Donny's Ramblings


28 Comments

Let's Combat This Head On

One thing that has always angered me about Christians is that they refuse to meet certain challenges head-on. I was recently sent a video that attacks the basis for Christianity and questions whether or not Jesus really existed. I used to send similar videos to Christians during my Christian-Hating Years. Nobody would take the time to respond. They were always quick to dismiss.

The problem with that type of attitude, in my opinion, is that we and our children are going to continue to be asked questions such as those that are raised by this video:

Click here to watch “Zeitgeist The Movie”
(runtime: 26 minutes, 20 seconds)

The video is 26 minutes long. It is clearly anti-Christianity, and it raises lots of questions. The funny thing is that I bet pastors across the country, when and if they’re asked about this, will likely ignore it or dismiss it with questions on faith and whether or not Christians should watch such content. Are we so fragile that we can’t view what those who don’t believe have begun arming themselves with?

To be honest, if someone approached me for an opinion on this video (which someone actually recently did) I don’t have answers for them. I’ve been searching for answers on my own, and believe each of us need to do our own research, but I also think our spiritual leaders need to educate us on how to deal with things like this. And I’m not talking about “blow off” answers. We need real meat here. People aren’t as ignorant as they once were, my friends.

I’ve promised the person who sent me the link that I’d respond, unlike the Christians to whom I used to raise similar questions. Watch the video (click here) and tell me what you think, and how you’d respond.


56 Comments

Let’s Combat This Head On

One thing that has always angered me about Christians is that they refuse to meet certain challenges head-on. I was recently sent a video that attacks the basis for Christianity and questions whether or not Jesus really existed. I used to send similar videos to Christians during my Christian-Hating Years. Nobody would take the time to respond. They were always quick to dismiss.

The problem with that type of attitude, in my opinion, is that we and our children are going to continue to be asked questions such as those that are raised by this video:

Click here to watch “Zeitgeist The Movie”
(runtime: 26 minutes, 20 seconds)

The video is 26 minutes long. It is clearly anti-Christianity, and it raises lots of questions. The funny thing is that I bet pastors across the country, when and if they’re asked about this, will likely ignore it or dismiss it with questions on faith and whether or not Christians should watch such content. Are we so fragile that we can’t view what those who don’t believe have begun arming themselves with?

To be honest, if someone approached me for an opinion on this video (which someone actually recently did) I don’t have answers for them. I’ve been searching for answers on my own, and believe each of us need to do our own research, but I also think our spiritual leaders need to educate us on how to deal with things like this. And I’m not talking about “blow off” answers. We need real meat here. People aren’t as ignorant as they once were, my friends.

I’ve promised the person who sent me the link that I’d respond, unlike the Christians to whom I used to raise similar questions. Watch the video (click here) and tell me what you think, and how you’d respond.


24 Comments

So Donald Miller Emailed Me

Let’s imagine you’re a Stephen King fan (I happen to be a HUGE Stephen King fan) and out of the blue you receive an email from Stephen King. I’m not talking about someone pretending to be Stephen King. I’m talking about an email from the man himself.

Since I first picked up his book Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller has been my Stephen King. Instead of reading the latest King book, I’d much rather read Miller. If you’ve known me for any length of time you understand what that statement says about how impressed I must be with Don.

It’s not that I idolize him. It’s not that I think he’s somehow a greater person than the rest of us. It’s just that I appreciate his writing ability and, even more so, I appreciate the way he’s helped rewire my mind. On many occasions I’ve made it clear that if I had grown up around the type of Christianity Donald Miller portrays in his books I never would have become a porn producer. I never would have caused so much pain in the lives of so many people. My son never would have experienced growing up in a home where daddy came around only to visit.

Every single Christian on the face of the planet needs to read Donald Miller’s books. In the left column of this blog you’ll find a section that says “Three Books That Changed Me.” Click on any one of those books and buy it. I recommend reading them in the order I have them listed. They’ll change your life for the better.

With this in mind, imagine what it must have been like to receive an email from the man himself. On March 25th, 2007, at 11:33pm I was able to have that experience. What he said was simple. I’ll copy and paste it for you:

donny,

don miller here, just writing to say hello. craig gross told me a bit of your story and it sounds amazing. thought i would make contact. i hope you are doing well there. and i am glad you have encountered God, and i know he is glad to have encountered you. do fire me an e-mail and give me an update on how things are going for you. all the best…

don

I had a feeling such an email might be coming. Craig Gross from XXXChurch.com has heard me speak of Donald Miller’s books on numerous occasions. Just this past weekend in Morton, IL we had lunch with the leaders of the church that hosted the last Porn and Pancakes event. I told one of the pastors about Donald Miller’s books and how every Christian should read them and, in fact, every church should start a small group to go through them chapter by chapter. Craig told me that I was a walking advertisement for Don and that he was going to email him about me.

The thing is, although he writes about life as a Christian, Donald Miller’s books are romantic. Not in a way that men can’t appreciate, and not in the way you might typically think of romance. It’s not possible for me to properly describe what I mean. You just have to experience them for yourself. That being said, let me at least attempt to draw you into what hooked me into reading Blue Like Jazz. I opened the book and this is the first thing I read:

“I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn’t resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that I liked jazz music.

Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way. I used to not like God because God didn’t resolve. But that was before any of this happened.”

That, my friends, is what I’m talking about. What a great way to start a book! I couldn’t put it down. Don Miller’s books show a Jesus I want to know. A Jesus I want to love. A Jesus I want to serve. A relationship with God that I want to experience.

He paints with words. I can’t describe his books any better than that: the man paints with words.

On March 17th, the day I announced the Hiatus that wasn’t a Hiatus after all, I read To Own a Dragon in one sitting, down at Caldwell Park in Redding, California. In it, Don discusses growing up without a father. Once again, the book changed my life. Perhaps some day I’ll tell you more about that. Perhaps not. But that weekend changed the direction in which I was heading.

Isn’t it funny how powerful words can be?

Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself.”

How does that sentence make you feel? I know what it does to me: it makes me want to be that Jazz Musician. It makes me want to love what I’m doing SO MUCH that others love what I love, just because they witness ME doing so. I want to fall so deeply in love with God that people come to know him simply because of the joy he brings to MY life.

I know that is possible. That’s part of the reason my brother surrendered his life to God. It’s part of the reason that after being an alcoholic for years, he’s still sober to this day. It’s part of the reason he calls me with hope in his voice, where before there was none.

I have no doubts whatsoever that I’ll be reading those three books numerous times. I’ll continue, as I do now, to tell people what I’ve learned from them. I’ll share the Confession chapter of Blue Like Jazz over and over again, because IT REALLY IS THAT POWERFUL.

And I’ll always remember the day an email showed up in my mail box, without a subject line, from the author of three books that were quite instrumental in rewiring my mind.

It was great to hear from you, Don.


4 Comments

To Daphne

You’re right, Daphne, most of what people will say to you is going to be trite. There’s simply not a whole lot of substance that the majority of the population will be able to offer to you.

I know how you feel. I can offer that much to you. Perhaps I don’t know EXACTLY how you feel, because nobody can know that. I don’t have magic answers for you, either. I just know that it was a very short time ago I wanted to check myself into a mental institution because just minutes earlier I was planning out how to end my life.

And that happened AFTER I became a Christian.

“God, what’s wrong with me? I SHOULD feel on top of the world, but I don’t! You’re doing so much in my life, and I even feel your presence all the time. Why do I still feel this way?”

The answer is that I have no idea what the answer is, Daphne. I simply can’t understand how those feelings still enter my being. I’m sure you feel the same.

Daphne, I’m just an overweight ex-porn-producer who gave his life to God on September 25th. Yesterday made 6 months for me. God has given me so much, yet I still feel like a failure much of the time and feel despair on a regular basis. Then I feel like more of a failure for the mood swings I keep having. My mood changes from being on top of the world to feeling really low. There’s no reason for it, but for some reason it happens anyway.

Why do I mention all of that? I dunno. Probably to just let you know that you are not alone. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes it doesn’t.

I can tell you that I’ll pray for you, and while that’s true, I’m sure that offers little comfort. It’s just another trite thing to say. I will pray for you, for sure. But I’ll also ask God if there’s anything he wants me to tell you.

I don’t have an answer to your need for a family, Daphne. I live in Redding, California: 500 miles north of you. And the only people I really know in LA are in the porn business. “I’ll pray for you to find what you need” just seems like worthless words.

What I do know is this: you’re a talented writer. You’re an amazing artist. You’re a beautiful girl. Looking at the photos in your profile, my heart skips a beat. That, my dear, is not some trite sentence. I mean it. I know you feel broken right now, but from the little I can learn about you on MySpace it sure looks to me like you’ve got some really good ingredients sitting in your bowl. You can use what you have to bake a really beautiful cake. You’ve got the makings of something very good.

And, look forward to this: there are hundreds, thousands, perhaps millions of other girls out there who feel just like you do. If you can reach inside and find a way to get over what you’re feeling right now… if you can find a way to step on Satan’s head and tell him that he’s not taking you down… then at some point in the future when another person comes to you asking for the help you’re seeking right now: YOU will be able to help, instead of posting trite replies on MySpace.

That, dear Daphne, is PURPOSE. That’s something to hold onto. You matter, and God wants to use you to help other Daphnes that he loves so dearly. I want to tell you something I learned recently, about Jesus. Perhaps Jesus isn’t what you want to hear about right now, but I’m gonna tell you anyway:

In Jesus’ day, children received their education from Rabbis starting around age 6. Between age 10 and 15, the rabbi would start to consider which of the kids he taught was good enough to carry on his yoke (his yoke = his way of teaching the Torah, or scriptures). He’d tell those who were “good enough”: “Come, follow me”. Those who were good enough would then have the honor of following that rabbi around for years, learning how to teach about God in the style of their master. The rest would be sent back home to learn the family business. They weren’t good enough to carry on the Rabbi’s yoke.

When Jesus called his disciples, you’ll notice he went to the losers. They’d been cast aside by other rabbis and sent home to learn the family business. He went to them and said, “Come, follow me.” He was saying “YOU are good enough to carry on MY yoke. You’re good enough to do my work and carry on my traditions. I don’t care if others have cast you aside, I am telling you that you’re good enough to do what I need you to do”.

I hold on to that when I feel like a failure. How can I be a failure when God himself, in the form of a man, has told me I’m good enough to carry on his yoke?

Daphne, you’re good enough to reach other people for Jesus. He wants you to be part of his family, and to help the rest of his kids through you. It doesn’t matter how often you fail. All that matters is that you get up one time more than you fall down. He’ll give you a huge hug and sit you on his lap, wiping away your tears. I know, I know, it sounds trite. But it’s so true.

I hope you find the physical family you’re looking for, but you’ve already got a spiritual family. God himself is your father, brother, and even your lover (yes, God is a lover – read Sex God by Rob Bell if you can – I’d also recommend reading Donald Miller’s Books: Blue Like Jazz, Searching for God Knows What, To Own a Dragon – you’ll SO identify with them, and I’d be happy to send my copies to you). And there are many of us in your spiritual family who can identify with how you feel. We’re here, even if it sometimes doesn’t feel like it.

(I’d like to ask all readers to please keep Daphne in your prayers. She’s having a rough time right now.)


8 Comments

New Revelations from Old Knowledge

Just a quick note:

Growing up a Pastor’s son, I was expected to win Bible quizzes. That being the case, I memorized and studied a lot of scripture. It always bored me. I loved winning Bible knowledge contests, but talking about the Bible, for the most part, bored me almost to tears. It meant nothing to me. I’d never had a “real” experience.

Since September 25th, a lot of that “knowledge” keeps coming back to me, but now it means something. I get excited when something will pop into my mind that made no sense before, yet makes all the sense in the world now.

I’m calling it “new revelations from old knowledge”.

On a side note:

Blogging about things I have problems with seems to be helping. It’s almost like a form of prayer for me. “God, I’m having a problem with _______. I’m going to write about it, accept feedback from your people, and meditate on that feedback.”

Two days ago I wrote about my lack of desire to read the Bible. Today I pulled it out and enjoyed reading several chapters. I’m already realizing that I’ll be the type that needs to dig deep, study word meanings, and understand things for myself. One reader told me to check out Logos software. It’s not currently available for Mac users, but should be early next year. You can bet I’ll pick up a copy as soon as it’s available.

I’m also beginning to enjoy church more than ever before. I text messaged Belinda while on my way to church tonight and told her “Church is Chicken Soup for the Buddha’s soul.” No, I’m not referring to the founder of Buddhism. “Buddha” is a nickname she gave to me (take a look at my stomach and you’ll understand). The name has stuck and now several people call me Buddha… or Donkey Kong, although I don’t remember how or why Donkey Kong came to be.

Thanks again to all of you who leave feedback, write emails or send prayers. It helps so very much.


11 Comments

There's More to It Than Meets the Eye

At risk of sounding even kookier than ever before, I have to let out a bit of the excitement I feel inside. The best way for me to do this is to write. Writing is my release. And you, my constant readers, play your part in helping me find that release.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflection lately, as I’m sure you can imagine. I’ve thought back over my career in the adult industry. Out of habit, I keep telling people I was a porn producer for 8 years. In actuality I produced porn for a little over 9 years. My career started on a part time basis in the summer of 1997. It’s now fall of 2006. That equals 9 years if my math is correct. For the first few years I hid it from the good woman who is now my ex-wife. A strong Christian, she thought I was a “Technology Consultant” because that’s what I told her. Once she found out the truth we were finished.

It’s well documented how much I’ve hated Christians in the past. I’ve decided to leave all of those blog entries up because they are a part of my life. There may not be an active link to my old blog, but the search engines are full of my rebellious ramblings. From time to time I questioned the existence of God himself. Those questions were rather weak and didn’t last long. It’s hard to question His existence when nature itself screams out that an intelligent designer put everything together.

I prayed. Not all the time, but on a regular basis I’d communicate with God. I never once felt he had forsaken me. In fact, there were many times I’d look skyward and profess my belief that he must still be allowing my life to be blessed for some reason. I was able to see and do things the majority of the population will never experience.

God understood me better than I could ever understand myself. Yeah, that’s a very cliché thing to say, but it’s the truth. He was always there whispering in my ear, telling me that there is a lot more to HIS reality than what the church offered. So many people in church show up, stare blankly at their hymnals or the projection screen on the wall, listen to what the preacher has to say, and then go home unmoved. It’s routine. That must be all they need. That’s not enough for me.

I’m still bothered when I watch Christians. Since September 25th I’ve been going to church and have tried to make a point of sitting as close to the front as possible so I’m not distracted by the actions of others. My major problem is allowing myself to put my eyes on them instead of concentrating on my own relationship with God. I’ll write that again so it sinks in a little: I realize the problem is my own. I hate watching pretenders. I hate seeing people go through the motions because everyone else is, and they want to fit in.

I know it sounds crazy, and many will doubt it, but God has been communicating with me on a level I never would have believed possible. And he’s been doing so in many different ways. I’m very much convinced this has a lot to do with all the prayers reaching God’s ears from those of you who have heard my story. You’re helping so much and really spoiling me right now.

I’m going out on a limb now to show you an example of what’s been happening to me. If you think I’m off my rocker feel free to let me know. I can handle it. I still want to share this with you.

A bit more background information: I’m not one to just accept what others tell me. I need to learn something for myself. I need to understand and comprehend what’s happening. Things need to make sense to me. I’ve had so many questions in my mind over the years about events that happened in the Bible that make absolutely NO SENSE to me. Horrible things happened in the Old Testament, such as infants being ripped from their mothers wombs, supposedly at God’s command (read Hosea 13:16). I used those questions to criticize those who believe the Bible to be divinely inspired.

In the weeks leading up to my surrender to God I called Craig Gross from XXXChurch.com and told him I was done with porn but not quite ready to surrender to God because I had too many questions that needed answers. But deep inside I wanted to surrender. I finally did so, without all the answers I was looking for because I felt He was promising to help me find the answers to my questions. The search for said answers is going to teach me quite a bit more than I realize.

Dear Constant Reader, my answers are starting to arrive. I’m not going to keep quiet about this, even though I fear that speaking of the manner in which God has been answering might make me look insane to some of you. I am at the point where I really don’t care what other people think.

One of the MANY major questions in my mind has always been, “If God cares so much and loves us so much, why do people hurt and die?” Especially children.

As promised, God has begun to come through. Ready for the insanity? Here I go:

Last week I had a dream. In the dream I was in a store by a lake. My dad and step-mom were at the counter paying for something. I was reading through Hallmark cards when God started speaking to me in my head. My step mom nodded her head towards me so my dad would look my way and notice the huge smile on my face and the goose bumps on my arms. I began walking down the hall crying joyful tears and fell to the ground. God was speaking to me with a warm voice and in a tone that was very comforting. This was a dream, mind you, but the communication in that dream was answering the question I just wrote about. Here’s what he had to say:

These things are allowed to happen because of “choice” and “faith”. This earth belongs to us, and we must choose God, not because we want to have a perfect life, but because we truly want to know and commune with him. He needs to be our choice. He demands that the choice be entirely ours. EVERYONE would seek him if he made lives perfect. It’s “tough love” on his part to watch some of the suffering that happens here, but we learn things from our experiences that we aren’t even aware we’re learning. He won’t make our lives perfect for us just because we ask for it. We still have to work hard and live and love and play, but what he does offer is a comfort and bit of help once in awhile. And he also offers us the strength we need to face what life brings to us. In “the big picture” life itself is so fleeting, and the pain we experience while here is even shorter.

Some people say God has a plan for everyone. That is true, I’m sure. But we also have to be proactive to make that plan a reality. It won’t just “happen” if you know what I mean. So many people sit back in their easy chair eating bon bons and having the attitude that life will just happen for them because “God is in control”. Let me ask you a question… if you’re a parent, will you just allow your children to sit back and relax while you go out and get their life going for them, or will you encourage them to experience life on their own?

We can’t see the big picture. We can only see a tiny part of it. On the timeline of eternity we’re here on earth for less than a speck. I don’t completely understand what we learn here, but I have a feeling it’s a lot more than anyone realizes. Everything here serves a purpose. Some of the bad things that happen now are for reasons we won’t understand for a very long time.

A good parent won’t let their child eat too much candy. When children are young they may not understand why they are not allowed to eat all the candy they want. It seems so good! How can it be bad? Mommy and Daddy must be mean people to say “No, you can’t have anymore!” Eventually a child will grow and come to the understanding of “why” his/her parents were “so mean”. That’s what I was being told in my dream. I may not understand all of the “why’s” right now, but in time we all will. We’re on earth because the earth is a gift and a learning experience for us. Likewise, we have to pray because this is “our” world. It belongs to us, so we must invite God to do things for us. He doesn’t just enact his will, just as parents won’t go build a life for their child. But, like that parent, he will help out once in awhile when we ask.

All of that was revealed to me in my dream, and I am very confident such revelations are going to continue. Some of you may have already known these answers. For me, there is hearing and then there is KNOWING. Right now I’m being tutored one on one and I’m so excited I can hardly contain it.

I’ve never in my life experienced anything like this before. When people ask why I am willing to give up everything to “find God” I don’t really know what to tell them. How could I possibly explain what it’s like to have God’s presence descend on me? And how in the world can anything in my past compare to this experience? And why in the world did God choose to begin pouring his presence out on me after what I’ve been doing the past 9 years, when others seek to experience this and have never harmed others as I have done?

To those asking questions, all I have to say to you is this:

You simply can’t know… until you know. But as for me? I want more!


22 Comments

There’s More to It Than Meets the Eye

At risk of sounding even kookier than ever before, I have to let out a bit of the excitement I feel inside. The best way for me to do this is to write. Writing is my release. And you, my constant readers, play your part in helping me find that release.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflection lately, as I’m sure you can imagine. I’ve thought back over my career in the adult industry. Out of habit, I keep telling people I was a porn producer for 8 years. In actuality I produced porn for a little over 9 years. My career started on a part time basis in the summer of 1997. It’s now fall of 2006. That equals 9 years if my math is correct. For the first few years I hid it from the good woman who is now my ex-wife. A strong Christian, she thought I was a “Technology Consultant” because that’s what I told her. Once she found out the truth we were finished.

It’s well documented how much I’ve hated Christians in the past. I’ve decided to leave all of those blog entries up because they are a part of my life. There may not be an active link to my old blog, but the search engines are full of my rebellious ramblings. From time to time I questioned the existence of God himself. Those questions were rather weak and didn’t last long. It’s hard to question His existence when nature itself screams out that an intelligent designer put everything together.

I prayed. Not all the time, but on a regular basis I’d communicate with God. I never once felt he had forsaken me. In fact, there were many times I’d look skyward and profess my belief that he must still be allowing my life to be blessed for some reason. I was able to see and do things the majority of the population will never experience.

God understood me better than I could ever understand myself. Yeah, that’s a very cliché thing to say, but it’s the truth. He was always there whispering in my ear, telling me that there is a lot more to HIS reality than what the church offered. So many people in church show up, stare blankly at their hymnals or the projection screen on the wall, listen to what the preacher has to say, and then go home unmoved. It’s routine. That must be all they need. That’s not enough for me.

I’m still bothered when I watch Christians. Since September 25th I’ve been going to church and have tried to make a point of sitting as close to the front as possible so I’m not distracted by the actions of others. My major problem is allowing myself to put my eyes on them instead of concentrating on my own relationship with God. I’ll write that again so it sinks in a little: I realize the problem is my own. I hate watching pretenders. I hate seeing people go through the motions because everyone else is, and they want to fit in.

I know it sounds crazy, and many will doubt it, but God has been communicating with me on a level I never would have believed possible. And he’s been doing so in many different ways. I’m very much convinced this has a lot to do with all the prayers reaching God’s ears from those of you who have heard my story. You’re helping so much and really spoiling me right now.

I’m going out on a limb now to show you an example of what’s been happening to me. If you think I’m off my rocker feel free to let me know. I can handle it. I still want to share this with you.

A bit more background information: I’m not one to just accept what others tell me. I need to learn something for myself. I need to understand and comprehend what’s happening. Things need to make sense to me. I’ve had so many questions in my mind over the years about events that happened in the Bible that make absolutely NO SENSE to me. Horrible things happened in the Old Testament, such as infants being ripped from their mothers wombs, supposedly at God’s command (read Hosea 13:16). I used those questions to criticize those who believe the Bible to be divinely inspired.

In the weeks leading up to my surrender to God I called Craig Gross from XXXChurch.com and told him I was done with porn but not quite ready to surrender to God because I had too many questions that needed answers. But deep inside I wanted to surrender. I finally did so, without all the answers I was looking for because I felt He was promising to help me find the answers to my questions. The search for said answers is going to teach me quite a bit more than I realize.

Dear Constant Reader, my answers are starting to arrive. I’m not going to keep quiet about this, even though I fear that speaking of the manner in which God has been answering might make me look insane to some of you. I am at the point where I really don’t care what other people think.

One of the MANY major questions in my mind has always been, “If God cares so much and loves us so much, why do people hurt and die?” Especially children.

As promised, God has begun to come through. Ready for the insanity? Here I go:

Last week I had a dream. In the dream I was in a store by a lake. My dad and step-mom were at the counter paying for something. I was reading through Hallmark cards when God started speaking to me in my head. My step mom nodded her head towards me so my dad would look my way and notice the huge smile on my face and the goose bumps on my arms. I began walking down the hall crying joyful tears and fell to the ground. God was speaking to me with a warm voice and in a tone that was very comforting. This was a dream, mind you, but the communication in that dream was answering the question I just wrote about. Here’s what he had to say:

These things are allowed to happen because of “choice” and “faith”. This earth belongs to us, and we must choose God, not because we want to have a perfect life, but because we truly want to know and commune with him. He needs to be our choice. He demands that the choice be entirely ours. EVERYONE would seek him if he made lives perfect. It’s “tough love” on his part to watch some of the suffering that happens here, but we learn things from our experiences that we aren’t even aware we’re learning. He won’t make our lives perfect for us just because we ask for it. We still have to work hard and live and love and play, but what he does offer is a comfort and bit of help once in awhile. And he also offers us the strength we need to face what life brings to us. In “the big picture” life itself is so fleeting, and the pain we experience while here is even shorter.

Some people say God has a plan for everyone. That is true, I’m sure. But we also have to be proactive to make that plan a reality. It won’t just “happen” if you know what I mean. So many people sit back in their easy chair eating bon bons and having the attitude that life will just happen for them because “God is in control”. Let me ask you a question… if you’re a parent, will you just allow your children to sit back and relax while you go out and get their life going for them, or will you encourage them to experience life on their own?

We can’t see the big picture. We can only see a tiny part of it. On the timeline of eternity we’re here on earth for less than a speck. I don’t completely understand what we learn here, but I have a feeling it’s a lot more than anyone realizes. Everything here serves a purpose. Some of the bad things that happen now are for reasons we won’t understand for a very long time.

A good parent won’t let their child eat too much candy. When children are young they may not understand why they are not allowed to eat all the candy they want. It seems so good! How can it be bad? Mommy and Daddy must be mean people to say “No, you can’t have anymore!” Eventually a child will grow and come to the understanding of “why” his/her parents were “so mean”. That’s what I was being told in my dream. I may not understand all of the “why’s” right now, but in time we all will. We’re on earth because the earth is a gift and a learning experience for us. Likewise, we have to pray because this is “our” world. It belongs to us, so we must invite God to do things for us. He doesn’t just enact his will, just as parents won’t go build a life for their child. But, like that parent, he will help out once in awhile when we ask.

All of that was revealed to me in my dream, and I am very confident such revelations are going to continue. Some of you may have already known these answers. For me, there is hearing and then there is KNOWING. Right now I’m being tutored one on one and I’m so excited I can hardly contain it.

I’ve never in my life experienced anything like this before. When people ask why I am willing to give up everything to “find God” I don’t really know what to tell them. How could I possibly explain what it’s like to have God’s presence descend on me? And how in the world can anything in my past compare to this experience? And why in the world did God choose to begin pouring his presence out on me after what I’ve been doing the past 9 years, when others seek to experience this and have never harmed others as I have done?

To those asking questions, all I have to say to you is this:

You simply can’t know… until you know. But as for me? I want more!


18 Comments

I May Sound a Bit “Kooky” After This

Definitions of Kook on the Web:
* someone regarded as eccentric or crazy and standing out from a group
* Crank, crackpot, or quack

I’ve been holding back a little in my writing, partially because I don’t want to embarrass myself. If I told everything I’ve been experiencing it might come off as a bit “kooky” to some (particulary to those from my porn-producing past), but I’m getting closer and closer to not really caring what others think. Part of this is because I’ve been taking such a beating in the porn community from my former colleagues. Some of their comments have been posted in past blog entries and many of you have come to my defense. The majority of these attacks are posted on industry discussion boards.

I’ve been amazed to discover that there’s a positive side to these attacks: the more they make fun of me, the easier it is to open up. What more can be said about me that hasn’t already been said? Each attack seems to make me stronger. A lot of strength is something I definitely need right now. One of the hardest things to face has to do with Belinda, whom I’ve been with nearly 24/7 for almost 6 years. She thinks I’ve gone temporarily insane. She’s very happy with our former life and has no desire to change it, so for now she fully intends to continue producing porn on her own. We’re not completely “calling off” our relationship at this point, but we will be taking a break from each other for awhile to explore where our futures take us.

While I’ve been receiving a few I wish I had the balls to do what you’re doing comments from people I know in porn, my email box is literally filled with encouraging comments from the Christian community. I’ve received emails from all across the country. Some tell me that my story is an encouragement to them. Others tell me that they’ve found a stronger faith after reading my story. I’ve even received an inquiry from a publishing company introducing me to one of their authors who is willing to “ghost write” or co-author my story. Perhaps the most flattering experience I’ve had was just earlier today when I stumbled across a MySpace profile that has my name listed in the “who I’d like to meet” section. Literally hundreds of people have let me know they’re praying for me, and that they have mentioned me to their respective churches, who are praying for me as well. So in total, there are thousands of individuals who are sending prayers to God’s ears on my behalf.

If I tell you about the electric shock I received while driving you’d think I’m completely off my rocker, so I’ll save that story for another time. For now let me ask a question: Do you have any idea what it’s like to have thousands of people talking to God about you?

Let me tell you (this is where that word “kooky” comes in):
Every time I drive alone, praying, my arms and legs are covered with goose bumps and I feel God’s power all over me. Sometimes I can’t help but cry. It’s like my body can’t stand everything I am experiencing without some sort of emotional outlet.

The drive back from Seattle was especially powerful. I was praying and asking for some direction, as I have some major decisions to make very soon (I wrote a bit about them in my last blog entry). My prayers continued Friday and yesterday as well. I’ve received an inner peace with the decision I’ve come to, which I’ll tell you all about in a future update. I will tell you this much: I have come to realize that the job offer I wrote about was God’s way of “faith building”. He wasn’t necessarily telling me I had to take that job. He just wanted to show me that I have no need to worry. I’ve had multiple “faith building experiences” lately.

And for this I thank all of you who are praying for me… please don’t stop.

(my new MySpace profile is now online… feel free to send a friend request)


9 Comments

I May Sound a Bit "Kooky" After This

Definitions of Kook on the Web:
* someone regarded as eccentric or crazy and standing out from a group
* Crank, crackpot, or quack

I’ve been holding back a little in my writing, partially because I don’t want to embarrass myself. If I told everything I’ve been experiencing it might come off as a bit “kooky” to some (particulary to those from my porn-producing past), but I’m getting closer and closer to not really caring what others think. Part of this is because I’ve been taking such a beating in the porn community from my former colleagues. Some of their comments have been posted in past blog entries and many of you have come to my defense. The majority of these attacks are posted on industry discussion boards.

I’ve been amazed to discover that there’s a positive side to these attacks: the more they make fun of me, the easier it is to open up. What more can be said about me that hasn’t already been said? Each attack seems to make me stronger. A lot of strength is something I definitely need right now. One of the hardest things to face has to do with Belinda, whom I’ve been with nearly 24/7 for almost 6 years. She thinks I’ve gone temporarily insane. She’s very happy with our former life and has no desire to change it, so for now she fully intends to continue producing porn on her own. We’re not completely “calling off” our relationship at this point, but we will be taking a break from each other for awhile to explore where our futures take us.

While I’ve been receiving a few I wish I had the balls to do what you’re doing comments from people I know in porn, my email box is literally filled with encouraging comments from the Christian community. I’ve received emails from all across the country. Some tell me that my story is an encouragement to them. Others tell me that they’ve found a stronger faith after reading my story. I’ve even received an inquiry from a publishing company introducing me to one of their authors who is willing to “ghost write” or co-author my story. Perhaps the most flattering experience I’ve had was just earlier today when I stumbled across a MySpace profile that has my name listed in the “who I’d like to meet” section. Literally hundreds of people have let me know they’re praying for me, and that they have mentioned me to their respective churches, who are praying for me as well. So in total, there are thousands of individuals who are sending prayers to God’s ears on my behalf.

If I tell you about the electric shock I received while driving you’d think I’m completely off my rocker, so I’ll save that story for another time. For now let me ask a question: Do you have any idea what it’s like to have thousands of people talking to God about you?

Let me tell you (this is where that word “kooky” comes in):
Every time I drive alone, praying, my arms and legs are covered with goose bumps and I feel God’s power all over me. Sometimes I can’t help but cry. It’s like my body can’t stand everything I am experiencing without some sort of emotional outlet.

The drive back from Seattle was especially powerful. I was praying and asking for some direction, as I have some major decisions to make very soon (I wrote a bit about them in my last blog entry). My prayers continued Friday and yesterday as well. I’ve received an inner peace with the decision I’ve come to, which I’ll tell you all about in a future update. I will tell you this much: I have come to realize that the job offer I wrote about was God’s way of “faith building”. He wasn’t necessarily telling me I had to take that job. He just wanted to show me that I have no need to worry. I’ve had multiple “faith building experiences” lately.

And for this I thank all of you who are praying for me… please don’t stop.

(my new MySpace profile is now online… feel free to send a friend request)