An email to a friend who asked if I think I’ll ever fall back to my old life:
You asked a question that I’m sure many have wanted to ask me: if I think I’ll ever fall back into my old life.
I’ll share a few thoughts.
I got into porn for a handful of reasons. I’ll share one: I thought it would be fun to be paid to be around naked women. I started by looking. I was only into solo photos; women posing all alone. It did nothing for me if they were with others, male or female, or if they were doing things to themselves. What got me going was a woman showing off her body. When I first started shooting porn, I was a prude by adult industry standards. Clients purchased what I created because I was great at recruiting people they weren’t used to seeing naked. I’d walk up to normal, everyday college girls and talk them into posing. I’d talk female professionals into posing. I’d talk moms whose bodies showed the evidence of having children into posing instead of being ashamed of their bodies. As time went on, clients demanded that I produce more graphic content, so I slowly did. What had repulsed me at the beginning of my career didn’t seem so bad by the end of it.
But the appeal of working with naked women was only part of the reason I started. Money was another, but that was actually far down the list. What really motivated me was hatred toward Christianity. Like anger, hatred is usually an expression of pain. I was deeply hurt when I started believing that all I’d been taught to be true was, in fact, a lie. To this day there is nothing I despise more than being lied to… it just feels like the ultimate form of disrespect. It was so disappointing to feel like a fool who had believed lies, and I channeled the pain of that disappointment into anger, bitterness and hatred.
I loved my parents, so it made no sense to take my disappointment out on them, even though they were the primary source of guidance into the Christian life I was ever increasingly believing to be a lie. So instead I hated people from their churches who displayed hypocrisy. I hated the legalistic denomination with whom they had chosen to align themselves. And soon I hated all Christians in general.
After XXXchurch started changing my perceptions of Christianity, I started praying and challenging God to prove to me that He is real. I did this while at the same time blogging about being an atheist. When He physically touched me in 2006, I no longer doubted He existed. But that touch isn’t where it ended. After I asked him to take control of my life, He started speaking to me. Sometimes in dreams, but other times in whispers right in my ear. It was amazing. That went on for a handful of months but then stopped. It didn’t happen again – His whispers in my ear – until October of 2012 as I sat on the porch of a seaside cafe, having coffee with a new friend in Australia. That was the last time to date. But it doesn’t have to ever happen again for me to be sure it was God speaking directly to me.
Some might say I’m crazy and haven’t heard God whispering in my ear, but am just hearing voices in my head. I know better. Some might say the shock I felt in September of 2006 wasn’t God, but something more realistic like a short in my car’s electrical system. But I know better.
The pain of disappointment is gone. I know He is real. I don’t want to rebel anymore. I have no reason to express pain via hatred anymore. I have no reason to “go back” to that life.
Instead I am driven to dig deeper, learn more, love more, keep inviting Him to change the yucky parts of me, and keep asking Him to let me see others the way He does. I love Him. I don’t want to betray Him anymore.