or stripper.” – Neesa

“Guys punching you in the face. You have semen from many guys all over your face, in your eyes. You get ripped. Your insides can come out of you. It’s never ending.” – Jersey Jaxin

“I found out 2 days later that I had caught gonorrhea in my first scene! As quick as that the glamour of being a porn star was gone. In the five years I was shooting I caught Gonorrhea and Chlamydia many times. Sometimes both at the same time about every 3-5 months.” – Nadia Styles

“As for myself, I ended up paying the price from working in the porn industry. In 2006, not even 9 months in, I caught a moderate form of dysplasia of the cervix(which is a form of HPV, a sexually transmitted disease) and later that day, I also found out I was pregnant. I had only 1 choice which was to abort the baby during my first month. It was extremely painful emotionally and physically. When it was all over, I cried my eyes out.”- Tamra Toryn

“My first scene was one of the worst experiences of my life. It was very scary. It was a very rough scene. My agent didn’t let me know ahead of time… I did it and I was crying and they didn’t stop. It was really violent. He was hitting me. It hurt. It scared me more than anything. They wouldn’t stop. They just kept rolling.”
“Drugs are huge. They’re using viagra. It’s unnatural. The girls will be on xanax and vicodin.” – Sierra Sinn

“I didn’t want to feel the pain of penetration from an over average sized man, being told to freeze in a position until the camera man was happy with his shots was very painful. I had peoples body fluids forced on my face or anywhere else the producer pleased and I had to accept it or else no pay. Sometimes you would get to a gig and the producer would change what the scene was supposed to be to something more intense and again if you didn’t like it, too bad, you did it or no pay.” – Elizabeth Rollings

“I went through more heartbreaks and became suicidal. I was taken to the hospital for panic attacks. I tried to overdose on xanax, strangle myself, and cut my wrists but not nearly deep enough. I was too scared of the pain. I prayed God would just take me away! I felt helpless. I even went to church for a few months but the guilt I felt was overwhelming that I would feel as if I were choking when I was at church. I had to choose and once again I chose to continue sinning. It was easier and I needed the money.” – Crissy Moran

“I hung out with a lot of people in the Adult industry, everybody from contract girls to gonzo actresses. Everybody has the same problems. Everybody is on drugs. It’s an empty lifestyle trying to fill up a void.”
“I became horribly addicted to heroin and crack. I overdosed at least 3 times, had tricks pull knives on me, have been beaten half to death- the only reason I am still here is God. – Becca Brat

“We should think about these issues right now, to change stuff around to make this a safer f**kin’ business. It isn’t a safe business, and I thought it was, and I would have not did that scene with no condom with Darren James if it would have crossed my mind that those tests weren’t good and that I couldn’t trust him or the people he’s been with. I thought porn people were the cleanest people in the world, is what I thought.” – Lara Roxx, diagnosed with HIV in April, 2004 along with four other porn stars.

How well does this match up to the sexually appealing picture trying to be portrayed on screen?  Witnessing these types of things in person is the biggest reason I can honestly say I’m not attracted to porn.


Dear @JohnCMayer – Re: Producing Porn

Dear Mr. Mayer,

Do you mind if I call you John?  I know we’ve never met, it’s just that you seem like the type who’d rather be called “John” than “Mr. Mayer”.  We’re not friends, but I really dig your music.  In fact, I listened to your latest album, Battle Studies, twice on my flight back to California from the East Coast yesterday.  Right now I’m listening to a “John Mayer” mix on iTunes while I write this at my favorite coffee shop.

John Mayer can be found on Twitter: @JohnCMayer

I read part of the interview you did with Playboy.  I’m not gonna say anything at all about the racial stuff – besides, you’ve recanted all that, and I respect you for doing so.  I’ll keep buying every album you release, as I’ve done in the past.  I hope what I write here actually helps you, John – and I think it’s very possible the words that follow can do just that.

I want to discuss the part where you said you’d like to produce pornography.  I know a bit about this:  I was a porn producer for 9 years.  In fact, Playboy was one of my clients.  I produced for their ICS department and also traveled the country for a bit as part of the team recruiting for Special Editions.  One of the girls I’ve photographed even made Miss February in the main magazine, and another of my first timers was featured as well, but I don’t remember which month anymore.  I could go ask, I suppose, as she owns a business less than two miles from where I sit right now.  But that really doesn’t matter.  You said in that same interview that you probably see 300 vaginas a day while looking at porn before satisfying yourself.  That being the case, you’ve undoubtedly run across my work at some point:  I released more than 2 million pornographic photographs and hours of video footage into the world during my career. Since porn’s such a strong interest, you may have seen the debate I participated in at Yale University with Ron Jeremy, Monique Alexander and Craig Gross when it aired on Nightline ABC (click the link and scroll down to where it says “Nightline Face-Off: America Addicted to Porn?“).

That brings me to what I wanted to share with you: What is it like to produce porn? You might notice from my website title that I’m now a Christian.  I have no idea how you feel about that, but just in case you don’t look favorably on such things I’ll try to keep the Jesus stuff out of this.  Let’s just have a conversation about what goes on behind the scenes in porn world.  With or without “Jesus Stuff”, I think I can share a few things with you that you’ve never before considered… and that’s my goal: to educate.  Who knows, you might even read something that will free up your time a bit.  Porn just might not seem so attractive if you finish reading this article.

John, don’t get me wrong… I definitely had some fun times producing porn.  The money was good, the freedom was great, most of the people I knew in the business were fun to party with, and even being the overweight opposite-of-eye-candy that I am, I slept with more than my share of models.  But, honestly, the naked girls part got old very quickly.  Sex related work does weird things to people, John.  I watched college girls come through my doors with bright eyes, then watched that light fade over the coming weeks.  It’s kinda like seeing someone die inside.  I dunno about you, but I didn’t find that very sexy.

I definitely want to share more on how porn affects the girls involved as actresses, but first, let’s remove some of the glamour of producing from a different angle.  I need to caution some of my readers that I’m about to copy and paste something I wrote on this blog back on March 5th, 2005, when I was still producing porn.  I’m not gonna censor the language I used , as I’m tempted to do in order to prevent my current audience from being offended.  This is a letter from me to you, John, so I’m just gonna say what I need to say by copying/pasting what I wrote back then:

When mentioning my profession to other males the response is almost always the same:

“Man, you have the perfect job!”

Or something similar. But the truth of the matter is that it’s a lot more work than you might think. And then there are the shitty assholes. By “shitty assholes” I’m being 100% literal.

On more than one occasion I’ve had a model come over for a shoot. I’ll start photographing her only to discover that her asshole is covered with shit . Seriously!

A specific example comes to mind: I noticed a smell in the room when photographing one particular model. I continued the shoot anyway. When I transferred the photos from my compact flash card (I shoot with digital SLRs: Nikon D1x, Fuji S2 Pro, Nikon D100) and looked at them on the computer I noticed that there was shit all over the model’s ass. I couldn’t fucking believe it! I don’t know why the hell a girl would come over to my house to pose naked and forget to clean her ass.

Which brings me to the subject of toilet paper…

Does anyone ever stop to think that moisture is usually necessary for proper cleaning? I mean, think about it… would you clean up oil with a dry towel? Why would you clean your ass with dry toilet paper? If you really want to be clean, invest in some flushable baby wipes! I have some sitting on the back of the toilet in every bathroom in my house.

That doesn’t sound very glamorous, does it John? But that’s not the part that I really want you to know about.  The biggest deterrent to producing porn is watching what happens in the lives of those who act in it.  I’ve shared my story with more than 4 million people now.  One of the things I’m often asked is whether or not I’m attracted to porn anymore.  I usually respond to that question with a few of my own.  You ready?  Here they are, John:

What’s attractive about a model curled up in the fetal position in a corner between takes, sucking her thumb because her mind is so blown by what she’s just done to herself?   Do the porn companies share, in the credits, a line similar to this one:  “this girl had to have surgery to repair the damage done to her body by the scene you just found so enticing”?   Of course not!  That’s just not sexy, is it John?  Nobody’d be spankin’ their monkey if stuff like that was thrown on screen, would they?

Lots of my former models are dreamin’ with broken hearts now, John. And the wakin’ up?  That’s the hardest part for sure… because every morning when she does wake up, the stuff she shot for me is still there, as it will be for life.  It isn’t ever, ever, ever going away.  When she’s old and grey, when she has grandkids running around the house, that content is still going to be out there circulating somewhere, John.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m ALL FOR free speech.  But just because we HAVE freedom to do something doesn’t mean that we HAVE TO DO IT or that it’s a GOOD IDEA to do so.

Funny thing, John… I just took off my Beats by Dr Dre headphones, through which I was listening to my John Mayer iTunes playlist, only to hear you playing over the radio here at the coffee shop.  We love your music, man.

Here on my website I’ve shared with my readers a few stories about some of the things these girls have gone through.  You can find them by scrolling through the porn stories category.  But be warned, my friend… they just might remove some of the fantasy of pornography and replace it with a little un-sexy reality.  I don’t know about you, but if I was looking at some photos or solo-video of the very attractive girl who wrote this email to me it might be a little bit harder to masturbate to those things knowing that, in her words, she is now “freakin suicidal!!! freakin sick over this….throwing up, cannot sleep at all…” It just doesn’t seem as sexy as it used to be when she tells me that (pasting her words again) “I know I did those pics and yes it was my fault, I want to get them OFF the internet. Is there anyway possible to do that ASAP? I will pay you the money back, whatever it takes. This will and is ruining my life.”

When I received a round of emails and phone calls from a beautiful girl who was begging me, in tears while sobbing so hard I could barely understand her, to get her content off the Internet as it had ruined the relationship she had with her father… that wasn’t a very lust-inducing experience either.  See, what happened in her case was this:  daddy was leaving his office with his buddies.  They were planning to go grab a beer together.  But when daddy and his buddies got to his car it was covered with photos of his daughter in various explicit poses.  Dad was rather humiliated, John.  He was instantly ashamed of his little girl.  When he shared this incident with her, she was rather ashamed herself.  I shot the photos that ended up on daddy’s car, and when I did so it didn’t cross my mind that she wasn’t someone to visualize while chokin’ the chicken – that she was actually somebody’s baby girl, somebody’s future wife, somebody’s sister… a beautiful person who was born to be loved, not lusted over by millions of men.

In the past three and a half years I’ve attempted to apologize to former models/actresses I recruited into the business.  When I tried to befriend one on myspace I received this email as her response:

“Hello Donny,

I’m sorry, but I can’t be your friend.  People found out about the pictures I did and I came really close to killing myself over it.  I need to forget about it and move on.  That does not mean I blame you or anything, but that does mean I have to cut ties involving it, and that does involve you.  You’re more than welcome to write me, etc… I just can’t have you on my friends list.  I’m very sorry and hope you understand.”

Let me tell you, John… I’d fantasized for months about that girl following the photo shoots I had with her way back in my early porn producing days.  She really got me going.  But hearing that she, too, almost killed herself over PICTURES?  Knowing that, a person would have to be rather emotionless to be able to still look at those photos and be aroused by them.

Are you picking up what I’m laying down, John?  Producing porn pretty much killed my sex drive DEAD, John.  Between me and you, I’m kind of afraid that when I’m finally married again I’ll be so screwed up in the head over what I’ve witnessed that my sex life with my wife will suffer.  I’ve spoken to counselors about that, actually.  I’ve seen how fake porn is, my friend, and after shooting it for so long I can’t seem to help associating anything sexual with it.  That shouldn’t be the case, John:  God created sex to be beautiful and fun, and He had reasons for asking us to confine it to committed relationships – I swear to you, He didn’t ask that of us in order to take our fun away or so He’d have a reason to send us to hell if we didn’t follow His plan.  It was more like this:  “I know how you’re wired.  Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have other people in your head when you’re making love to your wife?  Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have to worry about who was in your her head when she’s with you?  You can do whatever you want, but I wish you’d trust me.  I really do want the best for you.”

The reality of what porn has done to real-life people isn’t pretty.  No amount of justification removes what I’ve seen.  It doesn’t matter how often people say things like, “they were adults making their own adult decisions” and “well, if our puritanical society didn’t make such a big deal out of sex this sort of thing wouldn’t happen!”  Those words are so shallow and meaningless after seeing so many lives personally affected.  There is a letter in the Bible where Paul writes to the people of Corinth that sexual things affected us on a deeper level than anything else.  John, I believe Paul on that one.  I have personal experience that gives evidence he’s right.  From my model Karma, who has a baby who will never know his father (because men decided to rape here while she was passed out at a party – after all, she’s a “porn star” so why not take what they want, right?) to the girl who called me in humiliated tears after going to her college campus one day only to find photos of herself stapled on trees all across campus, I have seen the fallout from sexual “sin”.  It makes me ashamed to be a man sometimes, John.  Indeed, the female body is a wonderland, my friend, and so many of us use our hands… and lose our heads and hearts… over it.

Trust me, John… you don’t want to produce porn.  You don’t want to be responsible for devastating lives.  And no matter how good your intentions might be, that’s exactly what you’d be doing.

DOWNLOAD THIS MP3: Donny Pauling speaking at Pocono Community Church in Pocono, Pennsylvania – Pastor David Crosby introduces me at the 12 minute mark.


If Porn’s a Problem In Your Married Life Read This

I’ve been fortunate enough to speak to more than 4 million people now.  I take it much more seriously today than I did when I first started in December 2006.  You see, back then it was all about “me”.   I was telling “my” story.  What God had done in “my” life.

But traveling and meeting you all has a way of changing things.  My perspective is much different today than it was then.  That’s part of the reason I don’t write as much as I used to write:  the more I learn, the more I realize I don’t really know all that much about – well – anything.  I’ve silenced myself for the most part because God has taken the ego down a notch or two and made it very clear that this ministry isn’t about me at all.  As cliche and “Christianese” as it sounds, my story is really God’s story.  What has happened in my life is literally an illustration that He can use ALL things for his good.

When a person has a purpose, when a person has a vision, when a person has a cause, well it’s just impossible to NOT be changed.  The Bible tells us that where there is no vision, God’s people perish.  I can tell you this:  the stories you all share with me strengthen me, teach me, make me see PURPOSE and give me a vision.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for emailing me.  Thank you for shaking my hand after I’ve come down off that stage where I stood in front of you sharing my “God story”.  If you struggle with porn or are affected by someone who does, my prayer for you is that you, too, will catch a vision and see the purpose for your own life.  You might be struggling now, but once you’ve conquered this issue God is going to use you to help someone else do the same.  That’s a big responsibility.  Please choose to live up to it. And please, I beg you, continue praying that I will be given the strength to live up to MY responsibilities as well.

Lots of people email me.  Sometimes I have something to offer.  Many times I don’t.  I’m not a counselor, and am in no position to give advice for many cases.

It’s particularly hard for me to answer emails from women who are in pain due to a husband’s porn addiction.  I don’t know what to say most of the time, and I also feel so much guilt for contributing to that cycle.  When these emails come in, I’ll sometimes ask Wendy for feedback.  Wendy, as you know if you’ve been reading for any length of time, is the amazing wife God gave me, the mother of my son,  whose heart I ripped to shreds with my lies, cheating, and involvement in porn production.  After all I’ve done to her, especially because of all I’ve done to her, even though my choices have resulted in her no longer holding the title of “wife”, I’m honored to call her my friend.  A very good friend.

When a woman recently emailed me asking for help… well, I’ll just let you read Amy’s email to me, followed by Wendy’s response.  The first time I read Wendy’s letter in church it helped save a marriage.  I hope you find it useful, too.  But first, the plea for help from “Amy”:

Hello Donny,

I first want to say that I just found your blog yesterday and I sat and wept at my kitchen table as I began to read the entries, one at a time from start to finish. You have chosen such an amazing journey and I have NO doubt that God will continue to bless you and your family as he has already started to do.

I’m not really sure where to begin so I guess I will just start here…I found out a little over a year ago that my husband is addicted to pornography. It is so overwhelming for me as I am just starting to learn how deep and dark these wounds are for a man, his wife, and their marriage. I struggle everyday with the fear of what’s next.

I know my God protects me. I know who I am in his eyes. But as confident as I am in that…my husbands addiction is stripping away all that I am. I feel that I am alone in this fight because I have not really found anyone who understands or can guide and support me in the decisions and choices I need to make in order to cope with this reality.

I want to be the wife that I feel in my heart that God has called me to be…I just have no idea how right now. I have been touched by your entries about your ex wife Wendy and all that the two of you have been through. She seems like a woman who has been through it and come out in a stronger place because of it.

My question is this…does she have a blog or email that she makes public? Does she, in any way, support wives who are dealing with this issue? I am really just looking for any kind of support from women that I can get. I want to know there are strong women praying for my husband and I. I want to know there is someone I can turn to when the heart ache and sadness seem like the only things that are certain in my life.

If she has nothing like this, do you have any suggestions for a wife who needs support? It seems like the wives are a lost casualty in this war…there isn’t much out there for us that I have found so far. We are from the (location removed) area so maybe you know of some things that I don’t.

I appreciate all the help you can give.

Keep up the fight…you are truly a blessed and courageous man of God.

Thanks for your honesty.

It’s been more than 7 years since Wendy and I divorced, but I think you can see the emotions still present when you read her response, which I’m about to share with you.  Pay attention to capitalization, multiple question marks, and exclamation marks.  PLEASE note that Wendy realizes this probably isn’t what God would want her to say.  But her words brought a man to repentance before God after he heard me read this aloud.  He’d heard similar things from his wife, but said hearing it from someone else brought it home for him.  This letter has had an impact on many people.  I’ve had numerous requests for a copy of it to be emailed to them.  I decided to share it with all of you.

Here is Wendy’s reply:


You don’t understand….It hurts SOOOO much just to read this letter….and all I feel like I could give her is to say run…run RUN! Run away, far away. It’s adultery in the most painful form. It’s ongoing because it’s not a “real” affair. So it’s like trying to work through a marriage one sided. While he’s having this continual affair, you’re trying to work through it…how is that fair?? Tell me….HOW IS THAT OKAY?

How can I try to give women tools to work through it? How can I tell them to try to rebuild something with someone who is not doing their part? It’s so one sided. All I would want to tell these women is to leave. And, that isn’t right, God needs to deal with each situation on an individual basis and they need to hear from Him what they’re supposed to do.

How can their marriage survive???? To me, it can’t. If he doesn’t quit it will tear them apart. How come this should be her burden is what I wonder? The very thing he’s stabbing her heart with and tearing their family apart with and their children or whomever, is the very thing she’s supposed to help him through? As “christians” is that what we are supposed to do? Stand by his side and be a faithful warrior on his behalf when he is so selfish he would sacrifice his wife and children for photographs and fantasy???

I truly don’t even know. I don’t get it….. i just don’t get it. Her statement “my husbands addiction is stripping away all that I am” and “it seems like wives are a lost casualty in this war” kill me. Because I know. For me, divorcing you and getting out of all of it, was freedom, I didn’t have to continue being torn apart. I could get strong and rebuild my life. When you’re in it, your heart is ripped to shreds over and over and over again, I don’t know how to counsel someone who is going through that.

I’m angry and I have no understanding for this level of selfishness. Who knows, maybe if wives left their husbands men would see reality. The reality of the fact that it’s an affair and their wives shouldn’t have to put up with the abuse just like they shouldn’t have to put up with it if he were physically abusing them. How is it different? Emotional wounds hurt more than physical ones. Let him have his porn because that is obviously what he wants and he can’t have both.

I just don’t have the answers at this point, read in the OT when Israel was unfaithful to God, read what He did and see if you get any insight.


Ladies, if you’ve been hurt by your husband’s porn use, you’re not alone. Your hurt is NOT unique. Porn IS an affair.

Men, what are we doing to the women God’s given us to protect, love and cherish? HE has given us his daughters. Like any good daddy, He wants us to treat them right. Can we do so? Can we show that with our actions?

And those girls on that DVD or computer screen? Yeah, they’re God’s daughters too. Can we please start treating them like the Princesses they are?