Donny's Ramblings

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Before and After: 300lbs vs. 175lbs

The photo on the right was taken December 4th, 2017. Just 10 months earlier, in February, I actually had a pretty decent 6 pack going on, as I’d been doing 1,000 situps per day. But on February 12th, 2017, I received some horrible news that took something out of me… I couldn’t stay motivated to keep working out, and was only able to motivate myself to run: it’s impossible to both run and cry at the same time. I ran 5-8 miles every day.

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    People are always going to choose to believe whatever they wish to believe: “What you look for, you will find!” That’s quite true, I think, even for what we look for within ourselves.

I don’t think there’s been a time when I’ve looked deeply into my own soul and imagined anything other than ultimate redemption, despite what others have said about me. Perhaps I’m far too optimistic. I believe God really can use all things for good, and I’m optimistic my personal situation is included in the word “all.”

    When I look inside, I don’t see a bad person. Admittedly, I’ve had moments where I’ve wondered if something evil lurks within, but ultimately I’ve come to conclude that is not the case. I can honestly say that I don’t remember acting with purposeful malice toward any other individual. That doesn’t mean I’ve never harmed others… what a ludicrous idea… I’ve harmed many. But I really, never intended such a thing.

    The person I’ve read about isn’t a man I know: he simply doesn’t exist. Donald Trump has used the label “fake media,” and I now know from personal experience that he’s correct. It’s indescribable to witness what the media-mob-mentality types will do for a sensational story. I’m not going to even try to explain it, because I’ve been on your side of the fence before, and when I lived on that side I, too, didn’t want to hear what was trying to be said. I can simply tell you that my perception of the world is very different than what it used to be, and that will have to suffice.

    I loved deeply. I made choices based on hope that somewhere deep inside I must have known wasn’t going to blossom. There definitely exists a naïve man within me, but he is no monster. Five different psychiatrists and psychologists have led me down a path where I can conclude this to be true without doubt. Purposeful naivety it may be, and likely is, but pure evil? Not at all.

    I’ve learned the hard way that “the wages of sin is death.” Sin costs so much more than is possible for any of us to pay. The last three years have drilled that into me.

    The perception of others towards me has been forever altered. Sometimes it’s hard for me to wrap my head around that and truly understand it. Am I all of a sudden a different person from the man with whom you used to laugh, placing value on my words and opinions? Did something somehow drastically change in the moment when the proverbial crap hit the proverbial spinning air circulator? Of course not. Only perceptions changed.

    Believe me, don’t believe me, this is true: I loved, DEEPLY! The ways in which it was said that I expressed this love are quite different from the reality of how I actually did so. That’s something with which I’ve got to come to terms of acceptance. What can I do about perceptions, really? Not much, of course.

    Closing, Random Thought: the list of the people who’s feelings and thoughts matter to me has, by necessity, grown much shorter than it used to be.

















Taking The Long Route

Walking from my mother’s house to church takes 45 minutes via main roads.  But that’s the boring route. Let me show you the 2 hour route, which is not only beautiful, but it’s a great walk to take with God in prayer. 

(some of the pics are panoramas, and must be clicked on the fully appreciate)

Which would you take? The long and boring route beside highly trafficked city streets, or the slow and scenic route through nature?


How Porn Affects Us: A List of Peer Reviewed Studies, as well as Magazine Articles

I’ll be sure to add more articles and research as I come across it, most likely in the comments area of this article.



Peer reviewed studies in summary form so you can easily get the point, but with references to the study so you can look it up yourself (the summary is listed first, then the reference to the study).  If you so choose to look it up, simply go somewhere like Google Scholar and copy/paste the reference into the search bar:


As a result of viewing pornography women reported lowered body image, partner critical of their body, increased pressure to perform acts seen in pornographic films, and less actual sex, while men reported being more critical of their partners’ body and less interested in actual sex.

Albright, J. (2008). Sex in America online: An exploration of sex, marital status, and sexual identity in Internet sex seeking and its impacts. Journal of Sex Research, 45, 175–186.


Exposure to “massive pornography” leads to changes in beliefs and attitudes. For example, reduced support for the women’s liberation movement, reduced belief that pornography needs to be restricted for minors, reduced recommended jail sentences for rapists, increased callousness toward woman, and beliefs of increased frequency of pathological sex (such as sex with animals, and sex with violence).

Zillmann, D & J. Bryant. (1984). Effects of massive exposure to pornography. In Malamuth, N and Donnerstein, E. (Eds), Pornography and sexual aggression. San Diego, Academic Press.


The strongest predictors of use of cyberporn were weak ties to religion and lack of a happy marriage. However, past sexual deviance (e.g., involvement in paid sex) was also a strong predictor of cyberporn use. Persons ever having an extramarital affair were 3.18 times more apt to have used cyberporn than ones who had lacked affairs. Further, those ever having engaged in paid sex were 3.7 times more apt than those who had not to be using cyberporn. Overall the model explained 40 percent of the variance in porn use on the Internet.

Stack, S., Wasserman, I. & Kern, R. (2004). Adult Social Bonds and Use of Internet Pornography. Social Science Quarterly, 85, 75-88.


Women who were exposed to pornography as children were more likely to accept the rape myth and to have sexual fantasies that involved rape.

Corne, S., Briere, J. & Esses, L. (1992). Women’s attitudes and fantasies about rape as a function of early exposure to pornography. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 7, 4, 454-461.


Male domestic violence offenders who utilize the sex industry (pornography and strip clubs) use more controlling behaviors, engage in more sexual abuse, stalking and marital rape against their partners then males who do not use the sex industry.

Simmons, C. A, Lehmann, P & Collier-Tenison, S. (2008). Linking male use of the sex industry to controlling behaviors in violent relationships. Violence against Women, 14, 406-417.


At the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, a gathering of the nation’s divorce lawyers, attendees documented a startling trend. Nearly two-thirds of the attorneys present had witnessed a sudden rise in divorces related to the Internet; 58% of those were the result of a spouse looking at excessive amounts of pornography online.

Paul, P. (2005). Pornified. New York: Times Books.


In a sample of 30 juveniles who had committed sex offenses, exposure to pornographic material at a young age was common. The researchers reported that 29 of the 30 juveniles had been exposed to X-rated magazines or videos; the average age at exposure was about 7.5 years.

Wieckowski, E., Hartsoe, P., Mayer, A., and Shortz, J. 1998. Deviant sexual behavior in children and young adolescents: Frequency and patterns. Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment, 10, 4, 293-304.


Juvenile sex offenders were questioned about their use of sexually explicit material. Only 11% said they did not use sexually explicit material. Of those who used the material, 74% said it increased their sexual arousal.

Becker, J. V. & Stein, R. M. (1991). Is sexual erotica associated with sexual deviance in adolescent males? International Journal of Law and Psychiatry, 14, 85-95.


Male and female students and non students were shown videos for one hour each week for six weeks. Half of these subjects were shown pornography which was non violent and included common sexual practices. Half of the subjects were shown videos that had no pornography, no violence and were innocuous. Two weeks after they stopped seeing the videos they were all given an opportunity to watch videos in private. Those who saw the pornography were significantly more likely to pick harder core pornography which included sex with animals and sex that included violence. Those who had seen the innocuous videos were unlikely to pick the pornographic videos to watch. They were especially unlikely to pick the hardcore pornographic videos to watch.

Watching pornographic videos increases the interest in watching pornographic videos that are more hardcore and contain unusual and/or pathological sexual behaviors.

Zillmann, D. & Bryant, J. (1986). Shifting preferences in pornography consumption. Communication Research, 13, 4, 560-578.


Almost two thirds (67%) of young adult males find pornography use acceptable while 49% of young adult females find it acceptable. More young adult males use pornography (87%) than young adult females (31%). While 31% of males use pornography never or less than once a month about 5% of males use pornography daily or almost daily. Young adult females use pornography infrequently; 69 % never use it, 21% use it less than once a month and only .2% use it daily or almost every day. For males, more pornography use is correlated with more sex partners, more alcohol use, more binge drinking, greater acceptance of sex outside of marriage for married individuals, greater acceptance of sex before marriage and less child centeredness during marriage.

Carroll, J. S., Padilla-Walker, L. M., Nelson, L. J., Olson, C. D., Barry, C. M., & Madsen, S. (2008). Generation XXX: Pornography acceptance and use among emerging adults. Journal of Adolescent Research, 23, 1, 6-30.


Males who are involved with interpersonal violence in their relationships and who use pornography and go to strip clubs use more controlling behaviors with their partners. These males engage in more sexual abuse, stalking and marital rape than abusers who do not use pornography and go to strip clubs.

Simmons, C. A., Lehmann, P. & Collier-Tennison, S. (2008). Linking male use of the sex industry to controlling behaviors in violent relationships: An exploratory analysis. Violence Against Women, 14, 406-417.


Forty percent of abused women indicated that their partner used violent pornography. Of those whose partners used pornography, 53% of the women indicated that they had been asked or forced to enact scenes that they had been shown. Forty percent of the abused women had been raped and of these, 73% stated that their partners had used pornography. Twenty-six percent of the women had been reminded of pornography during the abuse.

Cramer, E. & McFarlane, J. (1994). Pornography and abuse of women. Public Health Nursing, 11, 4, 268-272.


The likelihood of sexual harassment is significantly correlated with volume of past exposure of sexually explicit materials.

Barak, A., Fisher, W.A., Belfry, S., & Lashambe, D. R. (1999). Sex, guys, and cyberspace: Effects of internet pornography and individual differences on men’s attitudes toward women. Journal of Psychological and Human Sexuality, 11, 63-92.


There was an increase in attitudes supporting sexual violence following pornography exposure. Violent pornography increased these attitudes even more than non violent pornography.

Allen, M., Emmers, T. M., Gebhardt, L., & Giery, M. (1995). Pornography and rape myth acceptance. Journal of Communication, 45, 5-26.


High pornography users were higher in rape myth acceptance, acceptance of violence against women, adversarial sex beliefs, reported likelihood of rape, reported likelihood of forced sex acts and sex callousness than low pornography users.

High pornography users who were shown nonviolent dehumanizing pornography showed higher scores in reported likelihood of rape, sex callousness and sexually aggressive behaviors than high pornography users who weren’t shown pornography.

Check. J. V. P., & Guloien, T. H. (1989). The effects of repeated exposure to sexually violent pornography, nonviolent dehumanizing pornography, and erotica. In D. Zillmann & J. Bryan (Eds.), Pornography: Recent research, interpretations, and policy considerations (pp. 159-184). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.


Males who were high in hostile masculinity, sexual promiscuity and who used pornography frequently were significantly more likely to have physically and sexually aggressed (7.78) than males who were low in these factors (.4).

Malamuth, N., Addison, T. & Koss, M. (2000). Pornography and sexual aggression: Are there reliable effects and can we understand them? Annual Review of Sex Research, 11, 26-68.


Adolescents exposed to sexually explicit websites (SEWs) were more likely to have multiple lifetime sexual partners, to have had more than one sexual partner in the last 3 months, to have used alcohol or other substances at last sexual encounter, and to have engaged in anal sex. Adolescents who visit SEWs display higher sexual permissiveness scores compared with those who have never been exposed, indicating a more permissive attitude.

Braun-Courville, D. & Rojas, M. (2009). Exposure to sexually explicit web sites and adolescent sexual attitudes and behaviors. Journal of Adolescent Health, 45, 156-162.


Citation Information:

A Love That Doesn’t Last: Pornography Consumption and Weakened Commitment to  One’s Romantic Partner

Nathaniel M. Lambert, Sesen Negash, Tyler F. Stillman, Spencer B. Olmstead, and Frank D. Fincham

Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology 2012 31:4, 410-438

We examined whether the consumption of pornography affects romantic relationships, with the expectation that higher levels of pornography consumption would correspond to weakened commitment in young adult romantic relationships. Study 1 (n = 367) found that higher pornography consumption was related to lower commitment, and Study 2 (n = 34) replicated this finding using observational data. Study 3 (n = 20) participants were randomly assigned to either refrain from viewing pornography or to a self-control task. Those who continued using pornography reported lower levels of commitment than control participants. In Study 4 (n = 67), participants consuming higher levels of pornography flirted more with an extradyadic partner during an online chat. Study 5 (n = 240) found that pornography consumption was positively related to infidelity and this association was mediated by commitment. Overall, a consistent pattern of results was found using a variety of approaches including cross-sectional (Study 1), observational (Study 2), experimental (Study 3), and behavioral (Studies 4 and 5) data.

Read More:



Does Viewing Explain Doing? Assessing the Association Between Sexually Explicit Materials Use and Sexual Behaviors in a Large Sample of Dutch Adolescents and Young Adults

Gert Martin Hald PhD1,*, Lisette Kuyper PhD2, Philippe C.G. Adam PhD3,4 andJohn B.F. de Wit PhD3,5

Article first published online: 26 APR 2013

DOI: 10.1111/jsm.12157 © 2013 International Society for Sexual Medicine

Issue The Journal of Sexual Medicine

The Journal of Sexual Medicine

Volume 10, Issue 12, pages 2986–2995, December 2013



Concerns have been voiced that the use of sexually explicit materials (SEMs) may adversely affect sexual behaviors, particularly in young people. Previous studies have
generally found significant associations between SEM consumption and the sexual  behaviors investigated. However, most of these studies have focused on sexual  behaviors related to sexually transmitted infections or sexual aggression and/or failed to adequately control for relevant covariates. Thus, research more thoroughly investigating the association between SEM consumption and a broader range of sexual behaviors is needed.


The study aims to investigate SEM consumption patterns of young people, and to assess the strength of the association between SEM consumption and a range of sexual behaviors, controlling for a comprehensive array of variables previously shown to affect these relationships.


Online cross-sectional survey study of 4,600 young people, 15–25 years of age, in The Netherlands was performed.

Main Outcomes Measures

The main outcome measures were self-reported SEM consumption and sexual practices.


The study found that 88% of men and 45% of women had consumed SEM in the past 12 months. Using hierarchical multiple regression analyses to control for other factors, the association between SEM consumption and a variety of sexual behaviors was found to be significant, accounting for between 0.3% and 4% of the total explained variance in investigated sexual behaviors.


This study suggests that, when controlling for important other factors, SEM consumption influences sexual behaviors. The small to moderate associations that emerged between SEM consumption and sexual behavior after controlling for other variables suggest that SEM is just one factor among many that may influence youth sexual behaviors. These findings contribute novel information to the ongoing debates on the role of SEM consumption in sexual behaviors and risk, and provide appropriate guidance to policy makers and program developers concerned with sexual education and sexual health promotion for young people. Hald GM, Kuyper L, Adam PCG, and de Wit JBF. Does viewing explain doing? Assessing the association between sexually explicit materials use and sexual behaviors in a large sample of Dutch adolescents and young adults. J Sex Med 2013;10:2986–2995.


Now for the articles:

“The Result: The people who eliminated or significantly reduced their viewing of pornographic material were significantly more committed to their relationships than those who continued to view the material. These results held true for both men and women.”


Between the ages of 12 and 20, the human brain undergoes a period of great neuroplasticity. The brain is in a malleable phase during which billions of new synaptic connections are made. This leaves us vulnerable to the influence of our surroundings and leads our brains to be “wired” around the experiences and information that we receive during that time period.

When an adolescent boy compulsively views pornography, his brain chemistry can become shaped around the attitudes and situations that he is watching. Sadly, pornography paints an unrealistic picture of sexuality and relationships that can create an expectation for real-life experiences that will never be fulfilled.

Huge Amounts of Data:

It includes discussion of interest in real partners, erectile disfunction, etc.


Something, it seems, is sucking the life out of guys quite literally. One-third of male college students say they’ve experienced erectile dysfunction. Leonard Sax, a family physician for nearly 20 years who authored the book Boys Adrift, saw more and more of them in his Maryland office, asking for Viagra and Cialis. Constant access to porn has desensitized them; they can’t get it up with live girls. “We’re seeing the replacement of penile sex with oral sex,” says Sax, “with the girl on her knees, servicing the boy. Boys and girls both end up losers.” One in five men ages 18 to 25 are now classified as “sub-fertile” because of low sperm count and quality, both of which have been dropping in the developed world for the past 50 years. Curiously, 50 years ago, around 64 percent of all college students were male.


Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction in Young Men:

More Interesting Articles:


What Porn Does to Intimacy:


The Story of A Girl Whose Life I Ruined

I must warn you that what I’m about to share with you is very dark.  If you are in need of a “picker upper,” this story is not for you.  For some, this article might be quite depressing.  For others, it might be a wake-up call, causing them to think of a side of pornography they’ve never before considered.  The latter is my intent.  There’s not much light at the end of this particular dark tunnel.  Also note that I have Mindy’s permission, and indeed encouragment, to share her story.

When you tell a person what they can’t have, they’ll often try to convince you that you’re wrong.  This is especially true for the college aged who have recently left the safety of the nest to try their wings out on their own for the first time.  When recruiting new porn actresses, I understood this very well and used it to my advantage.  Often working from a nice home, I let the house and our lifestyle do the selling for me.  A new prospect would arrive after having driven through one of the better neighborhoods in town and, prior to sitting down to interview with me in my home office, would be shown around the property like a valued guest.  My girlfriend and I had things the interviewee didn’t have, the photos of us were taken at vacations spots where she likely hadn’t been, the “famous” people with whom we posed were people she’d recognize but likely hadn’t met.

There were psychological reasons for this:  I not only wanted her to feel comfortable in a warm, non-threatening environment, but I also knew she’d start painting herself into the picture.  “Porn can give me this lifestyle?” she’d ask herself.  “No, dear girl, this lifestyle isn’t for you,” I’d verbalize, “You can’t handle this business.  What if your dad finds out you’re working for me?”  The more a college aged girl was presented with questions like this, the more she’d argue that I was wrong and this life was something she could handle.  When her life began falling apart, I could pat myself on the back for having warned her against getting involved in the first place.

One December day a girl named Mindy arrived at my house.   She’d turned 18 barely a month before her interview.  I wish I could deny playing the part I played in her story.  For a long time I either didn’t want to talk about it, or I’d mention small bits of information.  Mindy is the reason my cell phone number has never been changed.  She has it memorized, and to this day she’ll call when she’s at her worst and has nowhere else to turn.

Back on that first day, I knew I had a money maker.  I verified the age on her ID because, well, isn’t it obvious by looking at her pictures?  She looks really young.  I’d already been in the business four years by this time, so I had a pretty good handle on the demands of the market.  I knew men would go crazy over this girl.

I initially emailed samples to clients who owned websites.  Every one of them either matched their largest order size, or ordered more of her than they had of any other model I’d submitted.  One client who specialized in the “teen” niche – which requires a model to be over 18 but look younger – started asking if I’d be willing to partner with him on solo-girl website.  Such a site features one girl, rather than a variety of girls.  We made a proposal to Mindy:  she’d receive 25% of site revenue, I’d receive 25% and my new business partner would keep the remaining 50%.  His portion was larger because he would be responsible for all website development, hosting and promotions.

Mindy was the easiest model I’ve ever worked with, at least when it came to porn production.  She had a natural charisma, beautiful smile and a melodic laugh.  She loved life, and enlivened any room into which she walked.  At the beginning of her “career,” she could have been the poster child for “bubbly personality.”  The second a camera was pointed at her, she’d just start posing.  She didn’t need to be directed.  I couldn’t press the shutter release quickly enough.  For the most part, she’d pick out her own clothing and props, and she didn’t care where we shot, from rolling around in the dirt of a dry field to posing on railroad tracks, from taking over an aircraft hangar – and using the aircraft within it as her own personal props – to breaking into an abandoned sawmill, Mindy was up for anything.  When it came to videos, no script was needed because you could be sure that whatever Mindy came up with would be something her “fans” enjoyed seeing.  The one thing she didn’t want to do, however, was touch another person.  I honored that… for a while.

I believe that into every woman is built a need to be desired.  This desire can be used for the purposes of manipulation by guys like the one I used to be.  With Mindy, we flattered her and praised the things we loved about her.  Prior to the launch of her website, her fan base had already exploded due to the release of thousands of images of her on other popular sites.  The feedback she received was shared with her.  We used it to inflate her ego and prod her along.  Her “fans” needed her, after all.  With that positive reinforcement in mind, she was under the impression that she was going to become a celebrity once her solo-site launched.  She told everyone about it.

When an 18 year old girl begins making $10,000 per month, she more than likely isn’t going to know how to handle that amount of money.  Mindy was no exception.  She wanted to take care of people by giving them money and buying things for them, and she wanted to have fun.  Not being promiscuous by nature, she wouldn’t go home with fans, but she could be found passed out at parties.  She was raped several times over the years. Sometimes I’d immediately be told about these rapes, and other times I would not, only having them brought up months later.  I encouraged her to speak to police, but she never wanted to do so.  I asked local law enforcement if there was anything I could do, and was told she had to be willing to talk about it herself.  By this time, she felt as if all she was good for was to serve as an outlet for the “needs” men thought they had, either by entertaining them on her website, or letting them get away with taking what they wanted from her when she was passed out.  The lifestyle I had saddled her with had drained all light and sparkle from her eyes.  They reflected a soul that had died inside.

Where once a girl existed who would light up a room just by being herself, now there was a girl who would often literally begin a sentence laughing and end that same sentence in tears.  She once broke down on a sidewalk after we’d gone out for pizza and loudly cried about how her website was destroying her life.  Another time, I shot scenes with her in a hotel room at a local casino, and in between scenes she passed out on the bed.  I let her sleep for hours, but by checkout time I still couldn’t get her to wake up.  I had to call security to see if they could help, because God knows I didn’t want to pay for another day, and ended up witnessing a room full of hostile men badgering a naked young girl who was quite angry at having been forced awake, trying to dress and gather her things as strangers screamed at her that she had to leave.

The first time Mindy told me she’d given her life to Jesus, I was actually happy to hear it.  The things I’d seen in Mindy’s life didn’t make me feel very good because I knew a big part of the blame was on me.  Built into her contract was the requirement to keep producing new content if she wanted to keep receiving her percentage of sales, and I knew that she’d have quit early on if she could have just walked away while keeping residual royalties.  Jesus entering her life meant I was going to lose one of my best-selling models, but at least I wouldn’t have to keep looking into those haunted eyes when she was around.

More than anything, I was a hate-filled, selfish man.  My hatred was fueled by the hypocrisy I’d witnessed within the church during my teen years, as well as the perceived ongoing hypocrisy of Christians who would lecture me about the life I was living, yet want to see what new pornographic content I’d produced.  While I was happy to see the lights return to Mindy’s eyes, I was not happy to be on the receiving end of her attempts to save my soul.  She definitely wasn’t prepared to discuss such matters with me.  Had she not decided to witness to me, I might not have made such an effort to drag her back into porn.  But since the church ladies who met with her on a regular basis had encouraged her to “plant seeds” into my mind, I in retaliation decided I’d try to remove Mindy’s faith entirely.  Already, she was having a hard time making ends meet, as income no longer came in from the site (remember, it depended upon her willingness to add new content).   I asked her if she understood that old religious men were the ones who had made up the moral rules prohibiting her from participating in her website, which was still able to provide very well for her financially if she’d just give up the crazy religious stuff.  I began pointing out inconsistencies in the Bible.  I asked her what loving God would command that unborn babies be ripped from their mother’s wombs, as is mentioned in the book of Hosea.  After having spent so much time with her – at one time she even lived with me – I knew how best to manipulate her into seeing things my way.  She’d come back to the lifestyle every time, initially insisting that she’d only shoot lingerie at most, but quickly jumping back in full bore.

But now I told her she needed to do more.  First we started with girls, then later with boyfriends.  Eventually, I had her take on both visiting male friends and myself, often at the same time, although we’d film it so that it could technically be called a porn shoot rather than prostitution.  The difference between legal prostitution and illegal prostitution is just that the former is labeled “pornography” and involves a model release and a camera of some sort.

Because someone she thought cared for her was now using her as a prostitute, she started identifying as one.  Drugs had never previously been part of her life, but they became part of it now.  I guess they made it easy to do what she was doing.  I’d often pick her up for shoots from hotel rooms where it was apparent she’d been selling herself to others.  She bounced from house to house, living with random older men who’d use her for a time and then send her on her way.  She has no idea who her son’s father might be, because she didn’t know any of the men who were present the night she was impregnated while passed out at a party.

I wish there was a happy ending to Mindy’s story, but there’s not.  Not many months ago, she called in tears, begging me to adopt her two kids.  The state had taken them one time too many, and they were now no longer eligible to be returned to her.  Her social worker had informed her that a close friend or family member could be given priority, and she wondered if I would be willing, as the rest of her family was not.  I gave it thought and prayer, but realized I’m not equipped to take them on.

I’ve now known Mindy for almost 13 years, and there is far more to this story.  I could write more than one book about her life alone.  What is important for you to know is this:  when I led her into pornography, her life was forever changed.  Every single time I see her, she tells me that the website we created of her still impacts her life to this day.  Random strangers still recognize her and make assumptions about her.  She fights hard with the mental illness that was brought on while dealing with the numerous issues that have arisen from working for me. She is very paranoid most of the time, thinking people must be stalking her.  When she is noticed by a man in public, she never assumes it is because he finds her attractive, but rather because he has seen her online somewhere without her clothes on.

There is nothing at all attractive about what happened to her.

I wonder if the men and women who found so much appeal in the images and video content we produced of Mindy would find it attractive if they knew what it cost her.  I wonder if there would be any arousal if the reality was shown:  often before a scene, Mindy would protest, but she knew she wouldn’t earn any money if she didn’t do it, so she’d put on her best game face and do what made her feel worthless, pretending she enjoyed it.

I put her in front of a camera and repeatedly convinced her to continue doing work that was dimming her eyes and killing her soul, but I’d like to point out that the Law of Supply and Demand means all of us who have consumed pornography are part of the cycle of broken lives, like Mindy’s, that result from this industry.  This story is not unique; it happens in some form or other every day, repeatedly.  Mindy is someone’s daughter.  What if she was yours?

While there is an enormous amount of darkness in Mindy’s life, there are also things I find encouraging.  Even though she was impregnated through rape, and even though she knew she might not be able to provide for a child, abortion was never an option that entered her mind.  Her children might not have been afforded the best life possible with her, but they do have life, and I’ve no doubt whatsoever that they prefer that to the alternative.

I also take courage in the fact that Mindy never gives up.  There are situations she has faced that are just as bad as or worse than those I’ve shared, but she doesn’t give up.  She’s never once threatened to end her life, she doesn’t whine, and she reluctantly accepts handouts.  Sometimes she goes to church, other times she does not, but she’s never blamed God for her circumstances.

What I need from you, dear reader, is a promise that you’ll pray for Mindy.  Please don’t do so as a one-time thing.  Add her to your daily or weekly prayer list.  It has been almost 13 years since porn began affecting her life, and the images and video we created together will be around until long after she has departed this world.  There will never be a time when prayers for her are wasted.   If you’d like specific things to pray for, I’d suggest praying that her mind is healed and that her children are cared for in loving, nurturing environments.  The most recent update I have of them is from a few months ago, and they were in foster care at that time.

And finally, please help share the message that pornography involves real people.  One way to fight it is to decrease the demand for it.  Let’s humanize those who are involved in its creation so that fewer consumers find it appealing.  If you’re a consumer, please do whatever is necessary to stop consumption.  Encourage your children to become warriors, fighting for those who aren’t willing to fight for themselves by refusing to ever become consumers of pornography.  FightTheNewDrug has done a great job with their marketing campaign to sell products such as t-shirts, hoodies and wrist bands that are intended to make porn “uncool” for young people.  Perhaps browse their store and make a purchase or two for the youth in your life.  Let’s work to change the way porn is esteemed, transforming the attitude that “everybody uses it” to “it’s just not cool” in ways similar to anti-smoking campaigns.  We CAN do it.


As I travel to speak, I’m often asked by parents and those who wish to protect themselves if there is any particular computer/mobile device software I recommend.  It is my opinion that Covenant Eyes offers the very best software on the market, and does a fantastic job keeping it updated.  Because the quality of their work demands a full time staff to keep it updated, they do have a small monthly fee.  However, if you use my reference code, they’ll give you the first month free to try it.  Click here to check it out or go to and use promo code donnypauling.


The Hardcore Truth || An Ex-Porn-Producer Reveals 10 Myths About Pornography

The Hardcore Truth | An Ex-Porn Producer Reveals 10 Myths About

By Matt Fradd and Donny Pauling.  Click the image to get your free copy!

Covenant Eyes has decided to give away the eBook written by Matt Fradd and yours truly.  In this 30 page eBook, Matt and I discuss porn in a very open way that will open the minds of many.  The short length of the book is done on purpose:  this is for someone who needs to read what we’ve got to say, but doesn’t want to spend hours on end reading a full length book.

This book is a handy resource for anyone who wants to be able to help those struggling with porn, who want to educate those who think porn is “no big deal,” or those who want weapons in their own personal arsenal when fighting an attraction to pornography.

Click here to get your free copy: Hardcore Truth: An Ex-Porn Producer Reveals 10 Myths About Pornography.

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What Did Jesus Mean When He Said, “It Is Finished”? (And why I believe He is LITERALLY present in the Eucharist/Communion)

What Did Jesus Mean When He Said, “It Is Finished”?  It was quite profound, and it is definitely tied into the Eucharist/Communion as well as His literal presence therein.  Please browse through the notes I made while listening to Dr. Scott Hahn teach on this topic.

• He wasn’t referring to his work of redemption
a) He had not yet resurrected
b) Paul said his resurrection had to happen for us to be justified (1 Corinthians 15:12-19)

• The Passover was instituted to save the first born sons of man
a) Either the first born son was slaughtered, or a lamb was slaughtered

• How was Passover celebrated?
The Passover Seder meal was a four fold structure – four cups of wine are consumed:
(1) First was part of preliminary course: prayer of the Kadeish – blessings and the first cup of wine
(2) Maggid: Retelling the Passover story and drinking the second cup of wine
(3) Bareich: Blessing after the meal and drinking the third cup of wine
(4) Hallel: Reciting the Hallel (Psalm 113-118) and then drinking of the fourth cup of wine

There is a serious problem in the order of the Last Supper’s Passover meal then:
(1) He passed around the third cup, they drank, they sung the hymn in Mark 14:26, but then they departed without having drank the fourth cup, heading to the Garden of Gethsemane.
(2) Not only is the fourth cup omitted, but the climax of the Passover meal was missed. The cup of consummation ends Passover, but it had not yet been consumed.

• How he prayed in the garden:
a) “If it be possible, let this cup pass from me…” He prayed three times to have this cup taken from him.

• John, the eye witness to the crucifixion, noticed something:
a) John 19:14 – “about the sixth hour” … “away with him, away with him, crucify him.” The sixth hour happens to be the time that the Passover lamb is to be slain – the Lamb of God was sentenced to die at the precise moment that the Passover lamb is supposed to die.
b) John 19:23-24 – Jesus was wearing a seamless linen garment called a Chiton – this is the exact garment the high priest wore when sacrificing the Passover Lamb.  Jesus is therefore not only the sacrifice, but the priest offering it.
c) Jesus was the only one of the three on the crosses that day that didn’t have his bones broken.  This fulfills scripture that “not a bone shall be broken” BUT, in Exodus 12:46, God commands of the unblemished Passover lamb, “Do not break any of the  bones.”
d) Way back in John 1:29, John stated, “Behold! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!”

• Jesus said, in order to fulfill the scriptures, “I thirst.”
a) He obviously would have been thirsty for hours before this
b) This isn’t just a passing comment he makes a few moments before death
c) It had intended significance

• They brought a hyssop branch, put a sponge on it, dipped it in sour wine, and lifted it to Jesus.
a) Recall that he had been offered wine mixed with gall (a pain killer) on his way to Calvary, yet he declined
b) Hyssop branches just happen to be the same type of branch used to sprinkle lamb’s blood on the doorposts in Exodus
c) As soon as he drank this wine, he said, “It is finished!” – this can also be translated, “It is consummated”
d) He had omitted the fourth cup at the Passover meal, the fourth cup of consummation, but has now finished it. He had transformed the old covenant Passover into the new covenant Passover

• Jesus had begun his sacrifice on the cross with the Passover meal the night before. He didn’t complete that meal at that time, but now completes it on the cross by drinking the wine of the fourth cup of consummation.
a) “This is my body…”
b) “This is my blood…”
c) “… of the new covenant”
d) By signifying the separation of body and blood, he signified his coming death – THIS (the Last Supper) is when His sacrifice began.

• Notice that when Jesus gave his “Bread of Life” teachings, it was around the time of the Passover (John 6:4 – “The Jewish Passover Festival was near”). This was a year or two before the Last Supper and His crucifixion.

• He says we are to eat his flesh and drink his blood. He was being literal when he said this!

He was NOT saying communion is symbolic! Here is why (especially beginning in letter c below):

a) Remember that for the angel of death to Passover the house in Exodus, the lamb itself had to be consumed (Exodus 12:8).  Not only was the blood to be sprinkled on the door, but if you didn’t eat the lamb, your son was taken.

b) Jesus, the lamb, was slain and his blood was shed. Yet we still need to eat the lamb (also notice that in In 1 Corinthians 5, Paul exhorts us to keep the Passover with unleavened bread – this is how it’s done in the Eucharist – also read in 1 Corinthians 10:16: Is not the cup of Thanksgiving for which we give thanks a participation in the blood of Christ? [FYI: the Cup of Thanksgiving was the third cup of the Passover, as mentioned above] and is not the bread that we break a participation in the body of Christ?).

c) John chapter 6 makes it crystal clear that Jesus meant it literally when he said we would eat his flesh and drink his blood. This is NOT symbolic. Please note that people who had just seen him FEED 5,000 PEOPLE with 5 loaves and 2 fish, and then had seen him WALK ON WATER and had tried to make him a KING, then LEFT HIM in verse 66 because of what he taught about this:

“I am the bread of life. Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and are dead. This is the bread which comes down from heaven, that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread which came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever; and the bread that I shall give is My flesh, which I shall give for the life of the world.”

The Jews therefore quarreled among themselves, saying, “How can this Man give us His flesh to eat?” [Does Jesus then say, “Oh, I meant that symbolically?” NOPE. He reinforces it to be literal!]

Then Jesus said to them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For My flesh is food indeed, and My blood is drink indeed. He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in Me, and I in him. As the living Father sent Me, and I live because of the Father, so he who feeds on Me will live because of Me. This is the bread which came down from heaven—not as your fathers ate the manna, and are dead. He who eats this bread will live forever.”

[Notice the Disciples didn’t like this?] Therefore many of His disciples, when they heard this, said, “This is a hard saying; who can understand it?” When Jesus knew in Himself that His disciples
complained about this, He said to them, “Does this offend you? [notice he doesn’t pull back on this, even to his disciples]”

[Then check this out – these same people had seen him perform miracles EARLIER THAT DAY:] From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more.

Answer this question: Why would they stop following him if they took him to be speaking metaphorically/symbolically? They’d just wanted to crown him KING. They’d seen him feed five thousand with just a few loaves and fish. They’d just seen him walk on water! It was because he said they had to literally eat his flesh and drink his blood. HE BECOMES PRESENT IN THE EUCHARIST!

• The Eucharist is indeed a great mystery of faith. In it, Jesus is truly present, not just symbolically. AMAZING!